To want to just walk away

[BettyBoo246]

I have a ds who is 7, he's not slept for more than 4 hours straight since lockdown, literally tried everything. His reasons vary each night, too hot/cold, finger itches, covers come off, scared etc etc. GP has referred to community paed but been rejected and referred to school nurse who just sent me leaflets about nightmares/nigt terrors. I also have a dd whose 2, she is constantly being waken by ds all night too. I have had to stop working from home as deal with large sums of money and just cannot concentrate. DH is a farmer so works all hours.

This all has an impact on our mood in the day, both dcs are generally just a nightmare all day, groggy, crying, fighting, arguing, we are all just miserable.

Its now causing me and dh to argue too, I just feel like I've had enough, I have no idea how to make any of this better, I've done zero homeschooling for the last 8 weeks. My once happy smiley dd is now turning in to a terror and my ds just wont sleep and having tantrums all day. I just want a break.

My dh just keeps telling me there are people worse off, which i know but doesn't help, I feel like I've failed and guilty that i could even contemplate walking away.

What is the light like in his bedroom? It's so light so early in the morning right now, it really messed up children's natural sleep rhythms. If you don't have already, put up some blackout blinds (you can get easily fitted portable ones) in his room. No blue light after a certain time - get a red light bulb/night light in his room and only use these throughout night wakings. Regular bedtime and wake up time. Sounds like there is some more emotional stuff going on, but these are quick wins that can make the sleep environment much more conducive for long restful sleep. Good luck

He's starts off rational, but then as the night goes on he gets more and more hysterical. I've tried punishing him, seems to make him worse.

Its almost like he is regressing, his behaviour is reminiscent of the terrible twos. Its made me quedtion if there is an underlying condition of add, adhd, asd etc. But GP dismissed this as not been a consistent problem throughout his life

@Halo84 I've read about melatonin and asked the GP about maybe a short term use just to break the cycle but was told it can only be prescribed if he was under a consultant.

@RedRideMeGood @WhiteDenim no dh doesnt get much time off at the mo but does take ds with him when he can, maybe once a week. But no me and ds literally are never alone together, thats why i thought about sending her back to cm twice a week, but as another poster has suggested this could just be seen to ds as a reward for his behaviour

It sounds like he is struggling with stress/anxiety, if you are doing all those things to tire him out and it isn't helping him to get a good night's sleep.

Is he able/does he have the space to talk about feelings? A good starting place is the movie "Inside Out" - it gives them a language about emotions that might be helpful.

Do you have a structure to the days? You say that you have abandoned Home Learning, so I wonder if every day is different? I think it is REALLY helpful for a sense of structure, of "normality" to create security for little ones. For you, this might mean asking about him returning to school, or sending his sister to the childminder a couple of times a week, or just rearranging your day. Home Learning doesn't have to be too demanding, but sitting down at roughly the same time every weekday to do some reading, writing, times tables. There are some nice "Time Capsule" ideas on line that can help him do some writing and also explore how he is feeling about this time - positive and negative. Is his sister getting more attention than him? (I ask because you mentioned that he hates her and that is why he is naughty. It sounds like he is directly telling you that he is seeking your attention). Can you do things all together that are mostly about him, like play doh or baking?

Worry monsters might help with bedtime fears. Lavender pillow spray can be calming. I assume you have a bedtime routine with stories?

This is going to sound like an odd question but are you sure he is actually awake while he is acting out in the middle of the night? Does he remember it the next day ? Ever since I was a child I used to do things in my sleep with my eyes open but I would still be asleep and would have no memory or just a vague memory the next day. It sounds like he could have a sleep disorder and the stress is bringing it out. I myself am on a waiting list for a sleep clinic and I've had awful sleep from the stress of lockdown.

I'd second audio books, one of mine was a terrible sleeper from baby to teenager (I got my revenge then when she just wanted to lie in bed all day and I'd get her up) Audio books were very useful, particularly on school trips when she'd get very anxious, school had a no electronics policy but she was allowed her audio books.

Also getting over tired doesn't always help as they can get beyond sleep. Try an afternoon nap for you, him and the toddler, lying down calmly with an audio book playing. Might relax him and it won't do you any harm either. Good luck.

OP I feel you. My son takes melatonin (ASD) your GP is correct in that it has to be prescribed by a consultant first and then the GP can carry it on. Have you looked into weighted blankets? I find it helps my son with his anxiety/restlessness. Groupon had an offer on this week for a really good price so I bought another as a spare. Ideally needs to be 10% of body weight but they had different weights available. The most recent thing we've done as well is to allow him music on the Alexa when he goes to bed - I think it gives him something to focus on other than silence. Good luck and for you

Try putting the children in the same bed. I had to do this out of necessity and was amazed that it cured the 4 yr old of getting up at night.He'd been up every night up til then. I think he was just reassured having his 2 yr old brother with him. They shared the bed for about 3 months til we moved and settled happily in his own bed after that. I wouldn't have thought if doing it but it was needs must at the time.

Thank you so much guys, some really good ideas.

I have thought about putting dd in his room but just a bit weary of them waking each other, not that anyones getting any sleep anyway at the mo

Can i ask for recommendations of audio books, how are they played as dont really want him to have the tablet in his room as dont trust what he'll be doing with it! More than likely play games.

@Hangingwithmygnomies do the weighted blankets make them feel hot? He already only has a 4 tog and sleeps with a fan on all night as he says he gets too hot!

Can his father take him out on the farm with him? Spend some quality time with him and you with dd? Then he might be so tired he might just sleep

Sounds weird but have you dewormed your whole family? Should do this once a year for threadworm (very common at children's ages). Worms can cause nightmares - look it up on google.
Also try get into routine, make regular schooling time and be a bit more strict about this. It may be tiresome at first but children do like structure in the day.

@Chloemol yes his dad tries to take him once a week maybe twice, just a busy time of year farming wise at the minute but still it doesnt tire him

Its funny you should say about worms on the odd occasion he has given in his loooong line of
reasons of waking is that his bum is sore

I would co-sleep with the dc until you have caught up on your sleep, and get yourselves in a better position to tackle the issue. I agree that it sounds like anxiety. I wouldn't be hanging on for melatonin to solve the issue - it helps kids get to sleep but not to stay asleep all night.

I would send him to school and see how he gets on. My DH is a key worker and I'm a sahm. My 7 year olds behaviour has been so much better since he's back at school. I'd also send your toddler to a childminder. You need a break so you can rest and figure out how to deal with the sleep problem. Everything has been suggested already but I didn't see anyone mention his diet. Is he getting enough magnesium for instance? There's lots of vitamins which help us sleep. Good luck, I'm sure there is an answer x

When schools closed my DD, who is 7, was terrible - fighting going to sleep even though tired and then waking every day at 4am and not going back to sleep.

She has Disabilities so I put it down to the routine changing.

After her being home for 7 weeks during lockdown I decided to put her back into school part time so I had a break as my DH is a keyworker who was working throughout and she has an EHCP her school took her straight back and we decided to try it on a week by week trial and from the first day she slept better and has been in school since and has been full time for the last few weeks.

So I would if I was you get him back to school and see how he is - he may go back to his previous sleep pattern, but to be honest anything is worth a shot, if it doesn't you can take him out of school again.

DS regressed at the beginning of lockdown but he was bed wetting.

The thing which really helped him was that we got much more structured with our day. Up, dressed, breakfast, teeth. Then a 'family chat' where we planned what we'd do do

Exercise
School / activity before break
Snack and break outside
School / activity after break
Online story on the iPad whilst I made lunch
Lunch and break outside
Activity after lunch
Tv timE
Tea
Bath & bed

After a week or so of that he stopped wetting.

Might help your DS feel more secure if the day becomes nice and predictable.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, it does make me hopeful.. but yet again here i am putting him back in to bed for the 10th time since 7.45pm and he's already screaming the house down

Does he have something he can do on his own in bed, if he's not falling asleep? DD is seven and she reads with a small light on. A friend's DS listens to Moshi stories. My DNiece has a heated blanket and some quiet meditation music. Is there anything that might calm him?

@PragmaticWench he has his vtech smart watch as its got photos on that he likes to look at to stop him thinking about scary things and he likes to know the time to see how long until morning 🤦🏼‍♀️

I do always say to get a book and read but he always comes in our room in the middle night and will say i dont know which one or i cant read this word etc etc

Sometimes giving him things seems to give him even more reasons to get up. Ive been looking at audio books though but not sure what to play them through and which stories are best to help sleep

I thought about sending her back to cm twice a week, but as another poster has suggested this could just be seen to ds as a reward for his behaviour

But he won’t know this is the reason she’s going to the childminder. You just tell him that it’s good news that DD can go to the childminder because you’ve been looking forward to spending time alone with him.

I would also try co-sleeping for now, until things get back to normal or you can get help from the GP.

Dont ignore the worms suggestion. I'd be screaming the house down at night if I had them. Ovex works within a day or two. Whole household should be treated.

You poor thing, he sounds terribly anxious. It sounds like he’s going to bed very early for one thing,,. Perhaps later on he’d be more tired. Also, do what’s right for your family in terms of child minders and school, not about how guilty you may feel, or according to what other posters say about rewarding.

I would send him to school.
I had some "sleep potion" for dd2. She was younger than your ds. In reality it was lavender pillow spray.
Have you tried Audi tapes specifically designed to relax and send you to sleep. I was given one by a therapist when I could not sleep due to severe anxiety and it did help.
Can you try yoga together? It is beneficial in so many levels. If he is resistant to this I would do it yourself. It will benefit you and the hibiscus then on your d's to either choose to spend this time with mum or not. Don't compromise on this time, he chooses to either do it or find something else to do.
At 7 he is old enough to begin making choices.
If he chooses to disturb you all day and night then tell him the consequences in a calm manner. Your husband needs to be in on this conversation too.
So if d's chooses to not do x (could be stay in bed until 8am or play with a toy/game alone from 10-11) you decide, then the consequence is mum does not earn money then. So consequence for ds is the he doesn't get X (insert consequence which will have the most effect) new toy/macdonalds/ice cream etc.cake it something which costs money. He is preventing you from working so he will lose out.keep it simple and start small. So 1 hour slot only to start and then build up.
Next remove all screens from his room. Make sure his room is tidy and clean, thinking of the itching here. Make sure it is a calm place for sleeping. Bath him before bed change into pjs, have a milky drink, bed time story and then bed. Bed is for sleeping.
Enforce the rule about him entertaining himself or staying in his room until the agreed time.If he breaks it, and he will at first, enforce the consequence. Oh dear you did not allow mummy to work and earn money so mummy and daddy don't have the money to buy you Mcdonalds/New game/whatever will hurt him most.
He has to feel the consequence his actions are having.
Once again though I would send him to school no questions asked.

I don’t understand why people keep saying send him back to school. If he is 7, so year 2 or 3? I thought no schools were taking those year groups?