Angry childish DH or Aibu?

[thisonething]

I meant to put this here in aibu but wrote it in relationships instead so I have just copied it here for more traffic

Can anyone please tell me your thoughts on this situation that happened recently. I have changed my name and I don’t want to give too much back story as I just want to talk about this one incident.

My DH came home from work last night, was in a normal/good mood. He and I went for a walk around our neighbourhood while the kids stayed home (they are almost 16, 11 & 9) had a great chat etc.

When we got home he was sitting in the lounge and my 16yo was in the kitchen, I heard him call our sons name repeatedly (a bit like that gopher meme that calls out Allan repeatedly) just constant Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason* (not his real name).
I poked my head around the corner from the hall and sort of smiled and said “really? Why don’t you just go and speak to him face to face?” Well then his face just darkened, he lifted his phone as if he was about the throw it but instead slammed it down on the couch then stomped to the kitchen and said to our son angrily “just tell me what you want for dinner so I can get it” my son sort of laughed and said “why are you angry at me, I haven’t done anything” then my husband was like ‘ok, so anything then, you want nothing, fine I’ll get you nothing for dinner’

We were just shocked at his childishness and he got more angry.
I went to our room as I was mad at him and he followed me and said are we going to talk about it or is this going to carry on all weekend.
Here’s the thing, in the past he used to to act like a jerk for days and then just seemingly get over it and be all happy and sunshine and if I was still standoffish due to being upset he would tell me that I’M the reason there’s still tension in the house as I was keeping the argument going.
So anyway, when he said that tonight I got my back up and calmly explained why he had upset me and I thought he was being unreasonable. He denied it at first then went quiet so I thought he understood.
I then went out for a little bit to get some space.

WHEN I got back 20mins later, he was mad at our 9yo, he told me why but it didn’t seem like a huge deal but I wasn’t there so didn’t see what had happened.

In the end, I’m sitting at the table eating and he’s trying to get our 9yo to go to his room. Our 9yo is crying and standing near me (to be fair he wasn’t listening about going to his room) and my DH went to climb over the table to get to him.
He was furious. He got mad at me for not holding our son so he could grab him and take him to his bedroom.
I told my DH enough and he got mad and went to our bedroom and we didn’t see him for the rest of the night.

When I woke up today he is at work and I’m a bit anxious about what his behaviour will be when he gets home.
Will he be remorseful and apologise or will he still be angry and tense and put us all on edge. I feel sick thinking about it.

So should I have backed my DH up? Not said anything to him about his behaviour? Was he being reasonable?
(There’s a few more details I have left out, mainly my DH talking to the 9yo so childishly)

[LegallyBlue]

@thisonething What on earth are you even asking here then? I think you've behaved unreasonably. You clearly think you've acted perfectly and that your children are perfect too. In your mind, your partner is 100% in the wrong so I'm not sure why you posted here as if you're not sure who is in the wrong - you've made up your mind and you're sticking with it.
If your son didn't hear him, then you could have politely and kindly said to your husband that you don't think your son can hear - no need to be rude or condescending with it. If your son was supposed to be going to bed and you don't like how your partner was doing it then sitting there doing nothing doesn't help anyone. It doesn't "protect" your son from your husband and it doesn't get your son to bed. Why not put your son to bed yourself instead of watching and criticising? Your son should have gone to bed and you were doing nothing at all to help.
Your husband doesn't appear to be any more explosive or angry than you do - and you both sound equally as childish. You sound very disrespectful and so do your children. If you're worried about your children's safety then it doesn't make much sense that you keep wandering off and leaving them alone with him. "Scared children" who laugh in the face of their supposed "abuser" sounds more like mummy's molly-coddled little princes to me...

[C152H]

It sounds like your DH may have a stricter parenting style, which causes some of the conflict. Perhaps this is something you should both talk about and come up with an approach that works for both of you, so you are able to present a united front? (e.g. I would have expected the 16 year old to answer, if he heard; but I also would have expected your DH to say reasonably that he expects a reply when he calls, not immediately start yelling about no dinner.)

As to whether your DH was reasonable...perhaps. Only you know that for sure. It is a parents job to teach and discipline their children. If the 9 year old did something wrong, then your DH was reasonable for asking him to go to his room (if that's the usual rule). However, the level of rage and how quickly your DH goes from zero to raging mad is not reasonable. I would take your son standing by you as him being afraid of his father - and who wouldn't be? A furious adult screaming and lunging for me by climbing across furniture? This is not acceptable. And your phrasing and, let's face it, fear, suggests a level of abuse. Your DH needs to address his anger and how he manages difficult situations, and you need to think seriously about whether you and the children are safe.

[IncrediblySadToo]

He wouldn't be coming 'home' tonight if he lived here. He'd be hoping to god he had a family member/friend to let him bubble

It's disgraceful behaviour from a grown man. No way would I allow him to behave like that around me and certainly not around my children.

[Trevsadick]

My 16yo wasn't ignoring him, he didn't hear my DH calling him. Sure, he can be rude at times, he's a teenager, but he was in the kitchen doing his chores. I felt like my DH flew off the handle for absolutely no reason.

So rather than, telling your husband to get up and go to him, either shout the teenager or tell your husband that you he can't hear him.

His anger isn't OK. Especially at the 9 year old. The lunging across the table isn't OK. Or expecting you to hold him in place so he can grab him.

But I generally get a feel that, you orwfer to interfer and make it worse by criticising your husband or tell him what to do, rather than something helpful.

It does sound like you sit back and just poke to make it worse.

[PawPawNoodle]

@thisonething how could your son not hear him repeatedly calling his name? Your son was in the kitchen and his dad in the lounge which are usually reasonably close rooms, unless you live in a mansion or had music blaring I would be more inclined to assume he was ignoring his dad. I don't see why you felt the need to say anything to your husband either, you could have just as easily told your son his dad is calling him.

You then dismiss your husband over what hes upset about and then just sit there letting him get even more exasperated with your younger child and allowing the situation to escalate, when you could have put the fork down and taken your child to his room and calmed him down there, leaving your husband to also calm down while also feeling like he isn't being undermined.

If he has 'form' then why don't you try talking to him about why his anger escalates and what he can do to address it rather than getting us to gut him for you.

[OldEvilOwl]

My argument is that it appears that he works full time and does ALL the parenting and housework whilst OP appears to sit on her arse, eating and criticising

That's not an argument though is it? Your assuming all those things

[thisonething]

I wasn't rude or condescending to my husband, I thought he was trying to be funny the way he was calling out so I did sort of laugh/smile and say maybe you should go to him.

My son wasn't supposed to be going to bed, just going to his room for time out. If I had of interjected and told him to go my DH would have been mad at me for involving myself so I stayed quiet, but my son was scared of my husband trying to climb over the kitchen table to get at him and I wasn't going to hold my 9yo son for my DH to grab?

I'm not disrespectful and neither are my kids (sure I guess they can be at times, but they're kids and they get pulled up on it) I actually never 'storm off' in anger, I'm always the one that wants to talk about it. Our marriage counsellor has told us previously if tensions are high then someone, doesn't matter who, needs to remove themselves from the situation, so I did.
Never in my post did I describe any of my behaviour that could be labeled as explosive or angry?

No I don't think I'm perfect or my kids.
I just typed out the back story to this in response to your posts but have decided against it. Just remember you don't know everyone's story.

[LegallyBlue]

K

[HannaYeah]

My first instinct is that what’s happening relates to the fact that it’s very hard on some men and their sense of self and ego to have a 16 year old son.

Your son is growing into a young man, needs your DH less and less and soon won’t be under his fatherly control or protection at all. Meanwhile your husband is getting older and this sounds like a bit of a one-sided power struggle. (Since your son didn’t even hear him. In our house it would have been both at this game.)

So no, your DH was not being reasonable but I think you can help him by being understanding and easing things a bit between them. Acknowledge it: “It’s hard that our little boy is growing up.”

I’ve seen this with my step son and DH. SS needing autonomy and DH trying to grip even tighter to stop the whole progression of his child becoming a man while his own days as a young man are gone. Soon SS will be the stronger of the two of them. Now that we talk about it openly things have settled down a great deal. We are enjoying watch DSS grow up and excited for his future all while reminiscing about the sweet little boy he used to be.

[HannaYeah]

His behavior toward the 9 year old could be just an extension of his anger at the 16 year. Subconsciously thinking well this one soon won’t have to listen but the 9 year old I can control.

[Ohdearfindingthisboringnow]

There could be a bit of this going on......

LegallyBlue Sat 13-Jun-20 11:15:43
Honestly, it sounds like he's doing all the parenting whilst you just watch from the sidelines and criticise him.
I feel like if he were the mother and he posted here saying saying "I was asking my 16yo what he wants for dinner and my husband just mocked me" or "my husband just sat there whilst I was trying to get our defiant 9yo to go to bed" then the responses would be very different.

Without being there it is difficult to see what happened but he is clearly struggling to control his emotions at the moment. Is this usual for him. Is this different? Does he usually sort the children whilst you watch him struggle with it? He sounds like he needs some help....at least with managing his emotions...

[MrsCocoaJones8]

I’d be fairly irritated if I was shouting on one of the kids while cooking the tea or whatever and my husband just said “she can’t hear you, go and get get” rather than going to get her by himself.

[Kirschcherry]

I’m surprised by some responses. If my DH was angry and trying to physically grab my scared 9 year old I would be physically in the middle telling him to calm down or get the fuck out. He would absolutely do the same to me if I ever lost it like that. That kind of behaviour is not ok.

[Nearlyalmost50]

I can't see anything else than an angry man trying to reach his 9 year old across a table- to do what? Physically pick him up and put him in his room? Physical should be OUT by age 9. You cannot physically move a 9 year old, and certainly not a 16 year old. They may also lash out themselves. It would hurt to be physically carried by a parent at that age.

Your DH is out of control on that level. All the rest is trivial by comparison.

[Mittens030869]

It's difficult to know how to help when the other parent is struggling with parenting. Sometimes stepping in can make it worse. I know that when I'm stressed out with our DDs, if DH tries to involve himself the stress levels actually go up.

Quite clearly, the OP's DH isn't coping, probably because of lockdown stress, but his behaviour towards the 9 year old was out of order, and DS2 was clearly scared of him at that moment. However, in that scenario, the OP was far too passive and ought to have stepped in to help calm things down. And she should have supported the time out consequence.

[Pumperthepumper]

@Kirschcherry

I’m surprised by some responses. If my DH was angry and trying to physically grab my scared 9 year old I would be physically in the middle telling him to calm down or get the fuck out. He would absolutely do the same to me if I ever lost it like that. That kind of behaviour is not ok.

I agree with this, lunging to a scared 9-year old is horrible, there’s no way I’d allow that around my kids.

[Rosebel]

A 9 year old should be listening to his dad. Presumably if he has his dad wouldn't have gone to grab him, but 9 year old knows he can run to mummy and she'll undermine dad so of course he doesn't listen.
Your 16 year old was cheeky by the sound of it but I can see you don't believe it. Does your husband always get the blame? Do you or your children ever accept that you might be wrong or are winding him up?

[Ohnoherewego62]

Nobody is excusing this behaviour.

Op said herself that she didnt think what 9 year old had gone was a big deal so she didnt help step in to enforce the punishment.

She also ignored the obvious incoming situation with the teenager ie by not intervening. Hence why the children aren't following dads voice.

If hes aggressive and abusive then leave hut from what I've read, you don't agree with his parenting style and allow the children to be confused.

[BashStreetKid]

So the 16 year old was ignoring his dad

OP clarified on the other thread that the 16 year old didn't hear his dad.

[BashStreetKid]

9 year old knows he can run to mummy and she'll undermine dad

I don't see how failing to hold him so that his father can climb over the table and physically drag him away constitutes undermining his father.

[LegallyBlue]

Has no one on here ever watched Supernanny? Physically placing a child into a time out is exactly how to parent a naughty nine year old. I can literally picture the nine year old running round and round the table to get out of being put in his bedroom and the husband having the choice to either go over the table and stop the game or for OP to hold him still. OP admits that the nine year old was supposed to be going to his room for punishment, not for bed but nothing on what the nine year old did to deserve that punishment and no discipline whatsoever from OP.
Has no one in here ever put their child into a time out?!

[Cheeeeislifenow]

@legallyblue
Never ever ever have I seen a parent launch themselves across a table to grab a child and put them into "time out".
That's not parenting, it's just throwing your weight around.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

And Supernanny is shit imo.

[LegallyBlue]

@Cheeeeislifenow How does it make any difference to anything whether he went over or around the table?! There's no logical reason why he'd go over the table unless that was the most efficient way to discipline his son so I assume that, seeing as this guy is doing absolutely everything on his own whilst OP sits back with her feet up, it was his only option.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

There is no reason to physically grab a child at the age of nine. A toddler who is climbing on a window sill? Fine. A nine year old refusing to go their room? Not fine. You use consequences such as removing priveledges, not physically grabbing.