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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find toddler REALLY hard work sometimes

64 replies

SquidwardTortellini95 · 12/06/2020 20:49

Hi all. I'm a mum to a gorgeous 17 month old DD. She is gorgeous, cheeky, wonderful, and a delight most of the time. Most...

But recently, I think partly due to lockdown and partly due to her just getting closer to the dreaded terrible twos, I've started to find her quite hard work and have found myself getting quite irritated with her at times Sad

She is just starting to throw tantrums and perfect her outraged shriek Grin, and although most of the time she is lovely, when she is throwing a tantrum or has been whinging all day, or is refusing to go to sleep, I can feel myself getting quite cross, to the point where I've had to put her down in her cot and walk away from her to take a few deep breaths.

I know walking away is the right thing to do, but I still feel so guilty for getting so angry. When I feel that anger building I sometimes feel like I could quite easily hit her... I never have and I wouldn't allow myself to get to that point (as soon as that thought comes into my head I put her down and walk away), but again I feel so guilty for that thought even entering my head. But sometimes I'm just like GGGRRR!

It has definitely gotten worse since lockdown. I have a DP who is very helpful when he is home, but he is an essential worker so still working, so it's just me and DD at home 95% of the time.

Has anyone else felt this way? I'm a FTM and it seems like mums are painted as always being smiley and happy and having endless patience.. and I often don't feel that way Sad Of course love DD with everything in me and would die for her, but I would be lying if I said I always enjoyed her Sad But then I feel like a terrible mum for thinking that!

OP posts:
krankykittykat · 12/06/2020 22:31

I was actually going to Google how to perform a home exorcism for my 23 month old last week

krankykittykat · 12/06/2020 22:34

@maybemaybell unfortunately we can't all be such perfect parents who don't need to walk away for 5 minutes

Minai · 12/06/2020 22:37

Yanbu. 17 month olds are hard. I found my Ds1 a lot easier from the age of 2 and now he’s 3 he’s mostly lovely but my 18 month old is just constantly tantrumming and whinging about nothing. It’s hard to enjoy them when they are like this so don’t feel bad but it does get better.

grey12 · 12/06/2020 22:45

DD2 is 26 months

Today was a terrible day Sad the crying and whining and tantrumming was off the scale. I totally lost my immense patience....

Do you reckon she may be teething??? Both my DDs always suffered with it and DD2 is cutting her last molar. I am really hoping this horrible behaviour is mainly pain. Because she's a sweetheart otherwise (bossy, knows what she wants, catfights with sister, but alright)

Dipi79 · 12/06/2020 23:16

I have twin toddlers and I don't do time out ever, as I don't agree with it. Parenting twins as a single mother is fucking exhausting, but because I don't 'exclude' them when they are expressing themselves strongly, they are learning to self-regulate really well.

Original poster
SquidwardTortellini95 · 12/06/2020 23:18

@Dipi79 I don't put her in her cot and leave her to discipline her. I know she's a little young for that. I do it so I can calm MYSELF down.

OP posts:
Dipi79 · 12/06/2020 23:30

@SquidwardTortellini95, I understood your original post perfectly. I didn't suggest you were using this as a disciplinary tool. I stated that I do things differently. Parenting a toddler or toddlers is tough, so if that works for you and your family, then great.

katmarie · 12/06/2020 23:35

OP I feel your pain. I have a 2.4 year old, and my god he can get on every single one of my nerves. I also have a 7 month old DD who is just starting to work out what she wants and doesnt want, and that only adds to the joys of lockdown.

Anyone who says that mothers are happy and joyful all the time is either lying, high, or has never been a mother. Putting the kid down and walking away for a few minutes is far far better than losing your temper and screaming at the kid. They have no idea that they're pushing all our buttons, they're just being toddlers. But by god I wish mine would go and do that somewhere else at times. But then every now and then he runs over and gives me a hug, or takes my hand, or snuggles into me to watch tv when hes sleepy, and I melt, and decide he can stay after all.

TinyPigeon · 12/06/2020 23:43

Remember @SquidwardTortellini95 that super judgey perfect parents like @Dipi79 may in fact be childless middle aged men behind the computer screen. Twins is often a tell.

My son is 18 months and I have a newborn. I cry most days! It's so hard! Today he headbutted me in the throat and I nearly fell down the stairs. But he is learning to talk! And he is so so funny! I can't wait for bedtime and then I miss him. These are the things I try to remember. My god is it hard though Flowers

Winniewonka · 12/06/2020 23:45

I'm not doubting anyone's love for their child but I find it sad that it's become commonplace not just on this thread for people to refer to their toddlers as complete dicks or absolute dickheads. Have they forgotten it's adult derogatory slang for a penis?

Dipi79 · 13/06/2020 00:39

@TinyPigeon, I'm not actually being judgemental; I'm expressing my opinion on how I do things with my girls.
We don't have to always agree with everything on Mumsnet; all parents do what works best for them. I had Twin 2 repeatedly kicking me in the chest yesterday during a nappy change. Parenting toddlers is hard. End of.
Not really concerned whether you think I'm an impostor, @tinypigeon; I don't require your approbation, nor does OP require mine.

AllesAusLiebe · 13/06/2020 01:24

Sending some solidarity your way, OP.

The amount of times I’ve had to walk away during the past weeks because of my DS’s completely outrageous behaviour and constant demands!

But, please remember - by walking away to calm down you’re demonstrating to your DD how to regulate emotions and self control in a calm and positive way. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with children seeing that mum is also human and has limits.

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 13/06/2020 08:37

@peajotter our NCT leader said you have to sell them on etsy rather than ebay because you made them yourself Grin

meow1989 · 13/06/2020 08:43

Ds is 2 in a week or so. Hes a gorgeous delightful happy child... except when he isnt! To be fair hes pretty good generally but we have started having tantrums, especially around putting things away if he has pulled all his books off a shelf etc, I try and pick my battles but do find myself swearing under my breath fairly often.

They're little terrors!

formerbabe · 13/06/2020 08:47

Toddlers are hard work...it's like looking after a drunk friend on a night out but all day!! Honestly, if children went from baby to primary age and missed out the toddler stage, I might have had more than 2!

Pinkblueberry · 13/06/2020 08:57

I think that age is really tricky. I’ve found DS has been much easier since he reached his ‘terrible twos’. It’s pretty hard I think to ‘discipline’ a one year old, they don’t tend to understand consequences or why something shouldn’t be done, or they just don’t care. Mine even went through a really annoying phase of laughing at me when I said ‘no’, he thought me getting cross was hilarious. He has been a lot easier to reason with as two year old. Although of course I won’t speak to soon - he might be on standby for the ‘terrible threes.’ I’m enjoying the nice behaviour while I can Grin

Colouringinbook · 13/06/2020 08:59

I found 18mo really hard - there was no logic at all to what set DS off. Plus everything was a battle - getting in the buggy, getting in the car seat. Who knew toddlers were so strong?

Colom · 13/06/2020 08:59

At least you have the good sense to walk away to regulate yourself OP - I've lost the plot with my three year old in the middle of lockdown and oh how I wished I'd walked away!

Toddlers/preschoolers are a pain. I have two and it's been very trying since the youngest turned two. I'm a SAHM and the whining/fighting/meltdowns have really got me down over the past six months. I hate living in chaos and look forward to them becoming more reasonable. They will both be going to preschool in September so in the mean time I cannot bloody wait to get rid of them for a few hours per day!

chocolatemademefat · 13/06/2020 10:01

Keep walking away. When my DS1 was six I smacked him - this was over twenty years ago and the only time I did it - and it still makes me feel like shit. He remembers it too and jokes about it but I can’t see any humour in it even now.
They try your patience all the time and 17 months is a difficult age - especially during this lockdown. It’s a stage she’s going through and it’ll happen no matter how you try to stop it. With my DS2 I always told him I loved him no matter how badly behaved he was and left him to tantrum.
As long as you’re there with cuddles when they calm down they’ll soon get over it. Good luck.

mrsBtheparker · 13/06/2020 10:33

DD was a demon child, loved to destroy the house, empty cabinets and drawers, etc.

I realise that this is very out of date now but playpens solved a lot of the destruction problems. The way children are raised now exacerbates most problems, they may be small but they seem to know that they have their parents over a barrel, they really don't need to be amused and occupied by their parents every second, learn to say No and if necessary leave them to it.

Original poster
SquidwardTortellini95 · 13/06/2020 10:34

@maybemaybeII Can I ask why you felt the need to make your own thread about this and essentially denigrate me and other parents who need to take a breather sometimes? If the intention was to make me feel like shit, congratulations, it's working. Biscuit

Thank you to everyone else who is understanding and non judgemental. Clearly we cannot all be perfect like @maybemaybell, but we can try!

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 13/06/2020 10:40

Because people like @maybemaybeII like to feel superior to others, and the only way they can manage it is by putting others down. Sad really.

corythatwas · 13/06/2020 10:44

OP, just ignore goady poster: the rest of us have your back!

When I went through those stages, I used to comfort myself with the thought that my mother found me difficult at that age. I have younger brothers and remembered times when they were difficult. My mother herself does not appear to have been perfect at all times. There are even anecdotes suggesting my grandmother (going back the 1800s here) may have been a bit of a handful too. I had also had the opportunity to take a good look at my nephews and nieces.

In other words, the difficult times were not about me as a parent.

And the difficult times in your house are not about you as a parent either, OP. You will get through them. You will accept that sometimes life is just a bit shit and sometimes you are too tired, but that on the whole you are doing a good job.

differentnameforthis · 13/06/2020 10:45

OP, completely normal! Most HCP would tell you to do this. You are doing the right thing.

I am sure you are doing a great job! My dd is 11, is autistic, and when in the middle of a meltdown, I often have to step out to "collect" myself too.

You cannot give when you have nothing left to give.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/06/2020 10:53

@mrsBtheparker

DD was a demon child, loved to destroy the house, empty cabinets and drawers, etc.

I realise that this is very out of date now but playpens solved a lot of the destruction problems. The way children are raised now exacerbates most problems, they may be small but they seem to know that they have their parents over a barrel, they really don't need to be amused and occupied by their parents every second, learn to say No and if necessary leave them to it.

I always think that it's weird when people insist that their generation parented perfectly but that the next generation is doing it all wrong. If that parenting was so good why are the children raised with it either unwilling or incapable of doing it themselves?