...not to want this baby?

[CrumbCoat]

NC for obvious reasons.

I've just found out I'm pregnant (5 weeks or so), and it's not a great time. We have a 13-month-old and mat leave really drained our finances, which are shaky now DP is furloughed. We bought our house just before our first was born and it still needs lots doing which we couldn't afford if we had another mat leave. I feel my partner and I have only just started regaining an equilibrium and I'm enjoying being back at work (albeit remotely) and rediscovering that side of myself. In general our life feels a bit chaotic and white-knuckle and I just don't feel ready for another child, let alone 2 under 2 which was never my dream.

On the other hand, we adore the child we have, we wanted more kids, I'm not getting any younger, DH is a wonderful hands-on parent and partner, the house is a 3-bed and could hold us all... and there is never a right time.

I feel very guilty that the most I can muster about this situation is ambivalence when DC1 was so desperately wanted, but honestly I worry that another child will be bad for us right now. I feel quite overwhelmed by life - I wanted to wait another year and get us on a more even keel financially, emotionally and workwise.

AIBU to feel this just isn't right for us? Or maybe more to the point not right for ME? I wanted to buckle down on my career for a year, enjoy having a bit more freedom from DC. I feel selfish and small about it, but my gut is screaming no.

I don't feel I can discuss any of this frankly with anyone else, so I would appreciate your frankness. How have you handled a small age gap? Would you do it again? Have you contemplated/had an abortion in this sort of situation?

It's hard.

All I can share is my own experience.

DH and i had a termination in our early 20s as it wasn't the right time. We then had planned DS 8 years later, all good. I then had 3 miscarriages and in my pain blamed myself, told myself it was karma for the termination etc. Luckily we eventually had DD but I still live with the grief for my 3 little lost stars.

I understand it may not be the right time, just prepare yourself for how you might feel if you terminate now, in the event that future plans for a second child don't go as you hope.

I fell pregnant with my third son when ds2 was almost 4 months old. They’re 13 months apart. I was terrified, but it’s easy to look back and say it was great!

I breastfed them both for a stretch which was unique! They’re 10 and 9 now and really good friends. You forget the logistical difficulties of the first few years.

I was in a similar situation and we did have a termination. We went on to have a 2nd child a few years later. I don’t regret that it meant we have our gorgeous son, but I wish we had a smaller age gap. With hindsight, I think I would have continued with the pregnancy. But the only right answer is the one you and your partner make yourselves.

I had 13m between the first two.. deliberately as I wanted them to grow up together... then 4 months later was (mini pill failure) pregnant again.. so had three in two years and three months.
OK it was hard work, but being so close meant stuff passed on, toddler groups suited them all, I toilet trained the eldest and the others simply watched and copied :)

They fought sometimes, but were stongly bonded , and now as adults are very close which is lovely. I had no 4 three years later so it can't have been too bad :)

But..everyone is different and you need to do what is right for you. One of my friends was in a similar position when expectedly pregnant, knew it was not the right time, so terminated without regret ... she did go on to have another when the time was right.

17 months between my 2. One lot of baby equipment. Wouldn't like to have started the baby phase again after a 3/4 year gap. Worked really well for us.

Thank you all so much. I was anticipating possibly getting a bit of a flaming but the responses to this have been everything that's good about Mumsnet. I really appreciate it.

As it happens I have had miscarriages before - 2 TTC before DC stuck, and another a very long time ago. So I'm very conscious of not taking this stuff for granted, and a few years ago I'd never dreamed that I might choose to end a pregnancy when the conditions are on the face of it pretty good. I need to do a bit of thinking, and DP and I are going to take this weekend to really discuss things, but I'm now thinking that some of my fears may well have practical solutions that don't involve ending the pregnancy.

My instinct is that I want to enjoy my family, however small it happens to be - I'd rather have only one child than feel overwhelmed or railroaded if that makes sense? But as so many of you have pointed out, there are no guarantees that having two would feel that way. Certainly I've so far found parenting a lot less onerous and a lot more joyful than I was prepared for it to be!

I feel a whole lot less lost and helpless, so thank you v much.

Also more people struggle with pnd when they have 2 under 2 I have a friend whom thought it would be perfect and she used to say to me "my kids will be able to play in the pool on hol together and we can watch from side of pool" insinuating I was leaving 2 big of a gap. She suffered with severe pnd I found it easy with the gap of been mummy to a baby and the school routine kept me sane as I had someone to talk to lol but not all day and the walk with pram was nice 2x a day. Also as for friend the idea in her head has never materialised neither. My sil had 2 under 2 had bad pnd and they are 3 and 4 at mo and my god the screaming and constant accidents etc as she has 2 boys whom are boisterous. If u are not ready wait til u are. Ideally wait til oldest just starts school so baby and child in reception

From a financial point of view, its worth thinking about nursery fees if you're using nursery. Two sets of fees can be crippling depending on salary, and if you can space things out so the older one is getting the 3 year funding its not quite so bad. Once they're in school wrap around care isn't so bad, you just have to plan for holiday clubs etc, but its doable.

I don't believe there's an 'ideal' age gap, but we had 3 under 5 and it was pretty brutal. Easier as they're getting older, but that's because they're all fairly chilled, 3 live wires would have finished me.

16 month age gap here. The second wasn’t accidental but I thought it would take a long time to conceive based on needing ivf the first time. It took one month.

I won’t lie. The first year or so with 2 was very very hard and the 2 under 2 thing is so tough.

But they are 4 and 5 now and little pals. They even sleep together despite having their own rooms,

You need to Also consider that most people don’t get their ideal gap. Mother Nature decides- and then see how you feel then.

It absolutely wouldn't have worked for me. At that stage I was still pretty fragile.

There is nearly 5 years between dd1 (9) and dd2 (4) and it's been brilliant for us.

Dd2 isn't at school so I've only had to home school dd1.

Most importantly though is even with the age gap my two get on really well and have been great during this time.