...not to want this baby?

[CrumbCoat]

NC for obvious reasons.

I've just found out I'm pregnant (5 weeks or so), and it's not a great time. We have a 13-month-old and mat leave really drained our finances, which are shaky now DP is furloughed. We bought our house just before our first was born and it still needs lots doing which we couldn't afford if we had another mat leave. I feel my partner and I have only just started regaining an equilibrium and I'm enjoying being back at work (albeit remotely) and rediscovering that side of myself. In general our life feels a bit chaotic and white-knuckle and I just don't feel ready for another child, let alone 2 under 2 which was never my dream.

On the other hand, we adore the child we have, we wanted more kids, I'm not getting any younger, DH is a wonderful hands-on parent and partner, the house is a 3-bed and could hold us all... and there is never a right time.

I feel very guilty that the most I can muster about this situation is ambivalence when DC1 was so desperately wanted, but honestly I worry that another child will be bad for us right now. I feel quite overwhelmed by life - I wanted to wait another year and get us on a more even keel financially, emotionally and workwise.

AIBU to feel this just isn't right for us? Or maybe more to the point not right for ME? I wanted to buckle down on my career for a year, enjoy having a bit more freedom from DC. I feel selfish and small about it, but my gut is screaming no.

I don't feel I can discuss any of this frankly with anyone else, so I would appreciate your frankness. How have you handled a small age gap? Would you do it again? Have you contemplated/had an abortion in this sort of situation?

They are the best of friends

Similar age gap between mine and I’m being completely honest the first year was horrendous but now they are 11 and 9 and even though they argue a lot they wouldn’t be without each other. I have a younger one who’s only 21 month old and I worry so much about him being brought up with such a big age gap and feel he is missing out.

From having two close together and then having another years later I would definitely choose to have them close together. Going back to the baby days when you have been out of it for years is one hell of a shock to the system.

Yes. First child i was at uni anyways fast forward she was 2.5 I've qualified and working anyways trying to save to buy. I get pregnant and I was same didnt want it I wanted a life and get house etc. I was gonna get rid but miscarried and was happy but mixed feelings. I couldn't think of owt worse than 2 under 2. I have a 5 and 10 yr old and it's fine

Similar age gap between mine, surprise baby was a last 'hurrah' just as my marriage was ending.So I became a lone parent to 2 under 2. There have been incredibly tough times,but now 17 years later,the 3 of us,have a bond super sttong bond. My feelings about him could have become very negative the timing and pregnancy at the time were very difficult to manage.However the opposite happened he was a positive thing in a shit time. He still is a 17 year old 6ft 4 loveable kind young man. It is in the end totally your decision but I wanted to share my experience of a positive ending,to perhaps a badly timed pregnancy.

My oldest started school in Sept and youngest born in nov 4 ye 10 month is a good age. Mum and baby time but a routine of getting older child and also only one lot of childcare to pay for when bk at work

I have been in a similar situation and chose not to have the baby. It is incredibly difficult but I have never regretted the decision. It was best for me and my child. If you choose that route, the earlier you start, the easier it is.

Lots of babies close together in my family.

I was born less than 13 months after my sister. She gave birth to two children less than 13 months apart. Another sister had her 3rd 14 months after her 2nd. My cousin gave birth to two children within a year - they were in the same school year: one in September and the other born in August!

Given that you want more children, I'd go for it. Yes it will be hard, but as you say there is no ideal time and you cannot guarantee that you will get another chance.

Just under 2 years between mine, I was gutted when I found out I was pregnant again, I did want more children but the timing was very wrong. I don't think I had a single day of excitement until he arrived. Now they're the absolute best of friends, they play together for hours and hours (meaning I get time to sit with my tea and not be involved in every single imaginary game, playdough marathon or car race) and I'm very glad we went ahead with it as we started trying for our third when I was 33, I'm now nearly 36 and we've not caught again which is hard but nowhere near as hard as it would be if didn't already have two, the third one was the cherry on top but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. For me personally I made the choice to have him because I knew I wanted more children, and everything else would just have to fall into line even if I couldn't see how at the time.

OP, please don't ever feel guilty about your thoughts.

The only thing that leaps out from your post is that you were thinking about having another child in year or so.

How much of a difference would that year make, either way?

Been there OP on my 4th (I have a 12 month gap between first two as it was) I couldn't have coped with a 4th.

Give yourself a week and get crisis counseling, both of you. It was a game changer for me

I agree with most people - it’s entirely up to you. I would take time to think it through though.

For me, I think I’d keep it. If you want more kids, there’s never a perfect time, and there’s lots to be said for having them close together. Plus you get it over and done with, and then can really concentrate on work knowing you won’t be going off again in a few years (unless you want more of course).

OP if you had said you were 39 my advice would be keep going with the pregnancy But since you are only 30, you really need to go with what you want. Only you know how you feel. If you are struggling and want to get back to work then this is probably not the right time to have a baby. But it has to be 100% what is right for you.

Just another perspective. My sister and I have 18 months between us and we are best friends now. I’m glad we are so close in age as we supported each other now and as kids. You will also find that they will entertain each other in a couple of years.

This is something I could have written a couple of years back. Firstly, you are completely entitled to your thoughts, thoughts I too had.
You are being practical, cautious and reasonable. The furlough situation is adding to already strained set of circumstances.
What I would say having gone ahead with my pregnancy and ending up with a twelve month age gap is that I wouldn't change a thing for the world. They're still young - 2 and 1, so still in the thick of it. But if things are tight they're really not going to be much tighter with two.
I now have guilt that I worried the whole way through the pregnancy, even in labour I thought what am I doing, but life does have away of working itself out. Now, as friends are falling pregnant with their second I'm thinking thank God I've not got to that, thank god I didn't have a newborn and a toddler! 🌺

I've been in your situation twice... With different outcomes.
First, I was 19 when I became pregnant by someone 13 years older, we were in a relationship but I was the only one working. My beautiful boy was born 6mnths after by 20th birthday (he just turned 15 on weds) a couple of months later I found out I was pregnant again. I was due 2 days after my sons 1st birthday. I had mild pnd, doing childcare, housework, working whilst he did sfa. I kept putting it out of my mind, in the end I knew I couldn't do it but had left it so long I had to travel to London for a termination under GA. I always think about it and what could have been, but it was most definitely the right decision at that time.
A few years later, after thankfully leaving the useless lump, I was pregnant had a beautiful baby girl. Became very ill after 4 months and then 2 months later found out I was pregnant again. I'll admit I did have doubts but my now husband was amazing. Mtmy girls are 13mths apart and are now 11 & 10. Yes it was hard work, still is, they can fight like cat and dog but they can also be best friends.
No one can tell you what to do, you have to do what's right for you and your family. I did, but it doesn't mean I didn't suffer, I had to have counselling after.
You and your husband have to sit down and have a serious talk and decide together what is best. You will need his 100% support whatever you decide

My view is this: imagine a point in your future where you aborted this baby but didn't manage to get pregnant again. Do you have any regrets or do you feel you did the right thing? Of course you could conceive again but nothing is guaranteed. It's important to run through all the potential scenarios in your head and find the one that brings you most peace.

I don't think there's ever a perfect time to have a baby, and especially when it comes as a surprise there's all sorts of things to suddenly consider which weren't even on the horizon. We have a small age gap and a larger age gap, and I really think the small age gap has so many advantages, despite the obvious difficulties. Sharing/handing down clothes and toys is easier, because they don't have to be stored for ages before being used. The older child wasn't old enough to be jealous about the new baby. And, of course, they're really good company for one another, in spite of the frequent bickering. The very early days were tough (but I'm not sure they're ever easy, unless you get one of those mythical babies that are never any bother), but past that it's been a great joy. And especially since you do definitely want another at some time. Clearly it's your choice, but it worked for us (and finances were equally shaky, ex-h had to work two jobs).

We had four within two years. Our finances were minimal and I worked every hour there was in order to build a positive reputation at work, going back two weeks after giving birth.

Oh gosh, it was intense - magical and dreadful all in one. But was it worth it, and would I do it again? In a heartbeat. They are the very best of friends, and now that they are that bit older (the boys are 5, the girls are almost 4 and they have an 18 month old sister) we are so much more stable financially anyway. We enjoy them so much.

YANBU to make the right decision for you as it is your body.

You have options and time to find the right one for you.

One way to look at it is to imagine that for whatever reason this is the only chance you've got. (I know that may seem harsh but you have no guarantee you will conceive again at exactly the time you want) what would your choice be then?

I know some will flame me but the reality is there is no perfect time and whenever you do have a baby again you will have to go through the tough phases and the nappies and the sleepless nights and the sore nipples and the financial hardship. Waiting a year or two won't prevent that it will just prolong the time that you are the mother of a baby.

I have three with bigger gaps. My youngest is 2.5 now and just potty trained but I have been getting up in the night, getting kids dressed every morning, picking food up off the floor, wiping up poo and sick etc for 9 years. I love having little ones but if you don't then maybe this is a good thing as it minimises the time spend doing that.

We had a similar "accident" when DC was 18 months (condom broke, and map failed)... I didn't want the baby for similar reasons you've described, but my dh did, so I went with it (spent the whole pregnant terrified!) She's now 3 and the light of our lives. I never wanted kids close together in age, said we'd wait for DC1 to start school before thinking of a second, but it's truly been a blessing for us. The small age gap, although financially, physically, and mental draining in the beginning, makes life easier long term. Holidays (obviously not at the second!) are so much fun now as they will entertain eachother, days out, easy to please them both, instant playmate, and yes they obviously fight occasionally, but I think siblings of any age gap do that. The first 6 months/year will be hard, so if you prepare yourself to just get through that, you'll soon be reaping the rewards of a small gap! Obviously, if you decide that it's really not for you, that is a completely valid choice and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your life, and you need to do what's right for you and your family. Good luck Op x

Okay so I’m due in August, at which point I’ll have a 22mo, 10mo and a newborn.. I LOVE it, it’s perfect for me (albeit damn stressful some days, and the pandemic doesn’t exactly make it any easier) but I wouldn’t change it for the world. But I also wouldn’t judge anyone for not wanting it! Only you know what you want and can handle and if you truly don’t want this baby that is a decision that is perfectly okay for you to make. It’s your body and your life. If you do go ahead with the pregnancy I’ll be honest, half the time you don’t have enough hands, they will almost definitely drive you bonkers on a daily basis, but it is amazing.

Remember a pregnancy is generally a long time though, well it’s 9 months of course but I mean in 8 more months you’ll have been back working nearly a year, you might be feeling broody and wonder if you should have continued and got the baby years done together. I have quite big gaps, 11yrs between 1 and 2, then 3.5 between 2-3, and wish I’d have had smaller between 2&3 as it was hard going back for a 3rd time. Entirely your decision. Best of luck with your decision

I was pregnant when DS1 was a year old, I would recommend it, my DS’s are 18 & 17 now and so close. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

My Dd was 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely gutted. Felt adamant I was going to have an abortion, I'd only just got used to being a mum and was so overwhelmed there's no way I'd cope with two. However after much soul searching we decided to continue the pregnancy. They are now 15 & 16. Not going to lie the first few years were tough, now though they are amazing. I'd not change it for all of the world!