Frustrating (and trivial) conversation with DM. Just a tiny vent.

[LockdownLemon]

I live 5 minutes drive from my mum (80s), my brother is 15 minutes away. He is the golden child, I am the scapegoat. DB has done nothing that I am aware of to support DM during lockdown.
I do my mum's shopping, but this week someone my DH works with had Coronavirus symptoms, so we went into full isolation. I phoned my mum to say I couldn't go shopping because I could not go out until the test results came back.
The conversation went like this:
Me: "Sorry but we have to isolate, so I can't do your shop this weekend.'
DM: "I guess I could go to the shops myself."
Me: "Why don't you ask to do it? I'm sure he would.'
DM: "No.

Me: "Why not?"
DM: I don't mind asking you because you're going to the shop anyway so you can just add my things on."

ME: " I am sure has to buy food for his family. He can just add it onto his shop."
DM: "I don't want to trouble him."
ME: "But it's safer than you going to the shops."
DM: "I'll wait until you are better. I have enough in to last. Let me know when you can go."

For what it's worth, DB and I are in the same situation; working FT from home, older DC that do not require care, both have cars. But apparently only one of us is able to walk into a shop and buy DM's stuff. Because the other one mustn't be 'troubled' with women's work.
She'd rather put herself at risk than ask her son to do her shopping.

YANBU. This is so common but she’s wrong to not actually ask your DB. Can you message him and ask him to do the shopping? She may be very annoying but she really shouldn’t be going shopping if she can avoid it.

You could also use the approach that it might be very hurtful to your DB to not give him the chance to help his mother.

My DM lives nearest my DB who is quite busy but very willing to help out IF ASKED but doesn’t use his initiative to ask her. Then she sighs that she need ps x,y or z doing. It’s quite exasperating.

Could you tell her your brother identifies as a woman on shopping days?

All you had to say was that you cant do it.

Presumably your DM can decide for herself what she does?
You sound like you are interfering and being rather controlling.

"honestly Mum is terrible - she seems to think you're incapable of shopping or something.!! What's she like? Anyway, you'd better give her a ring and get a list off her before she goes out and gets herself infected..."

Just tell her you're done doing her shopping every week? And give your brother her shopping list?

PP is right, this isn't your problem to solve. You say you can't go, what happens after that I wouldn't worry about. If you mum chooses to wait until you can go out again to do her shopping and you're happy to do it for her again, great. If you don't want to continue, then don't 🤷🏼‍♀️ She'll either ask your brother or go herself, she's an adult and presumably capable of weighing up the risks herself

Your options are either:
a) emotionally guilt-trip her about how unhappy your brother would be if he knew she was making do instead of asking him, with maybe a side of 'what if you caught coronavirus? How would brother feel then?'

Or,
b) Go straight to your brother and tell her she's too worrying about putting him to any trouble to ask him.directly and tell him to ring her.

The drawback of this is he'll probably go from 'golden' child to sodding 'platinum' in her eyes, but I don't see any other options.

Text brother a list of things you normally get for your mum
Word it like you expect him to go

YANBU, unfortunately this goes on quite a lot.

I'd message/phone your brother and tell him that you've been doing all of DM's shopping and it's time he did some.

Oh god this is infuriating. I am doing shopping for a relative who can't at the moment and splitting the trips with my male cousin. On my days (which always vary, so this can't be passed off as me doing the weekly shop and him doing additional bits and bobs) relative has a full list, and on his days it's things like 'orange juice, milk, bread' which obviously takes way less time and effort.

My cousin keeps texting me asking what relative is actually eating. I can only imagine she's doing it for the same reasons, of not wanting to 'bother' him because it's women's work.

I'd sweat this one out.

I wouldn't do her shopping again.

'Sorry still isolating'

'Sorry have a cough'

'Sorry, have suddenly and unavoidably identified as a male chauvinist piglet'

Oh and yes I would call him.

Tell him that you won't be able to shop for quite a while and anyway, it's his turn now.

Make sure you don't make yourself too available for care as time goes on. Golden Child can pay back all that fawning.

What would your brother say if you asked him to do it? The lack of logic and unfairness in what shes saying would drive me bonkers!

How do you get on with your brother? I'd tell him that you're isolating and he has to do your Mum's shopping for the next month - don't leave it to your mum to ask him.

My DM is like this, she says 'I don't like to trouble him because he'll get fed up and men aren't used to shopping like women'. When I point out he was a SAHD for three years and perfectly used to doing a big suoermarket shop , she says it's ok she can wait.
I'm also finding out being male excuses him from a lot of things now, as she's told me 'Daughters look after you when you are older'.
There is absolutely no expectation on him whatsoever.

Daughters look after you when you are older
Well, that’s me fucked with only boys.

That's what I said,I've got three

The issue is that my brother would be the first to agree that he really is more important and busy than the rest of us.
We got the all clear from the tests so I have done her shopping this week as usual. I told her how wrong it is that she would rather do without basic food than ask him for help. She pointed out again that she does not want to trouble him with her shopping. I'm never going to convince her that a man is as caable of doing the food shopping as a woman.

Well (gently) of course you're not going to persuade her that he can do just as good a job if a) you keep doing it and b) you keep doing it perfectly.

Obviously you may want to see her regularly, but would it be impossible to set up a regular online delivery for her?

I doubt she thinks your brother is incapable. Just too important to enter a supermarket.

I’d text brother and say we are self isolating so I can’t get mums shopping in Saturday as I have for last 12 weeks. Then leave them to it.

Was your Dad any good at doing things like shopping or cleaning ? My DDad wasn't, they definitely had their set roles. I think she imagines all men are the same. I've told her it's an old fashioned attitude but she doesn't agree with me.

My dad did not do anything round the house. He did DIY stuff, but expected his tea on the table when he got home and did nothing with us kids. So very traditional roles.

Can you not ask her why she thinks it's more troubling to ask him than you because he is a man?

If you don't say something now you'll end up doing 95% of everything as she gets older and more frail and she absolutely won't appreciate it because your vagina makes it your job.

When you started doing the shopping originally did you offer or did she ask you? If you offered then she hasn't 'troubled' to ask you, you offered whereas DB hasn't. I would talk to DB soon before you have to take on more tasks and say you need help with thing for your mum and a bit of help wouldn't go amiss. As down the line you could easily become full time cared while he is 'too busy'