I have so much respect now for SAHMs.

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I am not a good enough mother to be a SAHM.

I have so much new-found respect for those who do stay home full time to raise children. I don't know how you cope. I'm on mat leave with a toddler and a 4 month old. The toddler would usually be at nursery but with Covid he's obviously now at home. I'm on solo childcare duty all day Mon-Fri as although DH is wfh, I wouldn't be working anyway so it makes sense for me to watch the children while he gets on with his job.

I'm on my knees. I start the day tired and frustrated, and end it angry, tired and frustrated. I don't recognise who I am anymore, I miss my job so much and I've turned into a monster around my toddler (who admittedly is being a complete pain in the arse, but he's as bored and frustrated as I am). It's breaking my heart and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

How do permanent SAHMs do it? How do you stay sane? How do you get to the end of every day without losing it completely? I think you must all have the patience of saints. This is so much harder than being a working mother. I'm longing to go back.

I’m the opposite. I feel like I’m on holiday.

I loved being a SAHM until my DT were 3yo, but yes it is hard work!
It is much harder now in lockdown, WFH and home schooling and looking after them at the same time. If I was not working it would be fine.

I've found it so difficult, I work but only 3 short days & workload has reduced. It's sounds selfish but Im used to time away from my dc both when working & not working. I'm also not used to cleaning so much (had a cleaner before) & grandparents are pretty hands on (now shielded). I have most holidays off but this Summer will happily go into the office to catch up on paperwork.

The experience we're all having now does not compare to a non-lockdown SAHM scenario.

I guess it depends on the job. For my husband and I my mat leave / covid wfh with a teething breastfed 6mo and a 7 yo with additional needs feels like bliss. Going back to work and juggling everything again will bring back the stress but it needs to be done.

I don't want to sound like I'm throwing a bit of oneupmanship in here, but the hardest years of my life were when I was home all day with two preschoolers, then went out to work in the evenings. In an emergency control room, so it wasn't like I was sitting on my arse drinking tea all night. That was exhausting.

So you had no respect for SAHM before you stopped working?

Wow. Just shows that parenthood is looked down on in favour of paid work.

My experience as a SAHM was not really different to this. No friends or family to see, very few places to go locally except parks. Very few playgroups apart from Sure Starts which shut down. Youngest has sensory issues and couldn't cope with the few groups I managed to find. It was and is bloody hard.

I’ve done every variation of full time work, with 2 hr commute, part time (variety of days) and SAHM.

I found working full time the easiest personally and SAHM the hardest. SAHM of children your age is very physically demanding and relentless. If your spouse is out 14 hours a day you have limited freedom eg can’t go out to meet friends etc so it can be isolating.
But some people don’t have this experience and maybe their spouse is around a lot and they get some respite so people’s answers will differ.
I’m currently furloughed with 3 small children and it’s unbelievably exhausting. Work will add the juggle factor but I just can’t wait to go back.

I'm a stay-at-home mum. I worked for 10 years before I had my kids. in all honesty I was ready for a few years at home because I had worked with really b*** women who made my life a misery. I enjoyed the first two years massively with my little girl. Since my son has been born 2-years ago things have been a lot more full on. I get a lot more mum guilt now. especially now my oldest is not at school. Trying to divide myself all ways is just draining.the pandemic has honestly made everything so much more worse. Not being able to give your children the the activities they are used to such asa swimming. Not being able to go down to our local park and let them run free for a couple of hours. not being able to take them to the local national trust park so they can play with other kids. just simple things like not being able to pop to a garden centre and let them look at the fish. These were all the things that we used to do as a family and that's why I enjoyed being at home. Now it's just stressful. I also wish I had a job and could escape from this constant routine. it's just cleaning and cooking and trying to get both kids to do different activities. It's feeling guilty on those days when you just can't be bothered to go for a walk but you know them staying indoors all day we'll make them grumpy. before I had the oldest at home my son would sleep for 2-hours in his pushchair.now he's just awake until he crashes and it's just so hard to do a simple thing like clean the bathroom. It makes so much mess whilst I get on and if I sit down with a coffee they just undo everything I've done.

My reasons for staying home are it's what's best for us. I've been judged on here for not having a job. I've been told that I regret it one day. the thing is nursery fees are too expensive for us. We don't have the village of grandparents and Andy's and friends to look after our kids for us. I've got nobody to rely on apart from my partner who needs to work. So I can't exactly go out and get a job because I've got two to pay a fortune now in childcare for 2 children and after-school clubs etc if there was an emergency I've got nobody To take over. If my kids have off school for 7-days over winter with a cold or two to then another 3 days with a stomach bug I'd have so much time off work I just been no good to anybody.

yes we get to enjoy the trips to the park and lazy days at home when there's no school runs. But there's a lot of perks to having a break and we don't get those ever personally.

I loved being a SAHM for 11 years, when youngest started school. We into a routine which helped. I did what needed doing in the morning, the afternoons were fun time, there is so much fun to go puddle jumping in the rain, suitably clothed, painting the patio with paintbrush and water. Simple pleasures where have they gone?

One had worked out that they had never had their dc (3 and 7) on their own (no grandparents or childcare)for longer than 5 days!

Is that outrageous though? Since having dc2 I've never had both of them together for probably more than 3 days in a row. Even during the summer holidays the gps or aunties will want 1 or 2 & DC1 (6) still wants to do activity clubs etc with their friends.

Hmm it's interesting to hear you say you don't feel a good enough mother to be a SAHM. I admit I don't have the patience to stay home and I've always been in awe of those who manage it, but I've never felt a lesser mother for that, I just think I'm a different type of mum.

I could be a SAHM if there were lots of nice places to go like farms, swimming, playgrounds etc. I generally love the time I get with my kids in the school holidays.

This is not the same.

I miss my job - I was a childminder but I haven't reopened as I don't feel I can keep the education of my 9 year old and 12 year old even limping along whilst also caring for younger children.

I miss just being a mum rather than a nagging crap teacher mum.

I miss having any time to myself.

I miss my old life.

I've been a working parent and a stay at home one and I can tell you with 100% certainty that being a STAHM is much much much easier than being a working mum - with or without a pandemic

I have been a SAHM and a working parent and I can 100% tell you that being a working parent is easier. Lol.

Basically, we're all different.

I feel your pain, OP. Im furloughed and been looking after DS continuosly since the nursery closed. I'd much rather be working.

This will be flamed... Pretty much every day of lockdown I've been thinking how much easier life would be if I were a SAHM rather than trying to WFH full-time with a toddler. I've been taking quite a bit of annual leave to keep my head above water and days just with him and not thinking about work are so unbelievably easy in comparison. I always totally bought the 'being a SAHM is harder than being a working mother' thing before but now although I don't want to give up my job entirely I do think about how easy life would be if I did - to the extent that I'm applying to drop a day at week at work.

It's a while since mine were small, but I used to plan to go out, once, every day. Somewhere different each day of the week: friends, family, swimming, the park, play area, etc. The rest of the day was broken up too into small manageable chunks.
All of this has been taken away from you; you shouldn't beat yourself up.
Just remember that your Dc won't remember any of this time, so try to be kind to yourself

Where I live, being a SAHM now is pretty similar to non-lockdown times, we don't have farms, soft play, family etc so not much has changed for me.
Before kids I worked full time in stressful roles.
Now I look back I realise they were nothing compared to keeping the kids alive and entertained!

I have worked full time with kids, part time and been a stay at home mum for a few years. I have 4 children. I remember having a toddler and baby being lovely as it was only 2 children! (rose tinted glasses) My husband has always had a full on job (14 hours), luckily only Monday to Friday though (not all weekend, like some of my friends). Essentially I have concluded that as human beings we all need time to connect with ourselves and do things for ourselves that make us not lose ourselves. I have watched privileged SAHMs rushing from one after school activity to another, stressing about homework, being on the PTA, career mums trying to be as good as SAHM at the whole extending your kids after school stuff/music grades etc./county level sports. All I can say is that as mothers we need to be kind to ourselves, not forget our own needs, make time to do something for ourselves to feel calm be that just 15 minutes Yoga a day, a bath etc, beauty treatment, read a good book. It is absolutely crucial! Many men I know will do that naturally but often mothers will run themselves ragged putting their children first at all cost and that can really backfire. I found the same applies at work. Lay down your boundaries and be realistic about what you can and can't achieve and prioritise accordingly and drop any guilt.

We'd have days on end out of the house, down the beach, going to parks, walks, going for bike rides.

I did all childcare while dh worked the corporate ladder.

Covid back then would have been tough with two kids who liked being outdoors. Parks here have only last week opened up. Travelling over 5 miles is frowned on.

OP re tips for toddler, do you like routine? I always found that as long as I had a routine for the toddler the baby would sort of watch/slot in somehow and once you have some sort of routine, getting through the day is just easier. It really helps to have food premade/easy food to grab. All the nurseries have a very set routine. Eg. breakfast, painting time, walk, snack, story time, watch and sing a song on you tube, use some homemade playdoh/slime etc( (once you have done it once, it is really easy), lunch, nap, second exercise of the day time (E.g silly dancing), sticker time, more story, tea/supper time, play in bath, etc. BED. You time!

I think we all work just as hard TBH and it's all relative anyway. Some days I find it difficult being at home on my days off if the baby is teething/being particularly difficult. Some days it's harder juggling work and home life, being a nurse means long hours with peoples needs coming before my own so not much difference

I’ve done both, with young children. Neither is easier, neither makes you a better parent, just different skills required for both scenarios, so if you’re lucky you can choose the scenario that best fits yours.

I've done both and 100% found being a SAHM harder than being a FT working Mum

It's a relentless and boring experience for me and even doing it 4 days a week during lockdown (I've been working my hours condensed into 3 days) has been a reminder that I'm not cut out for it

I love my son very much but I'm a better Mum when I'm not with him 24/7