I have so much respect now for SAHMs.

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I am not a good enough mother to be a SAHM.

I have so much new-found respect for those who do stay home full time to raise children. I don't know how you cope. I'm on mat leave with a toddler and a 4 month old. The toddler would usually be at nursery but with Covid he's obviously now at home. I'm on solo childcare duty all day Mon-Fri as although DH is wfh, I wouldn't be working anyway so it makes sense for me to watch the children while he gets on with his job.

I'm on my knees. I start the day tired and frustrated, and end it angry, tired and frustrated. I don't recognise who I am anymore, I miss my job so much and I've turned into a monster around my toddler (who admittedly is being a complete pain in the arse, but he's as bored and frustrated as I am). It's breaking my heart and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

How do permanent SAHMs do it? How do you stay sane? How do you get to the end of every day without losing it completely? I think you must all have the patience of saints. This is so much harder than being a working mother. I'm longing to go back.

[vickibee]

it must be even harder if you have a disabled child that can't attend school for whatever reason. These parents have to face such challenges all the time including homeschooling.

[TooTiredTodayOk]

We're not living under normal circumstances right now, I don't know anyone who isn't struggling in one way or another.

I've been a SAHM, worked full time, part time, job share. I absolutely loved being a SAHM, DH and I both found life so much easier.

[ThePlantsitter]

I was a SAHM when my kids were your kids age and yes it was really hard. But when they were both crying and everything was awful the thing that made it better was changing things straight away - so going out if we were in, changing scene if we were out, going home, visiting someone, etc. So without that ability you should be being very, very nice to yourself about how well you're doing assuming everyone is still alive at the end of the day.

[formerbabe]

Even in normal times, sahm is relentless...yeah you can change the view but it's the same shit, slightly different location

[LetTheRiverAnswer]

It's not better or worse at being a parent though, just different. I haven't found being a sahm easy as such (3 children, 2 with SEN), but mostly positive. I have never ever felt capable at work. I've had various jobs, which should all have been well within my abilities, but I've always felt inadequate and overwhelmed- the same way others describe feeling being at home. If I could choose, I think I'd rather be like the people that can manage work!

[herewegoloobyloo]

I agree OP. I am on mat leave with a 7 month old and 4 year old. I'm really lucky in that DH is WFH so I have company at night but I've found the days very lonely at times. I'm full of repsect for all mums during this, regardless of circumstances - it's not easy.

[InDubiousBattle]

I've been a SAHM for over 6 years and these are not normal times. When my two were little we went to loads of toddler groups, libraries, parks etc so had lots to do, also pubs, restaurants and cinemas were open! I've loved being a SAHM but I had a pretty great social life too, so it wasn't just home and kids. Several of my friends have said more or less your op to me over the last few weeks though. One had worked out that they had never had their dc (3 and 7) on their own (no grandparents or childcare)for longer than 5 days!

[yoikes]

It's interesting isn't it?
Wohps often say "sahp isnt a job!" But...
They employ others to look after their kids whilst they are at work?
So...surely it IS a job?
Kids are, variously, looked after by nannies, au pairs, nursery workers, pre school workers, teachers....
Who are all paid.
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that, unless a role is paid, sadly, it is not deemed of worth.
"Economically inactive" as our Govt calls us...lumping together all sahps inc those who are SP and carers of disabled children.
Shrug.
Can't get too worked up about it anymore.
I know my worth.
It is not related to my ability to bear and look after children.

[LolaLollypop]

I am not a good enough mother to be a SAHM

I'm also struggling though lockdown with a toddler and a 4 month old. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done and it very neatly broke me at the beginning!! Please don't think this makes you a bad mother. I certainly don't. Everyone is doing their best for their kids in this situation. Some days I surprise myself and both kids are fully stimulated, educated and exercised.. others I just have no motivation and we watch tv for most of the day!! Don't beat yourself up - if your kids are fed and in bed at the end of the day, you're doing a great job.

Like many other PP have said, SAHM usually have a wealth of activities and support to help them. There's a saying "it takes a village to raise a child" (or something like that) and it's true. Nobody (rarely) raises kids without any help.

Although I will say on one thing... I'm definitely going back to work once my maternity leave ends .

[Healthyandhappy]

Most ppl dont have kids so close together ! Mine are 5 and 10 4 year and 10 months in mine. So when my youngest was a baby oldest was nearly 5 so we had chats and play etc. Howecer now they play and fight lol. I am wfh husband works just sent kids bk to school full time but we managed for 10 week

[yoikes]

I feel for mums with really young kids atm. I can't imagine having a baby during this time.

Mine are older now, which brings its own issues of course.

[WorraLiberty]

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that, unless a role is paid, sadly, it is not deemed of worth.

But why 'sadly'?

It only has 'worth' to the parents and DC and that's it. You can't expect anyone outside of that to feel the 'worth' because they don't benefit from it.

I say that as someone who was a SAHM for 15 years.

[formerbabe]

One had worked out that they had never had their dc (3 and 7) on their own (no grandparents or childcare)for longer than 5 days!

I know lots of wohm (whose kids go to gps all weekend) say they love to be sahms and spend more time with their kids...yeah? Just try it!

[lazylinguist]

I’m a working mum. For me the idea that work is easier than looking after small children is baffling.

Well that's the thing, isn't it- it depends on the individual situation of the SAHM or the WOHM. I've been both. I found being a SAHM to my two small, fairly easy dc an absolute piece of cake compared with going to work and wrangling 30 other people's (sometimes very difficult) children at a time (and then coming home to look after my own while planning lessons and marking).

[formerbabe]

I found being a SAHM to my two small, fairly easy dc an absolute piece of cake compared with going to work and wrangling 30 other people's (sometimes very difficult) children at a time (and then coming home to look after my own while planning lessons and marking)

Depends on the job. I was working in an office and the most taxing thing I did was walking to pret a manger in my lunch hour! It was far easier than being a sahm

[Luckystar1]

I’m a SAHM, my children are 5, 3.5 and I’m pregnant with #3. I’ve found being a SAHM really hard if I’m honest. We have no help from family, and don’t see them very much in normal times, so lockdown has only been different for us insofar as there are no groups (which are fine, but not exactly a barrel of laughs for an adult!).

I think what people are possibly starting to realise about being a SAHM is how bloody hard it is to 1) be around children CONSTANTLY 2) keep the house tidy with children in it (I often see people saying they SAHMs homes should be immaculate because ‘what are they doing all day’?) and 3) how lonely it can be having no adult company for long, long periods of time.

I hope that this time has maybe made people a little bit more aware.

[Snowdown24]

Ahhh I remember when I first stopped working and the appreciation for SAHP set in......now I work from home too as well and look back at sahp and think they have it easy because they can just parent 😂 swings and roundabouts really. I’ve done all of them and I rank them most hardest is

-Working stay at home parent
-stay at home parent
-working full time (still hard and time consuming, but the least hardest )

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

I've actually found lockdown easier than last year, last year I had a 6 month old and a 3 year old and with no lockdown it was horrific. Now everything is going much easier. So to answer how do SAHM's get through- well the baby doesn't stay a baby for ever. And like most roles you find your rhythm and what works and what you should never ever ever attempt.

[recycledbottle]

You can't use this experience to compare. There are loads of factors which decipher which is easier. Type of work, number of children,age of children and nothing is normal at the moment. I have been both stahm and working mom and stay at home was much easier but I only have one.

[Purpletigers]

I’ve done both . Staying at home was easier but less fulfilling for me .

[DontStandSoCloseToMe]

Firstly it's a choice (DC with significant needs excepted), even if financially it makes more sense not to work you don't have to be a sahp or have enough children that working becomes financially impossible. Secondly there are usually groups, day trips, friends to see, grandparents to visit etc also by 3/4 most children are in at least part time pre-school, so it's finite. I'm not saying it doesn't have its challenges but so does being a working parent, juggling hours with your partner so someone is around for the DC while the other is working often meaning anti social or night shifts, still trying to get the housework and laundry done and cooking dinner after both working fifty hours weeks, rarely having time to relax as a whole family etc

[raspberryk]

@Healthyandhappy surely a baby and a toddler is a fairly regular age age for a lot of people. Almost 5 year age gap between kids is quite large and longer than average I would have thought.
Op doesn't say how old the toddler is who could be a range from about 18 months to 3.
Also not particularly relevant to the thread, although well done for being so perfect with being able to space your children so ideally.

[Rosebel]

I loved being a SAHM. I find it easier than trying to juggle work and childcare. It's not necessarily easy though, I was always tired and got no sympathy because I was just at home all day.
I think it's tough whatever you do tbh. These times just make it harder.

[dreamingofsun]

I've been on 3 lots of maternity leave and that was so much easier than trying to work and juggle 3 kids. sorry to be bearer of bad news but this is going to be dossy compared to when you go back to work

[Norabird]

I did enjoy my time as a SAHM but it was relentless. Baby groups, dog walks and playgrounds made life more bearable but the hard bit was the fact that every waking hour, of every day, of every week, of every month, for years I was on duty. No helpful family around to give us a break. DH working/commuting silly hours. That's not to say I was flat out working all that time but there wasn't any breathing space. I did, in the end, think that perhaps it would have been better to work 2 days a week to help keep me sane. Now I work I think that the change of focus for part of the day is really good for me, even if it does make life really busy.

YANBU to find it hard going. If you can find a way to get a break then do.