To expect grandparents to spoil their grandchildren a little bit...

[tori32]

OK here goes. Parents come down to visit having not seen dd for 3 mths as they live up north and we live on the south coast. They set off so late on the Friday that they don't arrive until 10pm (missing seeing dd) whenmy father does not need to work so could have had the morning off (hence late departure). We go out on the saturday to a local farm where they don't need to pay for myself and dd because we have a season ticket. I pay for lunch. I also buy flowers for mum and half bottle gin for dad to say thanks because they were babysitting that night for our summer do. The following day having been to bed at 0430 from said ball they send dd into bedroom at 1030am to say we had to get up and they were going, left at 11am. Over the whole weekend they had not treated her to so much as a packet of smarties. AIBU to be hacked off with them?

Thanks, angua, sorry to hear that you have disinterested parents as well. I think what you said is very true, I am disappointed, frustrated and hurt. It is more acute now that my brother is about to have his first child, because he lives so close I think my dd will be pushed out. Only time will tell.

tori, I have the same issues with my in laws. I really feel for DH as my parents are fabulous grandparents and I dont mean this in terms of generosity with gifts (although they are) but with their time and the love that they give my DDs. We do all the running with in laws who live a distance away and go and stay several times a year. Would it be too much to expect them to have even once bought a child's plate or cup which could stay at their house so we dont have to pack everything every time we visit? It doesnt cost anything to ask on the phone how swimming/school/hobbies are going. Its not about the money is it, its about thought and we are out of sight out of mind. Ultimately though my girls know they are loved and they are not the ones missing out.

But to some grandparents that about sums it up Wolveschick "out of sight, out of mind".

My parents refuse to buy presents for birthdays or christmas because we live/d abroad. Only the 2 years we actually lived in the same country did we receive presents.

If they can't hand the present over personally then you don't get one.

The trouble is that my dd has no grandparents who appear to give a feck about her. That was the same sort of issue I had as well, having to pack everything and them not offering to buy knife, fork, spoon, plate or anything. When she was little we had to take the changing mat everywhere, again, no offer to get one to leave at the house, could be used by other GC as well. My question was AIBU to be pissed off?

They also expected us to go up to theirs for xmas when dd was due on 5th Jan!!

yabu and ungrateful am very at your attitude

I think the mistake most parents make is that they have this rosy dream of how they are going to do everything different from what their parents did.
How their child is going to be loved and spoiled (the way you want them to be) by everybody they meet.
They should warn you the minute you get pregnant, don't expect anything from anyone, don't expect being a parent to be easy, don't expect it to be cheap, and whatever you do do not expect any help from any family members.

I agree with maisem. All grandparents I've ever met say 'it's great being a gp because you can hand them back.' Many feel they've done their bit raising their own children and don't see why they should do much for grandkids. Some gps may lack confidence as parenting advice has changed so much in a generation.Others will lavish toys on/play with them but never cook a meal or change a nappy. Doesn't make them bad people.

Sad for you to be disappointed, but I think accepting them for what they are is the only way to deal with this without letting yourself open to years of pain.

Not all grandparents are like that, I know I am one of a few of us on MN, who are bringing up our grandchildren.

Of course, shosh, I never meant to suggest all or even very many gp's fit my negative picture. I see plenty of them at the school gates doing devoted work and it's well known the UK economy wouldn't function without their unpaid caring services. I was only trying to imagine why some gps might not be as hands on as ones like you

I cant understand why either, my DGD is a joy. and Am so looking forward to others being born

Both my parents and my MIL are disinterested in their GC, MIL has never been to see them on her own ie without SIL to drive her there and back (she has just retired and it's only an hour on a train) when she is here she will sit on the sofa and watch the DDs play never really interacts with them, would ever think of changing a nappy etc and then is desperate to leave after a few hours, she sees them about once every 2-3 months. However, she is very generous at Christmas/birthdays I feel a bit at times taking her money but put it in the DDs bank accounts. I would rather she offered to babysit once every 6 months to let DP and I have a night out rather than send a cheque every Xmas/birthdays.

My Mum is a bit different she is totally disinterested in the GC she will visit maybe once every 2 months also, no offers of help ever, she will bring loads of sweets as she thinks I neglect the DDs by not giving them sweets every day and giving them healthy food.

I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable they have driven a long way and stayed over.

Having read the OP and a few of the first posts I am going to stick up for the OP.

Yes long drive, yes baby sat, yes day at the farm with mummy as well.....

However to a child (am guessing your DD is under 5 - sorry if you have said and I've missed)what does any of that mean.

Did they take your DD to a park by herself? Or buy even a 5pence lollipop? It is something directly between the GP and the child that the child will understand.

My MIL is much the same, occasionally her and FIL will arrive with a small gift. But it's unlikely, even when they've bought gifts for my DN's as they dont always treat our 2 and BIL's 2 the same.

They play with DD a bit after she has begged and begged to play football or watch her bounce or skip, but MIL normally comes in saying her back hurts and FIL is drawn to the telly for sport as soon as DD has a break for the loo etc. They are much more interested in DS as he is a baby and can be held in one place without effort - It makes me sad for DD as she loves it when they visit.

i dont feel that i want presents from people to show love being with them is enough if they dont see her often they probably jsut enjoyed spending time its not about what you buy them or give them as thats just material things

the things she will remember is that she had good time with them and thats the main thing to babysit is a great something or you would not have got to go out to 4.30 dont read into what they didn't do look at what they did do if they had long journey back probably was ideal to leave at that time to get home in time to settle back

be grateful you spent time together not on the what you done for them they didn't do for you

I think my main issue is that for every visit they do, we go up to theirs 3x that, our petrol etc, etc not to mention the fact that its like moving house for us! Especially when dd was little (12wks.)
When they came up it was the 2nd time this year, they might come for xmas. But last year, even though it was dd's first xmas they didn't offer to come to us, we had to go to them and again, pack everything including presents.

If you read my earlier posts I did say that they don't interact with her, play with her for more than 5 mins. (And no, before you say it, they are not yet 60 and are both fully fit, my dad still works as a builder.)

tori - I just don't go anywhere at Christmas even if we wre invited and I don't invite anyone up here not that they would come if we did, my Mum and Stepdad wouldn't come because there would be no one to let the dogs out and they couldn't drink and MIL wouldn't come as she goes out with her friends and wouldn't miss it so it's just me, DP and the DDs. I also hardly visit them now as it's really difficult for us with the two of them they get really fed up in the car then when they get to GPs houses everything is out of bounds so DP and I spend the entire time running about after them whilst the GPs sit there drinking tea and going "oh they are beautiful" I think some GPs just like to be GPs in name only, have the pictures up on the wall but don't want to make an effort. It's them thats missing out I have said to my Mum to come ou during the week and we will go out but she just can't be bothered, her loss not mine. If they won't make the effort then I'm not making it back.

Yes sweetkitty, your story is v familiar. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that they do not live up to my expectations and to not think about it. Anyway Shoshable is now serrogate ( is that how its spelt?) GM!!

Tori, Please can I be surrogate auntie? Pretty please! xxxx

London11 of course you can! the more the merrier!!! Talking of which my ex husbands family pay her more attention and are not even her real GP!

Ah! thats how you spell surrogate

YABU.They drove a long way to see you.spent the day out with you and your daughter,babysat for you and looked after your daughter until 10.30 on Sunday morning.

i am the same as shoshable and love my gc like i love my own children,i could not live without them,i find it hard to understand why grandparents dont wish to play a large part in their gc lives if they are given the opportunity.But we are not all the same and my gs other gp's not once ever wanted to babysit him.Its much the same for my gd's other gp's.Bu my dh and love them all dearly and see them often,we are lucky in that my son and daughter have always let us be so involved in everything [ even the births]sports days,plays at school,etc.And believe it or not i wasnt one of the people who dreamed about having gc !!Now i have three.

Mumeee, they did drive down to see us, however, as I have said it will be the second time this year. Compared to our 6 times to them this year. Also I paid for lunch, as well as the fact I had bought flowers for my DM and gin for DF to say thank you for babysitting. To my mind they could have made an effort with dd while we were out, but made no attemp to help her into sit on rides and push her round, put her on swings, help her up onto slides etc they just watched me doing all the running around and hardly interacted with her. Having paid for nothing the whole weekend I am sure it would not have hurt for them to give her a pound for her money box or a packet of sweets as they see her so little. Oh and on the night we went out ( to the annual summer do) they then decide to take dd to the park at 5pm when her dinner time is 5.30pm latest, then bath and bed at 7pm. I wanted her in bed before we went out because dd doesn't know them well, so I wanted to make sure she was settled, but due to this she was still up and DH and I spent half the night worrying if she had gone to bed ok. Also, while I am on a rant, they arrived back from the park and when I asked why they hadn't put dinner on, mum replys, we don't want to eat yet, so dd was going to be sat at the table on her own because they couldn't be arsed with helping her whilst eating themselves.

im afraid they will be the ones missing out when your dd is older.I am lucky i suppose,i am very close to all three and now they are older it is us they turn to.They dont really know the other gp's at all and they dont know the gc likes,dislikes.moods.friends etc.we even have our gc's friends over for "grandads chinese " on fridays and apparently their friends think we are cool !!!! what more could we ask.

This might sound a bit harsh but I think that your expectations are unreasonable. You seem very prescriptive about how the GPs should express their love on terms that make sense to you eg chocolate buttons £1 coins and playing - they don't see things in the same way and they are certainly not on their own.

I think you are doomed to unhappiness with the situation unless you change your expectations and accept that people show their love in their own ways and on their own terms.

I can understand that you might feel disappointed with things not turning out as you would have hoped but I think it is you who needs to change for your own happiness as they are highly unlikely to. Don't take them out for meals if you will feel resentful afterwards as this isn't really doing any of you a favour.