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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect grandparents to spoil their grandchildren a little bit...

76 replies

tori32 · 23/09/2007 19:44

OK here goes. Parents come down to visit having not seen dd for 3 mths as they live up north and we live on the south coast. They set off so late on the Friday that they don't arrive until 10pm (missing seeing dd) whenmy father does not need to work so could have had the morning off (hence late departure). We go out on the saturday to a local farm where they don't need to pay for myself and dd because we have a season ticket. I pay for lunch. I also buy flowers for mum and half bottle gin for dad to say thanks because they were babysitting that night for our summer do. The following day having been to bed at 0430 from said ball they send dd into bedroom at 1030am to say we had to get up and they were going, left at 11am. Over the whole weekend they had not treated her to so much as a packet of smarties. AIBU to be hacked off with them?

OP posts:
Twiglett · 23/09/2007 20:48

I think there are many GPs who like to be GPs because of the boasting value but not because of the input

I've got some of those too .. I drive 220 miles to see my parents once or twice a year .. Mum hangs around for 10 mins then goes out .. shopping .. its irritating but one gets used to it

Greensleeves · 23/09/2007 20:49
bozza · 23/09/2007 20:50

Greeny's insights very good I feel. I feel, to a lesser extent, this way about both my parents and my ILs despite having the oldest grandson and only granddaughter. And how childish does that sound written down? But that is the way relationships with parents tend to send you. I think in a lot of cases it can be out of sight, out of mind. But I think it can be better to harden yourself to it, because otherwise the only person you are hurting is yourself, oh and possibly your earbent DH.

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 20:50

To come down for a long weekend and make the effort to play with dd. To give the occasional £1 for her money box or small toy. I feel that if we lived around the corner they would see her more and probably buy the occasional packet of Buttons for her etc, so I feel she is missing out. So because she doesn't see her I feel she should make the extra effort when she does.

OP posts:
bozza · 23/09/2007 20:51

Greeny's emotional insights - not her mini-beasts.

FrannyandZooey · 23/09/2007 20:52

happy ruddy cockroach

is it a cockroach on mushrooms or something?

fireflyfairy2 · 23/09/2007 20:54

PIL were once the boastful type. Even the lying type. ie: they told people they babysat for us & that they spent all weekend babysitting our dd, when they didn't!

But I will fully admit to it being my fault. I had to get over myself & realise that I was being selfish not letting her be part of their world..

Now they don't have to lie about babysitting, because they do! A lot!!

Have you ever sat down & had a long chat with your parents? I ask this, as it took a row to clear the air between PIL & us. They spent lots of money on dd but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted them to call & see how she was. Play with her in my house. Not take her to another room & ignore me & dh.

I think if you tried to talk to your parents you could understand what is going on. Perhaps it is because they don't see her often they find it hard to be attached to her? Do they be around babies a lot? I know that dh's gran hadn't been around children for 30 years until we had dd! And therefore found it very hard to know how to react!

Also, with the smartie thing, do you think they may think you don't allow her to have any sweets?

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 20:55

Just feel very frustrated because I know that I will make the effort when my time comes to be grandma.

OP posts:
lulumama · 23/09/2007 20:55

they probably feel they are doing their bit

you cannot force people to be more involved

who knows, when she is older, they might relish taking her out for the day, or for the weekend..

babies and toddlers are Hard Work

lomondgal · 23/09/2007 20:57

Talk to them Tori, tell them you think it's importand for dd to see them more, see what they say and if they don't make more of an effort just get on with your life.

fireflyfairy2 · 23/09/2007 21:00

You keep mentioning money for her moneybox, a toy, or sweeties...

why is this so important to you?

See, I got pissed off every time my PIL landed with huge bags of toys for the children. I always had to find somewhere to store them!

And the sweeties... I allowe them to give them at their own house but not to bring them here. [it works fine as they visit us about half as much as we visit them!]

And FIL always gives them £1 or something if they are up at the farm & he is sorting sheep etc...

In the grand scheme of things you have to ask yourself why money, toys & sweets are important to you. I guess they're not really, but as you keep mentioning it I thought I would ask.

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:00

FFF2 we had a row about 6 years ago about the inequalities between me and my DB treatment. It has continued, although less obvious now he has moved out and got married. I know my mum is not maternal and has said that she wouldn't have had children if my DF hadn't wanted them. So maybe that is the problem. However, she was excited to be a grandma and has had contact with endless half cousins when they were babies, so she isn't clueless.

OP posts:
Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:04

FFF2 the treats thing is just something I wrongly presumed most GP did based on my experience of my GP. Although because we lived closer my GM took us swimming etc instead, or to the park. Since DM can't do this or chooses not to when she actually visits I just thing it would do no harm to leave a little treat for her.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/09/2007 21:05

You say your mum isn't maternal. Does that mean you've always felt a bit less loved than you needed? Did you have the sort of childhood where love was expressed through things/money/food rather than just plain affection?

I do think the issue is really your feelings of rejection and of being treated (and therefore your dd being treated) as being second-class. Whether you experience this through monetary/material gifts or through a lack of physical affection, it's the same root problems. Different families express love (and lack of it) in different ways.

You also said you know that when you are a Grandma you would make more of an effort than they are doing. Do you think that your feelings about all this have become more acute since you've had your dd, because YOU love her more than anything else in the world, so it's shocking that they don't feel like that about her, or even you? I think that'[s what broke the camel's back for me and my parents actually (different situation, but some parallels). I realised that no-one had ever felt about me the way I felt about my children. It was hard to accept.

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:06

PS I don't mean to the extent of buying affection, not every visit even, just sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:08

Yes greensleeves, you are right. My mum never told me she loved me until I pointed it out at age 24. She also was never very tactile.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/09/2007 21:10

Poor you it is awful to feel undervalued and even worse to feel that your dd is undervalued. I know it's a cliche, but it really is their loss, you know. And your dd has a mum who adores her.

Greensleeves · 23/09/2007 21:12

With regard to the tactile/affection thing - I find, since I've had to accept that my relationship with my parents has its limitations, that allowing myself to be as cuddly/demonstrative/overtly loving with my own children as I would have liked someone (anyone!) to have been with me, is incredibly healing.

Shoshable · 23/09/2007 21:20

Tori, your DD can be a surrogate GC for me love.

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:22

I think you are right greensleeves and I am all of those things with dd. I have had a good cry and will re group. Talking out loud has helped me to clarify my feelings and get some of the frustration out. I'm probably a bit oversensitive with hormones right now ( pg 15wks) which has made it worse.

Thank you for your kindness x

OP posts:
Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:24

Thanks shosh! You have just set me off again! Am having a hormonal day especially knowing DH not here to see my ridiculousness!!

OP posts:
Shoshable · 23/09/2007 21:25

Tori are you ok love, want me to make your bacon butty in the morning?

Shoshable · 23/09/2007 21:26

You should of phoned I would have come round.

Original poster
tori32 · 23/09/2007 21:30

I am Ok, like I said just feel a bit down as its been so long since I haven't had c here all week IYSWIM. I used to be used to it but have got out of the habit. Need to pull myself together. Bloody hormones!

Bacon Butty sounds fab!!!

OP posts:
AnguaVonUberwald · 24/09/2007 12:19

Tori32

It sounds like you were hoping, given your mothers attitudes to cousins children etc, that she would make the effort with your DD as she never has with you, and it has hurt you greatly that she hasn't.

My step father hasn't actually even spoken to me since he found out I was pregnant or sent a message through my mother to me.

My mother, well, she asks if I am still throwing up, but isn't actually "interested" in the pregnancy. The only question is: Are you still throwing up, and then on to other topics

It pisses me off as I don't see that it should be accepted as normal that when you bring someone up from when they are four years old you don't even comment on the fact that they are expecting their first child, and as for my mother....

I thought what greensleves said about having your child really making you realise what you didn't get from your parents very interesting. Will have to see how it all develops.

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