Hi looking foropinions and advice please.
I would like to be less upset by my mil and keep things positive as dh and I are trying to improve our marriage.
Mil and I got on okay before dh and I had children. I found her a bit overbearing but we were fine in social situations and could have a decent conversation. We would sometimes exchange messages.
Eldest child was born a few years ago. Long difficult birth and recovery. Mil and fil came to stay for a couple of weeks after dh went back to work. Dh job takes him away for a few weeks at a time. I invited pils to stay as I was unwell postpartum and thought they'd be useful support. As they live overseas, by the time they arrived I was much better and so apologised when they arrived that they had cut short their holiday as I was better now.
During their visit, mil did many things which upset me. For example:
- baby fussing at breast is normal behaviour, mil would glare at me and at my breasts and made various comments... " do you have enough milk?" " what's wrong with the baby?".. she did this so many times. If I left the room for privacy, she would follow me and continue making comments
-she continually wanted to hold my baby, fil said several times, "Whose baby is it dear?"
- when I took my baby back she would glare at me or look moody
- if she heard baby stir during night, she would knock on door and want to do changing etc. Was not needed and I found it so intrusive. Dh was still away, I explained to him how I felt, he said just tell mil she won't mind. I told mil thank you but it's not necessary to help me in nights, she responded "ok, whatever"
- when she and fil were due to go back home, mil told my dm that she thought I "wouldn't cope" looking after my baby, my dm recounted this to me which made me feel furious
During my eldest's first year, any time ils visited, mil would want to take my baby. If baby said "mama", mil would make a "nuwnuw" noise even though it was clear she said mama. Once i walked into the room, baby said mama and tried to crawl to me, mil blocked her way with her arm then glared at me. Dh missed all this.
This contributed to issues in my marriage that year as dh thought mil was oblivious and well meaning and didn't initially believe my account of mil behaviour.
I never confronted mil but just tried to assert my boundaries, I'll take her back now and taking baby back. However as soon as dd back in my arms, mil would clap her hands and open her arms to take dd back. I hated their visits as she acted like dd was hers. I was nice to dh about these issues, I told dh I thought it was because dd was effectively their first gc, mil is from a Mediterranean country where extended family are v involved, mil also has some emotional issues and i think this impacted. All in all, I avoided conflict, tried to be respectful and I think did not make my boundaries clear and suffered for it. Dh offered to talk to her, I said no. He eventually made one small comment and mil backed off a bit.
Every time ils visit, ils make little criticisms of dh and our home, dh seems not to jotice. Mil always seems to view our home as a project, nothing is ever good enough, eg she rearranges everything, cupboards, suggests where things can be moved, suggests cleaning products, tells me how to get stains out etc.. We do not live in a hovel and I have lived away from home for over 15 years so do not need mothering. I once asked her if she did her dsils laundry and rearranged her house during visits, she replied "oh no, her house is pristine" which I found offensive. Both pils have also given good help, I don't mind uf they ask if we need help it's more the suggestings things or just rearranging which I find rude.
Mil also pushed wife work on me which I rejected. For example, dh has a huge family. If someone from my side of family sends gift or card for children, I thank them, dh is supposed to do same for his enormous family but don't think he remembers to. She appears to have stopped now, but mil used to ask me, not dh, if x y z had been sent a thank you card etc, until I asked " have you asked dh?". Mil used to ask me what to buy children for Christmas, so I asked her to ask dh. She doesn't appear to do these things now.
When we had second child last year, ils came to visit with dhs siblings. Mil seemed to be less obsessed this time round. I decided to invite ils to stay while dh was away. I took mil to toddler groups etc, was polite, kind. I even asked if theyd like to stay longer, they stayed far longer than I had anticipated but I felt unable to say no. Mil gradually got more possessive of my new baby. As soon as we were awake she was outside my bedroom door, 530/6am arms open to take my baby. Ignoring my toddler to a large extent, obssesed with baby. A member of my family commented to me that mil seemed "strangely obssesed" and was glaring at toddler and ignoring her. Mil made bizarre comments, baby cried and mil told baby "i wish i had milk for you, i wish i could feed you". My baby missed feeds as mil held her so much and questioned me if i wanted to take her back, "why, are you going to feed her?" I said no i just want to hold her, shes my baby then mil would glare or look moody. I actually got mastitis as my youngest missed so many feeds. I felt shit the longer my pils stayed. Eventually I asked mil to give me some space and she and fil left that morning, refused lift to station etc, made it dramatic. I told dh all this, there is even more of same incidents. Dh offered to approach her but I said no. He had previously told her i found she undermined me and she was apparently horrified... dh seems to believe me but says he only has my side of it. I think shes also made rude comments about me to my toddler who has come out with never heard before things directly after ils visits... mummys got a big bum, we are never coming here again, etc etc
The issue i have now is that mil is messaging me on social media weekly and I really do not want to be in contact. Dh agrees pils should not stay again without him there. I want to delete mil from my social media but imagine it will cause a row. Im tempted to tell her my thoughts but unsure how to word it.