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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask for advice about funeral

17 replies

thatsforsure · 11/06/2020 14:59

Mother in law abroad has sadly passed away, Husband cant attend the funeral due to travel restrictions. I think we need to do something for him to mark it - what can we do instead

OP posts:
KnackeredHag · 11/06/2020 15:13

Sorry for your loss.

A family friend passed away recently and the crem offered a streaming service - sounds terrible but meant we were able to watch the service from home and then celebrate her life at home. Is it worth enquiring as to whether that is a possibility?

We planted a plant in the garden that she loved and had a glass of wine. Will remember her each time we see the plant.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 11/06/2020 15:28

Have you checked to see if your DH can travel to the funeral? My DH's colleague has just travelled to Ireland for (and with ) her DM's coffin.

cabbageking · 11/06/2020 15:33

You could have your own "goodbye time " at home at the same time. You could follow the order of service 're song choice and do your own tribute.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 11/06/2020 15:42

My sister lives abroad so couldn't attend mum's funeral. I had my sister on skype during the service. Is there anyway you could do that?

HellSmith · 11/06/2020 16:01

Cook MIL’s favourite meal, raise a glass, sing, or play a song that she liked, talk about the good times, look through the photos, but her s lovely bunch of flowers, do something she liked doing if possible.

HellSmith · 11/06/2020 16:02

Sorry that should say buy her a lovely bunch of flowers 💐

secretrugbyfan · 11/06/2020 16:13

If the funeral was in a church/chapel abroad you could attend your local church/chapel at the same time of the service abroad. If you explain the situation to the priest/vicar I'm sure they would organise something for you.

We did this once for a funeral in South Africa ...we had a service in a church at the same time (10am in SA, 8am in the UK)

AnnaSW1 · 11/06/2020 16:16

Can he not watch the service online or via an attendees phone? That's what I would want to do

My0My · 11/06/2020 16:16

Can he not get into the country or is it the 2 week restriction when he gets back? Some people are travelling.

CMOTDibbler · 11/06/2020 16:21

Our local church shared a really nice service to follow when unable to attend a funeral [[https://www.churchofengland.org/sites/default/files/2020-03/Funerals%20liturgy%20at%20home%20public.pdf here]] which I found very comforting as I wasn't able to have a funeral for either of my parents

MatildaTheCat · 11/06/2020 16:22

We had this very recently.

We had a natural burial and a really lovely service which included several family members speaking and a celebrant who brought the whole thing together.

She requested that all our contributions were essential to her beforehand and all the music we’d chosen. She made that into a word document which she emailed to those who couldn’t attend.

The main person who couldn’t come recorded a message which was played and sounded as if he was there. All major family members were mentioned .

We hired a professional film maker to film the entire thing which was done very discreetly and he produced an absolutely lovely film.

Those who couldn’t be there all used the actual funeral hour to read the words, listen to the music and reflect. They had the option of watching the film a bit later. Some have and some haven’t yet.

We were lucky, we were able to have an almost perfect funeral. Live streaming wasn’t an option but I’m glad because the film was much better.

I hope you work out something that works well enough for you all.

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/06/2020 16:23

Both my grandmother and mother's funerals will be streamed for those who are unable to attend. It is definitely worth finding out if that is an option given travel restrictions.

AlltheRs · 11/06/2020 16:39

I'm so sorry, these are really difficult times.

I don't know how helpful this is but we've had to deal with several covid deaths during lockdown, and seeing the distress of people unable to do as they normally would, I've ended up making what are mainly 'tribute films' or filmed 'farewells' to try and give people some solace. Funerals etc are always for the living and this is equally true of films.

Depending on if there are people abroad who can help: (this was actually more of a drive-by farewell but the closest to a funeral we could have at that point):
Their nations flags at the house, flowers brought there. A musician played outside, while the coffin was brought in a hearse to the house (with a small flag on display in hearse) with undertaker walking hearse down the road.
Coffin stopped at house while 'important' song was played, then drove down road turned around and slowly passed home for last time. Undertaker doffed hat, bowed, and got into car which drove slowley away to another important piece of music.
Videoed it all and then edited into something with a gentle pace to include music, musician, sky, flowers, some photos of deceased, and put online for relatives and friends inc in another country unable to be there. It wasn't an exact recording more a gently stretched out timeline of the events and left something tangible out of the situation. (the actual disposal had to happen another day without anyone there)

Another friends funeral service was live streamed from the crematorium, but tbh, it was a fixed position camera just showing coffin, celebrant, and top of three family heads 2 mt's apart from each other, and with the spaced out chairs and restrictions, and 'tannoy' style sound, we found it painfully 'dry,' sparse, and perfunctory. It translated badly on film. (obviously this may just be that particular one, but it was how we all felt about it.)

Another friend; young, a direct cremation at beginning of outbreak:- repatriation not allowed and bereft family abroad.
Recorded friends here reading poems, playing music, or speaking of their memories inc what they'd told us of home, to try and connect it all, over zoom, and put together a video interspersed with photos, for their family and friends in their country to try and let them know their relative was loved here, and taken care of as best as could have been done.

Another direct cremation; someone non conventional who loved nature: Collected ashes, brought plants and some seeds, took all to place that was special to them and dug small 'bed' and spread the ashes and planted 'bed' with small sapling in center. (and watered it) Again process filmed, edited to include poem and favorite song and map co-ordinates and put on internet with password. Intention is we go there in the future to remember them.

Three others with variants of above.

What's come out of it all, is while it's been exhausting and it's scary filming painful things and quite unnerving trying to do something creative with such sad material; it turns out that creating something 'beautiful' on film that people could watch and re-watch without it just feeling wretched, seems to be the key to replacing the gathering together to say goodbye element of funerals.

None of this may be right for you, but I hope it helps someone somewhere.

JudgeRindersMinder · 11/06/2020 16:45

We had my dad’s funeral on Saturday, and a lot of people “attended” via zoom. Would this be an option?

thatsforsure · 11/06/2020 18:27

Thank you all so much for taking the time to come up with such lovely ideas
He cant go - there are flight restrictions and even if he could get there a 2 week quarantine on arrival there
He is trying to arrange for someone to film and we will do something special at home using your ideas
You are all very kind

OP posts:
labazsisgoingmad · 11/06/2020 19:41

hope whatever you can manage to do all goes ok for you sending love and hugs to you all

JudgeRindersMinder · 11/06/2020 22:01

I meant to say that because we couldn’t do the traditional “cup of tea and sausage rolls”afterwards, we arranged for a lovely afternoon tea to be delivered from a local coffee shop for my and my sister’s families, which was lovely

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