To be thinking about kids already?

[HowFastIsTooFast]

Can I ask when you started thinking about having kids with your partner?

I've been with my partner 6 months (living and working together 24/7 during lockdown since end of March). I feel more loved and secure in this relationship than I ever did in my previous 7 year one which included a short-lived and ill-advised marriage.

We both want to have kids, but I'm almost 37 and he's 39 in a few weeks. The only insight into our fertility is that I had an early miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy in my early 30s. Neither of us have ever 'tried' before so don't know what issues we might encounter on the way.

6 months seems (at least societally) really soon to be thinking about this, but then if we wait another year for example we'll be almost 38 and 40 and could then have a year or more ttc ahead of us, even if we're lucky and don't encounter any problems. As an only child myself, I'd want to have 2 kids if I were able to.

We've both had long and shorter term relationships, both lived with partners and alone, know what we want and need from relationships and have the same future outlook. We're relatively financially stable, I own my own place that we could upgrade to something bigger in time and both earn over 30k - although obviously for one of us this would be less with a child in the picture. We've met each other's families at least over video and all seems well there.(covid cancelled both of our planned 'meet the parents' trips; we live in a different country to them).

Are we being ridiculous to be discussing this now in terms of our immediate future? Anyone else had kids early in a relationship and it worked out well?

Hi OP,

Sounds like a bit of a tricky situation. Normally, I would think 6 months in is way too soon. However, in your situation I think it is reasonable to be discussing this.

Perhaps it is worth discussing what would happen if you got pregnant and things didn't work out between the two of you. If you are both desperate to be parents, it might not be the worse thing in the world to try, even if the relationship doesn't work in the long run.

Good luck.

Unfortunately, what would make sense from the point of view of your age and your desire to have more than one child really doesn't work in terms of your very new relationship. I would think very carefully about whether you are prepared for the relationship not to survive, and to be raising your child or children yourself.

Thank you both, and yes that's a scenario that we're involving in the discussion.

6 months in is really in the first flush of romance still, tbh you barely know each other, throw the pressures of TTC, pregnancy and a newborn and the relationship could easily go either way. But, I completely understand your concerns regarding your ages.

You can discuss this with him, but how well really do you know him to know if his answers are truthful to you, or even himself? You don't and won't know if he will step up when things get tough.

As it is the woman who is normally left holding the baby, you will need to base your decision on the worst scenarios, whether you would want to go ahead knowing there is a higher risk than most of becoming a single parent with potentially minimal practical and CMS financial support, and then hope for the best. Unfortunately the decision to wait might result in fertility problems which has its own challenges in a relationship.

It is a tough decision whatever you decide, but it is not ridiculous to be thinking about it. Good luck.

Yes, I was just thinking about what I knew or didn't know about my now-husband when we'd been together six months, and what he knew/didn't know about me. I'm pretty sure it took him longer to tell me that he had a much older brother he'd never mentioned (because he had caused his lovely parents such heartache) who was in prison in another country for a violent crime, and I took a while to tell him that I'd been sexually abused as a child, and as a result had some issues which made it very difficult for me to contemplate certain aspects of pregnancy and birth.

I say this not to suggest that your boyfriend necessarily has any dark secrets, but just that you're still very much in the getting to know you stage. And we had been together for a very long time before we had a child, and it still tested our strong, long-established relationship, which had seen us through several changes of country, periods of long-distance, several stressful postgraduate degrees etc.

@WeAllHaveWings Thank you. I'm taking all of that on board. I'm in the oddly fortunate position that the place we live is wildly expensive. In the worst case scenario and he scarpered leaving me holding the baby (like my own Dad did ) then I could sell up here and would be able to buy a place in cash back home near my family.

Also with regards how well we know each other, obviously after this period of time we're just scratching the surface really but I do think that coming up 3 months in a one bedroom flat together 24/7 has helped speed that process up a bit!

In 7 years with my ex I never felt as secure that he meant what he said as my current partner does.

I think it's your age that's rushing you into thinking about having a baby. 6 months is a very short amount of time to have a baby together. Pregnancy and children can put a strain on a relationship that's so new. BIL met, married and had 2 children in the space of 2 years with his ex wife. He said recently that he never got to know her as a person as she got pregnant after 8 weeks together, then when baby was 8 weeks she was pregnant again. It put a lot of strain on their relationship and he said he sometimes felt like her carer and not her husband. She is 5 years older than him and had various complications after childbirth. They didn't know each well enough to have children and didn't know how to cope with the reality of day to day family life. They had not build a firm foundation to be able to deal with it.

When you know, you know 🤷‍♀️ I fell pregnant 3 months into a relationship with my now husband. We were already living together at that stage. We’ve now been together almost 5 years and married for 2, our DD is 3 and we have another on the way now. Like you I had come out of a long term relationship; I never even contemplated kids with him as it was just wrong! I was over the moon when I fell pregnant with my now DH. He’s proven to be an amazing husband and father, his family are just wonderful and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, we are still learning things about each other but I wouldn’t change a thing.

@IndieRo Yikes that all happened very fast! I think in my head I'm envisaging a year or so of 'casual' ttc before we stepped it up, which would add a year into our relationship but without having 'wasted' that time assuming we both still feel the same way 12 months down the road. Does that even make sense?

I appreciate that what we envisage is often very wrong and I could be pregnant within 2 weeks of stopping BC!

@livelyredjellybean That's lovely to read! Congratulations on the impending arrival :)

I would say it's too soon to actually do it now, but it's a good idea to talk about it and make sure you're both on the same page. Some things I'd want to discuss:

• Time scales, obviously, but also when would both your 'cut offs' be
• Work situation, presuming you'll take maternity leave, or will you share it? How will finances work? Who will change/reduce their hours to look after child etc
• What happens if you struggle to conceive, would you have IVF? How much would you be prepared to pay? Other options you might take
• Things about raising the child, such as permanent living location, schooling, religion etc

I was in a similar situation and we started trying after 7 months and it took 8 long months to get pregnant meaning I had my baby just before my 39th birthday. Glad we didn't wait any longer.

Unfortunately it is harder to get pregnant as you get older so we didn't want to wait much longer.

I think it’s too soon, you barely know each other. You talk about being able to manage practically and financially in the event he scarpered and had no interest in his child, but you also need to consider whether you could co-parent if it didn’t work out and he turned out to be a bell-end who did want to be involved but disagreed with many of your parenting choices / prevented you moving back home by taking you to court to have regular access.

Sure, it may work out, but at least consider the worst case scenario if it doesn’t, which may not just be you ending up holding the baby alone.

Dh and i started trying after 6 months together (got pg on month 3) dc is now 18 and still together

Personally, I would go for it. I would rather try and have the risk of the relationship breaking down and being a single parent, than not try and risk being childless. I think there’s a lot of careful conversations that need to be had between the two of you but if you can broadly agree on things then why not.

I got (accidentally) pregnant 4 months into my relationship. We now are engaged with a 2 year old DD and very happy. It was weird at times, especially when we realised I’d been pregnant for more than half the relationship, but actually I think it has some positives too. Lots of couples who’ve been together a long time have a hard time adjusting to having kids and giving up their long standing routines and lazy Sunday breakfasts etc. We’ve been a family pretty much from the start so it wasn’t so much of a shock to our system I think.

@riotlady Thanks; I'm glad it all worked out for you.

I'm taking all of these responses on board. Some of the suggested conversations we've already had or are having, some I realise we need to think more about.

Obviously nobody can see the future, and I'm touching wood, but I'm about as confident as I think I could ever be about anyone that he wouldn't bail out. I've had some insights into his background and family dynamic that I won't mention specifically for fear of being recognised, but in my opinion they are very good signs (and these are organic situations, rather than things deliberately put in front of my face to impress me).

To update, we've talked a lot more over the past 48 hours, including those subjects suggested above that we hadn't covered already.

We've decided that for the next 6 months or so we won't actively try, but we won't prevent it either. We know it's quite unlikely to happen 'accidentally' at our ages and not monitoring fertile days etc, but if it does then it does. After Christmas we'll think about taking a more serious approach.

In the meantime we're going to prepare in other ways, putting more savings aside, looking around for bigger properties, taking a more considered approach to our health etc.

After spending my early 30s single and almost sure that this wouldn't ever happen, it feels very strange and a bit crazy but in the best way 🙂

It's too soon, but if you want children then given your age I would say that having them with the wrong person is better than not having them at all, looking at the overall 'what I want out of my life' question. So yes I would probably ttc.

HOWEVER.

It would be on the back of some very very straight talking and thinking. The most signficant thing you actually say here (MUCH more significant than all the very very typical 'he makes me feel great' stuff that EVERYONE thinks, 6 months in) - is that your house makes you financially secure.

The rules for me would be, with no discussion -

• financial openness. You can't stop him running off, but he can show willing beyond the fluffy 'making you feel so safe' by being willing to share details of his finances with you and you both coming up with a contribution plan: what happens for maternity leave, when you go back to work etc., pension contributions - everything. Would you want to stay home with the baby? Discuss every financial possibility and get to see exactly how much he really is committed to equal sacrifice.

• living together. You should live together asap. You need the insight of that step up as soon as possible really. Too quick, but it is what it is.

• the baby has your surname. If he doesn't like this it is absolutely tough luck. He could walk at any moment. If he does you'll be left with the baby and YOU are the one who ultimately takes this risk and he doesn't. You could end up in a year with a baby you love and a man you hate more than you ever thought possible for his lies. Hopefully not but you MUST consider this. Your surname. If it works out and you end up marrying, you can all change surnames then to anything you want. But at this stage it's your surname and nothing else (hint: his response to the logic of this will be a good insight).

Oh sorry I missed that you are already in a house together! Apologies x

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater. Yes we're already living together. It began as a temporary lockdown situation but quickly became apparent that it would be permanent.

I probably didn't give enough detail, what I meant about feeling secure with him is that we have already been entirely open about history, finances
etc from day 1. We've talked openly about how we'd manage going forward. I would likely reduce work as I get paid less and my job allows more flexible hours so potentially less paid childcare needed, but he is also more than willing to.

The surname thing is quite tricky as my surname is actually my ex-husbands surname which I would find deeply uncomfortable (DP wouldn't mind if that's what I wanted) and my maiden name is awful which is why I haven't changed back. That said, I would definitely consider changing mine by deed-poll beforehand, either to match his, or to my Mums family name.

I know that it's all a big risk, but obviously people can be together years and still split up, so we could wait 3 or 5 or 8 years to be 'sure' but then not be able to have kids, or have them and still split up. I think it's a calculated risk worth taking.

When I’d been dating my now DH about 3 months, a condom split. I didn’t want to be pregnant at that exact time, and took the MAP, but I remember clearly thinking- if the pill doesn’t work, it wouldn’t be the complete end of the world, as I’m pretty sure I want to marry this man and have children with him at some point. I know the power of hindsight is a great thing, and I could have been wrong, but I just felt I knew very early on that he was the one I wanted to be with. 10 years later we’re married with 2 DC and a third on the way. The only thing I’d be wary of is you saying you’ll give it a year kind of trying- of course you may be right and it might take a while- but it could happen very quickly- so be prepared for that too!!

For us it would have been far too soon as we got together still in our teens, we had a lot of growing up to do separately and together, we waited 6 years to try for a baby and that was right for us, we had decided to buy a house, do it up and get married all of which took us three years. In the three years prior to that I went to uni, we went on nice short breaks, I holidayed separately with friends a few times. We had a few things we wanted to do before we started a family, however if we'd got together now instead of seven years ago I doubt we'd have waited anywhere near as long to get married and start a family. So I think age is definitely relevant. I know a couple who had a surprise pregnancy very early on and they're still together 5 years later and they're happy so it can work (obviously it doesn't always but sometimes, when you know, you know!) Good luck with whatever you decide

Thanks @RoseGoldEagle. Yep we’re definitely prepared for that too, but this feels better for us than going straight in with the calendars and thermometers and timing sex right away.

You’re right that it’s easy with hindsight, but this does feel different to any of the previous relationships I’ve had. I actually spent the first couple of months actively looking for the red flags (sadly there aren’t many I haven’t encountered before) and was poised and ready to run once I found them, but so far there doesn’t seem to be any to find.

I first met my husband end of April 2014, we became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 204, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married, and started trying for a baby after 2 months together. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But we knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.
I'd just turned 21 when we met, he was 29. I was a student and he worked full time but we still made it work, and couldn't be happier.