8 year old DD doesn’t want to do schoolwork

[Littleblackdress04]

My 8 year old DD hasn’t wanted to do any school work during this time and gets very upset about it. She reads to herself when she wants & draws etc but doesn’t want to do formal work. I haven’t pushed it partly because I am also working full time but it’s just making me feel a failure too. I don’t have any mental capacity to do stuff with her either as my job is exhausting at home as is just keeping the kids fed etc.

I am worried though - aibu to feel so bad that she’s just missing so much- I just can’t get my head into it either after working - I’d rather go out for a walk with the kids

It’s really getting me down

Everyone has to work for a living. You can’t opt out at 8.

My 8 year old doesn't want to do schoolwork. He's been doing it at home since March 16th. He has argued and cried every day. I've cried at least once a week.

DH and I have carried on working as usual. There is more housework with 4 people at home all day every day. There is more cooking too as everyone is here at lunchtime and evenings it used to be the nanny heating up batch cooked meals and Id just grab a sandwich having eaten in the work canteen.

However for me I find it easier to insist that he does the work set by school (an average of 25 hours a week) than trying to think of my own stuff to give him. Also school asks for work to be sent, they've corrected stuff via zoom, and he has 3-4 online tests a week so he really needs to do it.

Its been hideous but I am so glad I made/make him do it. He's back in school 2 half days a week and his teacher (known for being very strict and hard on the children) has congratulated him for progressing so much. She told me he's really matured and has gained in confidence.

It's still hard, he still argues and tantrums but I know he would flounder in September if everyone else progressed and he didn't.

He loses screen time of he doesn't do his work. It's simple. Hard to implement though.

[quote Littleblackdress04]@heartsonacake I’m not fucking slacking. I’m working in a demanding job from home 40 hours a week and I don’t have the capacity to teach my reluctant 8 year old if she doesn’t want to.[/quote]
You are slacking and you are failing your daughter by not educating her.

Nobody is asking you to spend hours and hours doing schoolwork with her, but to not even do the bare minimum for her is seriously neglectful.

You do have the capacity. Saying you don’t is an easy cop out because it’s easier just to go out walking than actually helping with her education.

She wouldn't get away with refusing to do the work at school would she? Does she get away with it at home or are there sanctions?

Is she ever given the choice of schoolwork or chores, with no other alternative?

Don’t complain when your DD is behind when she eventually goes back to school.

There’s many things you could be doing with her but are choosing not to.

8 yr old DS does some TT rockstars and White Rose maths most days.
Reading for 15 minutes is the minimum.

We’ve also cooked by following instructions. Sometimes he’s cooked and then written instructions afterward.
Nature walks and bug spotting. Clay animals. Doing some of the Taskmaster tasks. Writing stories. Word searches.

How do people get a child to do TT rock stars etc if they refuse?

You can't tie a child to a chair, no screen time won't make a difference, bribery doesn't work. There's very little left for a parent faced with full on refusal if they don't care for consequences, my 11yr old doesn't care. No carrots or sticks will work.

My 8 year old daughter is the same it's so frustrating. She has no motivation. Me and
DH have argued about it.

Same here. I’m not going to push it, I’ll get her tutors should she need them later on.

We’ve got into a routing of printing the daily sheet off.

Doing the online bits and DD shouts of she’s stuck.

This has taken since March to get to this stage. So weeks of tantrums and tears.

We’ve had no personal contact from DDs teacher in this time. The work that’s been set online has been difficult to access and some of the tasks are now repeating from March.

We’re having a day off today and tomorrow. The thought of her going back for a few sessions before the summer holidays was keeping her going. The news it’s not likely to happen now has really removed the oomph from her.

@Bathbedandbeyond that’s our opinion too. We’d be happy for some sort of summer school too

Mine is 11 acting the same it is causing ruckus in the house. I keep telling myself it's not much longer, homework before lockdown had an awful effect on our relationship she avoids everything needs constant motivation, now it is war time.
I feel like telling her dont bother, wreck your bloody life you lazy little bleep but I'm staying calm on the outside.

I'm exactly where you are. My DD1 (11) is thankfully back at school finally, but DD2 (also 8) has refused to do any work. I'm not well (COVID-19 symptoms long-term, though tested negative finally 3weeks ago) and my DH is WFH full-time. So we've had to step back. She's had a lot to cope with me being ill and missing her friends.

There's been a a solution for us in that DD2 has been offered a place in the key worker bubble because my DH has a key role in the Highways Department at our local Council. She's struggling with the idea of going back, though, as her 2 best friends won't be there.

I understand how hard it is. We all need schools to start again as this isn't fair on our DC.

I'd really love to know how I'm supposed to "make" my 8 y/o DD, who is awaiting formal diagnosis of autism (almost certain), do school work. Short of corporal punishment there's really very little we've not tried. I'm loathe to go vack to the days when she would tantrum so badly & so long we'd basically lose most of a day to it. Between calming her down, cleaning her & the house up (she would cry until she vomits) a tantrum frequently took 6-7 hours to resolve. So no, we're not "forcing" her. And we have precisely zero family support at the best of times. My mother looked after her once, as a baby, for 90 minutes. She vowed never again.

DD is not stupid. She could do it if she wanted. She doesn't want to. DH & I have explained to her, rather bluntly this afternoon, that her friends are also missing school, but they are doing homework & that DD is slipping behind & will struggle when school reopens, & may not be able to be with her friends next year as a result. Her year is a "bump year" & she's in the class of more advanced children because she's a great reader.

We are reduced to watching BBC Bitesize on Youtube & hoping some of it goes in. Thankyou VV much to the PP who suggested that. At least it gives DD a feeling of control because she can choose which episodes she wants to watch (we supervise, obviously!)

I am dreading DD being bigger than me. She will be. She's only 8 & already past my shoulder. And strong like a damned horse. How am I supposed to make her do anything? Smack her? (Obviously, no!) I only recently got DH to stop smacking her when he's cross with her.

We are doing 1 piece of maths and 1 piece of english a day with DD7. She was about to be assessed for ADHD and dyslexia before Covid so its tough. She doesn't mind maths, but hates English and often has a huge strop about it, throws things around, constantly distracted etc. She has 2 little brothers who make studying almost impossible. However, we are doing it. It takes about an hour and a half in total, broken up into two parts. It has been set by the school so in that sense we are lucky, but it has to be non negotiable. If she refuses, no screen time. I feel for you but your daughter will be seriously behind if she does nothing at all. I've found a routine really helps- we still get fireworks but not as bad if she knows what is expected of her and when.

You've got two choices:

1. forget about school work and stand by your decision as something that's right for your family.

2. Educate her in an alternative way to school worksheets.

Either choice is your right to make.

If it's option two then work on self directed learning. Get her to choose a topic that interests her and do a little project on it.

Watch Horrible Histories, a nature program or read a science book about space? (read about puppies or kittens - it doesn't matter!)

Then get an A4 piece of paper and fold it in half so it becomes a booklet with 4 small pages.

The first page can be the title page, one can be a drawing page and the other two need a few facts in them. This is just an example; she can put it together however she wants.

Maybe make a poster?

Of course it’s your decision op but you’re doing her a disservice really. Do you give in to tears and tantrums in all areas or just school work? Sometimes kids have to do things they don’t want to do (as do adults!)

My just turned 9 year old so year 4 is finding it hard to concentrate. I have to work from home but cannot do this effectively in the day as I'm constantly cajoling, helping and teaching them (have a teenage boy as well). I become overwhelmed with panic when I think about it all.

Sorry, but DC need to be doing school work. Those who have done nothing for 6 months will be 6 months behind and that will affect their futures.

9 year old boys are not mature enough to see this- so it is our role as parents to encourage, cajole and ultimately make them do school work, if necessary.

I'd take everything off him- no screen time, no gaming, no going out, no privileges at all.
I'd then start him on a routine- he should be following his normal school day (with breaks and lunches as normal) plus the same amount of homework he'd usually be doing. Some friends of mine have found that making their DC wear school uniform has been effective.

He would then have the chance to earn back his privileges by following the routine- so it could be a case of 1 week = you can play football in the garden, 2 weeks = you can watch a film.

During the week, the focus should be on school work. So even after he's earned his privileges back he should be asking to watch TV for an hour and asking to play Lego rather than assuming he's allowed and permission should only be given if he's completed his school routine

My DD is also 8. Home schooling has partly been successful, and partly been a tearing hair out tears all round fiasco. I have concentrated on what interests her. She has had awards for her projects on RE (Hinduism in particular caught her interest) and Computing. She also loves Maths.

However... she struggles with telling the time. She doesn't like reading. It frustrates me as I was an avid reader at her age and I'm pretty sure I could tell the time. I'm off work at the minute which means I can dedicate a bit more time to this. But it is still exhausting. If I was working, I'm pretty sure I'd have sacked the whole thing off.

My conclusion is that we are all in different positions. I feel (from what I've seen so far on here) that the bulk of the childcare and schooling falls to us Mums. And we already have enough to beat ourselves up about. At the age of 8, I honestly don't think this break in formal schooling will give them a disadvantage in life. I've based this on the fact that they will be in school from the age of 4 to 18. So they have missed 4 months of school. I think we all need to give ourselves a break. Life in general is tough. We have never had a Pandemic before. Let's not worry too much and support each other in eventually getting back to normal. And celebrate the role that teachers play in our kids lives.

And I don't think it's helpful to the recent posters who asked if you always give in to tears and tantrums or to take everything off them. Dear God, have some bloody compassion. Some people are juggling jobs / being a single parent / SEN or possible diagnosis / Being Carers / Have elderly Parents. Never mind those in Domestic Abuse situations. Stop being judgemental!

Again, I'd urge anyone not to beat themselves up. Especially not with kids of this age.

But the OP hasn’t suggested she is juggling SEN/domestic abuse or is a carer. I have a whole bunch of friends whose kids have SEN and additional needs and for most of them they are just about getting through. But the OP doesn’t seem to be in that category at least based on the information provided so far. Just that she has an older child who is getting some education but an 8 year old who has been left to fend for herself academically.

We are not doing 5-6 hours because 8 year olds rarely do that in school. And because we are both working FT. And yes we are all tired and fed up. I get it. But we are doing something everyday, plugging away. Setting him something to do, and then doing something with them after work. Even if that’s not strictly on the curriculum. DH has been teaching DS a bit about electricity after work. I have been teaching him bits of history in the evening. A couple of small projects, he writes a story a week based on a prompt (nothing ground breaking) and a few little poems. Plus a little Maths and English every day (20-30 mins is enough) and lots of books to read and to be read to. I don’t think working parents can replicate a full school day and I didn’t suggest that at all because it’s unrealistic. And there are off days here and there. A nice day to just sit in a paddling pool for the kids and eat ice cream. Or go for a bike ride. That’s fine.

But I did suggest that we all worked before this and juggled school run and clubs and homework along with domestic chores (and most of us fed our kids at least two meals a day anyway) so if they did just that last bit- just the homework bit plus some stuff on the weekend that’s better than nothing. And that the OP is not a parent to small toddlers so her children don’t need round the clock supervision and can in fact at least make breakfast and do some chores. Apparently suggesting that is somehow akin to sneering judgement on this thread.

We’ve been using futureschool.com particularly for math.

She's safe, fed and loved. Those have to be the absolute priorities so recognise that you're achieving that, plus walks, reading and drawing as a starting point. If your DD is resisting doing school work, I wonder what's going on for her. Is it boring, is she worried she won't be able to do it, does she think that by not doing it she'll somehow pause school and pick up where she left off? It would be interesting to find out what she's thinking about it all.

Maybe she's not bothered about falling behind or maybe she's terrified of getting something wrong. She might be willing to keep things ticking over by revisiting maths content from a previous year (buy a CGP or Schofield & Simms workbook) safe in the knowledge she'll be able to be successful. Or perhaps she'd be up for practising timetables on an app or website? If you're happy for her to spend time online, have a look at Seneca - she could do science, English and a few other subjects through that. Or there might be something completely different she'd like to learn independently whilst she's not at school e.g. the piano (Hoffman Academy), a language (Duolingo), various drawing techniques (endless people on YouTube).

I've found my Y6 DD has responded well to a daily ticklist which includes a page of maths, an English thing, Duolingo (her choice), science (Seneca) and sometimes something else. She'd prefer to do no written work so a maths workbook has been brilliant as she can write everything in that. English is usually a single activity but might be to find me five interesting facts about X or to write a list of pros and cons - it's not always a long piece of writing and sometimes it's for her to watch the film of a book she's recently read so she can tell us about it later.

Once you've found out a bit more about her reluctance, maybe start with Seneca and say you'd like her to do one section/quiz per day/hour for which she will receive X. It will give the day a bit if shape. And if she still complains, get her to do at least one household job each day be that sweeping and mopping a floor, or sorting the laundry.

Wow OP, you sure have been telling everyone who doesn’t write what you want to hear to fuck themselves, haven’t you?

So really, you just want to be told it’s fine that your kid is falling behind.

Ok, you’re working 40 hrs a week. So why the fuck can’t you do 3-4 hours of maths and English with your kids on Saturday and Sundays?

Yeah. Woes you, cause nobody else is in your situation .