8 year old DD doesn’t want to do schoolwork

[Littleblackdress04]

My 8 year old DD hasn’t wanted to do any school work during this time and gets very upset about it. She reads to herself when she wants & draws etc but doesn’t want to do formal work. I haven’t pushed it partly because I am also working full time but it’s just making me feel a failure too. I don’t have any mental capacity to do stuff with her either as my job is exhausting at home as is just keeping the kids fed etc.

I am worried though - aibu to feel so bad that she’s just missing so much- I just can’t get my head into it either after working - I’d rather go out for a walk with the kids

It’s really getting me down

I have it easy as am furloughed just now. My 9-year-old is doing school work. The stuff she HATES I have to sit with her and tread carefully, which is awful; if yours hates everything and you’re working/unwell then it must be hellish.

Can you try 10 minutes of maths before you start work, 10 mins reading at lunchtime, 10 minutes grammar after you finish work? Talk her into it by pointing out how horrible it is for HER to get so upset and cross for hours, (ie rather than how awful it is for you), over a 10-minute task.

Keep the tasks very easy at first so you can pile on the praise: eg 10 times table rather than adding fractions, “spot the noun” rather than “frontal adverbs”, etc. My thinking is that that way you get them to ease into it, and help them get past the idea that it’ll be “too hard” (;they’re going to have to put up with it being boring!) as we’re likely into “home learning” for the long haul now.

My 9 year old is much the same. I too wfh for a 50hr week, am a single parent and dog owner. I have a chronic illness that has flared. We do our best to do some stuff together but formal education is not really happening!

My 8 yos are gojng through a stage of. It wanting to do it. We've had an hour of crying over a mental maths sheet that should have take 4 minutes this morning. We've done everything that's been set so far but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth the battle.

My husband is back in work from Monday and I'm working ft from home so I suspect there will be less getting done from next week.

I've booked a day off tomorrow - we are doing no work and getting out for a big bike ride. We will do some biology / nature while we are out:)

I think its crazy to let kids believe they can't learn from anyone other than a teacher - you should be integrating learning at every step and with as much as you can when with your kids - even conversations about holidays can include learning about the area they are going on holiday - different trades and how the area survives- why the earth is a different colour etc local foods, industry like textiles or jewellery, what kind of designs are local e.g. moorish is spain - history, geography and art all in one. Same in the kitchen = get them helping with cooking - there is science in there around boiling water - whats the temperature, what does it produce and why, why does food change when cooked, how to put a meal together, how to cook enough for everyone, why we have to keep things clean, how to wash things properly - why a dishwasher is better than handwashing, why its not (environmental science). We were always talking all this stuff with DD when she was growing up we still do it now at 14, she is a complete history and geography geek (not my forte but DH) she can do a mean dissection of anyone's marketing strategy and plan in business, and come up with a quick strategy for doing something business orientated without even thinking about it (in fact it makes me laugh she is so to the point on things). You are never to young for these chats - we have always had our own businesses and she even at the age of three like to make and design her own business card and hand them out to adult friends (pure networking). Unless your child has an element of special needs it really shouldn't be hard to integrate learning rather than make it about screen learning or writing in a book.

I would also say if you are really concerned there are plenty of tutors out there working 1 to 1 and in groups online which is a very different experience to school although obviously this has to be paid for

YABU. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t want to; she’s the child, you’re the parent. She doesn’t get to choose.

You are responsible for her education and by slacking in this way you are failing her.

You need to find your energy and motivation and parent your daughter - and that includes educating her.

We have been told by school (outstanding state) that there is no pressure to do the work provided, the most important thing is mental/emotional care. Just look after your child's emotional needs the rest can be caught up with once school resumes.

If she is reading and drawing etc I wouldn't put any pressure on her or you. It is hard for everyone. Some kids may be working normal school hours, some won't want to, and some won't be able to for a myriad of reasons. But when they all go back and life resumes theh will catch back up.

@heartsonacake I’m not fucking slacking. I’m working in a demanding job from home 40 hours a week and I don’t have the capacity to teach my reluctant 8 year old if she doesn’t want to.

@heartsonacake and fuck off with your judgy comments about my parenting too

Right now everyone is exhausted with the constant change to our lives - working from home, restricted shopping, not being able to see family and friends or go out as freely as we would like. This means we are running on very low reserves and might be unable to 'fill our cup' in order to function anywhere near our usual.

Our children are no different. Their world has changed beyond recognition. School is different if they do go in, they are limited as to who they can see and where they can go. They feel that they have no control over anything but one place they can vocalise this in in the expectation that they do some learning at home.

IME our outlook very much affects how our children react and deal with things so I would take that time to refill your cup before working out how you can help your DD with her home learning. If that means you take the DC for a walk every single day right now, fine. If it means you spend time colouring, fine. It's ok to say 'this doesn't work for us right now'.

But it seems you do want DD to do some of her learning even if she cannot do all of it.

Things which help us are to have a dedicated space to do school work - we use the dining table and a dedicated time to do it - we do 9-12 every day when I am not at work with a break half way. I appreciate this might not be easy when you are working from home but it also doesn't have to be in normal school or work hours.

I write the days tasks on a whiteboard so they can see how much they have to do. I can also use the whiteboard to show them how to work out, say a maths question or how to spell a word, getting them to give me the information as we go.

If you want her to work while you do, then find the easiest activity that she can do independently, and praise once it is done - help her feel like she can do the work by herself. It will help give her the confidence to tackle some which she might find more challenging.

But most of all, remember that if your children are happy, healthy and safe, you are doing ok. Learning at home is an ideal which we all want to ensure our children don't fall behind, but schools know this and will expect there to be a large number of learning gaps. If you can just keep her reading and writing, I'd say you are doing ok.

Yes you ABU

But presumably you worked 40 hours before? You never taught her anything?
I find this British divide between home and school really bizarre. My parents taught me loads of stuff, Academic stuff at home. My dad taught me how to read poetry. My mum taught me a language. Both worked full time. They taught me to read, we did science experiments, my mum taught me to knit, and my dad taught me a lot of history. Both my parents worked really long hours but we all talked about stuff, read together, worked on projects on weekends. And I swam, biked, and did all the other things kids do.

DH and I also work FT. Both our kids have ‘studied’ stuff with us from when they were very very little in their spare time. Talking about maths, doing science with DH and learning history stuff from me. And the odd project depending on whatever random interest they currently have. (One was obsessed with canals for a while. My interest in canals is fairly minimal but we ran with it).

It is a reductive idea to think that worksheets = education but also this strange idea that school is the only place to deliver education. And that working parents should abdicate all educational responsibilities for primary children to school.

You're not alone. My 11yr old hasn't done a thing I've explained why she needs to do it, begged and bribed. But I can't hold a gun to her head and make her.
I feel sick with worry about how far behind she will be and how she'll regret but I I can't do any more.

And my kids count count, knew their letters, could write their names etc before school. Because like learning to swim or riding a bike, I thought teaching some basic stuff was my responsibility as a parent. One of my kids was a seriously fluent reader, the other was a better mathematician as a v young child (still is scarily good at maths) but we did 5-10 mins every day. Just as when they were babies, I taught them colours or helped them develop a vocabulary and read to them for hours. As they got older I taught them ‘school’ stuff. I just didn’t present it as ‘school’ stuff. As I said I find this divide between academic learning and home learning to be quite bizarre.

A few of us felt the same yesterday OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3934799-Today-was-the-last-day-of-home-school-in-this-house?msgid=97347154#97347154

I could have written your post OP

My DD is also 8 and I have a demanding full time job WFH.

I had good intentions for the first few weeks but the arguments, upset and her dependency on me to help her just caused so much stress and upset and made me feel terrible.

She reads each night, draws, I ask her times tables and we are trying to improve her understanding of telling the time too. I got her a spelling WordSearch book which I get her to do some days and I have been asking her to spell the Y3/Y4 spellings (google them) now and again as well.

I feel it's all I can do. If you think about it this way- imagine you worked in a supermarket, a hospital, anywhere that you don't work from home... Could you take your child to work with you all day, keep them entertained, homeschool them and feed them whilst also doing your job? Probably not. I think we feel like because we work at home, people see it as an easy ride. I would much prefer to be going to the office!

On a positive note, she was very dependent on us before lockdown but she now dresses herself (she always used to moan about putting her socks on!), can get her own breakfast and can put things in the microwave for lunch. She is able to keep herself entertained (albeit with screen time mostly) for longer periods too.

My 11yr old is on Minecraft all day. The only good thing is she isn't hitting me much and I can get on with work. That's how low my standards have fallen.

ChaBishkoot presumably you’re bringing your kids up to be judgmental, sneery and devoid of empathy too, just like mummy?

Your sense of superiority is sickening.

Thanks @ThedietstartsonMonday & @ohyeahnorway you have both made me feel better. I have helped my DS with his secondary work but I feel exhausted trying to persuade DD to do stuff when she doesn’t want to.

Funnily enough I don’t have time to teach my kids a language at the moment as work, feeding them, keeping the house clean & tidy is taking up all of my time. I haven’t had an hour to myself in 12 weeks.

And to all those parent shaming me for not being a teacher or teaching my kids fractions in this time, go fuck yourselves seriously!

What sense of superiority? Like everyone I have been working FT. We locked down (not in the UK right now) a month before the U.K. Our schools are closed till September.
I am sorry people have it tough. We all have it tough. But this attitude that learning is something that parents can’t do is absurd to me.
Surely we are our children’s first and foremost teachers. I am not asking the OP to spend hours a day teaching. But the idea that a FT working parent has never ever been involved in her child’s education? (Or his, as a father) strikes me as absurd and neglectful, even pre pandemic.

I think what this pandemic has actually revealed is what a reductive idea is ‘education’ and ‘learning’ has been fostered by the state and allowed to foster by society at large.

‘What sense of superiority?’

A little self reflection might help you educate yourself.

Honestly yes YABU OP You may not be able to deliver 6 hours schooling (and frankly your dd doesnt need 6 hours schooling) per day but you should be able to ensure some work takes place.

If she cannot/will not work alone then you could supervise during the "shoulders" of the day - ie before 9 and after 5.30pm. Or at lunchtime, depending on how your day is scheduled. Then do a couple of hours Sat and Sunday.

My mum taught me a language by speaking it to me, reading it in to me, and doing 5 mins of written work a week. I am not great at it but I can speak it. I genuinely don’t understand, did you never ever supervise homework or schoolwork?
Did you not feed them, do housework before? In fact I had a horrendous commute (DH didn’t) so at least I don’t have that.
I work 40-45 hours a week, DH works 60+. But even before this we could do 10-20 mins a day with our children.
Are you reading to her everyday? Why not pick a work of non fiction and read to her for 30 mins every day? And talk about it? That’s still ‘education’?

I think a lot of us will be left with parental guilt this year op. My dd does very little and needs a lot of cajoling and supervision to not get very much done. I decided to stick with minimal numeracy, reading and writing. Numeracy is the main source of tension in this house as so much work was put in to get her literate that it was neglected over the years. She has sen so at home learning isn't as simple as sit down and do it.

To get round her lack of online engagement with school stuff etc we are going to keep going in the summer months just to keep her brain ticking and play a rough sort of catch up.

I bought her comic style factual history books which she likes thankfully. Her typing and computer literacy skills are great now but that is down to roblox and minecraft. But I will count that as a win.

Don't be too hard on yourself, if she isn't engaging with formal work then best case is to try fun forms of learning like learning/game apps and make them non negotiable.

And if your children are 8 and secondary school then they can make breakfast at least? And surely do household chores like dishes and the washing machine as a bare minimum? And they can help you tidy up? Why are you doing all the chores with much older children?

Look I know it’s tough. But you are not at home with two toddlers. You are at home with two grown up kids who don’t need that level of constant supervision. Or need help going to the toilet. Or dressing themselves. And constant entertainment. I am NOT saying life is easy but I am also finding it impossible to believe that you never ever got involved in any aspect of their learning before this.
We all did housework and fed our kids and commuted and worked before this. And did school runs. And the odd extra curricular stuff. The vast majority of us did this. I was exhausted. I am still exhausted. Minus the commute. That’s parenthood frankly.
We still are. Our kids are bored. But there is no running around and for those with older kids their MH has definitely suffered from not seeing friends but I don’t buy that with older kids in the house are days are now SO BUSY that we can’t spend 20 mins with our kids doing something educational.

I don't know what the right answer is, all I know is that
A) this pandemic is fucking hard for children AND working parents
B) it isn't going to magically go away
C) schools will have to priortise children at risk or those who are very behind

I have been sorely tempted to 'unschool' my two and let them do what they wnat, which for DD would be reading, art, minecraft, and playing with the dog, and for DS be minecraft, Xbox, some reading, some kicking a ball around. None of which is that bad, but i get the sense they are getting more and more screen dependent.

But I also think this is a real wake up that it is OUR responsibility to educate our children right now, not the teachers. That's going to cause massive massive inequalities, but for those of us who can do it, we should. And I get the tiredness, DH and I are full time and have been tag teaming school/work so one of us finishes at 1 am most nights (3am for me yesterday). It's exhausting, but to us, it's important and worth it.