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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No hope

34 replies

Headspinner2020 · 10/06/2020 23:59

Never done a self pity post but here it goes.

Suddenly I just feel alone.

I'm a child of an affair, although my parents have been together for 50 odd years (still are) my dad has another family. One daughter and a son (older) They dont know about me. My dad is really ill...I'm worried about things coming to a head. He won't tell them meaning if worse comes to the worse they'll find out at his funeral. One I won't have any say or part of organising. In fact, not even an invite!

I've just realised I'm second best in everything. My relationship, my family. I suddenly just feel sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:00

There were paragraphs before I pressed send

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 11/06/2020 00:04

Oh heck, that is a horrible situation to be in. Hugs. You are NOT second best though - god knows why he won't tell them, but it reflects on him, not you.

Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:13

It's so complex. I had such a happy childhood. Even now my dad is the most peaceful, generous kindest man. But a coward also. I guess he didn't think through the impact of living a double life.

I really do feel second best.

OP posts:
ChipotleBlessing · 11/06/2020 00:18

Is he still living this double life? So his other kids don’t know about your mum either?

ErrolTheDragon · 11/06/2020 00:22

Thankssorry, sounds like a horrible situation for you.

But his can your dad's other family really be 'the best' if he can't even be honest with them now?

Throckmorton · 11/06/2020 00:26

People are very complex creatures. They often cannot give us what we deserve, or even what they want to give us. He's created an insane situation (if I read you right that he has two current families, one of which knows nothing about the other) which there isn't a way out of. I suspect he loves all his children equally and cannot see a way to get reveal the truth of this situation without losing at least some of them. He's being selfish but all too humanly fallible. Another way to look at it is that his other children could, if they knew the situation, feel second best to you as he "left" their family unit for the sake of the one with you in it. Neither view would be what is probably the truth - he loves you all and is trapped in an insane situation of his own making. Too kind, and too cowardly, to pick one of two women. Regarding the worst case scenario, does your mum have any thoughts on how to deal with what will happen if he dies with all of this in the air? I assume that you will at least be able to support each other?

Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:34

Thanks for the support everyone.

Yes,he is still living a double life. But he is getting v old. I'm in my early forties with children. I guess I'm beginning to realise the impact it will have on everyone when he dies.

I know the names of his other children (in their 40's to early 50's). I found them on SM. They have these amazing lives and look so happy. I know that when they find out they'll be devastated. But I can't just not say anything when he dies... I need to be able to grieve too.

My mum regrets the situation and agrees it should have been delt with years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:36

My mum will support me but wont go to his funeral. Nobody knows about her either.

My dad has never lived with us but I saw him every day except Christmas time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:37

I'm sorry about lack of paragraphs. It doesn't work for some reason.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 11/06/2020 00:40

How did he see you every day when you were a child?

Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:43

He worked in my mums area so stayed with us until 9pm. Not weekends though.

OP posts:
Crystaltree · 11/06/2020 00:43

They might not be devastated. They might be happy to meet you. They might have suspected something all along. There might have been other affairs. I think you need to talk to your mum about the possibility of revealing the truth sooner rather than waiting for his death. He created this situation but he's no longer strong enough to force its continuance.

Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 00:45

I'm too scared Chrystaltree. If they dont talk to him then it's on my conscience.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 11/06/2020 00:45

Oh crikey, that is so tough. All I can suggest is that this mess is of his making, and that you and his other children are all victims of this mess in different ways. Whatever you decide to do afterwards as regards telling them or not, I would have a think about ways you could handle it if you didn't go to the funeral, as although you have every right to be there, I can't see that being there will go any way other than badly. Could you and your mum commemorate him in some way special to you? No one can take away the fact he loves you enough to have tried to make this crazy situation work.

Crystaltree · 11/06/2020 02:23

@Headspinner2020

I'm too scared Chrystaltree. If they dont talk to him then it's on my conscience.
When a parent is teetering on the final brink of life, it does put a lot of things in perspective: I think it's highly unlikely that your half siblings would cut contact with a very poorly old man (especially one who might leave them money!). The other thing to bear in mind right now is that he might not even get a proper funeral. When people die at the moment it's like they just disappear into the ether. Also, do you know if he has made proper provision for your mother, or whether all the money goes to the other family? Personally I would ask him about that.

I hear that you feel second best, but don't let the Fakebook facades of the siblings cause you to be intimidated by their 'perfect' lives. If I found out I had a secret sister, I'd be over the moon. Someone I know did, and they had such a lovely time finding out things they had in common, which were spookily similar, such as doing the same crossword every week. The fact that the sister was the product of a liaison couldn't have been less important.

longtimecomin · 11/06/2020 03:24

You deserve to be more than a secret, his other family must have noticed him not being around much? It sounds like love if your mum and dad have seen each other all this time. Just go to the funeral.

LilQueenie · 11/06/2020 03:45

I'd say its time to take your life back. better it comes out now than later. you don't deserve to live a lie. I assume your parents had you lie or avoid people too keep the secret something no child should have to do.

Casino218 · 11/06/2020 04:22

Wow how did he maintain that situation all those years? I'm sorry you are in this. It's not your fault but it's a difficult time for others to deal with it as it's not their doing either. There will be strong emotions. Maybe over time they will accept it.

lljkk · 11/06/2020 05:23

Your dad needs to find a reason to have you invited to the funeral. He made this mess, he needs to work out a solution that respects your right to grieve. I don't care how sick he is, time to man up.

googlepoodle · 11/06/2020 06:06

How does he see you and your mum now if he is very old and sick. Surely he can’t still be staying with your mum until 9pm and are you not now in a separate household?

googlepoodle · 11/06/2020 06:08

I think this must have been awful for you as a child. Having a dad but not really. It was an awful situation to put a child in.

understandmenow · 11/06/2020 06:10

This is very very sad, so badly thought through by your father.

I'm not sure if the answer but I'm sure you don't deserve to be a secret.

Have you had counselling? You've a lot to deal with. Thanks

Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 07:25

So many replies. Thank you, I appreciate them all.

To answer a few..

No he doesn't stay until 9 now, the lockdown has been a perfect excuse to retreat back. I havent seen him for months either obviously, just phone calls so he can speak to the grandkids etc. I live with my own family not my mum.

No provisions made for us. My mum is well off so she will provide inheritance for me. Not that I worry about that.

I dont think his other son and daughter would accept it in his lifetime. They've been lied to all their life.

I could obviously not go to funeral. But he's my dad, i don't think I'd cope mentally not being part if it. Perhaps that's selfish of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headspinner2020 · 11/06/2020 07:28

Its suddenly hit me that I dont feel I belong. Ive suffered severe depression and I'm starting to wonder if my dad and the situation played a part in that. Subconsciously -seeing as I always felt I had a good upbringing

OP posts:
understandmenow · 11/06/2020 07:29

I could obviously not go to funeral. But he's my dad, i don't think I'd cope mentally not being part if it. Perhaps that's selfish of me.

No that's not selfish of you, you are his daughter and you have the right to grieve.

Unfortunately your DF is an extremely selfish man.

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