No hope

[Headspinner2020]

Never done a self pity post but here it goes.

Suddenly I just feel alone.

I'm a child of an affair, although my parents have been together for 50 odd years (still are) my dad has another family. One daughter and a son (older) They dont know about me. My dad is really ill...I'm worried about things coming to a head. He won't tell them meaning if worse comes to the worse they'll find out at his funeral. One I won't have any say or part of organising. In fact, not even an invite!

I've just realised I'm second best in everything. My relationship, my family. I suddenly just feel sad.

@Headspinner2020
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Its suddenly hit me that I dont feel I belong. Ive suffered severe depression and I'm starting to wonder if my dad and the situation played a part in that. Subconsciously -seeing as I always felt I had a good upbringing*

Please access the help of a good counsellor to pick this over and work through it.

Googlepoodle- no really as a child. I didnt know any different. It was my normal. He did most of the usual dad things.

Thank you 'understandmenow' I appreciate that

Oh op how utterly heartbreaking for you.

It certainly brings a whole new outlook on children born as a result of an affair. I've always sympathised with the wife and children, however your situation is awful and must be so hard? It's obviously had a huge impact on your life.

If you want to go to the funeral then do so, he is your father and you will need closure. But I'd also recommend you speak to a councillor as it will stir up all sorts of emotions when you see his other family.

If his other family find out after his death then it also puts them in a position of never being able to talk to him about it

What a selfish man

Your siblings should see that none of this is your fault as should you. They may be pleased to get to know you and your children and it would be a shame to not be given this chance. Maybe your father seeing you all getting on before he passes may be a huge relief for him.
I say go for it, you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
Good luck

I would consider contacting your half siblings now, before he dies. The deserve to know the truth and to hear it from him. Once he’s no longer there they will also have no closure.

Secrets and Lies ( an excellent film) are poisonous. He has held all the cards for so long. Take them back and do so without spite or malice but to clean a festering wound.

Of course you may be ignored or rejected but you will be known and if your father has an ounce of decency he will tell them you are loved and important. It’s even possible you may, in time, form a relationship.

It shd all be outed. I found out 3 years ago about a grown up half sister (she was 27 year old at the time. Me early 30s) Was more pissed at my dad than her. She did not ask to be born. We are not close but I don't begrudge her existence and will see her over holidays now during family gatherings. I think it was important for her to feel like she belonged. I am however grateful that my dad disclosed this to us so me and my siblings all know.

ETA none of us were pissed at her at all. None of it is/was her fault.

This is me being an amateur psychologist and sorry, but you have 2 griefs here. Grief that he will die, and you may not be welcome at the funeral. Also grief that the childhood you thought was happy at the time was really based on deception and dishonesty. You do need to see a counsellor, I think, but in your own time.

I also think you have not given yourself credit for breaking this cycle, creating an honest and happy family life for yourself. Avoiding bitterness with your mum. I read again the title of the thread and it made me so sad. You have made your own hope, your own future. You aren't second best.

Something came to mind I don't know why. Remember when Nadja won the bake off. And everyone assumed that because she was shy and a stay at home mom in an arranged marriage that her husband and kids must have been gobsmacked at her achievement? An interviewer asked him a leading question about what he thought: hubby said "She's always been a winner to us". That somehow came to mind. No way do your kids and partner think you are second best.