To tell my mum to back off

[NameChange564738]

Am I being unreasonable to tell my mum My thoughts and to back off and stop laying it on so thick?

Context:
Divorced from my Father when I was preteen because she decided to up and move herself 200 miles away from the family home and expected to remain a family unit.

Maintained contact through teens and twenties, then she moved another 200 miles further so totally just short of 400 from her original and my current location. Not long after her move me and DH found out we were pregnant After trying for a year, she’s been nuts ever since.

Sending enormous texts about how she’s upset she can’t be close and ‘do all the things mummys do for their daughters when pregnant’, she wanted to be at the birth instead of DH, she wanted to live with us for a few weeks after birth.. (what even is that?!)

Did she not give up all that apparent closeness when moving away before I’d hit my teens? I don’t feel like we’re close in the sense she’s talking about. It would almost be like a stranger at the birth, luckily lockdown has put an end to some of her demands but she’s making me feel shitty.

I am on the brink of saying something and finally speaking my mind. She has even taken to sending extremely long texts to DH in an attempt to get him to sneakily inform her I’m in labour so she can come down.

Finally I get texts saying that when I’m a mum I will understand why she is the way she is and quite frankly I couldn’t feel more opposite, I wouldn’t want to spend a second away from my baby, let alone move hundreds of miles away when they’re still figuring life out.

Argh, do I have an open chat or leave it and forget how I feel?

@Tappering it’s not a decision I ever would or could make and I absolutely think it’s up to the OP to decide how and if they grow a closer relationship out of what the currently have now.
Just playing devils advocate 🤷‍♀️ Sometimes it’s good to hear different view points and experiences. I hope that is in some small way helpful OP but if not please feel free to ignore. Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and your family. I think what I’m trying to say is just don’t close yourself off to the possibility of your relationship ever improving even if right now is not the time.

She’s got a bloody key to our home.
Gosh OP. In your situation I'm unsure if have had her actually staying in my home and need a key. That doesn't sound the sort of relationship you had as she left you when you were so young. Now even if you asked fir your keys back there's no guarantee she won't have cut a backup set. I'd be inclined to change the locks so she's not waiting in your home when you bring the baby back from hospital!

Also tell your husband he should be very careful about giving out information about your lives (to her specifically or on social media) including the date and location of where you'll e going into labour. Does he NEED to be in contact / could he block her number?

she wanted to be at the birth instead of DH,
What on Earth?? That's incredibly selfish weird thinking. Hope that idea was thoroughly quashed. Why in God's name (or anybody else's) would she think that acceptable?

What does your DH think of all this?

What happened about your step brother when she left you all? Was he living with you then? Are you still in contact with him?

Totally agree with FizzyGreenWater also. Be brave OP and be CLEAR so she can't claim to misunderstand.

I hope all goes well for the birth and afterwards.🌷

My word she sounds like hard work. Victim complex much? She sounds extremely selfish.

My partner's mother is similar and I eventually blew up and now have no contact with her. She moved abroad despite my partner having very concerning health issues for which we were having no luck in getting anywhere with a diagnosis and constantly bombarded me with messages about how worried she was, how she was on the verge on a nervous breakdown despite it being me (and my mother) undertaking extensive care fi
for him (as well as me looking after our then 2 year old and working full time.). Constantly commenting on my mum's photos of my daughter on SM how 'lucky' she is to be able to spend so much time with her when she was the one who moved away - through choice, not necessity, I should add. Plagued me with calls and messages and lamented how 'far away' she was after my partner had brain surgery - he'd been in hospital for a month by this point and she hadn't bothered to come back to the UK. Always the victim, always has things so much worse without bothering to lift a finger or think about just who it is they're whining for sympathy to

This is just a very brief snapshot of a whole catalogue of events, but I'm done with her and so much happier for it. Selfish and entitled people are a complete drain on your mental health.

@Badassmama I don't think she is closed off. It sounds as if she's understandably frustrated that someone who walked out of her life, now wants the privilege that comes along with being a close and active participant. And that instead of being respectful of boundaries, her Mother is so convinced that she's entitled to play the role of Doting Granny that she's not stopped to consider for one moment whether that's what the OP wants.

@Tappering I’m not actually disagreeing with you?