To tell my mum to back off

[NameChange564738]

Am I being unreasonable to tell my mum My thoughts and to back off and stop laying it on so thick?

Context:
Divorced from my Father when I was preteen because she decided to up and move herself 200 miles away from the family home and expected to remain a family unit.

Maintained contact through teens and twenties, then she moved another 200 miles further so totally just short of 400 from her original and my current location. Not long after her move me and DH found out we were pregnant After trying for a year, she’s been nuts ever since.

Sending enormous texts about how she’s upset she can’t be close and ‘do all the things mummys do for their daughters when pregnant’, she wanted to be at the birth instead of DH, she wanted to live with us for a few weeks after birth.. (what even is that?!)

Did she not give up all that apparent closeness when moving away before I’d hit my teens? I don’t feel like we’re close in the sense she’s talking about. It would almost be like a stranger at the birth, luckily lockdown has put an end to some of her demands but she’s making me feel shitty.

I am on the brink of saying something and finally speaking my mind. She has even taken to sending extremely long texts to DH in an attempt to get him to sneakily inform her I’m in labour so she can come down.

Finally I get texts saying that when I’m a mum I will understand why she is the way she is and quite frankly I couldn’t feel more opposite, I wouldn’t want to spend a second away from my baby, let alone move hundreds of miles away when they’re still figuring life out.

Argh, do I have an open chat or leave it and forget how I feel?

My mum too op. Moved to Scotland (zero friends or family for her there, we are all on the South coast) and continually wants me to visit. Also comes and stays for too long...way too long....has annoyed her sisters with over-long visits, and is super insecure about friendships so she has nobody else to stay with. Exhausting. I love guests for a few days but she wants far longer than that. Now mid 70's and won't consider moving close to ALL the rest of her family. Even covid has not caused her to think. Super looking forward to having to deal with selling her house remotely when she gets to her 80's. I guess I sound really mean, but she was hard work when I was growing up and a bit crap when I had babies. Which is fine, but I really resent the wailing about not seeing enough of me.

Some super advice here and definitely some aspects I hadn’t even thought of.

We stayed in contact the whole time she’s been away, I never resented her for any decision she made but I’ve always been clear there are obviously consequences in our relationship because of it in regards to closeness, I’d say we’ve seen each other on average every 6 months over those 20 years so there’s been regular stay overs and ours/hers. I’ve noticed when she’s feeling bad about it there will come an extravagant gift of some variety for me or DH.

Pen and paper in hand.. putting my thoughts down before she rocks up as I come out of hospital and it all goes wrong. She’s got a bloody key to our home.

Why has she got a key? It's not even as if she lives round the corner and it might be helpful! Time to change your lock I think.

What an appallingly selfish woman she sounds. Telling her how you feel is long overdue.

I went nc with a dm who rewrote my childhood.

Change the locks. You can always tell her you lost a set of keys and that's why.

Firstly , Change the locks.
Secondly , Tell her straight how you felt when she moved, how you felt growing up with no support, how you feel now that shes trying to muscle back in

Oh @NameChange564738 been there with this. After many attempts over the years, I found success with a straightforward approach.

Just tell her kindly, but firmly. You don't feel close (for all the reasons above) and you need time to build trust with her as a grandparent. Don't feel guilty and be honest with yourself about what you need and how you will best achieve this.

Listen to what she responds with, ignore anything that's spiteful from her. Literally do not respond to any nastiness. I used to send one message back 'when you're ready to talk rationally, I'll respond'. Then I'd ignore anything until she could talk nicely.

Don't feel guilty and set your boundaries. Good luck.

She saw you as little as twice a year when you were a teenager? That’s really hard, and I’m impressed that you don’t any resentment for that, I wonder if you decided not to let her hurt you? Your feelings are completely valid. I wonder how much you becoming a mother yourself is bringing up your feelings? Realising how much that bond means?

I agree she shouldn’t have access to your house.

Change the locks!

Just saw that she has a key. Be clear with her @NameChange564738.

Something like:

Mum, I know you want to be there for us when the baby arrives. It's appreciated, but I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming.
It was kind of you to offer to come and stay, but we need time to ourselves after the baby is born.
We do need to have a talk about boundaries, I understand you're feeling guilty about being so far away. However, these texts are too much and we need to find a way forward that's acceptable to us all.

Honestly? If you want to end up with any kind of workable relationship with her as a granny and a person in your lives (and by 'workable' I mean one that REALLY HONESTLY works for you, not one characterised by you keeping your mouth shut) - then I would sit down, and write a long letter where you give it to her with both barrels. The whole lot.

She'll hate it, you'll fall out. But better to do that now, before the baby, and before you see her again. The fact that she's making you feel bad to get what she wants out of the relationship is all you need to know. This is a woman who put herself first. And now she's doing it again. She made your childhood harder by moving away, whether she likes it or not. She let you down. Tell her, straight. Then tell her that while you don't hold it against her, it DOES mean that she has absolutely nowhere to go with the 'I am mummy, I need to be there - you need me there' stuff. No. She removed that kind of relationship from the options when she left you, she wants it back now because she feels she might miss out? Sorry- she made her choices, she lives with them now. YOU will be the one deciding on the kind of relationship you're comfortable with and it won't be the fantasy one in her head.

If you don't say these things, you know, I think, that you will get so angry at her - once again - putting herself before you and pushing her way in- that you'll fall out properly. Then you'll say things that aren't so measured and it will all be a very different story.

Change your locks and tell her you've done so.

Tell her that there is no way that your DH will tell her that you are in labour and that if she shows up at the hospital you will probably cut contact, as you will not be able to deal with such an overt display of her putting herself before what you want and need, yet again.

Tell her that this really is the acid test. When you were growing up, she did what she wanted for herself and told herself that it was actually great and fine for you. It wasn't. Now, she's on the brink of doing it again. But now you're an adult and here to tell her that it's not the way relationships work. She will either listen, and change - or she will steamroller. Send the letter and then let her show you if she really is prepared to put her child's needs first this time.

Does she have a personality disorder? Is there something else going on there? I mean it is staggering that she can simply who the wash her whole past behaviour and decide to be a doting Grannie?!?

I wouldn’t have it.

I would change the locks too. ASAP

Is this do-over time for her? Did she lack support from her own mum when she had your brother / you?
You seem to have your head screwed on regarding her, and the fact that your relationship is affected by her choice to move away. Don't worry if she thinks she should be at the birth, or others want their mum there, you can set your own boundaries (which don't have to be all or nothing, there are in betweens)

Do you know why she left OP?

I have a friend who had to leave the family home as her husband refused to move out or sell after having numerous affairs. She bought a flat close by and was there each day to get the girls up and make them breakfast and dinner. She never told them what happened but 20 years on the eldest has worked it out. He kindly told her last year how he had hidden his pension and what it was.

As to your mum, of course she is feeling guilty and would like to play a bigger part in your life but distance precludes that and she knows she is unlikely to be able to move back.

Shit this thread is like therapy !

I’m not sure if she’s got a personality disorder.. certainly not qualified to comment, possibly?

Key was given so when she visits she can leave what ever time she likes whilst we’re at work and just let herself in rather than leave late in the day and maybe hit traffic.

@OldBean2 she moved for a job, nothing spectacular or niche. Teaching. Would initially come back for weekends but few months later DF broke down and told her he wanted a divorce. There was no infidelity on either side.

Interesting now you mention it, it’s something she’s repeated Every decade or so.. being all set up with a ‘family/home’ then Out of the blue looking far afield for work And actually bloody applying for the jobs/getting interviews. Except with her current DH she chose not to move away for work when the opportunity arose.

I didn’t mean teaching isn’t spectacular, hell, I certainly aren’t brave enough to do it. But I mean there are of course opportunities everywhere and not just far a field. Rather than if there were a specific location for a role like on an oil rig in the North Sea or something..

I think you should be prepared for the fact that having a child of your own may trigger some unresolved feelings about your own childhood.

Agree with others about
A. Getting your key back
B. Writing down some of your feelings

Good luck

could you change the door lock to one that self locks when you close it so she doesn't need a key? definitely tell her, she'll ruin your first days with baby if you don't talk now.

I think the fact that she is so persistent, selfish, self absorbed and trying to guilt you needs drastic action.

Fortunately @FizzyGreenWater has it all done for you👏👍.

Your mother is trying to foist her needs on you again.

I think she needs telling, plainly.

She either cops herself on or you block.her till she does.

Either way she sounds like a dose.

Best of luck OP.

I would be honest with her.

Tell her that she chose to take a huge step out of your life when you were in your teens. And that whilst you care for her and want a relationship with her, it's too late for her to try and reinsert herself back into the centre of things. Tell her that the pace of the relationship will be driven by you, and that she does not have the right to badger you incessantly because she wants to be involved with everything. That this is your pregnancy, not hers and that if she continues to try and guilt trip you, then you will pull away from her even further. And that if she has a problem with any of this, then she has only herself to blame, as this is a natural consequence of her removing herself from your life when you were a child.

Oh and change the locks and tell her you have done so, just in case she has any silly ideas about making a grand gesture.

Ok, devil’s advocate here- I moved 200 away from my family After my Dad died, for work. It lead to my mum and I not being as close/spending time together. I always thought we’d get a chance to repair that and when I became pregnant I thought “here is our opportunity”, I thought we would have this whole new shared experience and be able to bond in a new way as new people. To forge a closer relationship based on us as individuals rather than a parent child dynamic that had been thrown so out of sync. She got really ill and by the time I had my baby had stopped driving. We found out a month later it was probably cancer. She died 2 months after that.
Just... something to think about maybe?

@Badassmama I think the dynamic is rather different when it's a grown child who leaves home and moves away from where they grew up. Would you up and move 200 miles away from your child whilst they were only in their teens, and still expect a close relationship with them?

I never understand why mil’s have the DH’s phone number. Under what circs does that happen?

I like Fizzygreenwater’s answer. Remove key, tell her why, put boundaries in place. Don’t let her ruin your first (any!) weeks of being a mother.