To have called DH out on this regarding his children?

[PinkDogPurpleCow]

Two DSC.

I have always felt that DH favours one of them and quite noticeably too. He will always talk about DSC2 as if they are the most amazing thing in the world (which I get when they are your kids but I mean he only really talks about DSC2 like this), it's also quite noticeable when the two children argue, he will nearly always take DSC2s side even if they are both wrong, it's always 'DSC1 is older and should know better' despite them being barley any difference in age and definitely both old enough to know better. He babies DSC2 a lot, wants cuddles from them etc... But never asks DSC1 (who is only a year older) and I am fairly certain that DSC1 is starting to notice too which makes me angry and sad for them.

Anyway the other evening we were talking about the children and he started off again on a big long ramble about how brilliant DSC2 is, such a character, so funny etc etc.

I just kind of blew a bit and asked if he realises how much he comes across as if DSC2 is his favourite? I pointed out all of the things above too.

He is upset with me now basically saying I don't understand because I don't have kids and if I did I'd know that you don't have 'favourites', that he does think DSC2 is all of the things he said so why can't he say that?

I've said I didn't for a second say he isn't all of those things but that DSC1 also has lots of lovely traits that never really get spoken about, he never seems to be as lovey towards them, doesn't speak about them to other people as often etc... And I just don't like it.

He's now saying he feels he can't say nice things about DSC2 in front of me That wasn't my point at all! Was IBU?

I agree with @TerrorWig, your DH's response is very telling indeed. He's still favouring DSC1 in his argument! He shouldn't be considering "bigging up" DSC2 less, rather "bigging up" DSC1 more.

Poor DSC1... it's difficult as you're the Stepmum, so getting involved in talking to DSC1 isn't as easy as it may have been if you were their DM. I would probably, however, try and have a quiet chat with them and without specifically mentioning the point, tell them that you're always there if they need a chat or even just a hug and that you appreciate them very much.

YANBU OP.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil. If DSC2 is more "out there" and makes more noise, he will get more attention, but that doesn't mean DH should overlook DSC1. As a PPs have said: DSC1 will definitely have noticed the difference in their treatment, and secondly, if DH continues to treat them so differently he is potentially ruining their future adult relationship with one another.

@Rainycloudyday It is off putting. Yes.

It’s not so much that he treats DSS badly (He’s lovely but has his threenager moments that just cannot be ignored); it’s more that he seems to be terrified of upsetting DSD in any way. And he feels less guilty about telling off a small person with his ex’s face.

And it wasn’t always so bad (although she’s clearly always been everyone’s favourite and a bit spoilt). At new year his ex decided to stop all contact because she wanted more maintenance (she is truly awful, and basically she wanted to give him every Friday night and nothing else because then she’d get a Friday night out each week and maximise the maintenance due - she couldn’t hide the motivation when they went to mediation). But a result is that he decided that he couldn’t possibly do anything to upset DSD in case it gave his ex a pretext to totally deny contact again. DSD has been complaining to her mum about perfectly reasonable parenting techniques (I.e. standard consequences for bad behaviour) that she didn’t like.

So all the boundaries and strategies that we’d put in place went out the window and DP became unwilling to do anything more than give her the mildest ‘please don’t do that’. And, alongside that, decided that he needed to buy her loads of stuff (she’s the kind of kid who walks round every single shop saying ‘I want that and that and that’ and who throws tantrums if she’s not bought a treat in the gift shop after a nice day out) and cater to her every whim.

So, as you can imagine, her behaviour has become really atrocious.

I haven’t run because I do understand the motivation (he’s scared of losing them). Although there is just an element of laziness alongside the need to be fun super dad (he doesn’t like the constant boundary maintenance required to get behaviour to a decent ongoing level). But it’s been tough. And he likes to claim I’m showing favouritism towards my DS (who behaves better, but who does regularly experience the consequences of bratty tweenage behaviour - usually in the form of withdrawal of electronic privileges) rather than acknowledging that DSD’s behaviour is awful.

Anyway, we’ve got the DSC tonight and DP is sticking to his agreement to step up and parent. He’s had to admit that DSD’s behaviour is dire. He took the DSC out and had to take her aside to talk to her about doing what she’s told, after her just ignoring him repeatedly. Then she was really naughty at dinner and ignored warnings about consequences. So she’s gone to bed with no fun stuff.

DP did say he felt better for being more involved rather than trying to ignore everything but fuming about things. And he had obviously noticed that DSD fears no consequences at all for her behaviour. So hopefully he’ll keep it up and things will improve.

I personally have noticed that shy, quiet children are often forgotten and aren't often the favourite. I have observed this amongst many of my friends.

My mum favours my brother and it is very hurtful. She makes a lot of allowances for him and comments how independent I am. I had to be as was left to get on with it most of the time.

Telling you you don’t understand because you don’t have children of your own was shitty, unkind and stupid. You were a child. You’re a person with eyes.

I was a stepmum before I had my own with DH and he’s always valued my opinion precisely because I have a little distance. While I love the kids they’re not mine and I’m a bit more objective - about their good and bad bits!

One of his DC is much more like him than the other, in looks and character. She’s also the more helpful, engaged, involved, and equally more demanding and needy. She’s the one who has to help if you’re cooking, gardening etc while the other DC is charming and hilarious but none idle and happy moving as little as possible. A while ago I told DH that I think he’s harder on the helping child for not finishing things she’s started, when actually she deserves credit for pitching in the first place, even if it’s because she likes the company, while SS wouldn’t be arsed to get involved in the first place. I hope that makes sense. He said he hadn’t noticed, but thanks for pointing it out, he’d watch himself in future and make sure she knows he appreciates her help, even if she starts something then wanders off half way through. It was a calm pleasant discussion between two people who both love a child, albeit in different ways. No arguments or resentment.

Sorry he’s been a dick to you.

OP,
You sound like a lovely woman.

You have challenged your husband and he has defended his position.

I would revisit the conversation and ask has he reflected on whatvyou have said and is it going to inform his behaviour going forward?

If he continues to argue the point I would think very hard before having children with someone like him and I would have a good hard look at him.

Hard to respect a man who refuses to be told anything.

You sound like a caring sensible stepmum.

You may not be able to change your partners behaviour, but if your dsc1 sees you sticking up for them and being proud of them it can only help.

The thing is this crappy treatment is probably at the very least increasing the shyness, if not causing it.

Make a child feel like they're the best thing ever and they'll be overflowing with self confidence. Make them feel shit and unloved and funnily enough they won't be confident.

That is so sad. I would definitely reconsider a life with children with this man. It would be one of three things: your joint singular child will be favoured above all causing resentment from it's half siblings, your joint children would be favoured one over the other causing hurt and resentment or your kid/s would be ignored like their eldest half-sibling.

To have a favourite is one thing but to actually show it in any way at all? Nasty and vile.

I always tell my son he is my favourite child.

I also tell the very same to my daughters. It's a family joke. They're always my favourite when we're alone and collectively I joke I can't stand the buggers at all.

Each of my three are different. Massively so. DD13 is just like my sister who I don't get on with. DD10 is just like me in every way. DS8 is my little mummy's boy baby. I still adore them all equally in completely different ways. Your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work. Don't stop bringing it up with him every single time. Stand up for the eldest. Let them know you're here for them.

I don't think all parents have favourited either as a previous poster said
I know I certainly don't , my two are like chalk and cheese but I dont favour one over the other
Some days I might like one more than the other due to how they are reacting but this will switch
I like there different personalities my oldest is shy youngest a lot more of an extrovert but they are their own characters and I wouldn't want one to be more like the other or vice versa
Op I think great you have pointed this out to him and you do sound like a great stepmum who has the kids interests at heart

I don’t have a favourite either. It would be like having a favourite finger.

I have 3 kids and definitely do not have a favoured. Absolutely not! I find it hard to believe that people do have favourites. And very sad.

Ps you sound like you’re doing a great job OP!!