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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have called DH out on this regarding his children?

62 replies

PinkDogPurpleCow · 10/06/2020 16:09

Two DSC.

I have always felt that DH favours one of them and quite noticeably too. He will always talk about DSC2 as if they are the most amazing thing in the world (which I get when they are your kids but I mean he only really talks about DSC2 like this), it's also quite noticeable when the two children argue, he will nearly always take DSC2s side even if they are both wrong, it's always 'DSC1 is older and should know better' despite them being barley any difference in age and definitely both old enough to know better. He babies DSC2 a lot, wants cuddles from them etc... But never asks DSC1 (who is only a year older) and I am fairly certain that DSC1 is starting to notice too which makes me angry and sad for them.

Anyway the other evening we were talking about the children and he started off again on a big long ramble about how brilliant DSC2 is, such a character, so funny etc etc.

I just kind of blew a bit and asked if he realises how much he comes across as if DSC2 is his favourite? I pointed out all of the things above too.

He is upset with me now basically saying I don't understand because I don't have kids and if I did I'd know that you don't have 'favourites', that he does think DSC2 is all of the things he said so why can't he say that?

I've said I didn't for a second say he isn't all of those things but that DSC1 also has lots of lovely traits that never really get spoken about, he never seems to be as lovey towards them, doesn't speak about them to other people as often etc... And I just don't like it.

He's now saying he feels he can't say nice things about DSC2 in front of me Hmm That wasn't my point at all! Was IBU?

OP posts:
Oly4 · 10/06/2020 16:36

You sound like a brilliant stepmum, we’ll done for pulling him up on this.
If it’s noticeable to you, it will certainly be noticeable to his least favourite child.
Don’t let that child grow up feeling less loved or admired.

choli · 10/06/2020 16:36

All parents have favorites. Some are more adept at hiding it than others.

Original poster
PinkDogPurpleCow · 10/06/2020 16:36

@Elsiebear90

I think parents often favour the child that is most like them, well in my experience anyway, my fiancée is the scapegoat for her mother because she looks and acts like her father, her brother is the golden child because he looks and acts like her. My parents won’t admit it, but my brother is my mum’s favourite because he’s more like her, I’m my dad’s favourite because I’m more like him.

Is there any chance the child be favours is more like him and the other child is more like their mother?

No I'd say the opposite to be honest. I'd say Sc1 is more like DH.

DSC2 is very out there though. Not shy at all, cheeky, very funny, misbehaves quite a lot but he does it in a way that make people laugh if that makes sense!

Whereas DSC1 is very well behaved, brilliant at learning, he is the cleverest child I've ever met, kind and quite shy and quiet.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 10/06/2020 16:39

all parents most certainly do not have favourite s and anyone who insists every single parent everywhere does and if they say they don't they're just hiding it is probably just trying to justify and normalise their own favouritism so they don't have to accept how damaging it is to their children.

Carpathian2 · 10/06/2020 16:40

No advice, but just to say you sound like a lovely step mum and my heart breaks for this child Thanks

Original poster
PinkDogPurpleCow · 10/06/2020 16:41

@choli

All parents have favorites. Some are more adept at hiding it than others.
I can understand this in the sense that you may have a child you get on with better or relate to better maybe? I guess if I were being totally honest I am probably closer to DSC1 myself as I find him very easy to have a relationship with (and I very rarely have to tell him off ha!!).

But I'd never dream of making it noticeable to the children or to anyone else. I always make sure that if they are both misbehaving they both get told, none of this 'you're older' BS.

They are different but they are both such good kids in their own ways.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 10/06/2020 16:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EL8888 · 10/06/2020 16:43

YANBU. Good on you for challenging him. It’s not fair on either child, especially the least favoured child. I am also the least favoured child so l know it’s not a pleasant feeling

Potionqueen · 10/06/2020 16:43

You sound like a lovely step mum.

EL8888 · 10/06/2020 16:43

Oh and a years age difference isn’t much Hmm

Crustaceans · 10/06/2020 16:45

It’s important to point it out OP. It’s a terrible family dynamic. And the ‘I can’t say nice things about DSC2’ is just an attempt at deflection.

My DP has a favourite child: DSD. In fact, his entire family (and his ex) all massively favour DSD. MIL is absolutely dreadful for it. It’s always been painfully obvious and I have, in the past, lost my shit over it and things have improved a bit.

I still feel terrible for DSS who DP is much happier to tell off than DSD (her behaviour is much worse than his, especially when you take into account that she’s 6 and he’s only 3). I get really irritated when I hear DP tell DSS he can’t do something and then 3 minutes later say yes to DSD. It’s just not fair.

At the heart of the issue seems to be that DSD looks much more like her father (although nowhere near as much as he and his family make out). Whereas DSS looks like his mother. DP has admitted that he sees his ex (who DP hates) when he looks at DSS and I have pointed out that it’s absolutely unacceptable to treat him differently because he looks like his mother. Whereas he looks at DSD and feels like he’s telling himself off or something.

It is a big, big problem. In fact his attitude towards DSD and his general refusal to parent effectively (laziness combined with Disney-style fathering) are the only thing we really fight about.

He gets really defensive and angry if I tell DSD off, but he just won’t do it, even if she’s throwing a temper tantrum (because everything is not all about her)/being purposefully nasty to her brother/lying to try to get DSS into trouble. If DSS throws a tantrum his dad ignores him (fair enough; tantrums should be ignored); if DSD throws a tantrum he starts pandering to her, asking what’s wrong and generally validating the behaviour.

Weirdly DP is aware that DSD just isn’t very nice to be around at the moment. And very little fun to spend time with (because of how she behaves). But he still massively favours her and doesn’t see that her behaviour is the result of his lack of willingness to parent her. He doesn’t like upsetting her by offering consequences and he can’t be bothered intervening before things have gotten completely out of hand. Indeed, he just wants to give her what she wants at all times (even where it’s unfair - often she just wants something to screw over her brother - or when she’s just been really badly behaved and actually needs a consequence not a special treat). It’s really not DSD’s fault that she’s spoiled and very hard work - it’s the adults around her who just don’t seem to want to sort out her attitude and behaviour.

He has promised to step up and actually parent more. We’ll see. It would be best for everyone (especially DSD) if he could stop the favouritism and be a proper parent (doing the bits that aren’t fun or that are necessary but ruin your afternoon).

lyralalala · 10/06/2020 16:46

It's almost like because DSC1 is good most of the time, he gets forgetten.

That happens a lot. School, clubs and in families. The quieter, well behaved child gets overlooked

MyDogPatch · 10/06/2020 16:47

My dad did this when my brother and I were younger. I was the golden child. My brother was the disappointment. Even now, in our middle-years, my Dad complains a lot about what DB has done or said. I personally think DB is a success. DF doesn't think so. It has caused lots of problems in the family and I have called DF out on it, so many times.

Stomachpains · 10/06/2020 16:51

It's almost like because DSC1 is good most of the time, he gets forgotten

That happens a lot. School, clubs and in families. The quieter, well behaved child gets overlooked

So agree with this!

Elsiebear90 · 10/06/2020 16:51

@Wearywithteens yes I agree, the opposite can be true too, maybe he sees a lot of traits he wished he had in DS2 and sees a lot of traits he wished he didn’t in DS1?

Either way it’s sh*t, and he needs to work on his behaviour and look at why he’s treating them so differently as this kind of thing can harm both children. My fiancée has huge self esteem issues because she was the scapegoat and her brother is a raging narcissist who thinks his narcissistic mother can do no wrong because he was her golden child.

LtJudyHopps · 10/06/2020 16:52

DSC1 will definitely have been forced to grow up a bit more because of the age difference. They’re expected to know better and do better. My younger sibling has been babied his whole life, neither of my parents have made him do anything for himself. He’s now nearly 19 and they want him to do things but he’s never had to before! Whereas I was expected to do things at a much younger age.

You sound like a great step mum! It was probably hard for your DH to hear but I absolutely think you’re right. Maybe it’s something you can bring up again when emotions are calmer so you can give him some examples from this thread of how much this could be hurting DSC1.

Piffle11 · 10/06/2020 16:53

My DM massively favoured my DSis (younger) when we were growing up. DF was pretty much indifferent to us both. I was always the well behaved, thoughtful child, who did what she was told: my sister was always more rebellious. Looking back, I often think that the reason my mother favoured my sister was because she admired this rebelliousness… My mother is more like me: shy, timid, anxious. I think I had all the qualities that my mother despised about herself. I could be wrong, of course. However, I noticed the difference in how we were treated, and I think you did the right thing to call out your husband on it.

Original poster
PinkDogPurpleCow · 10/06/2020 16:56

@Piffle11

My DM massively favoured my DSis (younger) when we were growing up. DF was pretty much indifferent to us both. I was always the well behaved, thoughtful child, who did what she was told: my sister was always more rebellious. Looking back, I often think that the reason my mother favoured my sister was because she admired this rebelliousness… My mother is more like me: shy, timid, anxious. I think I had all the qualities that my mother despised about herself. I could be wrong, of course. However, I noticed the difference in how we were treated, and I think you did the right thing to call out your husband on it.
You know I'd not really thought about it that way but a few of you have mentioned it now and I think it definitely could be something to do with it. DH is also very shy and quiet while DSC2 is not. So it could be something to do with admiring those traits because he wishes he was more like that. It's definitely something.
OP posts:
LycraLovingLass · 10/06/2020 16:56

A lot of people think DC3 is my favourite, I feel the need to big him up precisely because he is challenging and unlikeable to an extent and I know other adults don't like him. I am compensating so to speak.

Luckily there is an age gap and I have a great relationship with my older children and they know themselves that dc3 is difficult and it isn't a case of me favouring him but me being the only one that champions him.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 10/06/2020 17:06

YWNBU to say something. That kind of favoritism is damaging and hurtful.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/06/2020 17:12

Credit to you for pointing this out OP... you sound lovely caring empathetic and very aware... your Step kids are lucky you're there supporting them Flowers

sunflowersandtulips50 · 10/06/2020 17:17

I think its great that you have called him out. Thats a dreadful dynamic. I have 4 DC and they all have different traits and I dont have favourites. My OH did grow up in a household where him and his brother were pitched against each other, my OH was the golden DC and his grandmother treated him differently also. You should tell your DH that when his eldest grows up he will likely despise him. My BIL hated his grandmother with a passion and treats his father with indifference. Same way he was treated himself....

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 10/06/2020 17:27

I think DH should be very proud and happy that he has a wife who clearly loves his children enough to notice and mention it. It’s not fair what your husband is doing and it should be nipped in the bud before the children notice and it damages relationships.

TerrorWig · 10/06/2020 17:29

His response was very telling, wasn’t it?

It’s not what he can’t say about DC2, it’s about what he doesn’t say about DC1.

Hopefully he’ll think about it and recognise his behaviour needs to change or he risks alienating his son.

Rainycloudyday · 10/06/2020 17:50

OP just whatever you do don’t have a baby with this man. Observe how he parents his existing children and see the red flags. This is not good parenting.

@Crustaceans doesn’t that behaviour make you want to run a mile from your partner Confused I can’t fathom staying with and loving someone who could treat his child so horribly.

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