To be upset because my mum has done everything for my baby......

[Rivanshine]

....and I have done or hardly bought ANYTHING for my baby.....because she has beaten me to it EVERY time.

I tried to tell her once that she didn't need to get anything because me and DH would but she shouted at me for being ungrateful and selfish because no-one helped her when she had me years ago when she was a single mum at 16.

I'm 26. I have a husband. I have a mortgage. Up until the beginning of this month I worked full-time and was planning to use the hard earned money I saved to get my little girl what I wanted or could. But my mum has constantly made me feel like I am still a child and stupid. I once almost had a panic attack in Mothercare because just looking at things that I couldn't buy made me feel so low and inadequate.

I feel so bad now that I just want to give the baby to her when she's born and have done with it - and she can live with my mum and my other younger siblings. I can't take any of this anymore. I don't feel like i'm the baby's mother at all now - just a bystander really.

My DH doesn't know what to do. I have been crying non-stop since my mum left last night after dropping round yet more stuff (that I didn't ask her for) that I was leaving to the last minute to get next week. I was looking forward to picking out SOME THINGS for my daughter.

I haven't even been allowed to choose a selection of baby toiletries or nappies because those are part of the things she brought with her yesterday - all piled high in a baby bath that I told her not to get because we only live in a 1 bedroom flat and storage is tight.

Like I said - its not my baby anymore. My mum even went so far as to say how long 'we' (meaning the family) had been waiting for this baby. No - DH AND I WAITED for a long time for this baby after I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2005 and had to go through the fertility treatment.

I give up.

Sorry to bring you all down on a Sunday guys. Hope that you are all well and everything is going ok where you are.

Riv xx
37+5 weeks pregnant

I've only just seen this post and just wanted to say that I'm glad that you are feeling better today. It is tough, but just remember that this is your baby and you are this baby's Mummy - nothing will ever change that! Go shopping today and buy yourself something lovely and comfy to come home from hospital in and a lovely outfit for your baby to wear home (but remember, baby will probably throw up on said outfit before you get home )!

Good luck!

Congratulations on you becominga a mummy soon.

Glad you have come to terms with it all.

What we did was that we went out a bought our babies a cuddly toy each which we gave to them when they were born. The first thing they got was from us, it was a confort thing, and they will (probably) keep it for the rest of their lives.

Also we bought them one sleep suit each, so that the first thing they wore was something that their mummy and daddy had bought for them.

Your baby is not going to remember the pram or the crib or any of the clothes that they wear when they are that small anyway. However, when they look at that stuffed animal that you gave them when they were born and everytime they went to bed at night, they will think of you and your husband (even when they go for a sleep over at granny's house).

Rivan - yes, i do thnk you are dealing with a particularly potent mix of factors in your Mum - she probably feels she wasn't able to give you as much as she would have liked when you were a baby because of her young and single status, so is compensating now, comeptition with MIL, genuine excitement - and probably a pushy nature into the bargain!!

No amount of baby baths and bootees make your baby what he or she is, , I completely understand your upset that you feel you haven't been able to choose everything ...but do it anyway! Buy something very lovely and special for your baby to wear when first born, a first toy, first outfit etc.

And don't allow your Mum to visit until the baby has been dressed in your outfit. (don't call and tell her when you start labour - she will show up!!!) I spoke to my Mum on the phone when i was 7cm dilated and didn't let on that I was actually in labour!

Unless you are in labour, go out to the shops now - go one!

Glad the thread has been helpful. I agree that when the baby is here these things will seem less important. Babies are so entirely YOURS that interference from mum/MIL, while it may still be an issue, can't really impinge THAT much; because you are mum, and the baby is yours, and there's no doubting that when you're the one pacing the bedroom between 1 and 4am when the baby won't settle

lovely post rivan - happy you're feeling better

she's probably just excited. is it her first grandchild?

your mum would probably love to live closer and is maybe also anxious that she gets left out of things. Glad you feel happier.

You live in Braintree???? Me too. have a Mum & Dad who live next door sometimes (Spain most of the time) and PIL who live in Hampshire. Would be nice to talk to you more. I feel quite abandoned by family sometimes. Have 2 DDs aged 2 & 6, want to talk?? Loads of mother & Baby groups around too.

Oh my, I can't believe how people have jumped on you for posting this - I can relate to how you feel exactly, it is horrible and no, not unreasonable - some people are probably getting the hump because they know how hard it can be to have to buy everything yourself without the money, and so are fed up that you're seemingly complaining about this - however you're NOT complaining about the things being bought for you, it's her rude and insensitive behaviour in getting your daughter thing against your will, and taking over your new and as yet unexplored role as a mother, which has upset you so much.
Of course it's lovely to have gifts but only when offered in a spirit of kindness, according to what you might want, and your mother has been clearly overstepping the mark for some time!
I'm sorry but someone who blatantly ignores your wishes is not being kind. She has got it wrong, I'm sure she is totally unaware that it's the wrong approach despite being told, and YANBU whatsoever in feeling so upset.
Hormones or not, you feel deprived of the opportunity and experience which nearly all of us look forward to and enjoy so much - choosing your first child's things. I'm not surprised you are so upset.

I don't know what you can do but possibly put the things aside and pass them on to another sibling, friend etc. and don't hide the fact from your mum - if she sees you using your stuff, say 'we wanted this one, the one you bought was lovely but we decided on this' and if she shouts, ask her to leave as she has been told and will not listen, and you don't want to argue or upset her.
She needs to get the message somehow.

No exact experience I'm afraid, but my Mum was chosen everything for by my Dad's parents as they were so poor and lived in their house - even the way we were brought up was decided by them, she wasn't allowed to cuddle my sister, or breastfeed me, without loads of snide comments etc. and regrets being so easily led to this day - I don't blame her, she was under huge pressure and only 18.
She has never stepped in with buying for my children without asking first - well sometimes in other ways which I've briefly resented, as I'm single and feel inadequate as it is, but not to the extent of your ma and never regardless of my feelings.
HTH xx

Take care and enjoy your baby - ignore her gifts and buy your own. You can do what you like - you're an adult!