To be upset because my mum has done everything for my baby......

[Rivanshine]

....and I have done or hardly bought ANYTHING for my baby.....because she has beaten me to it EVERY time.

I tried to tell her once that she didn't need to get anything because me and DH would but she shouted at me for being ungrateful and selfish because no-one helped her when she had me years ago when she was a single mum at 16.

I'm 26. I have a husband. I have a mortgage. Up until the beginning of this month I worked full-time and was planning to use the hard earned money I saved to get my little girl what I wanted or could. But my mum has constantly made me feel like I am still a child and stupid. I once almost had a panic attack in Mothercare because just looking at things that I couldn't buy made me feel so low and inadequate.

I feel so bad now that I just want to give the baby to her when she's born and have done with it - and she can live with my mum and my other younger siblings. I can't take any of this anymore. I don't feel like i'm the baby's mother at all now - just a bystander really.

My DH doesn't know what to do. I have been crying non-stop since my mum left last night after dropping round yet more stuff (that I didn't ask her for) that I was leaving to the last minute to get next week. I was looking forward to picking out SOME THINGS for my daughter.

I haven't even been allowed to choose a selection of baby toiletries or nappies because those are part of the things she brought with her yesterday - all piled high in a baby bath that I told her not to get because we only live in a 1 bedroom flat and storage is tight.

Like I said - its not my baby anymore. My mum even went so far as to say how long 'we' (meaning the family) had been waiting for this baby. No - DH AND I WAITED for a long time for this baby after I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2005 and had to go through the fertility treatment.

I give up.

Sorry to bring you all down on a Sunday guys. Hope that you are all well and everything is going ok where you are.

Riv xx
37+5 weeks pregnant

Surely she just thinks she's being kind?
And isn't she?

You poor thing. She has completely taken over and utterly disempowered you at a time when you are already vulnerable and naturally anxious about the huge changes up ahead. No wonder you feel the way you do.

Someone needs to have a kind chat with her - could dh help you with this?

Don't be upset. Just keep the money for later when granny's wild enthusiasm will have worn off a little. Beleive babies need so little compared to later in their lives.

In fact keep it till he/she needs school shoes .

Riv - you can still go out and buy your little one a new outfit that you can choose to put on him/her anytime you want. Mums can be overbearing and pushy without realising it. You're probably feeling worse because you're hormonal and more touchy about things. Yes, your mum is being overbearing and too involved. You need to sit her down and have a straight talk with her. Sometimes you have to be strict otherwise you will get walked over.
You will be a great mum.
If you can't find the words, why not print out this thread and get her to read it? It could be a real eyeopener for her.
Hugs coming your way....

oh poor you! hormones! my MIL bought a huge box of baby stuff that i didn't want and then i felt guilty not using it! also they said they'd buy the cot - fine i thought we'd go shopping together but no her choice! and then when i wanted it put up in the nursery they were too busy to do it. ended up going into ealry labour and cot wasn't there when i got home!
have you told your mum how you're feeling? maybe ask if you can go shopping together so she can pay for these things but you can influnece her choices. Good luck!

Listen, there is one thing she cant take away from you no matter how hard she tries, - YOU will be giving birth to your daughter, not her!

TBH, she probably thinks she is being helpful,is this her first Grandchild?

Pick thro the things you like and ebay the rest, and get what you want.

My mother did this, to me when expecting my first, she knows I'll buy nice things so she goes out and buys turgid crap to prevent me...I merely offered it to friends (warnibng them of it's turgy crappiness), and gave the rest to charity, if she asks I go vague.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

It sounds to me like your mum is just trying to make sure that you don't need to be financially stretched like she was when she had you. Please remember there is more to motherhood than providing things. She will calm down, but she is obviously very excited for you and wants to share your happiness and the baby. Its irritating but it will calm down.
Ps you can never have too many nappies or toiletries! You could perhaps ask her to get a few in each size so that they last longer and you will still need to buy some each month. Believe me, with the cost of babies you will be glad she bought them later!

Talk to her and explain how you feel, she probably doesn't realise. With hormones raging things always seem twice as bad.

I must admit that this is my mum's first grandchild (and therefore I can understand that she's excited) but it is NOT the first time that she has used her 'overpowering' personality to do and say what she likes.

My wedding spings to mind actually!!!

Deep down I know that I am being illogical about everything (and hormonal!) and that I will possibly be very glad that she purchased certain items for the baby that I might not have thought I needed BUT......

I can't help having this feeling of helplessness and vulnerabilty at a time when surely I should be excited and anxious etc about the impending birth of my daughter?

It just seems that a little 'something' has been taken away from me before i've even had a chance to hop on the 'mummy rollercoaster' and find things out for myself!

MIL was completely uncomprehending as to why I didn't want to use everything she had lovingly saved from when her youngest was a baby. Clothes, cot, buggy, bath, changing mat, everything, all 15 years old and slightly musty. Looking back... I can see her point, but at the time I was very upset that she didn't want to let me choose a single thing for my pfb.

You may find that once the baby gets here, little details become very much less important. Sure, she gets the glory of choosing the nappies. You get to be a mummy.

Hey, sorry but YABU, and you should be grateful. There will always be stuff to buy for your baby / child as she grows up, and the "work" for yor baby hasn't actually even started yet.

If you don't like what she's bought for your dd, either take it back and exchange it, so as others have suggested, e-bay it!

Sorry if I seem really harsh, but just wait till your baby gets here, and you might actually appreciate having a M that actually cares and wants to help you out!

Look on the bright side my mum offered to buy the travel system and asked me how much the one was that I wanted, It was £300 ish when I first looked. However, when I went to get it it was reduced to £250 ish. My mum gave me the £250 but bought nothing else except 1 outfit until her first xmas when she spent £30 (her birth was Jan). She rarely treats her and only sees her about 4 times per year. Now I know you are thinking this is ungrateful but my parents have about £250,000 in the bank so are not short of a few quid. If it had been my grandchild I would have said, oh well put the £50 in her trust fund. But not my parents!

My dh is greek, and when he visited home while I was pregnant, he came back with his entire baggage allowance taken up by stuff his mum had bought. She has bought clothes for the baby up to a year old, much of which was nowhere near my taste. Also dummies (i hate them) changing mats, etc etc. Oh - there were two large boxes in the post as well.

My mum, on the other hand, bought some sleep suits.

Honestly, I was peed off with both of them - one for being controlling, one for not caring. In the end, though, I got to choose what I use and how I dress my child. Some very expensive baby stuff went unused, mostly cos my dd grew so fast that stuff didnt fit in the right season (she was born in the spring so winter clothes for a 3 month old were just daft), but sometimes cos it was just horrid.

I understand exactly how you feel, and while i agree a lot is hormones it doesnt make it feel any better.

tip - wait till the baby is born. use what you like. anything else, if your mother asks why the baby isnt wearing/using it, just say "because i dont like it"

Sometimes it will be tough and you will argue, but at 3 a.m. when you are feeding your baby and the rest of the world is asleep you won't care about your mum, his mum or anyone else. You will be mum, and only you and your baby will matter.

congratulations, enjoy the baby. Dont let this spoil the magic that will emerge from the numbness and hard work of those first weeks.

Sorry but I think all those of you critising Rivan arent being entirely fair. This situation is making her feel genuinely unhappy. Im sure she is glad to have some of the things her mum has bought. She is merely saying she would rather have some choice in the matter.

How would you feel if someone entirely took over something so precious as the decisions and choices most of us made when we had our first child.

Yes its a first grandchild but it is also a first baby for Rivan

Rivanshine - I can understand how you feel she has taken over. However, don't worry about not having bought anything for your baby - you'll still need to buy all sorts of things - I spent a lot of time in the shops when LO was small! My mum had 4 DCs and said she spent all her time shopping - so try not to worry about that part. You will get to pick out a lot of things for your DD in the future.

Also, YOU will be giving birth, not her, she can't do that for you.

If you are going to breast feed, she won't be able to do that either and you will keep hold of the baby.

Posters have made some good suggestions for surplus things - take things back to shop, eBay them, give them to friends/charity etc.

It's unlikely she's acting out of malice, she is just over keen - let her change a few shitty nappies!

There is a difference between granparents being generous with their money and granparents trying to use thier money to control.

Rivanshine, wants to be able to choose her daughter's clothes, cot, nappies etc. Money is not the issue. ITS Rivanshine's CHOICE. If Rivanshine's MIL wants to help financially maybe she could set up a standing order to save up for university education.

I am sure that things will calm down once the baby is a few months old.

I think sometimes soon to be grandmothers find it difficult with first grandchildren to get the balance right. I am the youngest in my family so my mother already had time to get into the "Granny" role with my sister and brother's children, but she did tell me once that she found it hard not to feel as if she was the mother to my elder sibling's babies, because that's what her instincts were about at the time. It didn't help her relationship with either my big sister or my SIL (my mother is also fairly overbearing). I wonder whether your mother is reliving how she would have liked it to be when you were born? I think you should take a deep breath, ask your dh to pack up the things your mother has brought around (you probably will be greatful for them later, but right now if they are not in sight you will probably feel better), and then go out and buy some maybe quite frivolous things that you like regardless of whether your mother has already bought one for you and the baby. After the baby is born look at what you have been given and decide then if you would like to use them (you can never have too many nappies/vests/sleepsuits for a tiny baby!). Anything you don't want ask your dh or a friend to take them back to the shop they came from, in exchange for vouchers or something you find you do need. Most baby shops recognise that new mums are given lots of stuff that may not fit/suit the baby and will accept things in their wrappers without a reciept.

Then think about how much you would like your mum to be around after the baby is born, and set down some rules (I know someone who decided that no-one was going to be allowed to visit for the first fortnight because of similar issues). I think that you are feeling a lack of control (some of which may be because waiting for the baby is a stressful time), so if you can make some decisions it may make you feel better.

I hope you feel better soon!

Tipex I was judging more on the fact that they were prepared to spend 300 but then because it was in the sale cut it down to 250. They are not pensioners and my dad still works out of choice. I don't think I put across my reasons - my brother lives close by and my parents constantly have them round for meals and treat them to meals out etc, which DH and I don't get. Also I judge my expectations of xmas spending on the fact that my by grandparents had significantly less money, more grandchildren and 10 years ago used to spend 20 pounds on each of us. Therefore I don't feel that £30 at xmas for your first and only grandchild is much, when you don't treat them during the year. My DH mother is very poor and so whatever she gets for dd is gratefully recieved and worn/used as it takes her so long to save to buy anything. My parents are a very different kettle of fish. It is their hard earned cash, however, the saying goes that you can't take it with you. I would rather they spend some on dd than I get a nice inheritance.

save your cash so your little family can go away for a holiday in a few mths time to get away from the gift giving granny!

Rivanshine I think it's partly your hormones making you feel so helpless. I remember saying I wanted to give my baby away when they were born as I didn't want them anymore, couldn't cope etc. My mum said something similar about 'we're all looking forward to it' which didn't help much! but later on I saw that she was telling me that I'd got lots of family support around me.

I can't add much to what other people have said but return anything you don't want. Howver later on you might be very pleased to have clothes/toiletries already bought for you. You can certainly choose and put together your own hospital bags with the stuff you'd like to have around you so you get to choose the first outfits your LO will wear (go and pick it out yourself from a shop). Perhaps ask your mum to store some of the stuff at her house as well to get some of the baby clutter out of your house. it does sound a bit to me as though she's trying to make up for things that she didn't have when you were born.

My parents bought a lot of things for dd, including her cot and a travel system, which I am genuinely grateful for, but I know my dh feels a little threatened by that as he tends to take it as criticism that he is not providing for his baby. But my parents are pretty well off, and also they help my brother out a lot with his dcs so they want to do the same for us. Dh's family sent a huge box of things for her over from California, too. I've made sure that dd has worn every single item of clothing that both sets of grandparents have bought her, and sent them piccies of her wearing them. OK some things were not what I would have chosen, but her clothes seem to spend more time in the wash than on her, as she is a messy little madam! Also, if your mum buys you loads of nappies and stuff, then might that leave you with more cash for things you really want to buy for your baby? Mum and Dad and MIL helped me a lot during the first weeks after dd was born. It was harder for me to explain to MIL than to my Mum that the help I really needed was for someone take over the household chores and cooking rather than take dd off me so I could do that, but please try to explain what you need, rather than seethe if you feel your life is being taken over. Enlist your dh/dp's help in this. But I suspect your mum's intentions are good, even if she comes across as overpowering.

If you know where that stuff is from just exchange it for the stuff you actually want. Or buy the things you want and re sell the other items.
Personally i'd keep what i liked and take the other stuff back and exchange it. Try and have a heart to heart with your mum she probably doesn't want to make you feel this way. Or say that next time can you come and help pick the things.

Oh poor you. If you want to pick out some clothes for your daughter, then go and do it. There's no reason why you can't buy things as well. And buy some nappies yourself too if you want to, they'll all get used.

You'll be the one in control when your dd is born, you'll be able to to choose what she wears and when, and whether she is bathed in a baby bath or sink. So even if you have the stuff, you don't have to use it.