To be upset because my mum has done everything for my baby......

[Rivanshine]

....and I have done or hardly bought ANYTHING for my baby.....because she has beaten me to it EVERY time.

I tried to tell her once that she didn't need to get anything because me and DH would but she shouted at me for being ungrateful and selfish because no-one helped her when she had me years ago when she was a single mum at 16.

I'm 26. I have a husband. I have a mortgage. Up until the beginning of this month I worked full-time and was planning to use the hard earned money I saved to get my little girl what I wanted or could. But my mum has constantly made me feel like I am still a child and stupid. I once almost had a panic attack in Mothercare because just looking at things that I couldn't buy made me feel so low and inadequate.

I feel so bad now that I just want to give the baby to her when she's born and have done with it - and she can live with my mum and my other younger siblings. I can't take any of this anymore. I don't feel like i'm the baby's mother at all now - just a bystander really.

My DH doesn't know what to do. I have been crying non-stop since my mum left last night after dropping round yet more stuff (that I didn't ask her for) that I was leaving to the last minute to get next week. I was looking forward to picking out SOME THINGS for my daughter.

I haven't even been allowed to choose a selection of baby toiletries or nappies because those are part of the things she brought with her yesterday - all piled high in a baby bath that I told her not to get because we only live in a 1 bedroom flat and storage is tight.

Like I said - its not my baby anymore. My mum even went so far as to say how long 'we' (meaning the family) had been waiting for this baby. No - DH AND I WAITED for a long time for this baby after I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2005 and had to go through the fertility treatment.

I give up.

Sorry to bring you all down on a Sunday guys. Hope that you are all well and everything is going ok where you are.

Riv xx
37+5 weeks pregnant

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Sometimes grans just can't stop themselves taking over as old routines and the love of babies come flooding back.

Does your mum live near you, rivan?

You need to try to create some distance. Things could improve when the baby is born and probably will, eventually. You need to be very firm about what YOU want to do. Decide on something the baby needs and YOU go out and buy it and tell your mum.

You and your dh will be the most important people in your baby's life. Don't forget it. You're just lacking confidence because this is your first baby and your mum is the experienced one. It'll change.

Rivanshine, speaking from experience f having overbearing family, i would strongly advise you to bite the bullet, sit your mum down and tell her that while you really appreciate all her help, she's taking over and you would like her to take a step back. Be polite, calm, advise her that you arestarting to feel like you are providing a grandchild rather than having your own baby and if you want to be really brave, the things that are unsuitable, eg the babybath, if you told your mum you didn't want these, i would ask her to take back for the specific reasons that you originally didn't want her to get you the things. If you need, have your dh with you, as mums, when its grandchildren time, can forget all about family boundaries and just take over, it might not be the advice you want to hear, esp as your post indicates your mum is a strong lady who won't take kindly to this, but if you don't put your foot doen nopw, you will feel a lot worse when the baby comes and grandparents are in there, taking over helping out!! And f anyone thinks i'm being harsh, sorry, but the damage that interfering parents can cause to a relationship between a new family whether it's well meaning or just selfish indulgence of 'that's my grandchild so i should be there all the time' can be a lot worse that just having a granny going home with a strop on.

Baby baths are a complete waste of space, so already you are making better baby care decisions than your mum (IMO). I didn't have your problem, but I did get given more baby clothes than I actually needed (e.g. 3 coats for a 0-3 month old). I just took stuff back.

I think you are within your rights to refuse stuff politely. If you really don't want the nappies (or if she keeps supplying you with them), you can usually return unopened packs, or perhaps give them to your health visitor to dontate to somebody who needs them.

Your mum isn't being deliberately mean, but she clearly has her own issues surrounding her experiences when you were a baby. She might not agree with you, but as an adult you can politely make your own choices.

Tori32 I am sure you don't mean to but you sound like a bit of a spoilt brat

YANBU - given that you are 37wks pg. Impending motherhood is a major thing - I remember feeling really edgy around this time - am I going to be a good mother and everything...
I also have an overpowering mum who constantly turns up with stuff I don't need/like - I thank her for the thought cos she does mean well and is excited about grandchildren (she is now driving me mad with unwanted advice about 2nd pg!) - so you are not alone.
I would second the advice about buying all your hospital bag stuff - buy the nappies and a special outfit to bring your daughter home - everything that will help you feel comfortable and bond just you and dd.
I would also think carefully about sitting down and being honest with your mum - not confrontational just explain (tactfully) how you are feeling and set some boundaries for when dd is born. Just in case this overspills to trying to take over when dd is born. Assign some tasks like - can you come round and do the ironing, cook dinner and stuff - so YOU are in control. she can feel wanted - see dd but on YOUR terms. Not being harsh about restricting grandma time - just preserving your sanity!! sorry for long post but hth

I think you are hormonal and that is making you BU. Sorry.

As you said your Mom was a single mom and I imagine had no support network around when she had you. I know you are not in the best position to put yourself in another's shoe but empathy is what is needed on both your parts.

Good luck with the impending birth and I hope you have those that care about you most with you in that moment. You will never forget their support in the long run.

Rivanshine, oh you poor thing I know how frustrating this is, my mil is very similar. I have a theory that women like this want to be the mummy and get ALL the attention that new mums and babies get.
Whatever you do, breastfeed, this will give you absolute control over your dd, and enlist your dh in protecting your time and space when lo arrives. xxxx

You know, when pregnant with a first baby many people obsess over stuff like this and many people can't (or I couldn't anyway) see beyond the birth. After a baby is born there's TONS of other stuff to think about.

I guess I'm saying do you think maybe you have too much time on your hands and you're anxious that that and hormones are meaning therefore you're getting this out of all proportion?

After all, it's her first grandchild and she hasn't done anything terrible, she's just bought some stuff. Surely she's just trying to help? Isn't she?

I do understand if you don't want her help but you can just choose not to use it/to buy your own stuff, you don#t have to only use that stuff. But it is all just 'stuff' - it's not health or happiness.

I realise I seem to be alone in this pov though.

Rivanshine, don't forget that all your baby really needs is you. Dh comes second and grandparents are an optional extra.

Whatever material things your mum has given, you can still choose to use or not to use. She doesn't live with you, and don't forget you and dh are the parents of this child so the decisions are yours. If there are things you like, use them. If there are things you don't like, you can take them back to the shop if unused, or keep to give as presents to other new parents you may know. You do not have to let your mother control you.

Go shopping and buy what you like. My mum bought loads of stuff, all from Boots. I took it all back. They were lovely, they scanned all the barcodes on the packets and labels (just the clothes labels where my mum had cut the tags off), and gave me a gift voucher card for all the money. And then I shopped, it was fun!

I did have to get over the idea that I couldn't buy stuff for my babies just because they didn't really need it, cos mum had bought it all. Now I buy what I like/can and give away any surplus.

I had my scan for current baby 2 weeks ago and haven't told my mum that its a boy yet. I'm going shopping for the few things I need so I'll have chosen what I want before she gets a chance. If she asks what I want I'm going to say "pink clothes cos my friend is having a girl and doesn't have any clothes for her" and see what reaction that gets. .

Try not to get too stressed! And if she is overbearing when the baby is born, get on here and we'll do moral support (put it in the Relationships topic tho!)

Could you quietly pop some of the stuff she's bought onto ebay, then buy your own stuff. The bath you could use as a laundry basket. I was a bit like your mum with my first grandchild. Mind you, my daughter and son-in-law cheerfully accepted me as "sponsor" to DGS - still does actually!

BTW I don't think shouting at your daughter and calling her selfish and ungrateful when she is 37 wks pg and crying hormonally about something, is just trying to help. Def a few emotional control issues happening!

Oh God, fruitful, you cannot begin to imagine the emotions involved in being a granny for the first time! Mind you, I agree its not on to upset your preggie daughter.

Completely agree with walbert.

Also a little anxious for you that if your mum is being this controlling now about stuff she is going to be totally in your face when your lo is born and unless you speak to her now and set a few boundaries its going to get worse.

One way you can do this dressed up as being nice is to buy her a copy of The Good Granny Guide www.amazon.co.uk/Good-Granny-Guide-Modern-Grandmother/dp/1904977081/ref=sr_1_2/026-4551575-0256424?i e=UTF8&s=books&qid=1190570785&sr=8-2. We got this for both sets of grandparents before ds1 was born and its full of really sensible stuff about not being too overbearing!

Good luck x

Rivanshine also check out the due in Oct antenatal thread - lots of lovely supportive ladies there some of whom are also having mum / mil issues! I'm currently 38 weeks preg too...

yanbu - your mum sounds like she can't get a grip on her excitment at becoming a grandparent soon.

Put everything in a box and close it. At least you'll have lots of clothes for moments when you need. Then next week go out and choose your baby's first outfit, a hat, a blanket a toy - whatever you want to get. Best wishes xxx

I have genuinely only read your opening post. I know you don't want to hear this, but god you are so lucky. My Mum didn't get to meet her grandchildren and I wish wish wish that she did.

I would count your blessings to be honest and hope that she will be as involved when they are growing up. You will welcome her intervention then as you will want a rest.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think WWW is right that all of this stuff will feel much less significant once the baby is born - but you can't possibly grasp that now, because the baby ISN'T here yet. When I was expecting ds1 (he was a very wanted baby too) I think I accrued 'stuff' around me (much of it second hand, it wasn't a materialistic thing at all) as a way of nesting, preparing, and making the whole process seem real. Generosity is one thing, but if you feel as though someone else has usurped and hijacked your very personal preparations for your new baby, of course you feel upset.

My MIL encroached a bit on the baby clothes issue. I didn't mind her sending stuff as such, it was kind of her - but I did find it a bit difficult when she was sending rather bullying instructions about what ds1 would wear home from the hospital (sick-stained 30yo babygros from her own children's babyhood) and assuming ds1 would be christened in dh's christening gown (yellowed, stained nylon thing). I also found it very difficult to assert myself, because I was vulnerable and not very well, and I didn't want to hurt her or myself. In the end I did use quite a bit of the stuff she sent (it was all stuff from her attic, from her own sons' babyhood) including her green and rusty silver cross pram, because I wanted to include her and the things that FOR HER signified the joy of her first grandchild. But I included them, sometimes - I didn't let them replace my own vision of what I wanted for ds1's babyhood. I just bought the things I wanted as well, and had a very cluttered house!

I ramble . What I mean is, I don't think you are being ungrateful or childish at all. Preparing for the new baby is something fundamental and very natural, as are your feelings about someone trying to take it away from you. There is an argument in here somewhere about the fact that in our modern society we tend to express these very natural and important urges through shopping and acquiring 'stuff' , but IMO that's a different thread. The principle is the same.

It's all very well to say "talk to her", or "ebay the stuff", but how many people copuld actually DO that, with their own mothers? I don't know what the solution is. I do agree with others though that once the baby is here this will all seem less huge.

IMHO- yes I know it sounds like that but it really isn't about money, its about my brother getting spoilt and me not getting the equivalent, even though financially my DH and I are nowhere near as well of as DB and SIL. It just grates. I know that when their baby arrives, as it grows up, he/she will see lots of my parents because they live in the same village. I can forsee my mum buying sweets for it, a little outfit here and there etc, when I know she doesn't for dd. Anyway, don't want to hijak thread so will not post again on this thread.

YANBU. I had a similar situation with my MIL which not only left me feeling miserable but also worried about my own mum being left out. There was a memorable issue with the pram which my mum had offered to buy for us - MIL went out and bought her choice of travel system without me ever seeing it, even though it's me who has to use it. What with various other stuff I ended up feeling like my baby wasn't my own. My baby's now nearly 9 weeks and MIL has at times made me feel a bit over-protective of him but fortuntely she lives far away so I just keep my patience as much as possible when she visits, knowing she only wants to help and is excited. But it is hard and it does upset me, feeling like my baby is owned by someone else.

If your mother is local then it might be an idea to try and talk it through. She won't be able to understand how you feel if her situation when she had you was very different, but she should respect your feelings. Those feelings will be crazy hormonal ones mind! Do you have a sibling/uncle/aunt who could talk to her tactfully for you? I really feel for you though, it's a horrible feeling.

Good luck with your new arrival!

YANBU but perhaps over-reacting a bit but then at your stage of pregnancy, that's perfectly understandable! Lots of parents view their grandchildren as their chance to get it right, to correct the wrongs they did the first time round with their own kids and it sounds to me as if your mum is trying to do that, to give your child all the things she wished she'd been able to give you.

And babies are a gift for the whole family I think. Trust me, once your baby's here, you'll be very glad of her support.

I think the best thing you can do is to talk to her and tell her how you feel and maybe get some boundaries down now about visiting etc if you think her enthusiasm is likely to spill over into wanting to be round your house the whole time. Luckily it's your mum, not your MIL so hopefully the conversation will be a bit easier. There will be tons of things your daughter needs once she arrives. And once she's here, I promise you you'll feel like she's yours.

YANBU - I think it sounds nightmarish. I feel very sorry for you. Of COURSE you want to go out and buy stuff YOU have chosen for YOUR baby.

I dont think you are being ungrateful in the slightest and as you say in your OP, your mum shouts you down if you try to discuss it with her.

Yes of course she is excited but she NEEDS to realise it is YOUR baby not HERS.

Do you have siblings that could help talk to her???

Oh and also, I think if you were posting about your MIL the responses would have been VERY different but IMO it is the same whether it is your mum or MIL.

Rivan- as everyone else has said this is all about hormones.. you will read it back in 6 months time and wonder what on earth you were getting into a flap about

When my second child was born my mum came to "help". She took my DD1 out for the morning and when they came home DD was wearing a new anorak... For the last few weeks of my pgncy I'd been wanting to go and get her a new coat but couldn't get out. I'd had my eye on one of those red full length proper little girl's coats with a black collar and she'd ended up with a green anorak from QS. I cried and screamed at her- she stomped off in a huff because she thought she was doing me a favour

For this baby I had a huge box of toiletries from work. Most we haven't touched (the current feeling is not to use bathing products on newborns) but the wipes lasted the first 3 months and it was so handy knowing we didn't have to go out and buy them! (and we got to try several different makes I wouldn't have bought )

You will be amazed at how many outfits your DD will get through in a week, and by how quickly she grows out of her newborn ( and 0-3 months and 3-6 months) clothes and you are out buying more. If your mum has bought the basics you can go and splurge on a couple of really nice outfits without feeling guilty

Just to say,

A big 'Thankyou' to everyone who took the time to post yesterday - it has really helped so much to get different opinions on my little 'issue'!

Needless to say that after reading through again from the start I then took a deep breath, calmed myself and thanked my lucky stars that - even though she can be pushy at times - my mum does care and is only trying to do what she thinks is best.

I'm not sure if I have the heart to Ebay any of the items as I would rather donate anything that I really and truly didn't like to a charity shop or something. In that way I could possibly be helping someone else out - not to mention contributing in a small way to the charity itself.

I'm really sorry if I came across as ungrateful, selfish and totally hormonal yesterday. Well, I AM very hormonal at the moment - but maybe I am allowed to get away with that one for the time being eh?

Anyway, there might be another explanation as to why my mother has gone into 'granny overdrive' actually - I live in Braintree, Essex and she lives in St Albans, Herts. So she's about 50-odd miles away. My MIL, on the other hand, lives about 3 miles down the road! My mum does drive (as do I) but she still has a lot of commitments at home with my 5 younger siblings. Well, 4 now actually since one of my brothers has recently moved out (he's 21). The remaining 'kids' are 17, 16, 15 and 13 - so she's quite busy a lot of the time!!!

To give her a lot of credit here - I don't really know how she's had the time to find and buy all the things for the baby that she has so far! I think that maybe I really need to start paying more attention to where she gets all her energy from as I may need to know the secret pretty soon!!

Thanks again for all your support guys,

Riv xx