Do abusive mysoginists put you off men in general?

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I'm heterosexual and happily single atm, wasn't ruling out another relationship in the future but the more I see and learn about certain high profile men or very rich ones using and abusing women and girls given the chance the more I dislike men in general.

I know that's not totally fair and I have a son and father who I love very much but it's so obvious now with people like Saville, Epstein, Weinstein and just last night I watched a Sky documentary about hundreds of underage gymnasts being abused by their appointed doctor in the US.

Part of me feels that given the opportunity they would all do it, and it sickens me and puts me off.

AIBU?

Oh op, I think I understand what you're trying to say. I too have been a victim of male abuse in my life, and whilst I would say its not put me off entirely, I would be lying if I didn't say it has made me far more wary and reluctant to trust a man. I do not think every man is going to kill or rape me, I do however find it extremely difficult to relax and form meaningful relationships with men as a part of me is always waiting for the next slap or punch. I got lucky with my husband, who is aware of my past, but there are times I am still wary and I have found it difficult to relax and form a relationship with my father in law.

It's really difficult and I think it is a trauma response. I don't think you should feel bad about it, I refuse to be shamed by posters who think I am unreasonable. I am basing my responses on my own personal experiences and I am really happy if no woman has experienced violence and the hands of men and therefore 'doesn't understand' my reactions. May it always be so. But what happened to me happened and I will not allow anyone to gaslight me or insist I am over reacting.

As a man, I would love to take offense at your sweeping statement on behalf of my gender. Unfortunately, the statistics for rape, sexual assault and domestic abuse and violence prevent me from doing so.

Normal, kind and law abiding men don't make good television. No one's going to watch a documentary about Barry the plumber, good father and husband.

I've known lots of good men and am married to a fine one. YABU.

Stats are nowhere near 100% though. And within those stats, there are a lot of men who are also victims of male violence and dominance.

So whilst men are the primary actors of toxic masculinity, they also fall into the victim group of the same type of behaviours.

My husband is the biggest softie people pleaser I know (I try not to take advantage but christ, he makes it hard some days!). He's far more likely to actively prioritise other's happiness and comfort than I am. (I barely recognise the socialised traits people describe of being typical to women on here...) I barely put him in the same species as Epstein.

What is needed is twofold. A breaking down of the passing on of toxic male examples, and a rigorous instruction to kids in learning bad behaviour when they encounter it.

Stats are nowhere near 100% though.

Indeed not. If anything, the official statistics only scratch the surface as so many cases, especially within relationships, are never reported.

And within those stats, there are a lot of men who are also victims of male violence and dominance.

So men are frequently violent and abusive to other men as well as women. You're hardly making a great case for the defense.

So whilst men are the primary actors of toxic masculinity, they also fall into the victim group of the same type of behaviours.

That doesn't change the fact that so many men are capable of abuse and violence. Male victims do not cancel out male perpetrators.

My husband is the biggest softie people pleaser I know (I try not to take advantage but christ, he makes it hard some days!).

I'm happy for you, seriously. I've never said there are no good men out there. I like to think I am one myself, though that is not really for me to judge. The fact that there are nice men though does not cancel out the horrific levels of violence and abuse enacted by all the men that are prone to not being nice.

Seriously, how many men are violent and abusive?

In the UK alone, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse. 1 in 3 will be raped or sexually assaulted.

Around 74% of violent crimes are committed by men.

Two women a week are killed by their current or former partner and nine times as many women than men are killed by their partner. Approximately 61% of female murders each year are committed by a current or former partner. Over half of these feature 'overkilling'.

In domestic abuse related court cases, 93% of the defendants are male.

Men are more likely to be victims of violence outside of the home and, again, the majority of these crimes are committed by other men.

Figures are taken from Womens Aid, the Home Office, and ONS.

There is no answer to "how many men are violent and abusive" but based on recorded information men are more likely to be abusers, are more likely to be violent, and are more likely to commit sexual violence. This understandably makes some people cautious around contact with new/unknown men, for example via dating.