Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.


In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.


I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.


She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.


They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

[AtaMarie]

I am wondering why you're so fixated on herpes? I mean, why not all the other things that can harm you? Driving in a car, or contracting toxoplasmosis, or roundworm, or breathing in heavy metals ... or do you worry about them, too?

Calm down. Seriously. Your child will either grow up completely OTT paranoid, or thinking you're batshit.

[awesomeaircraft]

People are being very dismissive on the effect of coldsores on infants.

Please do not confuse an attack on an older chid or adult. It is very different.

The OP is correct that parents should try and protect their infant from coldsore (herpex simplex).

Sources:

- Do not kiss babies if you have a cold sore. It can lead to neonatal herpes, which is very dangerous to newborn babies.www.nhs.uk/conditions/cold-sores/

News Today - Cold sores are common and relatively harmless in toddlers and children, but the cold sore virus can be dangerous for babies.www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322620

There may be a communication/education need within her family, however protecting infants from herpes simplex is recommended.

[MinteeFresh]

I think it is simple what you should do. Dont use your in laws for free childcare. Fork out for a more hygenic nursery or nanny.

[HopeMumsnet]

Hi all,
Thanks to those who have reported their concerns about this thread. As it happens, we can see that this poster has been consistent and detailed in her history with us so we are not concerned that she is a troll - if we were, we would have taken action already.
With that in mind, we would hope that she will receive the sort of peer support and care for which MN is so justly famed. The prospect of leaving our babies with people we don't completely trust has rattled a lot of us over the years...

[TooGood2BeTrue]

Most people have the cold sore virus in them. Whether you het them (regularly) or not depends on your genes and your general health at the time...

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Most people who get coldsores would refrain from kissing others, especially babies for whom it’s dangerous to get the virus.

[Marpan]

I agree with the no kissing I’m very germ phobic .

However, I randomly got a cold sore at 31 for the first time ever in my life a few months ago. I thought I “didnt” get cold sores until then. So you may carry it too.

I believe it can lie dormant but obviously I’ve been run down in the past when baby is a newborn etc and never had one.

Our nanny came in one day with a huge lip scab and insisted it wasn’t a cold sore. Pretty sure that’s how/where I got it. Maybe from cups or something .

You are not being unreasonable they are disgusting.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Why would people report the OP for trolling? Perhaps it shows that people don’t realise the effect the virus can have on babies

[DontStandSoCloseToMe]

I get coldsores didn't get my first one until I was at uni. DH doesn't get them, DS doesn't get them, I am scrupulous with hygiene when I have an outbreak, I do kiss my child and my husband when I don't have a coldsore. I don't like other people kissing my child on the mouth because it's odd, I don't kiss him on the mouth unless he plants one on me (toddler). I've never had to tell any relative not to kiss him on the mouth because they just wouldn't. YABU about a forehead kiss and YABVU about not sharing your utensils unless you have appalling mouth hygiene.

[Sonotech]

Natashabobasha1 I think I’m going to stick my neck out here and say I agree. My dd1 (9 months at the time) was given Impetigo in her mouth off her older cousin who was five. My in-laws has been popping the teat with a hot needle and letting the cousin drink tea out of my babies bottle knowing full well she had impetigo round her mouth.

It was horrible and I really did cry at what happened to my babies poor mouth. Because it was on a wet area the scab healed over when she slept so when she woke it spilt the scab and it was very painful for her. We couldn’t apply cream in her mouth so she had antibiotics and the GP recommend ice lolly’s to help with soreness.

So yeah it really can go bad.

OP I think the anxiety you’ve got over this is because they are not listening to you. And now because I’ve seen how painful blisters and sores can be on a small baby - I feel the same.

Regarding the cutlery if the water is hot enough and you use good detergent it shouldn’t be an issue and when they get a bit older they put all sorts in their mouth especially at play group so it’s a case of doing your best and hoping for the best.

Dd1 is now 24 and still suffers with cold sores ( her dads family are plagued by them) I remarried and my youngest two (7&4) have never had one - neither does my husband or I

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Op
Not everyone in the UK is riddled with ' herpes' and merrily infecting their children on purpose.

But what to do?
It sounds like your sister in law genuinely forgot, ir didn't realise she had one.

As for the rest, and if you goal is genuinely to educate.then gently, and every time they have an outbreak,just say "please no kissing until your cold sore heals".

That's it.


Be honest though,OP
Do you actually want the holding your baby at all?

[shinyredbus]

Pay for a sitter and stop asking them to look after your child. You sound crazy. Meanwhile in the real world people are dropping like flies from corona but cold sores are your issue?!

[pinkstar01]

@Alittleshortforaspacepooper I agree. This is why I would never post here for real support, because majority of the times I've seen struggling mums get ripped apart by smug posters.

[FFSFFSFFS]

don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities

You are crazy about that and clearly struggle with trust and anxiety issues.

But you are not being crazy about the cold sore thing. But I think because you have so many other irrational issues it is difficult for you to establish a realistic approach to coldsores.

I get cold sores and was always very careful with my nieces and nephews. But it doesn't sound like your mother in law ever will be. She won't change. So its your call whether or not to have her babysit.

[Blondebakingmumma]

YANBU!!!

Even a kiss to the head on a baby with a cold sore the baby can catch the virus and it can endanger the baby’s life. People who are telling you that you are unreasonable probably don’t understand the risks.

I wouldn’t trust your in-laws to babysit at all

[Hellothere19999]

As much as the previous comments have focused on telling you you are insane and you have replied by saying “well you must get cold sores” etc I have tried to re read your issue and concentrate on your actual question.... I think originally you should have pointed your in laws to actual evidence based stories about cold sores, no need to sit there “sweating”. I got a cold sore when my baby was a week old and absolutely shit my pants as they can die/ get very poorly. My cousin is a doctor and she said just be really careful, no kisses, I also got those patches to go over it and my baby never caught it and was fine.... my boyfriend also never catches them and we have kissed etc in the past. Some people just don’t get them, but with babies you should obviously be careful. I would say that you have an issue here more with boundaries, which unfortunately I’m not sure what you can realistically do as they seem to want to ignore what you say and have helped pay for your house and live quite close.... can you not get different child care or go on universal credit which can help with nurseries whilst working? Again, this may cause more of an issue and offend them... it’s quite tricky with in laws. I try and be polite whilst still standing my ground.... with the utensils maybe remove it from the baby and go “haha you don’t want any nasty cavities do you” but tbh I don’t think you can stop them doing it when you’re not there.... you just have to get over it I’m afraid. One day your kid will be big anyway and do whatever the fuck it wants, might snog people with cold sores, might snort cocaine, who knows! Will you still be there exclaiming “PLEASE DON’T SHARE UTENSILS!!!!!” Your kid is alive and loved, appreciate it.

[lazylockdowner]

Hmmm I suffer with cold sores and always have done... my 4 children have never had one yet... 17 years and counting

I was careful when I had a cold sore but I definitely kissed my children when I didn't

[pinkstar01]

OP, you may have post partum anxiety but you may not. I am 5 months pp and had bad anxiety the first few months and I took antidepressants which sorted it out. I'm back to my normal self now but even I wouldn't want someone with cold sores kissing my child. My mom gets them sometimes and she knows to be extra careful when she has one. Your husband should be the one explaining this to his parents too.

[Itwasntme1]

Sono tech that is so awful. Did your in laws at least apologise?

[billy1966]

OP,
I think you are getting very harsh replies.

Why would anyone want to risk giving a baby herpes?

Why anyone feels the need to kiss a baby on the mouth.
I never kissed my children on the mouth.

The transfer of bacteria via saliva and utensils is a thing, particularly parents who might taste food before feeding their baby.
Just best avoided.

Lying is just awful.
It destroys trust and I can understand this stressing the OP if her in laws are supposed to be her childcare.

Giving up your job is drastic and not to be recommended.

You are in a bind.

Try speaking to them about your worries.
What does your husband think.

If you needed their money for a home, giving up your job is not realistic.

I would honestly forget about the utensils and focus on asking no kissing.

Is money the childcare issue?
If it is then you are very stuck.

Wishing you the best.

[Coka]

I think YANBU. I get cold sores and am extremely extremely careful around infants if I have one or feel one coming. It's a horrible thing to pass on. Accidents happen but they could ease your mind by assuring you that they take it seriously. Babies grab your face by accident so best to not hold them if possible. Obviously it's different if it's your own child.

[Blondebakingmumma]

I also agree with a PP that there are many very rude posters on here. Calling someone deranged etc is not helpful. If you don’t have anything constructive to say love onto the next thread

[Bakedbrie]

In an ordinary non-Covid world, Growing up being hugged and kissed (providing a child likes and wants it) by loving family members is a wonderful thing that will help produce a balanced grown up that enjoys being physically cherished. sorry but I think your squeamish attitude is actually harming your developing child OP.

[Sonotech]

I can’t believe posters have been reporting this post

[VeniceQueen2004]

Hi OP - I have herpes and because of that and because I understand what the virus is, how it works and how contagious it is I have a little bit more sympathy for your (extremely overwrought) OP.

When my baby was born I was not very well mentally and became OBSESSED with my herpes (I had no outbreaks but had read about asymptomatic shedding), my DP who I suspect I caught it from but who insists he doesn't have it, his mother who definitely does have it but doesn't understand the nature of it (that cold sores are actually herpes, that they are a virus that stays with you for life, that they can be fatal etc) and it made me frantic like you sound. It's part of the PFB thing that takes us over. Your anxieties will relax. I mean having done your research you must acknowledge that if your DH's whole family has them he is likely an asymptomatic carrier too, or you just don't notice them due to location (my DP's are close to his nostrils so don't present typically hence his denial!). But you still kiss/have sex with him and presumably allow him to kiss your child. Or if you don't now you will later.

I am careful. But I have come to accept I can't control everything, or everyone, in relation to my child. She is three now, and I kiss her on the face and she kisses me on the mouth - if I have an outbreak I stop her but I can't imagine pushing her away when she tries to show me affection "just in case", or never kissing her cheek goodnight. I would be letting my anxiety about an incredibly common and reasonably low risk condition totally dictate my parenting style and our relationship, whilst still having no surefire way to protect her from other members of her family, nursery staff, other children at nursery, her future romantic/sexual partners who may be carriers. I can't live like that. So I accept my limitations, take what care seems reasonable and live my life. I hope you find a way to reach that peace too, and be less judgemental of others who have, but I do understand how you feel.