CrayonedWalls, it sounds like you've had a horrific time. I can empathise as I also had a traumatic birth first time around, and I was very fortunate to have a positive second delivery.
It's so difficult to hear other women talk about their textbook deliveries knowing what you've been through. Also their lack of comprehension, or even willingness to listen, would leave me with mouth firmly clamped shut. I would always just try to draw strength from thinking that it didn't matter how DS arrived, just that he was here now.
So, first time around... Induction, episiotomy, forceps, 3rd degree tear, surgical repair in theatre, blood transfusion, blood pressure and pulse problems, stayed in hospital for a week. Fun times indeed. I remember commenting at the time that I understood how women historically died during childbirth.
I was extremely fortunate to recover, however my 2nd pregnancy terrified me. I was in 2 minds, but we decided to go a 2nd time because I'm an only child and I wanted my DS to have a sibling.
I was, however, so frightened of incontinence!
The thing that struck me was how my consultants were dismissive of my fears. I was in hysterical tears at each appointment as the time drew near (fortnightly and then weekly due to gestational diabetes). It was highly embarrassing to me and, while some were helpful, I remember that one consultant almost reacted with eye rolling.They all had differing levels of sympathy and differing opinions about how things would go second time around. Of course they can't give definitive answers, but they need to give you something, like research and statistics. Nothing! I had to find my own information.
I was so happy when one suggested elective caesarian as an option, as the rest were completely stonewalling me. But then, during the following appointment he backtracked.
It was a very confusing and upsetting time!
I always had the thought in my mind that I should just DEMAND a caesar just like countless women on MN recommended. But even still, that didn't give me piece of mind because of an extreme fear of surgery. I'm complicated, I know!
In the end I decided to meet with the head midwife who debriefed me through the notes from last time. She explained the reasons for every decision and she was able to offer alternatives for the next time around. We came up with a plan of things that we could do such as: wireless monitoring (the BEST thing ever - this was 2015 and it was a new-fandangled thing at my hospital); keeping active using the bed and gym ball; getting familiar with the gas and air mouthpiece prior to needing it (a.k.a. vomit-prevention); and the most crucial thing of all, my positioning for the final stage of birth that would most protect the episiotomy scar and prevent/minimise further damage.
That head midwife was true to her word. My notes had everything written in them and the midwife on the day was fully aware of the past and the present recommendations. When the final pushing arrived, I had an extra midwife there (possibly 2, can't recall). They all physically supported my positioning - on the side, right leg (scar side) up in the air type situation - and someone HELD the perineal area to prevent damage.
It was such a positive and empowering birth experience! I did end up with a 2nd degree tear, which was patched up by the Registrar on duty, but I was so elated with the overall experience that I hardly noticed if that makes sense.
We stopped after two DC as I just couldn't risk myself, mainly due to age and gestational diabetes.
Best of luck to you OP!