To ask for your experiences after a traumatic first birth

[CrayonedWalls]

I’d love your support/virtual hand hold on a question I’ve been asking myself for a little while, relating to a second child after a traumatic first delivery.

Two years ago, I had my first child, a little boy. He is awesome, so much of parenthood has been a total joy with him so far and we are lucky to have him.

I had a straightforward pregnancy with him and was active throughout. However, birth was a totally different story. Due to reduced fetal movement he was induced. I won’t go into too much detail but suffice to say - fetal distress, episiotomy, enormous blood loss, horrific delivery in theatre and some pretty bad birth injuries for me to this day.

Of course, I feel very grateful that we walked out of hospital with both of us alive, but the effect on my body has been lasting.

I’ve been to the GP several times (GP pretty dismissive) for both the physical and mental distress and received some counselling. No one has at any point said it would be risky to have another baby.

I’m now 32. Right now the thought of having another child frightens me. To be clear - I’m not traumatised by the hospital experience I had the first time around, I have made my peace with that. But my body is changed forever down there, and I’m concerned about the additional effect a second baby might have. I’m not sure the healthcare professionals I’ve seen have taken me seriously - they’ve basically brushed off the concerns l have about what would happen if I had to go through labour again.

I smile through my friends’ conversations about breathing the baby out, their neat Caesarian scars, how perfect it all was...then I go home and cry. I’m pleased for them but I feel birth injury is a massive unspoken subject that women are just expected to put up with as part of motherhood.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has been in my position and went on to have other children. How did you come to the decision, and did you approach your midwife appointments differently second time around? Did you have an elective section?

I’d also love to hear from anyone who’s been here and who decided to stop trying for any more children. Right now that’s what I’m leaning towards - while I’d love two children I already have a great one, DH is entirely supportive of whatever I decide, and I’m not sure I can put my body through any more.

Your advice and experiences are really appreciated.

I have four DC and the first three births were all difficult.

DC1 was ventouse delivery after a patchy epidural, he became tachycardic and as he was back-to-back I just couldn't push him out myself.

DC2 ended in a third degree tear and a pint of blood loss after two hours of pushing. This baby was also back-to-back and I was refused any drugs at all except for gas and air as they didn't believe I was in labour.

DC3 was the absolute worst - severe shoulder dystocia. Again I had had no painkillers as they again didn't believe I was in labour at first, then it progressed too quickly to have any apparently. An episiotomy was performed without my prior knowledge or consent but due to the seriousness of the situation I can let that go - I can still remember the pain of being cut though and it will be nine years ago week after next. Baby was grey and floppy by the time they got him out and needed help breathing for a little while. We were warned he may have sustained nerve and/or brain damage due to the birth but we just had to wait and see what happened with his development. A week after the birth I was back in hospital with sepsis caused by the birth, apparently bacteria was introduced directly into my womb by the doctor's hand when he put his hand inside to get baby out. DC3 ended up being perfectly fine by the way, very lucky to have no lasting effects.

After that birth both DH and I were sure no more kids, in fact that last birth affected DH much more than me because he had to watch every little bit of it whereas my memory is a bit sketchy as it was so horrendous.

However, I became more and more broody (god knows why?!) and talked DH into having DC4 when DC3 was 3. I was adamant that I should have an ELCS and it ended up being the most straighforward of my births although it too wasn't without hiccups (very, very large baby meant larger than average incision, took longer, drugs wore off too soon etc).

After each difficult birth I was terrified when it came to the next one, but it still didn't put me off having more children. Maybe it is just a little too soon to consider another for you OP, I have five years between DC1 & DC2 and four between DC3 & DC4.

@FlurkenSchnit that sounds absolutely horrific - so pleased you and DC3 (and the others!) are all unscathed though, my friend had shoulder dystocia with her first baby and he has cerebral palsy due to lack of oxygen as a result. How much did your babies weigh?

Hello CrayonedWalls, I'm in the second group in your post - one child, decided not to have more.

After an uneventful first pregnancy I went into labour at full term. Unfortunately it wasn't a normal labour but liver failure (HELLP syndrome), initially misdiagnosed as a heart attack by panicking doctors. Baby and I both survived but it was very nasty and poor DH was massively traumatised. The doctors told me at the time that it was unlikely to happen again with any future births (latest advice shows that's not correct). A year later as DS moved from baby to toddler I started feeling broody but that was quickly quashed by my subconscious with flashback nightmares so DH and I decided not to rush into any decisions. By the time DS was 5 years old I felt that it was too much of a risk for his future or any new baby as I could end up dead or disabled.
DS is now 20 and I don't regret the decision. Life has been mostly good and we have all been healthy.

Can you give yourself more time before you need to decide?

@JoeExoticsPrinceAlbert - we were so very lucky, all he had was a bit of bruising around his nose, mouth & chin (due to the pressure of being stuck half in half out) and a bruise to the underneath of his upper arm. He did swallow a lot of gunk whilst he was stuck which led him to have a gippy tummy for a while but comfort milk sorted that out in the end.

In order their birthweights were 7lb 4.5oz, 9lb 9oz, 8lb 6oz and 10lb 15.5oz, so the worst birth was with one of my smaller babies but he was actually born at 38 weeks so would have been around 10lb at fullterm I reckon. The surgeon at my ELCS said we had definitely made the right decision as DC4 would have gotten wedged - he was the size of a 3 month old!

Sounds like we had similar labours and births OP; 50 hour failed induction labour, 2 failed epidurals, back to back baby, forcep birth with a 2 litre PPH, episiotomy and a 3rd degree tear, retained placenta, my kidneys then failed, 2 blood transfusions. Spent 6 days in hospital all in all. I was fucked for months. I was crawling up the stairs to the toilet still 3 months after my birth.

But.

As horrific as it was, my husband stayed so calm, and I took so many drugs, that I never felt out of control or traumatised. I was so doped up that I remember things really differently than my husband. My son was in so much distress toward the end of my labour that all I cared about was him coming; I pushed so hard in theatre that he came out on the second push with the forceps, quite easily. I find i talk about my labour lots and this really helps me. It took me til my DS was a year old for me to feel almost back to my old self, however I still have dreadful piles, lots of bleeding when I go to the loo and pelvic pain. My endoscopy and colonoscopy has been postponed 4 times, and my GP is beyond useless. At my post natal appt at 6 weeks, I walked in, sat down with great difficult y and he said "I see you had a very normal labour and delivery so I won't examine you.

I realise I'm waffling but I ultimately focused my energy into trying to help myself. Diet and exercise, learning as much as I can about what happened to my body through pregnancy birth and beyond. And to be honest, I would go through it again tomorrow to have another baby like my DS.

However, I would 100% speak to the most senior obstetric consultant or similar before I gave birth again, and I would never allow myself to be induced for a "large baby". He was 8.12 and I was told he would be 10-11lb at birth.

Phew. That was cathartic. Feel free to get in touch OP if you want to chat anymore, I can't help but I can listen.

@mincepieready I enjoyed reading your post - my midwife was a bit of a ‘babies born in caves’ too. Sounds like you had a positive experience there. And actually what you’ve hit on there with loss of muscle tone is exactly my concern. In fact if I’d known about that before my first labour I think I’d have pushed much harder for an ELCS. Sure it might ‘all be worth it’ in the moment, but what about when I’m 60, 70?

@FlurkenSchnit thank you for sharing. So true that the horror of it lives with you - I guess we will never forget it. And I agree maybe it’s just too soon, I think time will heal me (or allow me to forget) enough to want to try again, certainly.

@BlatheringOn thanks so much for sharing this. Sounds like you made exactly the right decision for you. While it’s stressful for us as women, I think it’s also overlooked how traumatising it is for the partners who watch. I’m pretty glad I couldn’t see over the surgical partition! And yes you’re right, I do have a little time, Id like to try before I’m 35 which gives me a couple more years yet.

@turnthebiglightoff thank you so much for sharing that. I really do relate to so much of what you have said. The bleeding, the piles, the stuff none of the rest of my friends talk about two years later. A friend the other day said she didn’t want a c section because it might leave a scar - seriously if people knew the potential alternative...My post natal appointment was a joke, the doctor examined for a prolapse while I was lying down so obviously couldn’t feel it. I’ve felt very alone with this since my baby was born. So thank you for saying all of this x

I have one child a toddler. No way in hell would I have any more. I had a HG pregnancy I was sick 50 times a day . I had sloppy midwife care and an despite a scan at 32 weeks I was told my baby was head down. Baby wasn't. I had a sweep at 40 weeks and the midwife panicked and sent me for a scan. Breech was confirmed. I was booked in for a c section at 40 + 5 after a they tried to turn the baby round. I forget what it's called. I went into a very fast labour at 40 + 3 alone. Contractions 90 seconds apart. Got to the hospital and the team took one look at me and set off the alarms and everyone came running.

EMCS, traumatised PND and PTSD. I won't set foot in any medical setting, doctors, dentist, hospital,

I can barely take care of the baby and I doubt I will ever recover mentally or physically.

I deeply regret getting pregnant.

I had a horrendous vaginal birth with my oldest daughter. Was induced at 41 weeks, didn't go into sustained labour, so then syntocin drip to make contractions stronger. Finally got to 10cms, but she was in distress, into theatre, failed ventouse, forceps delivery with a large episiotomy. My daughter was born flat and had to be resuscitated. I have internal damage from the delivery and PTSD. When I became pregnant with my son, I had to change consultants, but had an elective c section which was an amazing experience.

Please fight for what is right for you.x

I absolutely agree that a woman’s own trauma is dismissed so long as ‘baby is healthy’. For DC1, I was over a week overdue with a big baby. All my concerns were dismissed by disinterested midwives. After a prolonged labour that just wasn’t progressing, I had a forceps delivery, massive tears, the inevitable blood loss, surgery and blood transfusions. I was petrified about DC2 delivery - everything ‘down below’ had suffered terribly, my husband was traumatised and I was traumatised.

At my first midwife appt, I was referred to the consultant who immediately suggested an ELCS. I was going to push for one anyway but the relief that it was offered, and there was no fight about it, was fantastic. Honestly, DC2 delivery was fantastic. I felt in control and that I could actually enjoy the moment. I feel incredibly sad that my DC1 birth will forever be one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced.

The midwives I had second time round were great as well and were very supportive throughout.

After my first child was born in a similarly traumatic situation, I spent the next 3 years saving to pay for a c-section for my second child. Of course it's better to have a normal delivery but you have to do what is right for you.

@Theyweretheworstoftimes massive virtual hug and for you. I can feel every ounce of your feeling coming out of the words you’ve written. I’m so sorry for your experience and I hope you have folks you can talk to about it. Right now my rational brain is going ‘no more’ and remembering how bad it was, but that ridiculous urge is saying ‘but what if’? Grr hormones

@cookiemon666 I’m glad to hear you had a good ELCS experience and hope that made up for what happened during your first. I feel like I’d probably go to my first midwife appointment with the demand written on my forehead!

I had a horrific first labour and lasting damage. When pregnant with my second I initially requested a c-section but was persuaded against it. Although I was very clear that I would not accept forceps again and would want a c-section if it looked like things were heading in this direction. Luckily I had a very positive experience. 4 hour water birth in the midwife led unit, gas and air only. It went a long way towards healing the trauma from first time around. Statistically you are much less likely to have problems with your second birth. I think you need to start having discussions with your midwife from very early on and see what your options are.

@Moreisnnogedag @Frangipaniflower thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope that there is a positive experience to be had second time around. Particularly if you had people who really listened to your requests. It is so good to talk about this and finally have people say I hear you and I relate. Gives me a lot of hope x

@Twigletmama thank you - I agree it seems that second labour can be a bit more straightforward (blazing a trail as someone so aptly said earlier!) Add to that the fact that my hospital are very keen on home births and ‘natural’ labour (I was down for a home birth first time around) I know they will want to talk me through this. You’re right about it needing a proper conversation. I spent my whole pregnancy with midwives saying ‘oh he’s a big one!!’ And no one actually then considering what that meant. I feel like I was an experiment. My notes don’t even cover the half of how bad it really was.

Sorry to jump in. I had a terrible birth with DD. 52 hour labour, no pain relief (partially my choice, partially the G&A made me feel horrendous), a midwife who did and said nothing for hours while I fell apart, ended up with DDs heart rate plummeting after 2 hours of pushing, ventouse, episiotomy, heaps of stitches, lots of panicked neo-natal people hovering as they didnt know if she was alive. I was chucked out 12 hours later, I had no family support as they live abroad, I had a DH who works 12 hour shifts, extreme pain for 8 solid weeks as the stitches didnt heal, and it all resulted in post natal psychosis and a complete breakdown at 16 weeks PP. I went to the doc who mentioned 'they wont take your baby from you' which I hadn't even considered. I shut down, refused all counselling, and battled through alone.The whole thing has haunted me for the past 18 months. Barely a day goes by where I dont think about it.

When I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant 19 weeks ago, I freaked. But I always said I would give DD a sibling so I decided to face it all again. I am still terrified, but so many of your stories have really reassured me that i am not destined to be a traumatised wreck all over again. There is hope! Thank you!

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this.
My pregnancy and delivery with DD1 where very similar to yours, I had terrible tearing, scar tissue, lacerations on my labia (she was back to back and came far too quickly) etc then for a year I couldn't have intercourse due to pain and scar tissue. Doctor at my 6 week check was useless then months down the line I I saw my gp..a Male, he was brilliant! He referred me to a childbirth injury consultant and my goodness it changed my life!!!!! I had two corrective surgeries and transformed the look and function of my bits
I was scared to have another child and waited 4 years but went for it as I felt my daughter needed a sibling. Pregnancy was ok, consultant led and I had support from the hospital, offered a c section which I declined.
The labour with DS was fairly quick, I had an experienced midwife who was instructed to give an episiotomy..but she didn't, they told me I would breathe baby out but it was a massive panic and I had to push like mad really quickly as his heart rate dropped significantly.
I tore badly yet again but they sewed me up straight away, took an hour an it was awful! But reality is I was holding my little chubby baby and that's all that mattered, I healed really well and had several follow up appointments.
I'm fine down there now too.

I won't have any more children but if I did then I would take an elective c section, I wouldn't put myself through it again.

I think you should ask your gp for an appointment with a childbirth injury consultant to discuss the problems you're left with? Failing that I would think about changing gp surgeries?

Sorry to butt in again but I just wanted to say that as my first labour was quick I was advised to have a home birth, I didn't though..thank goodness as the stitching needed to be done then and there! X

Hi OP I’ve decided I am done and never having anymore children as both pregnancies and births were horrific and traumatising. We only wanted two and both children were very much wanted but for some reason carrying them and birthing them just did not go right.

My first, my DD, the pregnancy itself was actually great until about 4-5 months, I had a gallstone attack (did not diagnosed with it until DD was 3 months old) the pain was the worst pain I myself had ever experienced. I lay down on the bed and my breathing got so low because every breath felt like a stab my fiancé called an ambulance as he thought I was dying. The next day I went to the hospital to see if the baby was okay and they told me as I was slightly heavyset it was most likely back pain but the baby was fine so I didn’t investigate any further. I had 3-4 more attacks before I gave birth. My waters went at 4am, we were at the hospital by 7am, they said they weren’t sure my waters had gone (turns out baby’s head was blocking it) and they left me with no pain relief till 2pm, went on to gas and air and was left until I was 10cm which took forever and then I was asked to start pushing, didn’t feel ready but they did that for 2 1/2 hours which we were then wheeled into theatre for forceps birth, that didn’t work so then I had to have a c section. That went pretty straight forward and at a debrief they told told me that because I curled into a bed and clung to to the gas and air I slowed my own labour down so I was too exhausted and my DD was in a difficult position. They said because the gallstone attacks were so painful I must have just thought if that pain is bad labour is worse and not relaxed my body enough to progress

The second time with DS the pregnancy itself was horrific. I had the surgery to remove the gallstones a month before I got pregnant so I thought nothing can go wrong this time. They advised me to try for a natural birth, okay I will.. apparently I was in a pretty healthy bracket since I’d lost weight after the gallstones. The pregnancy got to the 12 week scan and they told me there was something wrong with the placenta and that I needed to take aspirin so that his growth wasn’t affected and that had a high chance of having Edwards or Downs so we did the further testing and they told us he was fine and that he was a boy. I thought nothing could touch me and my baby now but then this anxiety that something would happen to him or me set in. They had told me to watch for any signs of a miscarriage for 6 weeks after the test, they were awful. The 20 week scan came and he was fine again after the placenta test. I then had gestational diabetes test and that was fine so I kept being reassured that I was getting over every hurdle. I went back to work from my maternity leave from my daughter and after about a month of stress (the company had changed whilst I was off, I was protected as was on maternity) I had a crying meltdown at work and got signed off, I told the midwife something was telling me that me or my baby was going to die & I told the GP that I felt I was juggling lots of balls but I wasn’t taking care of any of them and that I would drop one but one would be either my daughters health and something would happen to her or my sons and he would die. They signed me off till the end of December then it would be reviewed.

I went for a scan on Christmas Eve and they told me he was small, below all the centiles small and that there were holes in the placenta but they shouldn’t cause any problems. My stomach wasn’t growing and I couldn’t feel him move as much as I did with my daughter. They asked me how much I felt him move and I couldn’t remember so that night I counted and I couldn’t feel anything and if I did I couldn’t work out if it was imaginary or not. So Christmas Day morning came and I couldn’t concentrate so we went to the hospital after dropping daughter off at families house. They said all was fine and they would do another scan in 2 weeks.

6th January came and they did a scan but he hadn’t grown at all. I told them he was going to die in there and they said they will admit me and do daily monitoring and try and keep him in for another 3 weeks to get him to 37. I honestly thought they were crazy. I told them everyday I can’t feel him and I think he is conserving his energy ready to just give in and die. No one took me seriously. They did a scan and I had lost some amniotic fluid so they then decided to bring it forward, they gave me injections for his lungs so that if the worst happened he would have a bit of a more fighting chance.

I had him at 34 weeks and he was tiny 3 lbs 8. He didn’t need an incubator and he feed from a bottle after a coupes of days but I knew in my gut that he was not 34 weeks. We got discharged after 10 days and he only weighed 3 lbs 12. We ended up back in hospital every couple of days until March.

My c section this second time I thought went really smoothly. The doctor told me it was good and he was really pleased with how it turned out. I got into recovery and then after sitting up to enjoy some toast they were bringing over I bled out all over the bed. My fiancé had to put the phone down on my dad who he was telling at that exact moment that everything went well. My poor dad thought my fiancé was going to ring back and tell him I’d died. Surgeons rang in and nurses ran in, emergency bell was going and I hadn’t even seen my baby because he was whisked off to NICU so whilst they were trying to stop the bleeding I pictured never seeing my daughter again and my son never seeing me at all and leaving my fiancé behind who I love more than anything in this world. It was horrific and every hospital visit after that was awful because they didn’t know what was wrong with my son they just kept saying time will tell he is very small. He wouldn’t tolerate feeds at all he’d either be sick or his stomach would swell and affect his breathing and all I kept hearing was time will tell, he needs to grow. I’m like well you shouldn’t have discharged him in the first place then. They finally admitted his dates were off by about 2 weeks so he was 34 weeks but more like 32 and because he hadn’t grown at all he was more like 30 weeks weight wise.

I am furious about the care received and I have vowed to not have any more children at all. I don’t want another c section because it is not worth risking my life over especially with the piss poor maternity care they have in this country

Sorry to derail the thread, it’s so long I’m so sorry

Hi OP traumatic first birth here back to back long first phase, shoulder dystocia, haemorrhage and sepsis. DS has to be resuscitated and taken to special care and I had to be pumped full of drips and stitched up (then my gran died while all this was happening). I was never going to have another-not a chance! Fast forward 4 years and here I am 8 months pregnant. I asked for consultant referral from day 1 and had an early appointment with a consultant and midwife. They have been fantastic talked through all options and we decided and elective c-section at 39 weeks is the best option. I had a ‘birth revisited last session with a consultant and head of midwifery which I found massively helpful they pulled my notes and we went through step by step what happened, why it happened and I found this helped me understand what my body had been through and put a lot of my issues to bed. I went into my initial consultation pretty sure I wanted an elective section and they were very balanced giving me the statistics etc and it confirmed that it is the right decision for us. My consultant then booked my section in following my 12 week scan when we had a date as she didn’t want me to spend my whole pregnancy worrying about it (booked for 39weeks but got a review at 36 weeks with scan just to ensure this doesn’t need adjusted.

You could consider contacting your midwife/maternity unit or ask your GP for a referral to discuss a future pregnancy or request a birth review if this is something you would find helpful. Good luck with whatever you choose if someone told me a couple of years ago I was having another I would have thought they were on something but now my son is so excited to be getting a sister and I feel confident that booking an ELCS has given me some control of the situation.

I am lucky in that no one asks me when I will have a second child. My little one is growing up and I am not the mother I want to be. That makes me feel painfully sad and guilty. I also won't had another child which means she won't have a sibling.

Lockdown has highlighted my short comings as a parent and made the guilt so much worse.

I probably need a lifetime of therapy, but I don't know if I would be able to over come the issues.

I had a horrible first birth. One of the doctors I saw afterwards took one look and said 'It looks like you had a semtex suppository'. I needed a blood transfusion and one of my legs was paralysed from the knee down - I didn't even know that was an option and it was really difficult on the post-natal ward as I was still expected to do everything myself. The leg resolved after about 6 weeks. I needed surgery at about four weeks post-partum and will probably need more later.

I had specialist post-natal counselling - the most useful things from that were the counsellor saying 'I hear that from lots of women' and 'it seems totally reasonable to feel like that'.

I wouldn't have chosen to have DD2 if I hadn't been guaranteed an ELCS. I chose to go private for DD2. This was for a few reasons:

• I didn't want to go back to our local hospital, I struggled to hold it together just driving past for about a year.
• I didn't want to have to explain my history over and over. Our local MWs work on a team basis, so I knew I would end up having to explain my choice to about 4 MW before even getting to hospital.
• My post natal care was woeful - dismissive and with insufficient pain relief. It was like having been injured in a car crash, then given a baby and told to get on with it.
• I wanted a consultant, not a junior doctor, actually doing my care.

Going private was brilliant. There was a midwife, assistant and person who sorted out food between me and a couple of other women, so they had plenty of time to show us how to do things. The MWs were really thoughtful - they arranged for a MW to come and do the new baby check in a quiet patch in the middle of the night so that we didn't get stuck waiting. DH could stay overnight in my private, en suite room. There was no pressure to go home after 24 hours - I stayed 3 nights.The consultant made sure I was written up for liquid morphine - so different to being made to get by on paracetamol with quite significant birth injuries. It was an NHS hospital, so had back-up of ITU, NICU etc if needed.

I know that private care is expensive and not available everywhere, but I would definitely recommend it, if possible.

ELCS was a walk in the park compared to my first birth. I am generally quite a lucky person, the only regret I have in my life is not having an ELCS for my first birth - it has a lasting impact on my health.

My first birth experience was bloody awful.
The labour was ok but the delivery was just horrendous, had an episiotomy but still sustained a 3rd degree tear, then I heamorraged so needed blood transfusions and I was confined to a hospital bed for 5 days & put on a special diet that stopped me pooing so as not to out any pressure on the maze of stitches I had to have All this because my daughter was 10lb 8oz!!!

Despite being petrified of it happening again I went on to have another and was induced 2 weeks early to prevent the baby getting too big. I spent a pretty boring day in labour as not a lot was happening and actually fell asleep around 11pm only to wake up with sudden pain at just after 2am. The midwife checked and said quick you need to go to the delivery suite where I just managed to get on the bed and 3 pushes later he shot out like a rocket, weighing in at 9lb 11oz so another biggie!!
This time though I only needed 2 stitches and was back home by lunchtime.

So I had 2 completely different experiences one good and one bad, but both so worth the end result.

My first birth wasn't the greatest - but looking back now an awful lot of the issues I had were down to the midwife and lack of communication (because up til the shift change it was fine - then I had one who kept pushing pethidine on me as 'it's going to get much worse' -turns out I didn't get on with pethidine (had hallucinations - in fact my entire birth plan with my second was do not bring pethidine anywhere near me)

I did have an episiotomy but in medical terms my first birth was no where near as bad as yours sounds. When I was pregnant with my second I did end up thinking I didn't want to go back to the hospital and decided to have her at home - after she was born I remember thinking this is how it could be and that a difference the two were