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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break the lockdown rules in these specific circumstances?

31 replies

PanicOnTheStreets85 · 07/06/2020 12:21

DH is really missing his parents and has been crying about it this morning. His mental health is not great right now.

DFIL is (very reluctantly) shielding. If he gets the virus it will probably kill him, but he might not have much time left anyway.

We have a 20 month old with no concept of social distancing and we don't drive.

DPIL drive and have been using their car recently (eg for click and collect when unable to easily to get online shopping). DPIL are are a little less than an hour's drive from us.

So legally we could let DPIL drive over and meet us in a park, although it would be difficult to keep DS at a safe distance.

I think a better idea, whilst technically illegal, would be for us to isolate for 2 weeks and then DPIL to just come over to sit in our house without social distancing. The risks ought to be minimal. We think we've probably had the virus anyway as me, DH and DS all had wheezy coughs at the time the virus was at its peak, but I'd want to strictly avoid going out for 2 weeks anyway prior to the visit as I want to minimise the risks.

We could even buy a can or two of petrol whilst preparing for isolation so DPIL would not have to stop off for petrol on the way back.

Would this be unreasonable? Is there any risk that I am missing?

OP posts:
LadyFeliciaMontague · 07/06/2020 12:34

I think the effect of waiting 2 weeks for DH, When his mental health is so fragile, would be worse than FIL driving over. Why doesn’t DH just see his DF? You stay at home with DS as it would be impossible for him to understand needing to stay away from your FIL?

CardsforKittens · 07/06/2020 12:38

What if your DH met his parents in a nearby park? I’m sure you want to see them too, and no doubt they’d love to see your child, but this way you’d be sticking to the guidelines and no one would have to wait two weeks.

Original poster
PanicOnTheStreets85 · 07/06/2020 12:38

Why doesn’t DH just see his DF?

It might sound a bit silly written down but one of the things that DH is upset about is his parents being unable to see DS.

OP posts:
Goingtogetflamed · 07/06/2020 12:40

Is your DH upset enough about his parents not seeing your DS to want to put their lives at risk for it?

Windyatthebeach · 07/06/2020 12:41

My adult ds has mh issues.
I have been having a cuppa in his garden 2m apart all along.
The alternative was finding him....
2 weeks isolating sounds fine..
Imo.

MrsFezziwig · 07/06/2020 12:41

Why are you making things so complicated? Just let PIL meet DH in a park & you stay at home with DS.
If you’re the kind of family who can’t do anything separately, then coincide the meeting time with when DC is napping & in his buggy. If he doesn’t nap, then you take him off in the park for a run round while DH socially distances with his parents.

CookieDoughKid · 07/06/2020 12:42

I think meet in a park and have your 20month old in a buggy to avoid running off. If your little one gets too restless you can just walk home on your own? That way everyone benefits.

Noworrieshere · 07/06/2020 12:43

Does DS still nap? Could you time a walk round the park with ds napping in his pushchair? I know they couldn't interact with him but they could see him? They could even stroke his leg or something, I would think that would be okay. They could push him. Or is that a really stupid idea?

wedding2021 · 07/06/2020 12:43

I think he should meet them in a park on his own. That's better than nothing surely and within guidelines.

rosesandcashmere · 07/06/2020 12:43

I think isolating yourselves with a small child for 2 weeks will be MUCH harder than you think. The hard truth is, that if he misses his parents, he'd miss his shielding dad much more if he caught the virus and passed away. I assume he's shielding for a reason? I think the best solution is for them to have a socially distanced outdoor chat without DS. It's hard but it's not forever - although it could be if your DIL contracted COVID. Sorry to be so blunt. I hope you find a solution. Can you send a smart device so they can video call DS?

PawPawNoodle · 07/06/2020 12:45

Put you child in reins and go to the park.

Original poster
PanicOnTheStreets85 · 07/06/2020 12:45

Is your DH upset enough about his parents not seeing your DS to want to put their lives at risk for it?

But that's the thing, if we isolate for 2 weeks prior, I can't see how it would be much of a risk.

OP posts:
MrsFezziwig · 07/06/2020 12:46

Or indeed, if you have a garden then just sit in that (I was assuming you didn’t as your plan was so complicated). Your plan is only better (but as you say, not in the guidelines) if you’re planning to let DS climb all over PILs.

biglittlemedium · 07/06/2020 12:47

Just do it. I would never, ever have said this a couple of weeks ago but the fact that the politicians are implicitly supporting the mass gatherings and protests makes me think, fuck it.

Honeyroar · 07/06/2020 12:49

But during those two weeks his depression will probably get worse. I’d go and see them now. Ideally just your husband (to test the waters, so to speak) or else you all go and keep your toddler on reins or at a distance.

poozel · 07/06/2020 12:49

Yes, reins or trike or something like that and go for a walk

Chloemol · 07/06/2020 12:56

Mental health is not likely to stop for two weeks is it, just so your pil can come in the house.

Just as others have said, meet in the park, social distancing, with your child in the buggy, or on reins so he can’t run etc

It’s not difficult.

And if you isolate for 14 days then your pil would also have to, would they? No going out for click and collect. Unless you have been tested you won’t know if you have had it or not, and we don5 know if you could get it again do your pil could pass it to you

Just follow the rules

Crunchymum · 07/06/2020 13:03

If your DH is in a state about it today, isnt he going to deteriorate in the 2 weeks you are completely isolating?

CardsforKittens · 07/06/2020 13:04

Ah ok, your DS is one of the factors. Partly because your DH is worried about losing his own father and your DS growing up not knowing his granddad? If so, I see why your plan is to minimise risk indoors rather than meet in the park, even though the virus seems to be more easily transmitted indoors.

I suppose the question would be about ongoing contact. Could you all remain shielding indefinitely to enable regular indoor meetings until a vaccine is available? Or would it be a one-off? The latter seems unsatisfactory. But regular meetings in the park with DS strapped into a buggy might be more achievable.

Original poster
PanicOnTheStreets85 · 07/06/2020 13:05

I don't know. I think DH and DS would be OK with 2 weeks staying in with the promise of properly seeing and hugging his parents again. We have a tiny garden so DS could still get some fresh air. I'd find it a pain as I like to go out running but would stop for a couple of weeks to minimise the risks.

I think seeing them in the park or in the garden but being unable to hug might make it worse tbh. He keeps crying about the fact that he might never see his parents again and how he wishes he could just give them a proper hug. He is Skyping them but gets upset after the calls. Both his parents are elderly and in poor health so could drop dead at any point (we brought forward both our wedding and having DS because DH was concerned that his parents might die soon).

Plus if we're in our house then it's just us we have to worry about and can minimise those risks by isolating. In the park we'd have to worry about all the other people who live around here 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 07/06/2020 13:06

'Meet' at a distance outdoors, with your child on reins.

STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 07/06/2020 13:07

What will happen in 2 weeks +1 days time? Will DP miss them even more?

Moo7878 · 07/06/2020 13:14

^
But that's the thing, if we isolate for 2 weeks prior, I can't see how it would be much of a risk.^^*
*^
A friend caught a cold a few weeks ago, during the stricter phase of lockdown. They have no idea how they caught it - not been anywhere and had online grocery delivery. It's not zero risk, it's lower risk.

user1972548274 · 07/06/2020 13:17

we brought forward both our wedding and having DS because DH was concerned that his parents might die soon

Given the age of your son and estimating a timeline, is that a justified concern or the creation of an anxiety disorder?

What does "soon" mean?

And of life care is usually only if you have less than 12 months to live, so it can't have been that for the last three years?

I appreciate you can receive a life limiting diagnosis with more than twelve months but that would not be considered end of life or "soon" where you're constantly panicking the person will "drop dead" today.

I'm asking because I wonder what your longer term strategy for managing what is clearly a long term issue is? It won't go away after one meeting in 2 weeks when it's been going on at least three years.

user1972548274 · 07/06/2020 13:23

is that a justified concern or the creation of an anxiety disorder?

To clarify, I'm not questioning whether their health issues are real, just whether this frenzied panic of pulling every major life event forwards and sobbing over them dying before you can see them again etc etc is driven by or amplified by internal anxiety rather than external reality.

You need a more sustainable way to manage what's going on.