Would you be getting annoyed at this or AIBU?

[SingingInTheShithouse]

Genuine AIBU, as I am starting to get peed off with the following, or if my feelings on it or tainted due to a separate issue with messages between DH & the same person.

Undertones of accusing DH of keeping inherited pieces that weren't meant for him. DH genuinely doesn't have these pieces, though was upset that he didn't get any as it's a special interest of his & they were promised to him too. He hasn't complained that they went to a cousin instead, just accepted that the same grandparent seemed to have made the same promise to all the boys. Cousin definitely seems annoyed he doesn't have the full set though & is quizzing DH yet again, something already covered years ago.

My AIBU is over kids clothing that I posted offering free to local friends on faceache. Made clear it's to free up space we need now, so needs to go soon. DH Cousin pops up saying he'd have older size, but isn't local. Not close to this side of family & they don't live nearby, so we don't know their kids at all, but a very large, not well off family, so I thought it would be nice for his young teen to have a choice of clothes, including some branded stuff she probably doesn't usually have a choice of. So
I offered to post some of it if he covered postage. PM says yes, I'll have that size, plus size X&Y too. Bit taken aback as that wasn't mentioned initially, & no can I, or please or thank you anywhere, but okay I'll go with it. Lots more back & forth, a bit too interested in labelled stuff & contradicting themselves, which made me a bit uncomfortable, so I covered labelled in later photos. Generally hard work understanding replies too as they seemed to contradict themselves

DD was seriously ill & mostly housebound when she was this size, so before anyone picks up on it, yes she was very spoilt, she's also an only, so we could afford it more .

I spent hours & hours going through, folding, pressing, even washing some of it to photograph for the girl to choose from. Made it clear several times over (I thought) that she was to choose a few pieces from each photo, which were broken into tops, pants etc. Only to be left on read, until I pushed harder for a response a day later. Currently have it all blocking our sofa, so I want it packed up or gone, which again was made clear. They've come back saying they can't afford postage for a few weeks, which means I wanted a choice made now so I can bag up the rest they don't want & get rid of it, probably sell now as it's a bit easier than a few weeks ago. Not ideal as that wasn't made clear to begin with, but fir the girls sake I said okay.

At no point have I had a please, thank you or even can I, just I'll have that etc, which is peeing me off as I have a thing about bad manners & if it wasn't DHs cousin I would have told them that they were being rude by now. Im also expecting grief about the postage cost as it's going to be heavy with trainers etc included

A bit more too it, but having finally got the rest of photos back of what they want, they ignored choose pieces from each photo & I just got "she wants everything in these photos.

I feel I've already spent too much time on this for a favour for someone I hardly know, I feel they moving into the realms of cheeky fuckery & as above, the bad manners & tbh entitled attitude & rudely leaving me on read, is peeing me off.

So I of a mind to just choose pieces from the item group photos they've sent me, not send photos of the other kids sizes as I'm expected & did agree to, but shove a few bits in the box of my choosing & be done with it. AIBU ?

For £12 you can ship bulk using parcelforce 48 or 72

I think a kind family member would just post it and not expect any money in return. You were offering them free and so clearly didn't need any money from selling them.

I think they're planning to re-sell them, and OP has no obligation to be kind to a grabby person she's not close to.

OP, did anyone else express an interest? If they did, and can pick them up soon, I'd give away what you can. Either way, tell Cousin Entitled that he needs to arrange for it to be gone by next Sunday or it'll be down to the charity shop on the following Monday. My guess is that if the most valuable stuff has gone he'll lose interest in the rest.

We are as skint as the next person given current circumstances, so nope, that was never in offer. Also DHs extended family who I've hardly met, let alone know.
The only reason we weren't selling it all was.
A. To clear space quickly so we can renovate a room whilst DH has time given he has no work atm.
B. not have the hassle of going through it & photographing it all
C. Doing a favour for local friends with kids needing clothes

So no, I won't be offering to cover postage & it would be extreme cheeky fuckery to expect us to do so when they do still have income & we don't.

Everyone else who we gave stuff too were happy with the sack it came in to go through it themselves

Oh & cant get to parcel force. Only post office & once only, as we are a high risk household

Meh, I would just say that someone has offered to pick up the lot right away and that works better for you as you need the space.

Don't apologise or explain or reason with them, they are taking advantage of you.

You were offering it free, you want to get rid of it, you obviously don’t have the inclination / time / patience to sell it yourself: whether cousin wants it to keep or sell is therefore pretty immaterial and I think you’re being unreasonable and petty to try and make them take only some designer items and then non-designer items they don’t want, because you don’t want them to sell designer things.

They’re being a bit unreasonable to want you to store until they can afford postage when you were clear you want the things taken quickly, so just tell them you need everything gone and if they can’t pay postage by X date you’ll offer to somebody else.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable but also get why. I'd probably ask them to pay postage but I'd also just send them what they wanted. Yes they're being rude and yes they clearly act entitled based on previous annoyances with your OH and things they feel they're owed.
However, you did push them to pick things, you did say you wanted it all gone so they needed to let you know - is there a chance they've said they want everything because you pressed for a response and said you wanted it all gone? Maybe they got overwhelmed and just said they'd take everything?
If I'm honest it was a bit exhausting reading through this so I can imagine both sides found it exhausting actually being involved and keeping track of what is/isn't expected. I'd also wonder if they would even noticed if you didn't send them everything. Other than them being entitled is there a reason you don't want to give them everything?? Has someone else asked for something?

If you're not happy giving them everything just pack up whatever items they've specifically asked for, plus whatever else you think is fair and send it. If they complain shrug it off and say it's free stuff so they can't complain about it.

In short: send it and let the situation go as it's not worth any more effort than you've already spent getting wound up.

Just stop messaging them and sell the stuff instead. It's not worth the hassle.

I'd also just sell on to someone local and stop with the hassle.

I’d just sell/give them away to anyone who can come and get them. You owe these cousins nothing and they sound like write CFs.

TBH they’re probably holding out for you to offer to pay postage. I bet if you say nothing else they won’t even bother.

You have made the mistake of not being crystal clear to yourself from the outset. As in, they are your possessions so YOU need to be 100% clear what you want to do with them.

What I would have done was

1. Split up the clothes into 2 groups. A. To sell, likely to get buyers on ebay. B. To give to cousin.

1. Send parcel B to cousin, you pay, it's a gift to them.

1. List the clothes A on ebay individually to get best price for them.

It is clear they wanted ALL of the clothes. YABU sending pictures and expecting them to say no to any!

Good luck selling, good way to make a bit of money back.

Post office take parcelforce items, so you're fine. With regards to giving them anything though, I'd personally not bother. They won't thank you. You've gone to the trouble of photographing it all now. Put it on eBay in bundles and get something for it. You're being a mug

Box up a small selection of your choice and wait for them to pay postage. Do as you please with the rest. They dont appreciate it at all so it really doesn't matter. Watch them use your photos to sell it on!

TBH, I just couldn't make such a drama about some second hand clothes that you were happy to give away.

Surely you can just package them all up, and send them to him. For the sake of a few quid's postage, surely its worth it to get them gone, and not have to give it any more headspace.

Thanks for the further replies.

To answer a few points...

It was made very clear on sending the photos that their DD was getting first choice of the items & now it's easier, we will be selling the rest of the stuff in bundles.

At the point of advertising to local friends for free on Facebook, we couldn't sell due to lockdown & needed the space to renovate the room they were stored in whilst DH is available due to no work during lockdown. Hence why it was free to go quickly. I'm also disabled & more recently with a neck injury that makes doing a car boot, or stuff like sorting out for photos very difficult so I was trying to avoid that, but have ended up doing it anyway.

Gobsmacked that some think picking over the designer bits to sell on is acceptable. Glad I don't live in your universe, that incredibly entitled 😐

It has crossed my mind that they will sell on, especially when one photo was sent back to me of items they'd already chosen by accident & I've made it very clear we'd be unhappy if they did that.

If it was just this person & not the girl herself I think I'd be happy just to sell it all & feck them off, but it was done for the girls sake & I don't want to let her down because her parent is rude. I'm not happy to be sending 9 pairs of trousers for example, as I don't see the need.

Good point about them expecting us to back down & cover postage though. I hadn't thought of that & it would definitely make sense given the faffing around

I would place the onus on them now with a clear 'as we need the space, I'll be passing these items onto a local family if I don't receive postage fee by Friday'.

Thanks everyone

I have now put the onset on them as suggested p, I've also stopped giving any more in other sizes & have been much firmer in my posts to them. Resulted in them responding that the postage cost doesn't matter, they can afford to pay it, maybe they can afford now if I let them know how much it is. Sooo, muggins me sat & weighed the stuff a bit at a time on kitchens scales to try & calculate the postage costs & sent it last night & they've left me on read yet again.

Still not even a hint of actual appreciation/please or thank you for the effort I'm making & I am now soo, sooo close to telling them to f right off & exactly why😏 if it was my own & not DHs family, that would have happened by now 🤬
Trying so hard to keep my eye on the fact that it isn't the kids fault they have an ignorant grabby pillock for a parent

OP, just leave it. Seriously.

You don’t see them, have no relationship with them, and the whole thing has turned into an utter ballache. Don’t feel sorry for ‘the girl’ - you don’t know her from Adam really, and the chances are she’s not getting any of it anyway!

Tell them that you can’t hang onto it all any longer, they’ve messed you around long enough, and then do what you want with it all.

Ring a refuge and give them the lot..

I agree. Abandon the plan and ignore them. Give the clothes to a refuge or a charity like the Salvation Army who will give them to deserving children who will really appreciate them

Why are you so worried about straight-talking with your husband's cousins that he rarely sees?

Why are you so worried about straight-talking with your husband's cousins that he rarely sees?

I'm not, but DH is a bit, I personally don't get it as he agrees he's rude. He will back me though.

Yes I don't know the girl, but I'd feel bad as from some messages say she's seen the stuff, so as teens often are, she's likely excited by new clothes & as I say, it's not her fault.

I can't do anything today, but if I don't have a suitable response by tomorrow, I will be telling them to sling their hook & selling some & donating the rest elsewhere.

I have already got rid of some stuff to friends, who took all of one size & split it with friends of theirs that we know. That was such a completely different experience to this situation that I'm finding it all a bit gobsmacking

Why not DM the child herself and ask what she'd choose? If she knows nothing at all about it or seems indifferent, the parents are planning to sell., I'd suggest.

In your situation, I woukd have expected, "Oh, that's kind, thank you - Lucy loves wearing (colour) and those (items) would be perfect for her. She's thrilled at the idea of having something new (to her) when she can't get out and shop!"

My sil used to give me bits for my dd. I never asked, they were always lovely and I always thanked her.
Suddenly she started giving the clothes else where. I was a bit disappointed but they were hers to give where she wished.
Give your dd clothes to who you wish.
Don't worry about cousins. They're not your problem and they're jolly rude.