Worried narcissistic MIL will try and take us to court for access.

[Bumblebee225]

Hi all,

It’s my first time posting here, but I hope some of you may be able to offer advice and share similar experiences. Please bare with me as it’s a bit of a long story.
So 12 months ago, we decided to cut off contact with my partners mother. She is a very controlling and manipulative woman, who will not give in until she gets her own way. Even before we had children, relationships were toxic. We once had the police involved when she attacked my partner and she had also previously attacked a girl my partner had slept with many years ago (for which she ended up in court for). So you can see, she has a horrible temper. She just isn’t any good for for my partners mental health as she bullied and emotionally abused him growing up. She has also poisoned his siblings against him. My partner has blocked her numbers, but she does attempt to contact every now and again, usually pleading and playing the victim (I left a communication channel open incase there was something significant we needed to know - mistake I know).

So we were quite happy with life until a few days ago she turned up at the end of our driveway (even though we made it clear we don’t want her in our life). She eventually went away, but then started texting me with threats of court if we won’t meet her and explain what she has done (even though it’s all been said to her before). She demanded that we all meet otherwise her only option is going to a solicitor.

Now my main fear is that she will try to get access to our two children. My little girl is now 1 - she’s only met her twice when she was a newborn. My little boy is now 3 but she has had very minimal contact up until the age of 2. There would often be many months between her seeing him at all and she never saw him unsupervised. I feel sick that this woman could force some kind of contact. She would do it to punish us not because she cares about anybody but herself. Definitely not somebody I would trust and hand my kids over willingly to her.

Does anybody have any similar experiences or any advice about what I should do?

TIA

That would make sense. And I suspect most people, having been through a nightmare already, are probably keen to draw a line under it and try and forget and move on.

I would add to the good advice about informing nursery /childminders/schools in the future that she is not to take the children. Make sure that you have a safe word in place that the nursery/childminder/schools know that anyone other than you collecting your children must use whatever reason they give for collecting them. Tell them about the abuse and the court case to emphasise that this is not just a dil/mil spat but a seriously unhinged and potentially violent woman.

I really appreciate all of your comments, support and advice. I feel a lot better. She tried to tell me that because we will not meet her and tell her what she’s done (we’ve told her many times before) then she will take us to court for deformation of character - which I know is absolute rubbish because there is none. I’m more concerned about her trying to get access.
I will definitely write everything down incase we need to jog our memories at some point (I could write a book honestly). I did take a picture of her car too for evidence. In addition to the incident when the police were called out we logged another call with 101 before this when she threatened to have our windows smashed! We do plan to move house in the next year or two and will definitely not be telling her our new address.

She wouldn’t have a hope in hell of getting access, she sounds vile! I would ignore her, cut all channels of communication with her, write everything done times dates etc if she comes anywhere near your property, you certainly don’t have to obey her, let her waste her money!

I would add that if you do get a letter from a solicitor, which is very unlikely, it might be because the solicitor has been lied to - it does happen. Make sure the solicitor knows about the court appearances and the lack of contact previously. Also don't be intimidated by threats to complain to MPs or go to Judge Rinder or the like.

I wouldn't engage with her at all, let her carry on thinking that she's got a case, that will keep her busy and stop her looking for alternative ways to attack you and control you

*the duty exists but I don't think all solicitors prioritise it equally. A relative of mine going through divorce got really shitty letters from her Ex's solicitor with various claims in relation to maintenance and access (I saw them). Which, when eventually unpicked in court, were fundamentally not true and were reflected in the result.

That’s shocking. Presumably there were sanctions for the solicitor? It’s the kind of thing that ends up before the law society when it happens (as it should).

She has no automatic route into the court process to apply for contact (like a parent would have). She would have to apply for leave to make and application in order to be able to make the application - so she has to convince two judges.

If it does happen, just stick to the facts - no emotions just the facts. Minimal contact with children during their lives, these are the reasons we don’t have contact, would be detrimental to their wellbeing to introduce a stranger who treats their parents so badly. Keep the shitty texts somewhere and document incidents contemporaneously (again factually).

Remember that the default is “no” so she has to convince the judge, not you. Unlike between parents where the default is “yes” and you have to introduce evidence against,

As has been said, she hasn't got a legal leg to stand on.
But she may continue to harass you, including making phonecalls to other bodies, to try and bully you into giving in.
If your children are in any sort of daycare, make absolutely sure that they know your MIL is NOT to be allowed near them.
Block her number as well - do not engage with her at all.
If she sends anything through the post, either return to sender, address unknown, or bin it.

So glad you're moving house in the near future!

The 'court' threat is just a grown-up's (as in years, not maturity) way of saying "I'll tell my mum of you!" Pathetic and empty, from someone who knows they are in the wrong

Grandparents won't be granted access if you can show the narcissism has a negative impact on the kids. She hasn't had contact so far and has an assault charge. Keep screen shots of texts, record her threats, times what was said etc. Don't engage.

who the heck voted yabu ? is that you op's mil and your cronies ?
seriously i'd be interested to know why a yabu voter thinks that way.

Hi there, @Bumblebee225 - we're just popping in to say that we've now disabled voting on here. Hope that helps but give us a shout if we can do anything else.

Thanks.

I'm a solicitor. My advice would be to ignore the loon

Don't take any notice of people trying to make this complicated, warning you to set money aside for a solicitor or giving anecdotes about parents wanting access. That stuff could cause you worry. As many have said, she has no right, ignore her.

There is a difference between a solicitor's letter saying that their client has said you do not feed the children, for example and one that says you do not feed your children and they will be taken off you. When you say solicitors have made false statements about the law etc make sure they really have and are not saying what they have been instructed to say as an aligation. They have a duty to the Courts but are not investigators of the Courts. Do if you get a solicitor's letter then really read what it says. If it is mostly just a list of allegations in the first instance then they have no more legal sway than if they were being shouted at your window. If it a factual letter about what action COULD be taken, then that doesn't have any sway as to whether it will be successful or not. As PP have said it has zero chance of succeeding. It's still stressful for you putting up with this BS, but there is no way she will see your children unless you decided it is going to happen. The defamation threats are also BS. The last resort if an unhinged women.

I hope she doesn’t cause you any significant trouble OP, she sounds batshit. Have you thought about taking her to court and/or getting a restraining order against her? Beat her to it.

Please don’t worry. A lot of narcissistic or abusive grandparents have jumped on the whole “Grandparents rights” thing without actually realising what that is and why it was brought in.

It was very carefully explained to someone I know that it was brought in so that Grandparents who have a strong and ongoing relationship with their Grandchild can apply for permission to go to court to have access which would fulfil the child’s right to continue with that relationship.

It’s not about Granny being a dick to Mum and Dad with zero consequences.

You might find you get a solicitors letter at some point because she’s gone to one and told them a sob story about she single handedly brought up the grandkids before you fell out with her over something petty. Ignore it.

You know it’s bullshit and in your circumstance she won’t get near a court.

Keep the diary as you’ve said and don’t give her any headspace.