Worried narcissistic MIL will try and take us to court for access.

[Bumblebee225]

Hi all,

It’s my first time posting here, but I hope some of you may be able to offer advice and share similar experiences. Please bare with me as it’s a bit of a long story.
So 12 months ago, we decided to cut off contact with my partners mother. She is a very controlling and manipulative woman, who will not give in until she gets her own way. Even before we had children, relationships were toxic. We once had the police involved when she attacked my partner and she had also previously attacked a girl my partner had slept with many years ago (for which she ended up in court for). So you can see, she has a horrible temper. She just isn’t any good for for my partners mental health as she bullied and emotionally abused him growing up. She has also poisoned his siblings against him. My partner has blocked her numbers, but she does attempt to contact every now and again, usually pleading and playing the victim (I left a communication channel open incase there was something significant we needed to know - mistake I know).

So we were quite happy with life until a few days ago she turned up at the end of our driveway (even though we made it clear we don’t want her in our life). She eventually went away, but then started texting me with threats of court if we won’t meet her and explain what she has done (even though it’s all been said to her before). She demanded that we all meet otherwise her only option is going to a solicitor.

Now my main fear is that she will try to get access to our two children. My little girl is now 1 - she’s only met her twice when she was a newborn. My little boy is now 3 but she has had very minimal contact up until the age of 2. There would often be many months between her seeing him at all and she never saw him unsupervised. I feel sick that this woman could force some kind of contact. She would do it to punish us not because she cares about anybody but herself. Definitely not somebody I would trust and hand my kids over willingly to her.

Does anybody have any similar experiences or any advice about what I should do?

TIA

Continue to ignore her. Let her go to a solicitor if she wants, they should simply tell her she can’t force contact and if she continues just turning up etc that could be harassment

They should also tell her grandparents have no rights in this country so she can’t force anyone to let her see your children

i swear this post could have been mine! my partners mum threatened to take me to court to see my child so i called a solicitor and got advice he told me it costs about 20k to just get the ball rolling on that and in total would cost about 50k and i had proof she attacked me etc. 9 years down the line im still waiting for the court letters to come in.

There is absolutely no way in these circumstances she would get any sort of access to your children. A solicitor would tell her as such. Please don't worry

This. In law, grandparents have zero rights to access to their grandchildren. Let her waste her money, she wont get anywhere. I promise you.

@Bumblebee225

You seem to have done all the right things. I would wholeheartedly support that you contact everyone [playgroups etc] and provide written instructions to them as to allowing no contact or pickup and so on.

Unfortunately I do not agree 100% that any solicitor will give unbiased advice. To some degree at least some will offer the "best case scenario" that the client wishes to hear. Or the client hears what she wants to hear!

20 k to get the ball rolling?

That is not true. It costs nothing to fill out a contact applcation yourself and maybe a couple hundred to get a solicitor to do it. It then costs the court fees of a couple hundred to lodge the applciaiton to court. Unless you a low earner and can apply for help for fees with the court fees.

parents up and down this land are most definitely not paying 20-50k to go through the full gamut of a contact applciaiton to court.

But either way there is no way the OP's MIl or yours imamum would be able to get anywhere. I am glad that you are no longer worried imamum you need not be.

Ignore it and let her waste her money. She won't get anywhere. Please don't worry.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter - they do not have an automatic right, however they can apply to court for permission to seek a child arrangement order for access.

www.gov.uk/contact-grandchild-parents-divorce-separate

However the grandparents have to demonstrate that contact is in the child/ren's best interests - which is usually dependent on a history of a prior relationship with the grandparents.

She's just trying to frighten you in to giving in to her demands.
Very likely she knows she would have no chance (unless she is very stupid).

However the grandparents have to demonstrate that contact is in the child/ren's best interests - which is usually dependent on a history of a prior relationship with the grandparents

Yes, and with her history of violence and court appearances she doesnt stand a chance so either way, its not gonna happen. She's looking for an easy threat.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on, block the number and contact you keep open for her and the siblings sound no better tbh, if they have been able to be conditioned against their brother.
I'd have nothing to do with any of them, move and not tell them where you've gone.

Yes, and with her history of violence and court appearances she doesnt stand a chance so either way, its not gonna happen. She's looking for an easy threat.

Yes I agree.

In law, grandparents have zero rights to access to their grandchildren

That's right, but wanted to post to give you support. Not pleasant for you, nor your family, that I'm afraid you will have to accept for the time being. The law is on your side. Others have given you practical advice on blocking etc. I wish you and those you love all the best for your futures.

Do nothing and block her number. She can threaten all she wants but, by the look of the gransnet estrangement pages, court ordered access for grandparents is rarely successful. To take your own child to court and subject your grandchild to that level of stress
almost underlines what kind of person you are.

Continue to ignore her and let her waste her money. If she harasses you, don’t deal with her directly, contact the police.

Any direct contact with her will just make her think she’s won because she’s getting to you.

I wouldn't even bother to go to a solicitor on your own account at this stage. I strongly suspect a good solicitor will tell you MiL to forget it as she has no chance realistically.

Keep clear records so you can show the police her harassment.

bear in mind that solicitors can write anything in a letter. It doesn't mean it's true or enforceable.

No, they can’t. They have an overriding duty to the court which comes before their duty to their client and which means they can’t lie or tell you your MIL has the power to do something which she doesn’t do. All they can do is say that OP’s MIL may raise proceedings to gain access if OP and her husband aren’t willing to negotiate. But as PP have said, there is very little to no prospect of that ever being allowed.

Write down everything she has said and time and date it today, that she threatened you with court if you did not meet. No court in the land will give her any access seeing as you’ve had none for a year, she doesn’t know the children and you have police action against her.

Also there is a pandemic on, no meeting up inside!

No court in the land would give her access to your children.

@zscaler the duty exists but I don't think all solicitors prioritise it equally. A relative of mine going through divorce got really shitty letters from her Ex's solicitor with various claims in relation to maintenance and access (I saw them). Which, when eventually unpicked in court, were fundamentally not true and were reflected in the result.

Ignore and block her. Call 101 and log the threatening messages. This will help should you need to take further action to keep her from contacting/harassing you and also shows that your issues with her and her behaviour are current and ongoing. Have you considered moving (obviously once it's better circumstances) so that she doesn't know your address?

Which, when eventually unpicked in court, were fundamentally not true and were reflected in the result

Were there consequences for the solicitor? I would have thought that a solicitor lying about the law should have consequences and not be able to practice? Thats really concerning

I don't believe so.

There was a thread in Relationships on here the other day, where the OP's Ex is a financially controlling arsehole. And who is - quite predictably - trying to use the kids as a weapon. OP was posting about his solicitor being an absolute nightmare. IIRC one of the suggestions she'd had in a letter was that Ex would pay maintenance but subject to the OP providing a monthly statement of expenditure, complete with supporting explanations and receipts of where, what and why the money had been spent on. Before seeing my relative's experience, I would've assumed it was a load of bollocks, but not now.

Perhaps they only investigate if a formal complaint is made to the legal ombudsman/law society?