Grandfather with dementia - family not helping him

[Aprilbaby2020]

Posting for traffic.
My grandfather is late 70s. His wife died two years ago and he lives two hours away in a bungalow alone. The past two years his memory has gotten progressively worse and he is showing all the signs of dementia. My mum booked an appointment for him to see a doctor at the memory clinic who have said they can’t deal with him until he cuts down on drinking (he’s a functioning alcoholic).
The problem is he was abusive to my mum and her brother when they were children and she has blocked this out for many years but recently he has reverted back to talking to her the way he did when she was a child and she’s finding it too traumatic to deal with him.
My mum and uncle have both totally avoided all his phone calls now for weeks. He’s confused and barely eats according to his friends who message my mum asking her to do something.
This is difficult for my mum but I feel she’s burying her head in the sand and placing the responsibility on other people in the community to deal with him which isn’t fair.
The question is how can I help, can I do anything? Has anyone got experience of this? I’m thinking do I call social services and try and get him assessed that way? Thanks in advance

Didn’t mean to enable voting

That's a horrible position to be in. I'm not sure what the best way to handle that is, social services might be the only way if your mum and uncle won't do anything. It's not fair to let him starve to death.

Call Adult Social Services to get him some help.

That's the problem with having to deal with an alcoholic parent. No matter how scarred, or scared, you are due to their behaviour, someone has to deal with them when their health fails.

In your case, OP, social services will probably be his best / only option.

You cant pressure your mum to look after someone who abused her. When she was in need of his help he didn't give it, why should she not return the favour.

If you want to help him then do so. But leave your mum out of it.

Yeah yabu.

You are annoyed that your mum and uncle can't face caring with their alcholic abuser.

Unfortunately, many older people don't have people to care for them for many reasons.

A call to adult social services is needed. Either you or the friend can contact them.

I have been in your position. Grandad, an alcoholic, dementia. Except that we did care for him. Mum already has MH from his abuse as a child. It deteriorated further, she still isn't recovered 5 years on.

My other 2 aunties are still on medication for depression and anxiety, as am I. By the time he died, we all struggled with our MH.

You say he isnt eating. Is he still drinking?

Yes, call Social Services. Pop over to the "elderly parents" board for practical advice, and to get a picture of the demands of dealing with elderly parents.

Thank you all for your input
I’m not annoyed at my mum I just also worry about her and I don’t want her to feel regret or any guilt for not putting things in place but I do understand her feelings.
I just feel as I’m less emotional about the situation i have a responsibility to sort something out
Will try social services

I quite understand your mother and uncle's feelings having been in their situation myself. Please don't put pressure on them to care for a father who treated them so badly as children. If you want and can help him yourself, do so. Otherwise speak to social services and explain no-one is able to do so.

I wouldn't want to care for him if he was my alcoholic abuser either.
He has reaped what he sowed.
Call Adult social services for him. He's not your Mother or her brothers responsibility.

Please do not place the blame on your mother and uncle. Why should they care for a man who abused them as children?

I am an adult social worker. I advise you to call adult social care at the council and report your concerns. Say he has no family members willing to provide support and you are worried for his safety and well-being.

Disappointing how the doctor did not make this referral.

Totally agree that its not your mother or uncles responsibility to help this man, after the choices he made throughout his life. Things like that dont go away once you need help.

If he didnt have any family then social services would have to step in. Tbh i would tell the friend who is contacting you/your mother to report it to them, and let the family stay out of it all together. Just because he's ill it does not make him a nice man worthy of family support.

Thank you all again. I will contact social services.
I am not minimising what my mum has been through i just have no idea how situations like this work and I wasn’t sure if people would blame her or my uncle for not doing anything.
I am going to get it sorted so that people stop hounding them.

If you could do that, letting them know that SS are dealing, I am sure you would relieve them both of a lot of guilty feelings.

But don't get sucked in yourself. Tell SS he has no family who can or will. They will understand, though they may push. The distance between you all is a good thing.

Best if luck.

Sorry but its absolutely 'unfair' to expect your mum to help/support an alcoholic drunk who abused her - just because he's her father, I can't believe you expect this of her.

SS

I'd call social services. In a some cases people like this behave dreadfully towards family but better towards outsiders for some reason. This may be beyond what your mum can cope with and someone doing care as a job won't have the same baggage with him and can detach more easily.

@SkySmiler you’re missing the parts where I have said I understand her feelings and I just don’t want her to feel guilt or have people hounding her. Why bother commenting to just upset me?

I also fully support your mum and I am glad you understand her reasonings.

Yes to adult social services and also your grandfather’s GP. Call them both and explain there are no family members able to help. Age UK can also offer support if needed.

It is totally fair that your mum and your brother don't want anything to do with this man. There is no reason for them to feel guilty and if others blame them you can help by reminding them of that.

If you want to do something phone Adult Social Care and notify you grandad's gp. But be aware there is little anyone can do if he refuses help and quite a lot of self neglect is accepted.

@aprilbaby2020 well done you for asking the question. Your DM and DU obviously aren't emotionally able to deal with this so I think its fabulous you've realised that something needs to be done. Yes contact adult SS, explain what is happening and tell them under no circumstances will his children be involved in any care or visitation and you don't need to explain further. Take care.

Apologies OP not my intention, I just identify totally with your mum as this will be expected of me soon.... and flying monkeys are just awful, hope it all works out for you and your family

This is harsh, but you reap what you sew!!

I understand your feelings OP, my FIL was abusive to my husband who wants nothing to do with him (he is in a care home with dementia) and I was concerned that his choice to step away was going to cause him issues further down the line. Sadly dementia can cause aggression and this can be an understandable trigger for family members who have been on the receiving end of abuse in earlier times. This is especially difficult to deal with when carers who do not know the resident or their past history see them as sweet old dears. My FIL used to set off fireworks with cats in basements and throw other kids into skips when he was younger, a real piece of work. When he was moving into the care home one of the carers turned to me and said 'you can tell he's lovely' - this from a few mintues of being in his company. You've done the right thing by thinking of how your mum might feel but if you get in touch with adult social services they will process things very quickly. If there is no POA you will have very little choice anyway in what happens. Hope it works out for you.

This is difficult for my mum but I feel she’s burying her head in the sand and placing the responsibility on other people in the community to deal with him which isn’t fair.

OP, saying that it isn't fair for your mother not to deal with it herself doesn't come across as supportive. Speak to the adult social care department in his area for more advice - if he is hospitalised for any reason, he would be seen by a hospital social worker and get some support on leaving hospital - has this happened or is it likely? Has he ever had any treatment for alcohol dependency in the past, or is his GP aware of the issue (might be, if the clinic have mentioned it).

Your original post does not sound very supportive at all. I'm fact it comes across as judgemental. your line about your mom sticking her head in the sand is infuriating. Your mother did do something. She called the memory.center who.refused to.do.something due to his drinking and they refused to help. Your mother has since been abused by her father again and it sounds like your judging her. Call Social Services and help them to help you with your grandfather and deal with his abuse