To split up my family over his ex and daughter

[Iwishlifewasrainbows]

I have name changes for this. So both DH and I on 2nd marriage and have 2 DC from previous marriage and none together (will not be having any together). His ex is constantly on the phone or texting wanting money or is to have the kids more, pick them up earlier, moan about something to the point I am talk up to 10-20 texts a day even when they are not here plus phone calls. We have those kids 50/50 (probably more) so 7 out of 14 days she claims all child benefit and still wants maintenance which I have now stopped as we provide all clothes, shoes, uniform for our house. She regularly goes on holiday with her BF and never takes them and it’s always on her week with the kids meaning we have them them 3 weeks in a row messing up childcare etc and my DH refuses to say any or NO you can book it in you weeks without them!! We take them on holiday with us so it’s not an issue the other way.
Then we have the teenage daughters who talks to my DH like crap swearing and getting what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she cry’s and her mum phone and again has a go or if she isn’t busy come and gets her. This is over trivial things such as put your washing in the basket as at her mums house she isn’t made to. He is so scared of her going to her mums he ignores it but I refuse to let my children see this behaviour as ok and if I would’ve let mine do it I will not let any other child do it.
I don’t know how much more I can take- I love him I really do but he doesn’t get it that his ex constantly in our life ringing, texting is too much and not normal the kids are 12 and 10 not babies Or am I being horrible as I feel like I am loosing my mind in my own home

I think you need to be a little more understanding. His ex wife sounds quite troubled. Be kind.

why can't the ex be kind?

I'd split and date him as PP suggested

Only you can decide whether you can continue with the relationship as it is, the children are still young so I expect you will have a few more years of this OP, I can see why it’s getting you down. Good luck.

His youngest is 10
You have years of this shit left
Only you can decide if you can stick this out

Difficult situation. His ex is being unreasonable but she is witnessing the dad of her kiddies bringing up another two kiddies and maybe that’s the jealously. His his eldest is entering her teens that is hard enough as it is. She may be wanting attention from her dad ghat she sees him giving ur children. It’s tough for done kids and even ex wives with mixed families. I would sit down with your DH. Have a proper chat. I wish you well

Can you see a solicitor and get everything written up properly ? Contact times, visits etc.

Stepfamilies are always challenging! It seems his wife wants her cake and to eat it as well .I think Chickychickydodah is right .you need to draw up a contract and stick to it! His ex seems to be playing the do as I say card ,and he is probably worried about losing time with his daughters.

He has to email her with what is acceptable and what isnt. That he will not be answering calls or texts that are not vital. He needs to block her number when he has the children.
And specify to his dc as well what will or will not be acceptable in your house.
If he cant control a 12 year old, then the next few years will be hell for you all. Doing nothing is not the answer.
And he needs to keep to what he tells her 100%. It will take a while (like with a tantrumming toddler) but eventually she will get the message

Her urgent phone calls last week when we didn’t have them were regarding youngest child had taken switch to her house ( switch we had bought as a present) and she has let them play outside with it and it had been lost/stolen and she wanted it replaced by us that day. We informed her that wasn’t possible and we didn’t have the money for that and she and child has some responsibility as it wasn’t in our house so early morning calls were telling us she still had the charger and case for said item and would be putting them in a bag that child would have with them when he picked them up later that day so nothing important at all and no need to call.

We have talked and he feels as he doesn’t respond unless it’s actually important so ignores her or gives a minimal response it’s not an issue and doesn’t get its a problem for me and boundaries need to be set with her so she doesn’t think it ok.
Same thing with holidays she books holidays on our time without his children without asking us first and he told her that wasn’t right and she needed to check dates first due to our schedules as he can be working away and I work shifts, she agreed and then did the same again straight over our week without them and he said nothing about it and we were just expected to re range everything as she had already booked and paid for it

With the holidays I would say who is having the children

With the switch I wouldnt be allowing expensive things over there again put it on your local Facebook group if anyone child has come home with one they didnt have before its stolen

a 13 and 11 year old are capable of telling their mother that dad cannot speak right now because he is sleeping, as he has been/ is working nights

as she has booked and paid for it

a perfect opportunity but your dh gave in. If he had stood up for himself she would actually suffer from her actions. Make her have the kids on her weeks. Then she might see that she can't mess you about. A lost holiday might focus her mind.

Your dh has made a tiny effort but you need to somehow see that he needs to up that about 2000 times.

Emphasise that he is not just letting himself be treated badly but you and your kids too and it's not right or fair.

If he's ok with that sort of contact and his daughter's behaviour I don'r really see what you can do. It sounds completely out of control but perhaps you have to have one last shot at speaking to him about it. Tell him it's really affecting you, you don't think it's normal and you aren't giving him an ultimatum but just telling him that it's more than you can stand. If it doesn't stop then leave - you have 8+ years of the left, probably more because if it's not the kids it'll be something else.

But if he's not paying maintenance she's not resident parent so looking after her is the default position of ops husband. We've seen it often enough the other way round.

The best realisation when I ended my marriage was knowing I no longer had to deal with similar shit..
It won't change ime op..
Well likely it will get worse. Teens expect 24/7 taxi service.. I would be guessing it will be your dp..

*sorry dh..

In age old mn style, you have a dh problem.

He needs to sort this, and it's relatively easy for him to do so, but it involves him putting his foot down. What he needs to remember is she needs him as much as he needs her. However if he won't do that, it will never get any better until the dc are adults.

Definitely I’d have a no phones in bedroom rule and I’d put them all on night mode or turn them off. DH can use night mode too if he’s not wanting any calls to come through until his alarm goes off.

Your DH needs to set boundaries with his DC or the teen years will be horrific. Not surprised youre thinking the way you are.