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AIBU?

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Original poster

To split up my family over his ex and daughter

69 replies

Iwishlifewasrainbows · 06/06/2020 08:05

I have name changes for this. So both DH and I on 2nd marriage and have 2 DC from previous marriage and none together (will not be having any together). His ex is constantly on the phone or texting wanting money or is to have the kids more, pick them up earlier, moan about something to the point I am talk up to 10-20 texts a day even when they are not here plus phone calls. We have those kids 50/50 (probably more) so 7 out of 14 days she claims all child benefit and still wants maintenance which I have now stopped as we provide all clothes, shoes, uniform for our house. She regularly goes on holiday with her BF and never takes them and it’s always on her week with the kids meaning we have them them 3 weeks in a row messing up childcare etc and my DH refuses to say any or NO you can book it in you weeks without them!! We take them on holiday with us so it’s not an issue the other way.
Then we have the teenage daughters who talks to my DH like crap swearing and getting what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she cry’s and her mum phone and again has a go or if she isn’t busy come and gets her. This is over trivial things such as put your washing in the basket as at her mums house she isn’t made to. He is so scared of her going to her mums he ignores it but I refuse to let my children see this behaviour as ok and if I would’ve let mine do it I will not let any other child do it.
I don’t know how much more I can take- I love him I really do but he doesn’t get it that his ex constantly in our life ringing, texting is too much and not normal the kids are 12 and 10 not babies Or am I being horrible as I feel like I am loosing my mind in my own home

OP posts:
user135844794 · 06/06/2020 09:18

And this set up is healthy for your kids how exactly?

mummmy2017 · 06/06/2020 09:20

Time for all phones to be left to charge down stairs.
Tell the girls if they can't see that unless a house is burning down , it is not an emergency.
I'd be telling him unless he man's up we are over.

Branleuse · 06/06/2020 09:25

thats a bit odd. How would he feel if your ex was hassling you to this extent? Why is he tolerating this and expecting you to tolerate it?

No idea why people seem to enjoy this level of involvement with ex partners. I always preferred the bare minimum of contact with my ex husband

Tappering · 06/06/2020 09:25

You have a husband problem.

He needs to tell his Ex to back off.

He needs to start parenting his children. He may be worried about his DD not wanting to see him, but that doesn't change the fact that he needs to give them boundaries.

You need to tell your H that if this doesn't start happening now, then the relationship is at an end.

Livelovebehappy · 06/06/2020 09:41

Your DH is a big part of the problem, together with his ex. Children are a product of how they have been parented, and I’m afraid the behaviour of his dd is a result of poor parenting. There is very little you can do about the situation as it’s something which needs to be dealt with by her parents. Blended families can be successful, but unfortunately a lot are just very hard work due to the emotional baggage carried by DCs during their childhood years, particularly when in the teen stage. Your DH needs to sort this by putting boundaries in place with his ex re the excessive phone calls and they both need to be on the same page with their parenting. The finances are again something which needs discussion between both parents, assuming your DH is using his own funds for maintenance it needs to be something he sorts out himself.

Original poster
Iwishlifewasrainbows · 06/06/2020 09:41

My kids are not aware of this at present but I know that will change as they grow especially with the strain it makes me feel as my youngest has additional needs and is very me focused. Both my DC adore my husband and my youngest especially prefers time with him to his dad as he is very engaging with them and makes time and effort with them and they both have an amazing bond with him on different levels which considering my youngest additional needs is lovely to see but I am worried about them seeing his eldests behaviour

OP posts:
Pinklynx · 06/06/2020 09:50

Have you sat your husband down to explain how this is really affecting you? Have you told him it's actually impacting your marriage? His ex-wife sounds like a princess. Who keeps ringing someone at 7.30am and won't wait for an answer. Can you not set boundaries with the children to say you won't answer any calls on their phones? It sounds like you need to set boundaries with your husband. Someone in these relationships need to have boundaries.

slipperywhensparticus · 06/06/2020 09:52

And have a no swearing in the house policy no one can especially not a 12 year old

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/06/2020 09:55

Why would you think this is good enough for your children

Move on you are putting your relationship with him first - but he isn’t doing that in return

Candyfloss99 · 06/06/2020 09:56

Yes you need to split up he is being controlled by his ex and seems incapable of saying no. I couldn't live like that. What does he say when you talk about him having boundaries?

emilybrontescorsett · 06/06/2020 09:56

I think I would tell your dh that the next time one of his kids comes into your bedroom with their phone you will confiscate the phone.
They should not be used as pig in the middle by their batshit mother.
Either phones have to be left downstairs or turned off when they go to bed. The first time they bother you with their phone, they lose it.
What does she want when she phoned by the way?

Pleasenodont · 06/06/2020 09:59

I agree with others. Your DH shouldn’t be allowing her to text him 20 times a day, he must enjoy it to have allowed it to continue for so long. Contact should be minimal between them imo, they should only text or call one another when there’s a query re the children which won’t happen very often. He should have curbed the contact a long time ago.

Rosebel · 06/06/2020 10:01

Why are you allowing them their phones at night? Stop that so she can't hassle you at that time of the morning. With your other issues it's your husband who is at fault. He needs to stand up to his ex and his daughter. If she throws a tantrum and goes home, it's up to her.
However it sounds like your husband enjoys being treated like crap so you have to decide if you are willing to be treated that way. If not tell him how you feel including how it will affect your children and probably his youngest too. If he still puts you second then it's time to say goodbye.

C0RA · 06/06/2020 10:02

You have a DP problem. He doesn't care to fix it right now as you are dealing with all the hassle.

So stop dealing and let it become his problem. He needs to care for his kids when they are at yours, not you. Deal with the cheek and swearing the bad behaviour. Take all the calls and texts from his ex. Block her from your phone.

As soon as it becomes his problem, he will fix it.

Otherwise you will have to move out - this is no life for you or your kids. It’s not worth destroying their childhood because he CBA to set boundaries .

mudpiemaker · 06/06/2020 10:07

Does his ex wife realise they are in fact divorced and he is not at her beck and call?

He needs to sit down with her or email her so it is in writing and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable. There is no need for this level of contact. I would diary every text and every phone call before he does this so she can see it all laid out.

I would suggest marriage counselling too. He needs to learn to say no to her and his eldest.

Truthpact · 06/06/2020 10:10

You stopped him paying maintenance?!

Er of course he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Just because the ex is a woman doesn't give her a right to it. He has the kids 50% of the time, probably more if you count all the holidays she's taken on her weeks and not taken the kids. If anything, she owes him money. She takes all the child maintenance, he's technically entitled to half of that. That will never happen though.

Sit him down op and give him an ultimatum. He either tells the ex to back off, stop texting and calling over nonsense, and he tells his daughter to wise up and start acting like her age and stop swearing, or you're getting a divorce. It will never change though, so likelihood is you're getting a divorce. Don't put your kids through this, they will hate you for it. Put them first.

Waitingforboristoletusfree · 06/06/2020 10:12

Without sounding too blunt. You really have two options, tell him it has to stop point blank. One chance. Or you leave. It’s not healthy for you or your children.

TorkTorkBam · 06/06/2020 10:15

He has two women in his life. He is showing you which one is most important.

Genevieva · 06/06/2020 10:16

live separately and date each other so that he carves out time for you and you don't have to parent his kids.

PurpleTalkingTrees · 06/06/2020 10:17

My partner went no contact with his ex 18 months ago when his oldest was 15. She was like this with constant contact, but she also sent abusive texts and made crazy phone calls, you’d never know what would set her off because she could be normal one minute and batshit the next. First time I ever met her she was screaming at the top of her lungs at her son outside her unit block who had given her a birthday present from her own sister who she didn’t get on with, it was shocking abuse.

Before I met my DP I had never had experience with anyone like that in my life. She certainly created a lot of stress and disruption and anxiety in my life. If I had realised the impact an ex like her would have in my life I would have cut my now DP out of my life early on when we first started seeing each other But I didn’t realise and was with him for a year or two before her behaviour that impacted in me was that noticeable.

It’s generally fine now, because my partner blocked his ex and she can no longer communicate with him, or with me. His kids drive and make their own arrangements to go from one house to the other as it suits them. But if he had not done that we would not be together today, it was not a healthy environment for me or my children to be in.

You have a DP problem.

AgentJohnson · 06/06/2020 10:24

I’m guessing this isn’t a recent development, so why have you accepted his no boundary policy with his Ex for so long? Fear of contact being withdrawn isn’t the problem, so what’s his excuse?

His daughter is mimicking the relationship dynamic modelled by her parents and your H needs to acknowledge his contribution.

As other’s have said, you have a DH problem.

RedHelenB · 06/06/2020 10:31

Does your dp mind any of this? It sounds like you are incompatible as regards child rearing so best to split.

SarahWinston · 06/06/2020 10:38

I would definitely consider counselling of some kind. Maybe he needs an outsider's perspective that it isn't healthy to be having that constant barrage of communication. If the boundaries have been established, why let them constantly be renegotiated. He needs to understand he doesn't need to be whipped by her any more. Answering every text will only fuel her fire.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/06/2020 10:44

Splitting up is of course what she wants.

Your DH needs two phones, one for family, friends and work, and one for psycho ex.

Her number needs to be blocked on the main phone.

Her DCs need to have phones put away at night.

It won't solve the problem, but it will help.

HannaYeah · 06/06/2020 10:48

He needs a separate work phone and when the kids are at your house the phones should be kept all in one place.

Start setting boundaries with the phones and then expand.