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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my sibling

46 replies

PurplePorcupine · 04/06/2020 20:16

Not asking for a vote, maybe advice, or just sympathy because I'm feeling bitter.
Background: My sibling lived overseas for quite a long time, coming back to visit occasionally, but not often. I get on well with sibling but we've never been close so to be honest I didn't miss them but my parents really did miss them. During this time my parents aged and I became a carer for them alongside working full time, and I resented the lack of support with caring for parents.
Circumstances changed, sibling moved back and also lived near parents for a couple of years, which has been great for all of us.
Today, sibling announced they have a new job overseas and will be moving away again. I'm devastated in part because I'm left being the sole carer again, but also because this time they are moving to the country that I always dreamt of going to, they are living my dream. I should feel happy for them but instead I'm so bitter.

OP posts:
Wishingstarr · 04/06/2020 20:18

Have you any plans for adventure in your own life? Is your sibling the same sex as you? Do you feel there are double standards?

Original poster
PurplePorcupine · 04/06/2020 20:25

I don't think there's a double standard in how we were raised or how our parents treat us, but there's definitely a huge difference in life circumstances now. They are very successful professionally with a good lifestyle, I am less so and unfortunately don't have the finances available for an adventure.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/06/2020 20:26

I could potentially be your sibling. And I think you're fully entitled to feel the way you feel. I'm so sorry.

Wishingstarr · 04/06/2020 20:29

We can't control our feelings so you have every right to feel them, but obviously you need to find a way to come to terms with events you cannot control, otherwise you could become very unhappy. Can you go and vist your sibling in said country?

alittlerespectgoesalongway · 04/06/2020 20:47

I can see why this feels difficult. I think the anger might be more appropriately directed at 'life' rather than your sibling though. No-one is obliged to care for elderly parents, including you. Your sibling is happy not to and if you choose not to as well then thankfully there is state help for those who need it. Your sibling is only being unreasonable if they expect you to do the caring and are leaving on that basis. Is there any way you can work towards moving to the different country too?

Original poster
PurplePorcupine · 04/06/2020 21:59

I just don't have the potential to move overseas. It's a country that requires key workers and particular skilled jobs (think, popular emigration destination). I'm not skilled enough at anything particular so it would never be possible for me, I'm too old for the working holiday visa which I think is 35 and under, and because I've always had a fairly low salary I don't have the savings to fund a career break or anything like that.
I probably would visit, but it's hard to think of enjoying a holiday when I've always dreamed of emigrating there.
But good advice about being angry at life not sibling, I do understand that but need reminding!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/06/2020 22:02

Purple, I'm the one with 'the dreamlife'. It really ain't. Make the best of your life. Oftentimes, the less glam' life is the better life in the long run.

(She says sadly).

Fairenuff · 04/06/2020 22:03

YABU

You are envious of their life but that is not their fault.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 04/06/2020 22:05

I'm sorry. It does sound like you've reason to be fed up. But not at your sibling really. But at the situation, yes. I'd be frustrated too.

TheFencePainter · 04/06/2020 22:12

I've always dreamt about winning a lottery. I am not angry with the people winning it though because I actually haven't bought tickets for years...
You see where I am going OP?

We can dream. We all do. But if you always wanted something so much so you actually get bitter over someone else getting it, one must ask why haven't you done something for it like acquiring skills to get visa?

You have a right to feelings but you are being unfair here a bit.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 04/06/2020 22:13

Did they discuss their move with you at all? Is there any understanding on their part that this means you’ve been left to care for your parents on your own again? It is very hard on you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/06/2020 22:14

During this time my parents aged and I became a carer for them alongside working full time, and I resented the lack of support with caring for parents.

No one's obliged to look after your parents, as PP's have said, but the reality is that you're the one doing it.

So, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to raise this subject with your sibling now and explain that you're concerned about being the sole carer again (and it'll probably get harder as they age) and how can your sibling help? Don't be confrontational, just say that you'd like their advice and support.

They probably view you as a kind and capable person who can handle everything - it may not have occurred to them that you'd really appreciate their support and backup as well. Support could be in whatever forms work for your family - paying for a cleaner for your parents, committing to visiting every X months and giving you a proper break, etc.

As for moving abroad, well, it sometimes just can't happen. I've felt this way too sometimes but it wasn't practical. We just have to appreciate what we do have. Flowers

Original poster
PurplePorcupine · 04/06/2020 23:34

TheFence, but the difference with the lottery is when you buy a ticket you have an equal chance of winning as everyone else. In life that's not the case. My lack of potential is certainly not through lack of trying to improve myself, but circumstances have knocked me back a lot, I've had a lot of bad luck that's been outside my control.

IWentDown, no discussion about it before. I suspect because it's obvious to them how I would feel about it.

Mbos, sorry to hear your dream life isn't so dreamy :-(

AmICrazy, good idea to raise my concerns about the caring. You and others are right that no one is obliged to be a carer. I think for me it's more of an emotional responsibility.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/06/2020 01:35

I hope it works out, OP. Your sibling does need to realise that your parents are ageing and that you/they need support.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2020 05:54

I think you need to separate how you feel about your sibling and how you are coping as a carer because they are completely separate things. Your sibling could be living locally and feel unable to cope with being a carer for example.

KellyHall · 05/06/2020 06:01

Everything in life is a choice. You made the choices you made and have the life you have. Your sibling made their choices and have their life.

Anger within a family can be destructive, I'd really try and focus on the things that bond you.

If your sibling is very successful maybe it's time you had an honest discussion about funding care for your parents if you want to have any sort of life for yourself over the next few years.

cptartapp · 05/06/2020 06:40

Your life will pan out as a result of the choices you make. Don't be angry at your Sister because her choices lead to a different life for her than those do for you.
Do your parents expect you to be their carer?
Don't we save all our lives to ensure our safety and wellbeing in old age. Your parents should be looking to cleaners, homehelps, gardeners, taxis, community transport, pharmacy delivery etc etc, just like millions of older people who live without close family.
If they choose not to, your anger and resentment is misplaced.

AJPTaylor · 05/06/2020 06:50

Yanbu.
I have similar rage occasionally about my dbro. Mine is irrational as he moved 20 years ago, I am pleased he has done what he wanted, I don't like him much and am happy that he lives abroad.
The sheer weight of looking after my mum is pretty heavy though. And I am not her carer. She is moving nearer me so I can help her out (5 hour drive currently) but she will pay for taxis for most things, just stopped driving at80. And if needs be cleaners and carers. I have been absolutely clear I ain't doing any of that to preserve absent siblings inheritance.

Keeva2017 · 05/06/2020 07:01

It’s not too late to train and get the skills required to move? Go through the keyworkers list and look for what wouldn’t take too much study/expense and get on with it or don’t, this is within your control but you talk as if it isn’t? Hard probably, impossible? Only if you can’t be bothered to put the leg work in. When I trained for my job there were half a dozen people in their late forties and early fifties doing the course for exactly that reason.

Come on op, you’ve had some bad luck and taken some knocks but to be cheesy - you only have one life! What have you got to lose by trying?

TW2013 · 05/06/2020 07:11

I agree, plan to retrain so that you can emigrate there. Save so you can go for a visit. Suggest that your sister is involved in more the paperwork side of their affairs. Arranging food delivery, gardeners, etc. Although you may need to visit to check they turn up, she can put in the leg work remotely to order stuff.

TinyPigeon · 05/06/2020 07:24

If they are so much better off can they contribute towards your parents care? Pay for a cleaner or taxis or something at least to save you some of the grunt work?

hellosally · 05/06/2020 07:35

sorry all the people who say OP doesn't "need" to be a carer- in theory, yes- but you would need a heart of stone to bring carers into a home where parents have been loving and would hate having strangers in the house. otherwise I don't really see what life's about. if the parents were not nice, that's a different story of course.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2020 07:46

Plenty of people don't become carers to their parents these days. I wouldn't do it because I don't feel I have the temperament for such a role.

Standrewsschool · 05/06/2020 08:10

Can you put in measures before they move. Ie. Can they contribute to a carer or cleaner to take the burden of you. I’m not saying totally relinquish your carer duties, but put in measures to make it easier all around.

I guess you are fed up because they are ‘living the dream’ ( and running away from responsibilty?) and you are stuck at home.

thesunwillout · 05/06/2020 08:16

Will sibling sit down and discuss arrangements for their care?
I'd be annoyed if care provided by sibling was now expected of me, without some sort of understanding or plan of how I was going pick up the slack.
I don't know what your care duties are, for want of a better word.

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