To be angry with my sibling

[PurplePorcupine]

Not asking for a vote, maybe advice, or just sympathy because I'm feeling bitter.
Background: My sibling lived overseas for quite a long time, coming back to visit occasionally, but not often. I get on well with sibling but we've never been close so to be honest I didn't miss them but my parents really did miss them. During this time my parents aged and I became a carer for them alongside working full time, and I resented the lack of support with caring for parents.
Circumstances changed, sibling moved back and also lived near parents for a couple of years, which has been great for all of us.
Today, sibling announced they have a new job overseas and will be moving away again. I'm devastated in part because I'm left being the sole carer again, but also because this time they are moving to the country that I always dreamt of going to, they are living my dream. I should feel happy for them but instead I'm so bitter.

I live abroad by choice but especially during this virus I would do anything to be near my parents. I’m living my dh’s dream really but I know it seems idyllic to others.
In your position I think initially you need to save for a holiday with your sibling while you work on your own life and aspirations.
Try not to dwell on what your sibling has got but work towards your own goals.

@AJPTaylor

Wise move.

You would be amazed at family being pissed off at "their inheritance" being spent on aging parents necessities like clearners and gardeners, when they are nowhere to be seen to help out.

Expecting local family to do everything for free, when the parents have plenty of income and funds for maintenance of homes and help etc.

Get as much help as required 👍

Get your parents a carer ?? And live your own life

@billy1966

Yes!

Split carer costs with siblings.

And there are 50year olds at university so it's never too late

AmICrazy, good idea to raise my concerns about the caring. You and others are right that no one is obliged to be a carer. I think for me it's more of an emotional responsibility

Of course, there is no formal obligation, but stating that is a cop-out really. When parents require care most offspring do provide it, although it is common for the bulk of it to fall to one or more, whilst the others skive off. I was a carer (still am to some degree). It needed doing and I did it alongside another sibling. Another did nothing. I do resent her for this. Also, for those saying just to 'hire a carer,' you have no fucking idea how much this costs and even then you have to be there a lot to make sure the job is done properly and because parents have emotional needs that cannot be fulfilled by carers.

Many elderly have no family living nearby to provide care. They have to plan for their old age appropriately and get on with it. I don't live near my parents, if a family member nearby chooses to do it that's their choice, it doesn't oblige me to do it.

My parents would be devastated if they thought I had put my life plans on hold to care for them in their old age. Have you spoken to your parents about your dreams? What do they say?

Bitterness will get you nowhere. If you dream of moving abroad, then make the necessary moves to make it happen.

I’m afraid I struggle to be sympathetic towards people who wallow in their misery and misfortune. Life is full of obstacles and, yes, some people have more obstacles than others. But dreams and goals are rarely fulfilled for people who just rest on their laurels and moan about everyone else having it easier/better than them. If you want to achieve something, there are often sacrifices you have to make.

If your sibling is so successful, could you ask him/her to contribute financially with care for your parents, if they can't contribute time?

And I second the it's never too late theory. Look into retraining grants/bursaries available. Otherwise you may always be bitter.

I think you need to have a conversation with them and let them know you can only do so much caring without ending up with no savings for you older years.

Ask them to pay for some support for you parents such as cleaning, gardening, handyman. Then get them to sell this to your parents as something that needs to happen because you can't do it all.

For those suggesting hiring a carer or care support, the comments from @hellosally and @YetAnotherSpartacus are worth highlighting. The cost of care is ridiculous, but aside from that there is emotional care that can't be paid for. A physical presence from someone you love. That's the burden that I have, and I don't see it as a burden a lot of the time because I love my parents, but knowing I'm left with it completely is frustrating. As some of you have commented, this seems to be the way in lots of families.
Thanks for all of the comments though, its interesting to read everyone's thoughts on this.

Your parents didn’t have your sibling or you so you would take care of them. You chose to stay, your sibling didn’t. You choice leaves you with a relationship with your parents that your sibling won’t have. Their choice leaves them with a freedom you won’t have. It’s all down to choice. I’ve moved away and come back form a couple of different countries around the world over the years - my life, my choice and those around me had to accept it.

It’s slightly different for me but both my siblings have really struggled with mental illness - one lives overseas as a result as it’s the only way they can have some sort of life. The other has not achieved the goals they hoped for as mental illness has held them back. I’ve had to tackle my own illness head on as have responsibilities of my own and also my aging parents - the other two have not contributed to my parents well being at all. They are not easy parents either - but essentially love is and tried their best given their own harsh upbringing. I wish my siblings would at least attempt to take a tiny bit of responsibility but they are so mentally not able to.

Yes - people who haven't actually lived through it or been there when the call has come that Mum or Dad has a life-limiting illness, or a mobility problem, or can't do what they used to do simply don't get it. I actually do think we have a duty to look after our parents to some extent and in circumstances where they have not been abusive. And it is the emotional stuff as well as the extra distance.

A hired shopper didn't give a rat's arse that she was buying milk that was due to expire in one day or pears that were like rocks and so on.

Meal services don't make their favourite cakes and so on.

Your sibling can’t put their life on hold to help care for their parents, nor can they do so because you’re envious.

You need to separate the two, you need to decide if you wish to continue to care for your parents and if you need support, and what that looks like, I assume it can only be financial In terms of paying for care, and if they think it’s appropriate.

I don’t think you don’t want to look after your parents, I think it’s more you wish you had the opportunities they have. I think you need to try to look on the positives of your own life, and not compare yourself to them.

Op I think you are well within your rights to ask your sibling for a sit down meeting to discuss ongoing care, because in a sense, your presence at home, looking after your parents, helps them to fly away and live the dream. (And I say that as an expat who moved away.)

Maybe you could discuss financial support or delegate some tasks they can do from a distance with the use of tech? Or agree that they will come back to relieve you for X amount of weeks every year or every 18 months or some such, so you are guaranteed a regular break?

And although bought in care is great for gardening/cleaning/shopping etc people are deluding themselves if they think the same goes for emotional support and just being "there" and available when an elderly parent becomes frail. It's not the same thing at all. Let's be honest, it sometimes suits people to say or believe that it is.

I would have loved to emigrate to Australia, and have visited family several times, and found the lifestyle to be as wonderful as I imagined. But am an only child and knew that I couldn't leave my parents in the UK. I too have resented being in that situation. However, having lost mum last year after a long illness and lots of caring, and being a bit older/further down the path than you, I can now say that I don't.

I think whilst there is still the hint of a hope that you could go and lead that life, the frustration, the niggling doubts remain and they are quite undermining. Now there is no hope of me going, then I have found there is now a sense of lightness, a lack of doubt. It's quite liberating. I am glad that I stayed to look after Mum. We had quite a tense relationship all of our lives, but we grew much closer in the last year. I am glad that I am here for Dad.

Yes, in another life, I would have had a house with a swimming pool, friends round for barbeques or evening meals on the veranda, and my kids wouldn't have been half so cold and muddy coming home from football/rugby - and let's be honest, tennis and cricket most of the time too. They would be tanned, fitter and used to an outdoors life.

But life isn't bad. The UK isn't sunny, but it doesn't have wildfires. And once the stress of caring for your parents is over, you can find joy here. Walking amongst spring flowers this year has been magical. Crunching through autumn leaves, then coming home for hot chocolate and marshmallows is brilliant. But don't underestimate the impact that those caring responsibilities have on you every day. As an only child (of only children) I knew that they would be there. I had no other support/cousins/aunties etc. But I didn't realise until recently how much they had weighed on me.

Look after yourself whilst caring for your folks. I know how hard it is to really relax in this country, knowing the phone could ring anytime. Once CV is over, try to plan yourself a week or two in the sunshine, or on a skislope, if that's your thing. Arrange carers for a week or two a year (or ask your sibling to cover that cost) and get away. Watch trash telly for you, when you can, if that is your thing, or get a dog, or take art classes - something that it just for you. Ask your GP to go on a counselling list for yourself to process all of this. You can't have the dream life you hoped for. But you can have a life, and treat yourself well. I totally understand them but don't let the doubts/frustration get you down. x

Oops sorry! That was long!

It’s not just about being a carer though it’s about leaving the parents alone in this country amd the emotional effect .

I am in a similar position to the OP in that my only sibling lives abroad . Of course I am pleased for them but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling trapped on occasions. We would like to move house but parent became panic stricken at us moving more than a couple of miles, I also have to think about how they would be able to reach me etc if I live off a bus route , etc etc . My sibling opines from thousands of miles away and comes back in a year but really has no idea if the lived reality of our lives. They are also heavily in denial about the aging process , it’s as if for them we are all the same age as when they went.

It really isn’t as simple as saying you chose to be the carer, for most people it just creeps up on you. I wouldn’t say I care for my parents but I am their chief emotional crutch , their confidente, the person who sorts out their phone , their TV , who goes to the hospital appointments where it says you can’t drive after the treatment, visits because they are lonely , has them for Christmas and Easter .

People who think you can buy in this kind of help are deluded, you can’t easily. If the current situation has highlighted anything it is the crisis in elderly care

If your sibling is moving somewhere you have always wanted to go, now you can ask to stay with them, and have "local" guides to help see things off the beaten track.

But I do sympathise, I am the "carer" sibling, fortunately my 2 brothers do acknowledge I do it all. But some days, it is hard to be the "one", despite brother one living close and the other across the country.