AIBU or is there a kinder, simpler way - inheritance

[WillSuccession]

Hi,
Have NC for privacy.
My parents have a business and premises, they are in their 70s. Dad recently had a cancer scare.
Me & my sibling are in our 40s. Not close.
Sibling has chequered past, back living at home, works in the business. Is an alcoholic, lost driving licence etc. Mum refuses to see any of it, actually enables their drinking. Sibling has no children, has partner with own home. Partner has dependent children in their twenties. (!)
I left home ASAP, uni, good job, married, divorced, have children, single, independent.
Dad wants business to go to sibling and some cash & small rental property to me. M&D say they know it is unequal but if they don't leave it to sibling, sibling will be homeless and not have a job.
Obviously I don't want this either, but am concerned that sibling becomes very vulnerable when suddenly wealthy property & business owner, and could be married & divorced and business is lost.
Also, I feel it's a bit unfair - I've worked hard, been 'boring' whilst studying & working, whilst sibling has been travelling, lived abroad, partied & generally took an easier path.
AIBU to say to parents I'm struggling to accept this?
Any ideas of a different will / succession plan please?

[Bundlemuffin]

Sorry, I haven't RTFT, so not sure whether this has already been said.

Your parents are obviously being grossly unfair and YANBU.

However, I think the upside to this shitty situation is that you get to disengage from the weird, enmeshed, toxic swamp which your parents and sibling seem to be living in. All of them are refusing to face reality. Your sibling won't sit down to discuss this round a table - how will they run a business? Your parents enable your sibling's alcoholism. They are really doing your sibling no favours, either now or in the future; your sibling will never engage with their issues or get their life in order as long as Mummy and Daddy support them with money, accommodation, a "job", and denial of their alcohol and personality problems. It is pretty clear that your sibling is likely to crash and burn at some point (probably after your parents pass away), and any inheritance they have will crash and burn with them.

This obviously sucks, but the good news is that you don't have to be part of it. They are adults making their own (wrong) decisions. I would be very upset by the unfairness, but I would also be a bit relieved not to have to deal with my problem sibling (especially regarding any business or financial stuff) after the parents pass away. They don't sound like a good person to be in business with. The unfair split, which leaves you and your sibling with completely separate interests and leaves your sibling with enough assets for any reasonable person to live off, is also your ticket out of having any practical or moral obligation to deal with your sibling's problems or take on the enabling role which your parents are currently performing.

I would be disengaging from them all, gradually, starting now.

[RandomMess]

I would focus on encouraging your DP to get the business inheritance issue sorted out with a solicitor and looking at ways to avoid inheritance tax so you aren't expected to fork out for it! Also to ensure that they are financially looked after in their old age.

Perhaps the land could be in trust to all the grandchildren with the business having the right to use it for as long as it stays in the family by blood.

I think focus on speaking to your Dad about long term tax implications and protecting it from being part of any future divorce etc.

[LuaDipa]

YANBU and I am not sure that I could continue to pursue a relationship with parents in such and unfair and unjust situation. Yes it is their money, but to split an inheritance in such an uneven manner is bound to cause heartache and upset. I may be wrong, but I’m assuming the sibling is male.

To answer your question, the fairest thing would be to split everything 50/50 but they are obviously unwilling to do this. If they continue to refuse to listen to your feelings or adjust their perspective in any way I would genuinely walk away. It is not about the money, it’s about the inequity of the situation.

[CourtneyLurve]

YANBU to have feelings about it, but you would be unreasonable to challenge the financial decisions of two presumably competent adults.

[monkeyonthetable]

Sorry - not sure why I assumed your sibling was a brother. Maybe because a friend of mine is in a very similar circumstance with his brother and the favouritism of the feckless son over the hard worker has really stuck in my mind.

[timeisnotaline]

The op can’t make her parents do anything! Lots of reasonable suggestions here but she hasn’t been consulted and it doesn’t sound like they want her input. All she can really do is say I feel very hurt by this, and we all know he will destroy your business while i could have run it. I think I need some space.

[longtompot]

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt.
Ido wonder if the fact you left home ASAP, whilst your sibling is back home living with your parents, has been what's changed their minds. Maybe your sibling is showing a different side to things, and they just want to help.
Your sibling could be twisting things to make them want to give them more and you less.
Or, and I could be wrong, I don't know how much you see them, your sibling has changed or has put in steps to change so they feel the business is safe in their hands.
But, feelings aside, it is your parents money and what they choose to do with it is up to them. Yes, an inheritance would be nice, it can help a lot, but as I've never even thought I'd get one from my family, it's not something that has ever crossed my mind.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

I'd be really hurt too, op.

[Littlemissdaredevil]

Your parents a naive at best.

My dad was an alcoholic. My mum died and he received a life insurance payment of £50k. He was working FT. He could have bought the council house he was living in and lived mortgage free. Instead in 3 years he had pissed all the money up the wall. The house was a state with mice, car repossessed and baliffs at the door. Ten years later his dad dies and through probate there is 30k missing from his parents finances (which his mum couldn’t/wouldn’t explain where the money went but we all know who it went to ). His sister speaks to her mum to gently suggest that something is given to the all grandchildren (including hers) as my dad will piss an inheritance away if it is split 50/50. She refuses and keeps her will 50/50. Two years later she passes away and dad inherits almost 100k. He drinks the money away and dies with loads of debts. I end up paying 5k to bury him!

It’s dangerous to give an alcoholic that amount of money. He will drink the money away, the business will go under and then he will have no job and no home (or the house will end up ruined)

[Cantbelievethiss]

Knowing my parents were planning this would ruin my relationship with them.

[CatandtheFiddle]

My primary wish is that I am 'valued' as much as my sibling

Oh @WillSuccession I feel so sorry for you. This is the nub of it, isn't it?

In a lot of families, money is one of the ways that love & regard are shown.

Your parents are showing you that they don't value you as much as your sibling. Can you tell them this, and then go very low or no contact. Let them see how deeply this devaluing of you hurts.

And in fact, your father is actually shooting himself in the foot if he wants to keep the family business, land etc whole & intact, because it sounds as though your sibling (brother?) will basically drink it away.

So leaving it to your sibling is the best way to destroy what your father has built up.

I'm so so sorry for your situation - it must be heartbreaking, and you sound very kind and caring for your parents & your sibling. And if you make a lot of fuss, it can look as though you are being greedy or venal ... you're not. Good luck

[CatandtheFiddle]

It's not about money in itself, but what it represents. This level of inequality comes across as 'We love him 5 times more than we love you. His well being is more important to us than yours.' They probably have no idea of this and think they are being practical

This.

[CatandtheFiddle]

Also, I really hate the Cain & Abel story. I know it's about the relief parents feel when a troubled child does something right, or comes good.

But if you're the hard-working, getting on with life child, who's just gotten on with things and doesn't expect a fuss, then it can really rankle.

[flirtygirl]

If they went ahead with this then I would go low contact but not let them know. Ie, "Why haven't you been to visit? Sorry I'm really broke at the moment so working over time. Hope you are both well."

If they did not value me then for me that is it. I would never totally cut contact if they had been loving in other ways but this would be it for a full contact relationship for me.

Value yourself, op.