AIBU or is there a kinder, simpler way - inheritance

[WillSuccession]

Hi,
Have NC for privacy.
My parents have a business and premises, they are in their 70s. Dad recently had a cancer scare.
Me & my sibling are in our 40s. Not close.
Sibling has chequered past, back living at home, works in the business. Is an alcoholic, lost driving licence etc. Mum refuses to see any of it, actually enables their drinking. Sibling has no children, has partner with own home. Partner has dependent children in their twenties. (!)
I left home ASAP, uni, good job, married, divorced, have children, single, independent.
Dad wants business to go to sibling and some cash & small rental property to me. M&D say they know it is unequal but if they don't leave it to sibling, sibling will be homeless and not have a job.
Obviously I don't want this either, but am concerned that sibling becomes very vulnerable when suddenly wealthy property & business owner, and could be married & divorced and business is lost.
Also, I feel it's a bit unfair - I've worked hard, been 'boring' whilst studying & working, whilst sibling has been travelling, lived abroad, partied & generally took an easier path.
AIBU to say to parents I'm struggling to accept this?
Any ideas of a different will / succession plan please?

[EngagedAgain]

Sorry, don't know what happened to the paragraphs!

[Turangawaewae]

I think it sucks OP.

If the current pandemic has taught us anything, it's that life can turn on a dime and 'safe' jobs can vanish in a flash.

50/50 is the only way for inheritances.

[Almahart]

I think this is really unfair OP and I would feel exactly the same way as you. What strikes me reading this though is that inheritance tax would mean that some of the land would have to sold anyway to pay for it wouldn't it? Has that been thought about?

[EngagedAgain]

OP, just read your last post. There is alot more than I realised. Maybe some of the land or buildings could be left to you to do with as you wish, perhaps sell after. Then your brother still gets his financial security.

Perhaps try to think of a workable plan and put it to them.

[netstaller]

That's ridiculous OP you need to be brutally honest with them about how unfair it is

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Frame it in your mind that they are giving your sibling an income of £1k/month that requires full-time work, and you an income of £500/month which will require 15-20 days work/year.

Do you want to give up your current career and spend all your time to get an income of £500/month (£1k, split two ways)? And that assumes the business continues to do well.

[WillSuccession]

I'm going to put to my Dad that maybe the house is 50/50, so it can't be forced as a sale if she marries rashly and her divorce forces a sale of everything.

I am lucky to have my parents and children still alive.
Everything I have is mine, I feel proud of that.
Hopefully my parents will live another 25 years and this will not be a thing between the family.
I am generally Zen about these things - the universe will make the right choices! 🌍

[Cambionome]

I'm guessing the sibling is a sister rather than a brother?

No matter. I really feel for you op - what an upsetting and unfair situation. Speaking as someone who has very recently lost a parent, I think I would make one last attempt to get them to see your point of view; write a very calm letter/email setting things out factually as you have done here, tell them how much you love them, and explain your financial situation clearly, if you haven't already done so (they may think you are in a stronger position than you actually are). Then leave it. It probably won't change anything but I think you need to get this off your chest as it will (understandably) be eating you up inside.

Losing a parent is such a difficult time that you don't want to be dealing with all these unresolved problems and the death at the same time so try to come to terms with it now if you can.

Good luck.

[Mbear]

I would feel as you do and think this is really unfair. However I would echo what pp have said which is with your inheritance you will be completely financially separate from your sibling. Unless the business is sold upon your parents death (and your dad doesn’t want that) if your sibling borrows against it, runs it into the ground, is sued til kingdom come, you won’t be affected by that at all, and further down the line this might be very valuable.

[Cambionome]

Cross posted. Good idea about the house and very good idea to speak to your dad about it - be firm but calm. I think they may have convinced themselves that you will be ok with it all, and they need to be (nicely!) disabused of this idea!

[ScrapThatThen]

Yeah, it's not fair, and you said that's the dynamic you left because of. I would say that's the inheritance you lucked out on, having the personality and ability to succeed despite unfair parenting and a slightly enmeshed unhealthy family dynamic. My Dad sold our family business for exactly this reason - he and his sister got unfair shares (complicated, but left her with 'less' but him paying a big mortgage and having to pay her out in the future, which was a burden). He knew that between three kids it would be a nightmare. I say stick to your healthy position - tell them you view it as both unfair and foolish but that it is their decision. Don't get pulled into any obligation to rescue or prop up your brother. Don't think of the business as owed to your children - free them from the unhealthy dynamic. But let's be honest he might be 60+ before inheriting, no?

[Epigram]

Sorry I haven’t RTFT, but I wanted to say that, when you talk to your parents, rather than talking about the unfairness between you and your sibling, I would focus on the next generation.

You have children, whereas your sibling has no children of their own but has a partner with children.

That means that, even if your sibling makes a success of the business, it could easily pass out of the family if your sibling dies and leaves it to their partner who leaves it to their children.

This could easily happen - it’s quite a common scenario - and it might have more impact on your mum and dad than saying you don’t trust sibling to run the business.

Perhaps the house could be left in trust to the grandchildren with a life interest for your sibling?

[Keepingthingsinteresting]

More complicated, but how about putting the shares for the business in trust for grandkids (including any your sibling might have) so you and sibling have income for your lives. Sibling has job (assuming they don’t fuck up) but the split is fairer & they can’t get at capital so less vulnerable to outside parties and risk losing the business ( plus they have to agree to get a prenup to ex Luke the business if they marry). Would your dad go for that- more likely to protect the business too.

You’d also need to think about bringing in external help is sibling really isn’t up to running the business.

[Jillyhilly]

I can't imagine worrying about what my mum and dad may leave me when they die. Surely it is their money and their choice? Seems really grabby and money centric to even be thinking about it.

This is incredibly naive. Disputes and uncertainty over inheritance creates enormous stress and destroys families. I lost both my parents last year but in the years that led up to that it was very reassuring to know that my siblings and I were all going to be treated equally in the will. I felt that their careful attention in this area was yet another way they showed their care and concern for us and our continuing good relationships with each other. Inheritance is extremely emotional, and it’s about feeling that your parents held all the siblings in similar positive regard. I can’t imagine how much more awful that time of caring for them, and the grief after they died, would have been with the knowledge that any of us had received preferential treatment in the inheritance.

[Sertchgi123]

I very strongly believe that inheritance should be split equally between offspring, regardless of circumstances.

[AteAllTheAfterEights]

@WillSuccession how will the inheritance tax on the estate be paid? My worry would be that it seems you have the most easily liquidated assets (cash and rental property) so they would be sold to pay a tax bill...

[NOTANUM]

This happens a lot in farming circles I think. It's the person who works the land who gets the farm. It used to be oldest but now more based on interest in the lifestyle. Unfair but the kids grow up knowing this from birth.

However usually there is an effort to even things up as they grow up - one child is supported through vet school, or a deposit on their first house or business provided.

What is not fair here is that your sister isn't able to cope well and is only there because of reduced options. In your parents situation, I might be inclined to set your sister up in a business she could do or carve out a manageable part of the business for her (e.g. kennels), and sell the rest.

What happens now depends on your relationship and whether you want to maintain it going forward.

[Squaddielife]

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but I would suggest that with such a substantial estate value your parents should have been advised by their solicitor writing the will to opt for a Estate protection trust & will. This will protect the estate from any financial settlements with estranged partners. They're not cheep to set up but in cases of a large complicated estate pretty essential.

[monkeyonthetable]

I think you need to be really clear to them about why this is upsetting.
It's not about money in itself, but what it represents. This level of inequality comes across as 'We love him 5 times more than we love you. His well being is more important to us than yours.' They probably have no idea of this and think they are being practical.

It would be a tough, brave thing to do but I'd write them a letter explaining all the things you've said here. Keep it short and very clear. You're upset that he is blatantly favoured. That your DC are being overlooked. That his chaotic lifestyle leads him to benefit five times more than your careful one.

Or...accept the favouritism, accept the difference and distance yourself from them. Make your own way in life. It lets you off the hook when they are old, infirm and relying on your alcoholic brother to take care of them.

[Oly4]

It’s incredibly unfair.
I’d be so upset and would make my feelings known.
However, I’d then just leave it and move on. You will get a decent inheritance that will improve your life.
You can’t be in control of the mistakes your sibling makes with the business And actually, you’re prob best off out of it?

[QueenArseClangers]

YANBU OP.

My elderly DM changed her will a couple of years ago.

I have one DB who is the best part of 30 years older than me. He has three adult DC and divorced their DM years ago.

As much as I love him he’s been absolutely shit with money. Has two occupational forces/police pensions, gambled lots away and left his kids in the shot when they needed his support.
He’s married a woman who seemed lovely at first but turned out to be an absolute nasty human. He’s ended up doing more for his step GC than his own and, through oblivious thoughtless behaviour, hurt his DC.

When our DM found out this she changed her will to 50% to me (I have DC) and the other half split four ways between DB and his three DC.
She knows they’ve never had financial help from him and his eneryamd time has been hijacked by his ‘new’ family so this split goes to rectify it somewhat.

The unfairness your DPs are showing is awful though

[QueenArseClangers]

• energy and time!

[icansmellburningleaves]

I think you’ve got to let them make their choices and let everyone get on with it. You’ve clearly got your head very well screwed on so will be fine whatever. Don’t get involved in wanting anything in particular. Gratefully take what you’re given. Your parents will not change their minds. I too have a brother who can do no wrong. These kind of parents will never see the reality and never change their minds.

[UncleShady]

I think you've got to really pragmatic and assume that by the time a will would come into effect your parents world will have changed dramatically - the will as it stands will only happen if they were to both die quickly in the immediate future. If they retire and hand the business over, if they need to sell assets to pay for long term care (the big one), if your sister's circumstances change - so many ifs.

That said - it hurts, I know.