AIBU or is there a kinder, simpler way - inheritance

[WillSuccession]

Hi,
Have NC for privacy.
My parents have a business and premises, they are in their 70s. Dad recently had a cancer scare.
Me & my sibling are in our 40s. Not close.
Sibling has chequered past, back living at home, works in the business. Is an alcoholic, lost driving licence etc. Mum refuses to see any of it, actually enables their drinking. Sibling has no children, has partner with own home. Partner has dependent children in their twenties. (!)
I left home ASAP, uni, good job, married, divorced, have children, single, independent.
Dad wants business to go to sibling and some cash & small rental property to me. M&D say they know it is unequal but if they don't leave it to sibling, sibling will be homeless and not have a job.
Obviously I don't want this either, but am concerned that sibling becomes very vulnerable when suddenly wealthy property & business owner, and could be married & divorced and business is lost.
Also, I feel it's a bit unfair - I've worked hard, been 'boring' whilst studying & working, whilst sibling has been travelling, lived abroad, partied & generally took an easier path.
AIBU to say to parents I'm struggling to accept this?
Any ideas of a different will / succession plan please?

[saraclara]

It's not really about the money though is it? To those who think it's about money grabbing, it almost certainly isn't. It signals what the parents think about their children. Anything other than a 50:50 split says to OP "we value/love your sibling more than you". And that's desperately painful.

My mum was an only child. My grandmother was a very difficult person who never showed her love. My mum did everything for her, cared for her, spent lots of time with her, you name it. Then when she died, my grandmother turned out to have left everything to a charity she didn't even care about. It was a great big FU to my mum.

My mum's reaction wasn't anything to do with the money. It was a simple realisation that she had never meant anything to her mother.

[RandomMess]

I really hope your parents protect the business financially so it is not handed over until after the deaths in case they need care etc.

It just hurts when your DP clearly favour one sibling over another.

[onetiredmummy13]

Surely could be split equal but sibling works in the company so has a wage from it then you both get dividends from it? Everything else should be 50/50

[comingintomyown]

Unfortunately this is very common to be treated differently to siblings in life and death

[Thisbastardcomputer]

I would be upset, you are entitled to feel aggrieved. My sister turns on the tears and gets everything and I actually think she hates me. I'm several years older and they consider I've done well for myself, but truth is, I've knuckled down and worked hard.

I've not lived beyond my means and had to be bailed out.

[SpringSpringTime]

that is brutal @saraclara I'm so sorry

[ChateauMargaux]

And well done for standing on your own two feet and being a fabulous person.

Write yourself a letter.... do not do this to your children. Break the pattern.

[Bleepbloopblarp]

It’s not about the money is it - it’s about “golden child” syndrome.

I’ve seen it with dh and his db. DH is very successful, got a good degree, worked very hard to build his own business etc. His db is by no means hard up but he’s always been the “baby”. He’s been quite irresponsible at times and drinks a lot / has taken lots of drugs in the past. Yet parents seem to favour his db and his dc’s and barely have any time for us at all. They’re round at their house all the time doing favours/odd jobs and looking after their dc’s. They hardly show any interest in our dc’s.
I’ve no idea what will happen to their assets when they die - we’ve never asked. We don’t need their money but I suspect it won’t be split equally and even though it’s up to them what they do with it it just doesn’t seem right. I could never do anything other than an equal split with my own dc’s, no matter what their situations at the time. It’s about loving and valuing them equally and making sure they know it.

My own dm has split everything equally between myself and my siblings even though I am quite a bit wealthier than them and one sibling doesn’t own their own property or have much money at all. My dm won’t even spend £1 on one gc without buying the others something for a pound - she’s that fair handed!

[Saladmakesmesad]

I don’t have any advice but can I just offer some really heartfelt empathy from one ‘good but boring’ child to another? I am increasingly angry about my parents supporting my siblings in their bullshit.

[EngagedAgain]

Nrtft yet, I know it must be very upsetting and annoying, but as you seem to be quite capable of looking after yourself, if they don't bend try to suck it up. If your brother gets married or whatever and loses it that's up to him.

[Womaninred]

Don’t they want to be more equal so they are passing on their inheritance to their grandchildren too? If you don’t get equal they miss out too.

[EngagedAgain]

@saraclara, how awful for your mum, what a horrible thing to do.

[flowerpot6]

I think you need to step back from this a bit and try to see your parent's point of view. Maybe it isn't fair in terms of monetary value, but your parents are trying to do provide for both of you based on your own needs for the future. Your sibling relies on the business for their employment - presumably this also lends itself to adding value into the family business?

You don't need the same provisions, but are still being gifted a significant inheritance. Neither you or your sibling are necessarily 'entitled' to anything at all, but your parents are trying to do the best for you both once they're no longer around to support with employment options/the chance to stay at home etc. Forget the monetary value, this can fluctuate with a business anyway, because from your parent's point of view, that's really not what they are looking at and it's their money to do as they wish.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Do you really want to spend decades making business decisions with your sibling? Better to let them struggle alone than be tied into that mess. Anything which keeps your sibling working full time on the business whilst you hold a share will do that.

I assume the large house is on the same site as the business, and that's why they've allocated the properties that way

Finally, assuming your parents are a bit blind to your sibling's failures, they are leaving the business to the "child" who has worked on it. Splitting businesses of that size doesn't work well. They can't support two families. Therefore it makes sense to leave the business (and associated work and stress) to the one "child" who has worked on it. Farmers rarely split the farm between children...

[MintyMabel]

the op situation sounds very different in that the business has been keeping the sibling...

I already commented on the OP situation previously. My post included a quote from someone else and clearly I was responding to that.

[MaybeNew]

Perhaps you should just cry all the time too OP? Next time you discuss it, cry, wail, pile on the emotional blackmail and see how they feel. If they tell you to be rationale, then tell them you are behaving like your sibling because clearly they reward that behaviour.

[R2519]

I would write them a letter. Explain you are hurt. They are ignoring their grandchildren and leaving most of their estate to soneone irresponsible. Say you feel your sibling is the favorite. Parents are supposed to treat children equally etc.

Personally I would be very hurt by this. Nit the money issue but the fact they are not bejng fair or equal. If my parents did this I would write said letter but also tell them I wznted nothing and they had lost me. Some may say exteene but I would always be reminded how they preferred my sibling Nd not treated us equally and that would be something I'd struggle to overcome.

[TheoneandObi]

I would be hurt too. But a big part of me would think 'I'm independent, I'm happy; would being financially involved with my sibling sour that?'

[TheoneandObi]

And just to say although my sibling isn't an alcoholic she has become dependent on parental handouts over the decades, or 'early inheritance' as my parents describe it, so I know a little about this! And I know I'm happier for being the independent one. Hurtful tho x

[namechanging2020]

Do people really think like this? I can't imagine worrying about what my mum and dad may leave me when they die. Surely it is their money and their choice? Seems really grabby and money centric to even be thinking about it. When they die won't you have enough on your plate with the grief and upset to care about scoring points with your sibling? I genuinely cannot understand your mindset.

[TroysMammy]

I'm sure my DP 's have put in their wills that inheritance is split between myself, sister and my sister's daughter, their grandchild who is still a child. I'm struggling with this as I don't have any children. My niece is the only grandchild of both sets of grandparents, one set who is extremely wealthy and her Dad is an only child too. She is also my only niece. I think it unfair that my niece could be very well off when she's older and my DP's are giving her 1/3 of what they've worked for. I really don't think they've thought it through and are blinded by giving everyone equal shares. I'm finding it difficult to clarify and bring it up in conversation.

[Noconceptofnormal]

It's not fair on you and its not fair on your grandchild.

My opinion is that if you parents want the house and land to stay in the family they should leave it to your child but with a life interest for your sibling. That way they have somewhere to live for life but they can't do anything stupid with the money, and it will eventually pass through the family.

Again if they draw up something legal saying that you own the business but that you will give a 50% share of the profit to sibling whilst she is alive.

Then you get the cash to offset the fact that you won't be getting a nice place to live and you'll have to do the work of running the business.

This feels like the most equal way of doing it, and means your sibling has a place to live and an income for the rest of her life. Proportionately you don't benefit as much but you know one day your child will.

I don't know how you convince your parents of an alternative plan, but I agree with pp that if you need to get emotional as well as this is obviously what they respond to.

[WillSuccession]

@namechanging2020

Do people really think like this? I can't imagine worrying about what my mum and dad may leave me when they die. Surely it is their money and their choice? Seems really grabby and money centric to even be thinking about it.

I know, but it was difficult to hear my Dad when he said to me last week, "I'm changing my will from 50/50 to leave your sibling the house (£350k), the farm, riding stables and many acres (£400k) and the successful business (don't know how to value it currently bringing in over £1000 per month). I know it's not fair but you'll have the rental (£100k, £500 per month if successfully let) and any cash that's left (currently £85k if neither need a care home).
Last time his parcel was valued it came to over £1 million, the parcel for me might total £200k max.
It's the inequality I'm taking some time to get used to, and it's unequal because he wants sibling to continue working in the business. At the moment he runs it and sibling works under his guidance.
I don't want to be grabby, I want to feel loved and cared for. I live alone with a mortgage on two thirds of my house, with my DC and no savings after divorce, my pension decimated. I work full-time to manage.
Sibling lives at home, has an alcohol problem and is v emotional / difficult to get on with. Parents find sibling v difficult, it's no secret - ie they dread Xmas day as know there will inevitably be a scene / refusal to come downstairs to eat Xmas dinner with family / lies about attending AA / can't be trusted to run things if they go on hol, so they don't go. Their blindness to accept that their generosity with this WON'T be a magic bullet, & cure all these things makes me feel sad.
Sorry to go on. Thank you to the previous posters who have offered help, either solutions or ways to shift my mindset. I know I can't change my parents' views / plans, and it's their business & decisions to make. I'm not grabby. I know equality in a will might not mean being equal. I know family businesses often go to one sibling. But I can't imagine treating my DC so unfairly.

[EngagedAgain]

Just to add, the pro's - they obviously know you are capable of looking after yourself, and a 100k, plus a rental property is still a positive. Coupled with the house you are buying, you will at least have financial security, which not everyone is fortunate enough to have (but I'm sure you appreciate this).

The cons - it seems unfair that he has no children, whereas you do, but presumably it CAN'T be split any other way unless it's sold (if that 300k plus you speak of is part of land etc and NOT cash), which your father won't do.

So, apart from giving you a share in the business, which you say you don't want to be involved in, it seems it is actually their only option.

If that 300k is cash then yes they could give you more, then you could use that as you please to ensure security for your children.

What you are getting though is still enough for them too, if you manage it properly. If you're happy where you live you could keep your house, keep paying mortgage and plough away the rental money for your children.

I know wills and money are often a bone of contention, but things can change in life. One or both of your parents could be around for quite a while yet. They could change their minds. At this stage, by all means put your point of view over to them, then best to just let it go. Get on with your life as you have always done (well by the sound of it). If they stick with the original plan at least you will get something. Getting on at them could possibly make things worse!

If it really isn't about money, anything you get is a bonus, and at least you can take pride in the fact everything you've got you've achieved yourself.

[bungaloid]

There's lots of ways you could look at this and I'm not sure any of them are perfect. Your parents could:
Actually weight it towards your sibling as they "need" it the most. (Labour?)
Weight it towards you as you are more responsible, have worked hard and likely to make the most of it. (Conservative?)
Split everything 50:50. This "values" you and your sibling the same, irrespective of how your lives panned out. (I'll call this Lib Dem though not sure it's a brilliant fit).

I actually don't think any of these options are outrageous. 50:50 feels fairest, but your sibling could be sitting there annoyed that somehow you got better life opportunities and support. Not saying that's true but you never know.
Or accept that you don't really have an entitlement to it, it's not your decision to make, but you disagree and decide you don't want to grow up to be like your parents! This feels like a familiar cycle of life.