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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want exdp to go F**k himself?

47 replies

j20baby · 21/09/2007 22:42

dd age 7 goes to her dads on a sat and he has her over night till Sun evening, he's just rung me, drunk i think, to make sure she's coming tommorrow. i said yes but she's not sleeping over anymore because

A) last week, she stayed, yet again, at his friends house with his daughter, her friend and he stayed at his gf's.

B) she doesn't go to sleep till gone midnight sometimes

C) when she comes home on a Sun evening, she usually complains that she feels sick and quite often is sick, due to tiredness and the junk he lets her eat i think.

for months and months i have said she should either be sleeping at his parents with him (where he lives when he's not working away) or with him at his GF's if he can't bare to not be with her for one night and also that she should be in bed by 9.30 at the latest but he has chosen to ignore me.

now, i don't dictate to him anything else about the time that he spends with her, even though she spends most of the day in pub with him, which she enjoys as she gets to play with all her mates, but i really am at the end of my tether with her being ill every Sun night and being grumpy on a Mon morning and not wanting to get up when every other day of the week she is up before me, am i being unreasonable to want her to not have to go through this every weekend??

sorry for the long post but am so
have not been with him for 6 years, so its not about any other issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

j20baby · 21/09/2007 22:43

bare should be bear

OP posts:

fortyplus · 21/09/2007 22:46

You need to be careful not to drive too much of a wedge in - it sounds as though she has a great relationship with her dad - even though some of the things that go on are far from ideal. Why does he have her every weekend? Why not make it every other weekend - then you'd only have these problems alternate weeks and maybe he'd think about his behaviour.

SpeccieSeccie · 21/09/2007 22:47

Sounds like YANBU. Have you pointed all of this out to him just like this? Your post lays it out pretty reasonably and clearly IMO.

Original poster

j20baby · 21/09/2007 22:52

i really don't want to stop any time they have together tbh, i have pointed the reasons out to him and his parents so many times! i just want to make sure she gets some sleep, the thing is, he's not having to deal with the Sun night, Mon morning problems and if he was he probably wouldn't do it, i've tried to be reasonable, but he just ignores me. she can come home at tea time on a Sat and go back early Sun morning, if i didn't think it was so inportant to her wellbeing i wouldn't do it, as it makes life a lot harder for me, but i just want to do whats best for dd.

if he promised to have her in bed at a reasonable time i wouldn't make her come home

OP posts:

maisym · 21/09/2007 23:03

your idea sounds reasonable - he has to understand that she needs to have a proper sleep at the weekend.

lilacclaire · 21/09/2007 23:07

Sorry, did I read correctly that when he takes her for the night that she does not even stay with him?

lilacclaire · 21/09/2007 23:08

If I did not read incorrectly then I would definetly tell him to go and fuck himself.

pirategirl · 21/09/2007 23:15

hiya, you have every right to be concerned, i cant believe he doesn't have her to stay at his parents or at least at his gf's.

If he cant bear to not see his gf on sat's he shoudl didicate every other sat to his dd.

God it makes me feckin .

inzidoodle · 21/09/2007 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMarvel · 21/09/2007 23:51

Absolutely not you are NOT being unreasonable.

I can't believe that he didn't even have her stay with him. Do you know who these other people are that he let your daughter stay with?

I can't believe that she spends the day with him at the pub.

Protect your girl. I don't think she should grow up expecting that being treated like that is acceptable.

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 00:25

thanks everyone

its good to know that i'm not in the wrong-he kept ringing again, the to**or, i didn't answer, i'll only get abuse! first he says its his time with her, and then he says she wanted to stay with her mate, well of course she does, her friend is a 10 year old what tells her all about the way that babies are made, tells her dirty jokes and does what the hell she wants! and how is that quality time anyway!?

i just hope i can stick to my guns and not back down to him tommorrow, he is a bully, and its only him and his family what can make me question my choices, they gang up on me.

it would be so much easier for me if she did stay the night with him as i'm feeling crap atm, but its not good for her and i'll get the backlash when she comes home anyway, god he makes me so angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 00:27

mrsm-no i don't know the other people, thats why i stipulated that she can only stay at his parents or his gfs house last time i found out she'd stayed there without him. and dd didn't even tell me till thurs that she had stayed there because she knew i'd be annoyed, so now he's got dd lying to me!

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 22/09/2007 00:28

Be strong for your little girl.

Can you take her out before he comes round?

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 00:34

i normally take her and drop her off on a Sat dinner time, thats what i mean, i'm going to have to drive and pick her up at tea time and then drop her off again on the Sun morning, so its not like i'm doing it to be nasty!

hopefully he will not be such a git when he's sobered up tommorrow and will see my point, but i doubt it, he's always been as thick as a plank and will have it in his head that i'm doing it for some other reason that i've said, he just doesn't see the problem.

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 22/09/2007 00:40

Why don't you just cut out the night and take her for the Sunday?

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 00:48

thats what he's kicked off about, i've said he can have her for a few hours Sat and then i'll have her home and she can go back Sun for the day.

when we went to court years ago over access he's only meant to have 6 hours on a Sun and a few hours on a Tue anyway, but it has been relaxed since she's got older and he can have her whenever he wants if she's available but this not getting any sleep thing is really affecting her which is why i want to stop her sleeping over, i mean, whats wring with having her out till teatime and then bringing her back to his parents and watching a DVD or playing games and putting her to bed at a reasonable time and then doing something for the day on a Sun? as far as i know, even if she sleeps at his GF's, they stay in bed till late and leave her to her own devices in the morning, as she normally has her friend and god knows who else staying over!

OP posts:

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 00:50

thank you for the replies, i am going to try and get some sleep so i can deal with it all tommorrow, wish me luck!

OP posts:

MrsMarvel · 22/09/2007 00:52

Me too. Night night, take care.

slim22 · 22/09/2007 00:57

Why don't you have the friend staying over at YOUR house for saturday night??

alicet · 22/09/2007 08:18

J20 YANBU most definately!

Maybe better to talk to him about it when he's not p*ssed though? Even the most reasonable person can be unreasonable then. However if he is still unreasonable about this I would stick to your guns on this. Its affecting her wellbeing and yours as well which you don't need at the mo.

If you can manage all this by staying calm and not losing your rag with him (which I appreciate will be a challenge!!!!) you will have the moral high ground too. Although he doesn't sound like he deserves this level of respect...

Good luck honey xxx

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 09:48

thanks everyone, didn't sleep last night, forgot how much he could upset me, will try very hard to not give in today, will let you all know how it goes.

OP posts:

fryalot · 22/09/2007 09:50

hi J20.

Sounds like you had a fun night! He is being a tosser btw but hopefully (vain hope probably) he will realise that you are totally in the right when he sobers up a bit today.

If you need some moral support when you go to get her this afternoon, give me a shout and I'll come over.

Good luck

Original poster

j20baby · 22/09/2007 09:55

thanks squonk

don't think their's much chance of him being reasonable, but tough, he's had enough chances!

will, let you know how it goes

OP posts:

pirategirl · 22/09/2007 10:44

yes let us know hun, it is very stressful, i understand. It so annoying they can still have this ability to upset us, as strong as we have to be, we are humans.

karlou · 22/09/2007 12:21

So sorry to hear how unreasonable your ex is being J20 - it's the last thing you need right now isn't it?
YANBU no matter what he or his family say - don't let them make you feel guilty, you know that you're acting in your dd's best interests. I really hope you get things sorted out with the minimum stress hun. I'm sending lots of hugs your way. xxx

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