To want exdp to go F**k himself?

[j20baby]

dd age 7 goes to her dads on a sat and he has her over night till Sun evening, he's just rung me, drunk i think, to make sure she's coming tommorrow. i said yes but she's not sleeping over anymore because

A) last week, she stayed, yet again, at his friends house with his daughter, her friend and he stayed at his gf's.

B) she doesn't go to sleep till gone midnight sometimes

C) when she comes home on a Sun evening, she usually complains that she feels sick and quite often is sick, due to tiredness and the junk he lets her eat i think.

for months and months i have said she should either be sleeping at his parents with him (where he lives when he's not working away) or with him at his GF's if he can't bare to not be with her for one night and also that she should be in bed by 9.30 at the latest but he has chosen to ignore me.

now, i don't dictate to him anything else about the time that he spends with her, even though she spends most of the day in pub with him, which she enjoys as she gets to play with all her mates, but i really am at the end of my tether with her being ill every Sun night and being grumpy on a Mon morning and not wanting to get up when every other day of the week she is up before me, am i being unreasonable to want her to not have to go through this every weekend??

sorry for the long post but am so
have not been with him for 6 years, so its not about any other issues.

Thanks all

well, he kicked off and then tried to get dd involved and make her choose between us, which made her upset, i tried explaining things but he still just doesn't get how one late night can affect her for days afterwards, he obviously doesn't know her as well as he likes to think, anyway, i said she can stay tonight as he's probably not going to be home next weekend and he was putting dd on the spot, but i made it quite clear that if he doesn't put her to bed at a reasonable time and she's in a state again on Sun then she wont be sleeping over again.

sounds like a good compromise.

Any chance of you talking to him on your own mid-week or something? Without dd and hopefully without either of you getting too worked up?

Would he think you were coming on to him if you suggested a drink to discuss things?

You are so right to be concerned and it needs to be sorted out.

j20baby - really sorry you're in this position. Haven't read whole thread so forgive me if some one else has already suggested you get exp's parents on your side.
You might also contact social services to see if there's anything you can do to prevent dd staying o/n with some one outside the family. Or Citizen's Advice Bureau even.

YANBU
Your ex sounds like a little boy and you sound like a very sensible and considerate woman.

thanks guys

squonk-not a chance would i go for a drink with him, he doesn't listen anyway, its only the threat that i will stop her staying over that has made him agree to put her in bed.

just spoke to his mother, apparantly dd was in bed for 9 last night at his parents house although watched a dvd till 11 in bed, but at least she wasn't in pub or eating and drinking crap till gone midnight, will see how she is tonight and tommorrow, she's still going to be tired but hopefully will not affect her as much as usual, thanks for all your replies

oops meant to say elastic, i will just stop her going overnight fullstop if things don't improve, he has no overnight access to her anyway and i know he will avoid going back to court as it cost him a lot of money last time, i have been too easy going, and am putting my foot down! {preferably on his head}

You are being very reasonable indeed, J20 . I can't think how any one as sensible as you managed to have a baby with such a feckless man.

i was 16 he was 26

i outgrew him

well at least i wont have this problem with lo's sperm donor father as he isn't interested, oh i know how to pick them!

Sounds like you have been very reasonable over this J20 - what an arse to try and make your dd choose - just goes to show what an immature irresponsible tosser he is!

Fingers crossed she's OK today and not overtired and cranky. If he won't listen just hold him to rule over the access that has been agreed. As long as you're sure this won't make dd suffer and son't make you seem like the bad guy in her eys as she is old enough to know what is going on and it sounds like he wouldn't hesitate to tell her it is you that means they are seeing less of each other.

Just don't get why he's being so beligerant about her staying when she's not even staying with him anyway as he's with his gf though!

thanks alice, he says he spends a lot of money to get back from working away to see her on a weekend(fair enough, i saw his train ticket on the side for £80) but, like i pointed out to him, surely its better quality time with her earlyish on a Sun morning to go and do things with her for the day than late Sat nights when she's tired.

dd agrees with me that its not nice feeling poorly on a Sun night and as far as i know repeats to me whatever he says to her about me, although i don't belittle him in front of her. she doesn't seem to have much respect for him tbh, but thats his problem, she knows her boundaries when she's with me, although she does test them!

she's due home soon so i'll see how she is.

j20 - thanks for that information. Maybe I should lock up my 13 yo dd till for the next 10 years!

But he spends all this money to get back and see her then spends the night with his gf instead! Tosser. Respect to you though for not badmouthing him in front of her. Must be difficult sometimes but its not fair to make it her problem. Good on you!

Elastic- yes definately, in fact, i would have locked her up from 11, thats what i'm planning for dd, no late nights or trips to pub once puberty kicks in!

well, she seems ok, more chilled than usual, although he said to her after i'd left 'well, your mum shouldn't keep us apart should she?' WTF! i'm not with him, because the last straw was him pushing me down the stairs, srceaming 'die Bit*h' while dd stood watching at 18 months old!

she said she just agreed with him to shut him up, bless her.

argghhhhhhhh!!!

oh well, going to get her to bed, thank you al for your support, just what i needed

j20 have you read Anne Bronte's "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall"? If you haven't, you might like to give it a whirl. Available from any good library. I would be interested to hear your reaction to it.

elastic-i haven't read it but i have just downloaded it and will read it when i get chance, and let you know what i think thanks for the recomendation.

Do you mean to say you can now download whole novels from the Internet???

If so, cheaper than Amazon but difficult to lie in the bath reading it.

well you must be able to, its saved to my docs, i only wanted to find out what it was about, hmm, no, not good idea to read in the bath!

It's free if you borrow from public library but they will take a dim view if you drop it in the bath. I was once asked to pay for For Whom The Bell Tolls because I got marmalade on it.

Whoops!

i tend to get them cheaply from charity shops or when they sell them off in the library

Well I don't want to say too much about The Tenant of Wildfell Hall because it would spoil it for you, but you would need to get quite a way through it before you start to see similarities with your own situation, even though in the 1840s when it was written, social and legal situation was very, very different.

Right, j2obaby, i have only read the OP, BUT I have just had a similar situation with exdp, I wont allow the kids to go to his house with him alone because I dont think he is trustworthy enough.
They are no supposed to go to his mums or sisters, and found out that they stayed with him last time, so I have stopped them going.

I had enough, he would take them to the pub (DD is nearly 7, DS is nearly 3), he would drink and smoke around them and they also would not go to bed til midnight, when they came home they would be such grumpy miserable stroppy spoilt little brats (dp would say they had the 'rage' and needed decontaminating by hugs!!).

I think you have every right to stop this contact if he cannot be responsible.
Hopefully stopping his contact will make him realise what he is missing and that he needs to grow up and look after her properly, if not, well, it's his loss.

Elastic-i will get round to reading it at some point and let you know what i thought

lorayn, thanks-i'm hoping that the threat will be enough to make him see i mean business, i think all the other times i mentioned anything he just ignored me, but this time, hopefully, he knows i mean it and will get his act together.