To say something this time?

[squiffyseesaw]

DF gave my sister over twice as much money for her wedding than he did mine. I didn't say anything at the time but I was hurt that we weren't treated fairly.

DF has come into some money and gave my sister his car, which is worth over £5k. He says he will give me £2k to help with some house stuff that needs doing.

I don't care about the amounts. I care that she always gets at least twice as much as me. I don't understand it and I want to ask why. WIBU to do so? Am prepared for being called a grabby little shit but I would honestly rather he gave us both nothing than treat us so differently.

My future BIL and SIL got around €2000 for their wedding 10 YEARS ago. MIL promised (FIL didn't even want to!) to give us €2000. We got €1000 and that was that, she "forgot" about the rest.

Be honest about how you feel.

I understand exactly how you feel Op, my DB was given money monthly by our mum (he didn’t work) plus a large 5 figure lump sum. All kept secret from me but not from other relatives.

I found out by accident when mum was ill and we were managing her finances. Her answer - “You never asked for anything!”...it did explain some comments she blurted out once or twice! My dad would have never given one of us a lump sum and not other, not sure about monthly money.

At least you know - I found the secrecy so upsetting but know that DB threatened her to keep her silence - he didn’t want me to have the same and reduce his inheritance. My cousins told me about a letter her wrote to mum after I found out, calling her every name under the sun and telling her he wanted it all, he would make her change the will.

I did get a lump sum, just months before she died, but it felt like tainted money and most has been put into my DCs’ ISAs.

I lost all respect for her (never had any for him) and had I found out earlier, would have gone NC and left them to it. My cousins said they always felt she treated me worse than him, I never felt like that growing up but she was always more critical of me and he was definitely the golden child.

Weeks after I found out, we were told she was terminally ill, and I knew I would ultimately regret walking away, so I did what was right for me - helping to look after her in her final months.

DB was nasty then, and after she died, but we are now LC and I would be quite happy if I never see him again. He is eating his way through his inheritance now his handouts have stopped. He knows never to ask me for help!

I would say something if I was you, then you can make up your mind on how you react. Mum couldn’t have managed without my help, DB lived further away and didn’t drive, but that seemed irrelevant to them.

I would never treat my 2 differently. They don’t get exactly the same help to a penny, but are treated as equally as possible.

My mil has 2 dc. Paid for the entirety of sil's big wedding. Paid for every dc related item her dc ever needed pre birth.... Prams /cot /highchair etc.
Me and her ds got a wedding card and a second hand crib for our dc.. And only the first dc too! Her subsequent pregnancy = big double buggy etc again brand new..
Dh never thought to be miffed as it was the norm for him to be left out..
Can't imagine doing that!

I have two brothers, one has "borrowed" money/furniture/cars on many occasions. The younger one was the baby so lived the student life for 25 years with handouts for cars, car tax, mobile phone bills etc.

When I asked for money to help we with a (small) deposit for a rental flat I was told I wouldn't be able to move until I'd saved the money.

I know where I stand. I've never asked my parents for anything since. I'm fully aware that boys come first and I'm expected to be self-sufficient.

That said, since my dad died, my mum has become less generous to my brothers, but I think that's more to do with frugality than anything.

I will never ask my mum, or my brothers, for anything. It hurts, but I'm not going to embarrass myself by raising it with them.

@Windyatthebeach - that is so sad that your DH saw him being left out as the norm. Whilst it hurt not to be aware of the massive lump sum DB got, at least they didn’t rub my nose in it.

@Spaghettio - I don’t think boys come first in every family (as Windy’s post states, sometimes it is daughters) - I just think any mother who so blatantly favours one is awful.

I know in my mums case, a lot of it was DB being entitled, but she caused that. He was definitely the golden child, first born, after she didn’t marry till her 30s, quite old in those days and last of her many siblings, then miscarried, so almost her miracle child.

Older relatives have said he was her little prince, and she could never say no. Was probably also the reason he didn’t work too.

They did pay towards my wedding, but had done same for him, as he married an Asian lady who had no family here, and bought pram for first DC. But other than that, I had nothing. But at least I can look at what we have now, and apart from my inheritance, which was not huge, we have earned every penny. There is a satisfaction in that, that our siblings will never have.

Say something and tell us the reasoning behind it because it leaves me completely dumbfounded.

Have you had a word yet OP? That sounds really unfair. Hope you are OK 💐

I think that my dad (who was a self-declared feminist) was the deciding factor behind my brother getting more money (especially my older "golden child" brother).

It was generally expected that I would do basic food prep, washing, cleaning etc when my brother would do none.

My dad would have been the first to declare that women can do what ever they want and be free and choose their life..... (as long as they carry on making dinner for the family and keeping the house).

The favouritism always comes down to something. "Golden child" "black sheep" "you didn't ask for help" "he deserves it" etc etc.

No matter what, it's horribly unfair and is always noticed by the ones who are treated unfavourably.

You’re definitely not being grabby, OP - I’d be really upset in your position and I think I’d have to have a conversation about it with my DF. I’m sorry you lost your mum

I’d definitely say something. It’s entirely unfair without some kind of explanation that is reasonable and makes sense.

Is he putting money towards your children and if she doesn't have any he is counting that as part of what he is giving you? it might even be he is investing for them and you don't know about it so be careful how you word it

Won't be ab easy convo but he may think you don't need it as much

Good luck!!

Tell him to RAM his cut cost gesture up his arse... or better still give it to his favourite child instead... and close the door.. firmly

but I've always cut off my nose to spite my face... feels better than being treated like an idiot by people who 'claim' to love you

I think you need to be careful how you’d approach the subject. It might come across grabby or entitled or sibling rivalry even if it’s not the intention or motivation.

My parents have always given my siblings more than me. My siblings all earn fantastic wages (think ten times what I do). I do not but my parents have always justified it with the fact I am fantastic at managing money and can do well with my pittance of an income whereas my siblings do not manage money well so need it more than I do. I would never accept money from my parents now and not would I ever go to them and ask for it. Their excuse is shit. I’d rather have my pride than their money.

I think you need to be careful how you’d approach the subject. It might come across grabby or entitled or sibling rivalry even if it’s not the intention or motivation.

I respectfully disagree.. OP has been treated badly for too long.. because she is not the favoured sibling.. sod that.. nobody is considering her feelings.. speak up OP.. who cares if you sound grabby.. better that than being treated like a fool

Does he buy stuff for your dc? Does he think he’s being fair in the amount he spends on your respectful family units?

I wish you luck with this difficult conversation but you need to go for it. There have been a couple of threads recently about unbalanced inheritances and how it made the OPs feel unloved but it was too late to talk to late parent about it. I think you need to clear the air in case your father has done something similar in his will. I would want to know why we are being treated differently and get my head round it while he's still around to discuss it. Good luck 🤞

Coming at it from another angle, you may open up a can of worms unknowingly and it may turn into a much bigger issue than you can ever imagine.

PLEASE think before you do this - it doesn’t have to be made to be about you.

In this exact situation, I am your sibling.

And it’s not at all what you think....illnesses can be invisible. Infertility and the expense it brings can be invisible. Debt can be invisible.

LOTS can be hidden to an outsider who only
sees unfairness.

You don’t know if there is a contract in place between the 2 of them to repay the money. You don’t know if if a monthly standing order is arranged. You don’t know if the funds in the Last Will & Testament are to be deducted from your siblings share to go to you in line with inflation.

For heavens sake.

Be a grown up.

Life is not fair - just look at the last 3 months!!!

I do know about the will because I am the executor.

I do know that she doesn't have to repay him for the car.

That's how I know he has treated us unfairly.

Is she categorically not repaying the wedding money?

Maybe she is helping someone that you don’t know about.

All I’m saying is sometimes it’s not all about you.

Be prepared.

OP you're doing the right thing...

think about YOU for a change.. be a grown up and speak up.. your sibling won't give you a second thought... but I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot she's be screaming from the rafters.. so Speak Up... and if she is in debt then that's her own issue... not yours

....but equally, if they wanted you to know, they would tell you!

Go ahead and be that person.

And be proud of it....apparently.

All these handmaidens telling you to not make a fuss is laughable-do they think men wouldn't say something if the tables were turned? Wake up and smell the coffee people!!

I would say something even though it will be a very difficult conversation to have. It just eats away at you otherwise. Have you spoken to your sister at all about it - does she know there is inequality, is she just happy to get what she gets regardless of the impact on you? I had my own very difficult conversation with my DF recently, not the same situation but on something I felt quite strongly about. It was really hard to do but I'm glad I did because whatever the outcome I am not left wondering if things might be different in the future if I had spoken up at the time. It also gets harder to speak up over time so better to do it now and get it over with.