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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smother in law..

40 replies

Turkishmumma · 02/06/2020 15:55

Hi all, I'm a first time mum and out LO was born in march just before lockdown.

My MIL has really good intentions but my goodness she is really overbearing, brash and lacks social skills, in the words of DH!

Ever since I was pregnant she always says she cannot wait to take the baby, she has 5 other grandchildren but they all live far away so she says she hasnt been able to do much with them, even though she travels down to see them.

I suffered with pre natal depression and anxiety and she added fuel to the fire by constantly saying she cannot wait the "take" the baby...

She now constantly says to DH "you do realise baby is X weeks old and I STILL haven't held them" to which DH replies with obviously not as its lockdown!

She has also started to say she wants to come everywhere with us, to the zoo ect and I said matter of factly that the first time we go it will be just the 3 of us and perhaps the next time we go she could come, she said oh ok...

AIBU and dramatic in thinking she is putting so much pressure on us to be overly involved as she "wasnt able to do this" with the other grandchildren, which I believe she could as she could have travelled to see them.

It's all the time we speak to her, and it's the way she says things it's making my anxiety return and I dont want her to to take my baby any where! Will also had a mini disagreement when I was newly pregnant about circumcision! To which she ended it with "let's hope you dont have a boy"!! She is like Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter - in the way of saying something harsh then giggling.

Sorry for the long post so much has been said and I struggled to get it all in but just want another opinion to if I'm being overly sensitive.. x

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 02/06/2020 16:00

Please tell your dh he need to keep this verbal nonsense to himself.
You don't need to hear these ramblings.
You are not obliged to hand over your precious baby. Remind dh you have waited 9 months for it's arrival why would you want to hand it over? Mil had her own dc. Now it's your time.
My mil never had my mobile number - I left her to dh to deal with. She wants pics? Dh can send them. Updates? Dh can send them.
Pnd will not be helped by dealing with her..

SeaToSki · 02/06/2020 16:04

It sounds like she is rubbing you up the wrong way, so it doesnt matter if what she is saying is reasonable or not, its going to grate on you.

Is there anyway you can re frame it in your mind, maybe to one of pity that she is so lonely that she makes these statements?

But I think what might help is some more self confidence for you. She can say anything she wants - it doesnt mean she will get it, you are in charge of LO.

Next time she says something drama ish. Try just saying hmmm or something non committal and then run the 'poor her' script in your head. It might help bolster your confidence.

Original poster
Turkishmumma · 02/06/2020 16:08

Thank you windyatthebeach - I forgot to mention bloody facebook! I've said twice already that I dont want her uploading pictures as I dont know the people on her page and if her profile is even private! Dh has mentioned it to her but she just says yes yes.
Dh as been on my side most of the time but he often butts heads with his mum so doesnt always say things in a definite way. Im glad you dint think I'm being silly x

OP posts:
Original poster
Turkishmumma · 02/06/2020 16:09

Seatoski, good idea!! You're 100% right I dont think of anything positive when she says anything i immediately get defensive.
I shall definitely give the pity script a try x

OP posts:
Teacaketotty · 02/06/2020 16:10

I think it’s a grandparent thing - a lot of “we want to take her here and there”. Ultimately it’s your baby so you decide.

Try not to stress too much about it, no is a powerful word. My nice all the time attitude with DH’s family disappeared when DD was born as I had to set rules they didn’t like.

Although give it 9-10 months you may be thankful for a day off Wink

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2020 16:12

First of all, take a very long break from communicating with her, your husband can handle it. Secondly, you need to have a long conversation with your husband and make it clear that if she doesn't stop all this nonsense it will have serious consequences. Her demanding to take the baby is preposterous, and that won't be happening for a very long time, if ever. Her going everywhere with you is not going to happen.

Your husband needs to have your back, otherwise you'll have a husband and MIL problem. Create boundaries and enforce them, and remember that you are the mum, not her.

Wearywithteens · 02/06/2020 16:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AIMD · 02/06/2020 16:18

My parents are similar. I try to be nice but every now and then I have to either decide to let it go or decide that it worth me being firm on.

I think pick your battles and send a clear firm message about things you are not happy with (eg I don’t want baby staying away from me until he is at least x age, I’m not talking to you about it again) but be flexible on other things that on reflection might not be that important.

I think the social media thing is hard because many older people don’t get the risks. I know my mum just doesn’t seem to understand properly how social media works....no matter how much I try to explain.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/06/2020 16:22

None of my in-laws have my phone number. I never thought it necessary, or indeed wise.

NaughtyLittleElf · 02/06/2020 16:26

I had my ex in-laws first grandchild and my MIL wanted to be very involved, she would have come on every holiday, day out, shopping trip etc. and my ex would have been fine with it. You need to set clear consistent boundaries, she's had her baby years. Even now (I've long since divorced her son) my ex MIL still hints at coming on holidays with us and my eldest is a young adult.

Bluetrews25 · 02/06/2020 16:28

She might not have been able to do these things with her other GCs, but I'm sure she will have done them with her own DCs. And did she have the GPs hanging on? Likely not - ask her.
And agree with a PP - please do not mutilate any DCs you may have.

allfalldown47 · 02/06/2020 16:30

My mil literally lost the plot when I had dd 19 years ago. She had 4 boys, always wanted a girl, you get the picture...
We lived in another city but she was still convinced she was going to look after dd full time 'when I went back to work' She was told early on I was planning to be a sahm but she never seemed to take that on board and went on about me working full time and dd staying with her Monday to Friday Confused
We were visiting one weekend when I was pregnant and I popped up to the loo to discover the spare room door wide open and a nursery had appeared. Honestly full blown, this baby is mine, nursery.
What hurt was that dh & I were living in London at the time in a tiny one bed flat and I had spoken to mil about how sad I was that I didn't have a little room to decorate for my baby.
She was a f-ing nightmare and only got better with me when my sil had her dd. Her 'finest' hour with her was offering to breastfeed her granddaughter as sil couldn't after a horrific birth.

She was frog marched out the front door by her own husband Wink

Anyway op, my experience taught me that it's important that you and your dh are a united front and secondly your dh is the one that needs to stand up to and be firm but kind to any ridiculous demands!

diddl · 02/06/2020 16:50

It's not your baby's role to fulfill what she wanted to do with her other GC & couldn't.

Surely she was able to do stuff with her other GC even though she doesn't live nearby?

I mean if there is a zoo or whatever locally/closish she could have gone-if the parents wanted her their of course!

How does she get on with the other parents?

We're in another country & my parent has been to wildlife places, school events with us!

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/06/2020 16:57

Do try to think of her as an over excited grandma who your dc will probably love.
Don’t tell her of plans if you don’t want her involved so no ‘we were thinking of going to the zoo this weekend’ if you don’t want her coming along.

PlopTeeth · 02/06/2020 17:06

Where is your MIL getting photos from to upload to FB? If they’re coming from you, let her know that you won’t be sending any more if she can’t be trusted not to share them on social media.

Hopefully after lockdown is over, she’ll calm down if you are firm with her now and start setting your boundaries verbally. Good luck!

bringincrazyback · 02/06/2020 17:19

@Wearywithteens

Sorry to derail the MIL pile on but please don’t circumcise your baby (assuming boy) if it’s not medically required.
If it's a 'MIL pile-on' does that mean you think the OP's MIL is being reasonable in all this?
Healthyandhappy · 02/06/2020 17:20

And would u be happy for your mum to go places with u. It's a baby not a trophy honestly have as much help as u can makes life more mum and i guarantee when u have 2and child u will want her help as u be falling over kids struggling. My inlaws r taking my kids to seaside in july for weekend. Your hormonal and 1st baby been there done that just relax x

CaffiSaliMali · 02/06/2020 17:22

Are there cultural and/or religious differences at play here OP?

I would find constant comments about having my baby taken away annoying too. This won't be helping your anxiety so I agree with others that you should tell your DH not to pass this information on to you.

TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 17:24

Be like the Penguins of Madagascar: smile and wave, smile and wave.

DH shouldn't be sharing her nonsense with you. His job is to smile and wave, shut down her nonsense and protect you from it.

TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 17:25

The others had the right idea. Move far away.

Megan2018 · 02/06/2020 17:33

@Healthyandhappy not everyone has more than one child and No, neither my own mother nor my MIL will have my baby on their own. I neither want, nor need their assistance!

Healthyandhappy · 02/06/2020 17:38

What about when u go bk to work full time and your paying out 50 pound per day when you have inlaws who wanna spend time with family. My mum had my child mondays and my inlaws has friday when was young now both in school they fetch them for me every day

blardiblabla · 02/06/2020 17:44

Totally sympathise. MIL tried to insist that she would be the first person to babysit, have overnights etc - our opinion on this wasn't a factor, and we had to not tell her when we had DS babysat by someone else. Wanted to take him swimming for the first time, buy him his first bike etc etc. She got her way with none of it, because my feeling was she had 3 kids, was able to do the 'firsts' for them and now it was our turn. DH couldn't be truthful with her because she's very difficult to talk to, so we had to just kind of ignore it. It eased off with us, I hope it does for you too.

C0RA · 02/06/2020 18:06

Do what @Windyatthebeach said. Let your husband deal with her on everything. Once it’s him who is being hassled he will soon stop it.

BlingLoving · 02/06/2020 18:11

Broadly speaking, agree with others - you need to just try to ignore the outrageously ridiculous suggestions eg having baby for overnights from the start etc etc. That's entirely up to when you feel ready for it and think your baby is ready for it. And absolutely stick with whatever you decide re social media and expect her to follow it.

However, I would also say at least try to see her side. Is it really such a big deal if she comes with you the first time you take the baby to the zoo? I mean, the chances are the baby will hardly even notice. And I've always found that other people being excited by my children's firsts is something I love. In fact, it's what i miss the most about my mum having died and appreciate the most about MIL still being alive and engaged. I can send her a picture of DD on her first day of school and she is genuinely as excited as I am. If she's visiting and we do something fun, she is literally the only other person on the planet that is as excited as me and DH are to see how the DC respond.