Smother in law..

[Turkishmumma]

Hi all, I'm a first time mum and out LO was born in march just before lockdown.

My MIL has really good intentions but my goodness she is really overbearing, brash and lacks social skills, in the words of DH!

Ever since I was pregnant she always says she cannot wait to take the baby, she has 5 other grandchildren but they all live far away so she says she hasnt been able to do much with them, even though she travels down to see them.

I suffered with pre natal depression and anxiety and she added fuel to the fire by constantly saying she cannot wait the "take" the baby...

She now constantly says to DH "you do realise baby is X weeks old and I STILL haven't held them" to which DH replies with obviously not as its lockdown!

She has also started to say she wants to come everywhere with us, to the zoo ect and I said matter of factly that the first time we go it will be just the 3 of us and perhaps the next time we go she could come, she said oh ok...

AIBU and dramatic in thinking she is putting so much pressure on us to be overly involved as she "wasnt able to do this" with the other grandchildren, which I believe she could as she could have travelled to see them.

It's all the time we speak to her, and it's the way she says things it's making my anxiety return and I dont want her to to take my baby any where! Will also had a mini disagreement when I was newly pregnant about circumcision! To which she ended it with "let's hope you dont have a boy"!! She is like Professor Umbridge from Harry Potter - in the way of saying something harsh then giggling.

Sorry for the long post so much has been said and I struggled to get it all in but just want another opinion to if I'm being overly sensitive.. x

OK Lets have a littel recap. You are a firdt time Mum. You have had a baby during the most crazy time ever and you have PND.

I have experience of PND and it is the pits. Your boudaries go haywire. This lady has had her children, has had a great deal of life, possibly has job, friends, interests and so on.

IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO PANDER TO HER.
Husband must now deal with her.

Shock horror, a Grandma wants to enjoy days out with her grandchild. What’s so unusual about that? A trip to the zoo is really not some life changing bonding moment to be enjoyed by the parents only. What’s the big deal about a trip to the zoo?!

Similarly what’s wrong with grandparents wanting to babysit?

My mum would have been gutted to have to wait weeks for a cuddle with her newborn grandkids so I have sympathy there.

You never see posters talking about overbearing mothers, it’s always MILs. I don’t think it can be the case that its always mothers of men that end up like this and mothers of girls are always normal and reasonable. I think a lot women on here just generally don’t like to spend time with their MILs.

OP it does comes across like you don’t really like her and probably everything she says pisses you off now. Why don’t you get your DH to have days out with DC and MIL and you have a well deserved rest and don’t have to see her as much?

I can’t see what she’s done wrong to be honest.

Scenario One...." I am so excited abou the new baby. I can't wait to see him. Is there anything I can do to help"

Scenario Two....." I can't see the other GC. I can't wait to take him. I want to go on your family trip to the Zoo."

This is her son's baby that she's talking about, of course she's excited. Try to see some thing's from her pov but make her aware when she crosses the line.
Give her the benefit of the doubt that she's coming from a good place until she proves otherwise.

Smother in law

Why shouldn't OP want to have special days out with just her husband and child? Why should the MIL be invited to all of them? It's not her 'right' to tag along with everything and anything. I wouldn't and couldn't tolerate that.
I think it is often MILs (though by no means always) that get complained about because it can be a very different dynamic and relationship with your spouse's mother from the relationship with your own mother. Again, not always of course, but it is effectively a forced relationship. Often there is an expectation that there will be fondness between you when actually you don't really know them very well at all. Mothers of sons can sometimes fear being left out to some extent as some sons don't always frequently contact their mums like daughters might. As it is not their daughter who has had the baby they might not be the person the DIL contacts first or frequently with things, and some sons might not bother at all. Its natural to have a closer and more comfortable relationship with your own mum than someone you've met (perhaps awkwardly) only a handful of times. However, this doesn't give anyone the right to start demanding to take the baby away and come along to every family day out.

She sounds very excited to meet her new GC and getting the opportunity to have a close relationship as her others live far away. My mum has a closer realtionship with her GC that live closer.

She may sound overbearing however to me she is excited to meet her new GC. She may be using language your finding difficult however she doesnt sound like someone who plans to kidnap your baby and have them overnight. My MIL lives closer than my DM, she is far better with young babies than my mum and whilst she could be an arse with her opinions she was fabulous at giving me a break. Now they are older my mother is fabulous and they all love her . So they all bring something ....its your first baby and your overwhelmed and anxious but lets wait and see the reality of her involvement

Thank you everyone! I needed other opinions than those from close friends.

I'm so happy she is excited to spend time with the baby and would be devastated if she wasnt interested, the main problem is that i cant articulate to all of you all of the things that have been said, including stories from her own children.

I'll definitely be taking all of these on board, and unfortunately you cant like everyone is life and due to how our relationship has been she is one of those in life that I will just have to tolerate.

Thank you all again for taking your time to respond x

My final word.....Boundaries!

I am fully on board with the idea of setting boundaries for overbearing grandparents but she really doesn't sound too terrible. I second the point that apart from you and your husband, there won't be anyone else on earth more excited about your kids milestones than their grandparents. Sometimes I'd rather my mil not come on family outings but tbh it's my issue entirely, as the kids love it and so does she, so I usually suck it up! I know the MN view is that it's all about the parents preference, always, but actually sometimes it's not. Kids benefit from loving grandparents and the grandparents are certainly allowed to feel upset at not being able to cuddle them!!

I would love if my mil or indeed my own mother wanted to be involved. Obviously you need boundaries but I would love the help. Both sets of grandparents are young and live close by but never help. It's actually quite upsetting especially when I see how much support other people get.

She might be saying it in a kind way. Lots of people don't have grandparents that show an interest, maybe she's just saying she'll take the baby as a way of showing how much she cares? I understand it's difficult for you though.

Definitely tell your DH you don’t want any more pressure from her or any more expectations passed on.

Your baby comes first and you decide what feels right.

There will be lots of things MIL can join in. But you and DH decide what they are. ‘Taking the baby’ talk makes me shudder.

I the social media issue, you could casually mention the recent court case where the grandma was sued for ignoring the mother’s request not to post LO photos....