DS drinking with mates on Zoom

[lewes2]

My just18 year old has a few beers with me & his stepdad at weekends, but we don't drink during the week. He's quite quiet and lacks confidence and I definitely notice he's more relaxed and chatty after a beer or 2. However he has started having weekly zoom meetings with his mates (which I think is great - he's one of the poor upper sixth lot who've lost their last term at school, A levels etc) he has the zoom chats in his room and for the last 2 meetings he's had 4 cans of beer. I think that's quite a lot to drink when you're on your own and said so gently, but he argued that he wasn't on his own. I wouldn't worry if he had 4 beers at a party but this feels different. I had a sleepless night worrying that he is beginning to use alcohol as a prop, his Dad is a heavy drinker so there's some history there. Or should I relax let him get on with it?

[LtJudyHopps]

If we weren’t in lockdown he’d be celebrating the end of sixth form probably in the pub every week with his friends. This is their equivalent I think not sleeping about it is an overreaction. He could be living in halls (theoretically) in September at the student bar every night getting hammered.

[Nevertouchakoala]

4 beers is not a lot and he wasn’t alone. Drinking alone on a bench 4 cans would be a lot but in this setting I’d say it’s fine.n

[TheHighestSardine]

Why would doing it at a party be better? Quite the opposite IMHO. No chance of necking a bottle of vodka at home by himself, for a start.

[AvocadosBeforeMortgages]

He's not drinking alone; he's drinking in the best approximation of a pub that is currently open to him.

Don't start making a big deal of it, or you're only going to start pushing him to meet up with his friends face to face in the park where they'll surely drink more than four beers.

[allfalldown47]

Definitely relax!!
Dd is 18 and when I know she's having a zoom get together with her friends, I get her some nice nibbles and whatever drinks she fancies.
Lockdown is horrendous for older teenagers, it's a time when you spread your wings, enjoy your freedom, I really feel for them all.

[DitheringBlidiot]

But he's not on his own

[vanillandhoney]

He's eighteen so it's not really your business, is it?

And he's not alone, he's drinking with his friends.

[Alfiemoon1]

He’s not on his own he’s chatting with friends my dd has been doing the same since lockdown

[PuntoEBasta]

He isn't drinking alone and he and his friends are to be commended for using Zoom rather than heading to a park to drink and take nox like large groups of teens around here. Leave him be.

[AllsortsofAwkward]

Hes an adult op stop micromanaging him 4 cans isnt much he would likely drink more in a pub.

[Dollywilde]

Agree with others, YABU. The post A-levels period was fab for hitting the pub with mates, I really feel for older teens at the moment.

My dad is an alcoholic and honestly, the fretting and handwringing from my mother over my drinking over the years has been almost as bad as his alcoholism (I’m being slightly flippant, but only slightly). I grew up with my dad, I am completely aware of the harm alcohol can do when misused or relied upon emotionally. But having my mum fret when I went out and did shots on a Saturday night - like many, many normal teens - was so frustrating.

Your DS should be aware of the risks of alcoholism, including hereditary factors. And he should also be free to ‘go to the pub’ and have a few drinks with his mates. The two issues are completely separate though.

[Nottherealslimshady]

He's an adult having drinks with his friends. Really none of your business and really not an issue. He's a lot safer than if he was out clubbing with his friends.

[FelicityBeedle]

He’s not drinking on his own, you say it would be fine at a party, zoom is the same as a party right now. Don’t police the poor lad and let him enjoy a catch up with his friends

[ItsSpittingEverybodyIn]

You'd be more likely to be full than tipsy after 4 beers.

[Paperthin]

I think it’s fine, and as many say he will or could be at uni in 3 months time, fwiw my 20 year old is drinking WAY more than 4 cans on his zoom calls! I think it’s good he is socialising to be honest, it must be so hard for young people at the moment.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

I wouldn’t worry about that. My 19 year old has been polishing off a bottle of wine during her zoom chats. I’m sure she drinks more when she’s out clubbing.

[lewes2]

Thanks everyone, seems you all agree, I'll relax. Think I'm definitely hyper alert having once been married to his alcoholic father, and I wasn't saying drinking 4 beers on zoom was using alcohol as a prop. I was saying that he definitely seems to turn to alcohol to bring him out of his shell. But don't agree with people saying it's none of my business - you don't just stop parenting/caring once they're 18 (he was still 17 last week!)

[maddening]

I had 6 cocktails on a zoom evening with friends, it is not drinking on your own at all, it was quite a nice evening in fact.

[lastqueenofscotland]

I think you are completely over reacting. He’s having some beers on zoom with mates, not injecting heroin into his eyeballs in a cardboard box.

Unless there is a family history of substance abuse that you are concerned about you need to chill out.

[AnyFucker]

Let him be. It's lovely that you care but this is the "new normal" everyone is yapping about.

[howlatthetrees]

I don’t think you should worry

[harriethoyle]

Zoom chats are the new nights out. You are babying him a bit. Leave him to it.

[Oxyiz]

I don't know if I'm just reading this differently from others as I'm a weirdo who doesn't drink.

If his dad's an alcoholic then he might head that way too and that's a shit life right there. So I'd talk to him really frankly about why you're worried and look up some guidance on the best light touch and supportive way to do that.

If it's more about fitting in with his friends then could he perhaps drink something else every other drink and say its got vodka in it? He could even put water in a bottle and pour it out in front of them.

[Coyoacan]

I had a sleepless night worrying that he is beginning to use alcohol as a prop, his Dad is a heavy drinker so there's some history there

Four cans of beer when socialising isn't much for a young man but I see your point about using it as a prop.

I pointed out to my daughter when she was young that she needed other techniques to deal with shyness, because using alcohol for that purpose is very dangerous. I should know because that is what I did for many years.

[ifonly4]

Four beers does seem like a lot, but as others have said if he was at uni (my DD was one of the younger ones so I know!) he'd probably be drinking more alcohol than that.

Maybe have another chat with him, say you've been thinking about it and realise he hasn't got the freedom to go out at the moment, so as it's a social thing with friends you'll let it go for now, but you don't want him to get into the habit of drinking that much at home when things are back to normal.