DS drinking with mates on Zoom

[lewes2]

My just18 year old has a few beers with me & his stepdad at weekends, but we don't drink during the week. He's quite quiet and lacks confidence and I definitely notice he's more relaxed and chatty after a beer or 2. However he has started having weekly zoom meetings with his mates (which I think is great - he's one of the poor upper sixth lot who've lost their last term at school, A levels etc) he has the zoom chats in his room and for the last 2 meetings he's had 4 cans of beer. I think that's quite a lot to drink when you're on your own and said so gently, but he argued that he wasn't on his own. I wouldn't worry if he had 4 beers at a party but this feels different. I had a sleepless night worrying that he is beginning to use alcohol as a prop, his Dad is a heavy drinker so there's some history there. Or should I relax let him get on with it?

[Dollywilde]

@oxyiz

But the point is, why should he have to drink water and claim it's vodka? As I posted above about having an alcoholic parent - and I kept having to tell my mum when I was living a perfectly normal teenage life - I am not my dad. .Mum used to say things like 'oh can't you just have a diet coke and tell friends it's a rum and coke'? Er, no, because 1) I'm not glamourising drinking, I don't think it's cool or grown up and 2) I'd just like to have a drink and a dance with my pals because I'm 18 years old and it's Saturday night?

Why should all his friends get to sit and share a few beers of an evening and he doesn't because of his mum's anxiety that her son will go the same way as his father? If her DS hasn't shown any worrying behaviour, why is he tarred by that brush?

Don't get me wrong, alcoholism is appalling, I've seen it first hand and being aware of what it looks like when a few drinks become more of a problem is very very important - particularly if you have a family history. But actually, having the family history just makes it more important to learn how to have a moderate, good relationship with alcohol if you choose to have one. Teetotalism is of course an option, but it's not the only option.

[Trevsadick]

If his dad's an alcoholic then he might head that way too and that's a shit life right there

You do realise theres lots of us that are not alcoholics, despite being brought up by an alcoholic?

And why should he drink water?

He shouldnt drink because his dad had an alcohol problem?

[Mulhollandmagoo]

He'll be ok, and it's nice him and his friends are doing this it's a nice, safe way to socialise. My biggest worry for you is that you try so hard not to let him turn into his dad that you inadvertently push him that way by making alcohol such a massive deal to him. He's 18 and doing what all 18 year olds do with their friends so please try not to worry (which I know is so much easier said than done)

[Oxyiz]

I said if he feels like its about fitting in, he could fake a few drinks. I didn't say he should be teetotal forever because of his dad.

Studies show that there are genetic links between alcoholism, or at least that children of alcoholics have a higher risk of developing drinking problems.

So its something that should be talked about - although as I said, in a supportive way and after some thinking in advance. Not just "don't turn out like your useless dad"!

[Witchgonebad]

I’d cut him a bit of slack.
His age group are missing out on a lot currently. It’s good he’s keeping in contact with friends.

I agree you don’t stop parenting or worrying when they turn 18. But he’s not drinking alone, he’s drinking with friends like most 18yr olds.
These aren’t normal times.

[lewes2]

I haven't once suggested he doesn't drink, fakes it with water, or attempted to stop him. I also haven't made any reference to his dad to him. (yet) What I see is a young man who is desperately shy and lacking confidence, coming out of his shell with alcohol, and on the one hand I love seeing the relaxed confident version of him, but on the other I can see how it could become a coping mechanism to overcome his shyness. I accept that zoom is the new normal for the moment, and would agree that during the lockdown it's his only way of socialising so maybe leave it for the moment. However, there have been times when we finish our family meal and then he'll go and get another beer or 2 and go and watch a film in his room. My older DS is in final year at uni and is a BIG social drinker, very confident, party boy, but he's not that interested in drinking at home, and literally never on his own. He's noticed that his brother drinks quite a lot at home. I was the same, partying, pub etc at his age but not interested in drinking around my parents. He's not going to uni for another year so will be living here for a while yet. But alcoholics start somewhere and I worry that it's becoming a habit. Should say the zoom chats are on Sunday nights so he's had Fri & Sat evenings drinking as well.

[SueEllenMishke]

I drink more than 4 drinks during a weekly zoom catch up with my friends...we've even done shots occasionally! One of my friends in the group had an alcoholic dad and she joins in and in no way is she or anyone else worried that she has a problem.

You are massively overreacting.

[insertcaffeine]

I'd hate for you to see what I drink on Zoom with my friends once a week, OP.

4 cans is absolutely fine once a week. It's the new kind of party, a social occasion.

[lewes2]

@SueEllenMishke hope you're right. I suspect a lot of people who think I'm being uptight may not have first experience of living with an alcoholic. I've lived with 2. The reason for my sleepless night was imagining my DS going down that route which doesn't bear thinking about. It's a hellish journey and if there's anything I can do to prevent it happening, I will. Knowing his character, I just feel uneasy and sometimes think I can see early signs, but as you say maybe I'm overreacting :-)

[SueEllenMishke]

@lewes2 two of my closest friends do so I've had an insight. It really sounds very tame and you should focus on the positives...at least he's managing to socialise with friends in what could be a very lonely and depressing time.

[Oxyiz]

Not to just shift it on to someone else, but how's his relationship with his brother? Could he talk to him about it?

And looking past that, are you happy living with his dad? It sounds like you have a pretty miserable time of it?

[midnightstar66]

Having a couple of drinks on zoom is the new going down the pub for a couple. People of all ages and situations are doing it. I'd certainly not worry if he seems happy generally.

[Aragog]

Lots of people happily drink at home rather than in pubs and clubs. The majority don't become alcoholics.

I happily share a bottle of wine with friends at home. Before lockdown I often preferred this to having a drink out in a pub as it was our own space, quieter and often better quality drink for less money.

On the Friday and Saturday - who is he drinking with? Is that on his own, rather than with friends over zoom?

[Trevsadick]

And yet.....you are quite happy having a few drinks with him and like seeing him out of his shell.

At his age he should be drinking with his friends. Not him mum and step dad. If he has to pick one.

Yet you want to curb, the night with his friends?

[monkey4nuthin]

My 18 year old is exactly the same except it's cider and Prosecco here. I feel sorry for them celebrating 18ths and soon Prom over Zoom and agree with pp that they'd be drinking a lot more if they were out in the clubs.

[BumpBundle]

He's an adult - leave him be.

[lewes2]

@Oxyiz he's v close to his brother and looks up to him so I could get him to have a chat with him. I'm not with his Dad any longer, thank you though.
@Aragog he'll have a drink with us over a meal but then sometimes take a beer up to his room on his own
@Trevsadick - at no point have I said I want to curb his night with his friends, I was just asking if people thought it sounded a lot of beer. And he's not 'drinking' with his mum & stepdad - we have a few drinks before/during our evening meal at the weekend and always offer him one because I don't want to create a stigma around alcohol.

[user1487194234]

TBH I think you are wrong,once they are 18 you obviously don't stop caring,but you definitely should stop parenting ( if that is even a verb )

[Wewearpinkonwednesdays]

He's not drinking alone though. Plus 4 cans once a week isn't a lot.

[heartsonacake]

YABU. I think what’s going to end up happening is you’re going to push him into having a problem with alcohol because you’re so hot on it.

You’ll end up causing what you’re trying to prevent.

[CrazyToast]

Wow 4 cans once a week is nothing for a uni-aged kid! Often they're falling over and vomiting and all sorts! Nightly!

[x2boys]

Meh ,I had a zoom meeting with some of my friends I was drinking wine as was another friend ,pretty sure another one was a bit passed it was a Saturday night , he could be doing far worse at 18 and at least you know where he is?

[TimeWastingButFun]

It's not on his own though is it, it's with friends - and once a week? He's an adult too, I think you are overthinking it.