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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this allowed...

64 replies

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 11:51

Please don’t have a go...genuinely unsure what’s the best thing to do.

DH myself and DS (who is autistic) have followed the COVID19 rules. We’ve stayed home, worked from home and only shopped every 7-10 days when we’ve had to. No driveway “chatting” and even though DS could have been in college, he’s stayed home because he’s been too scared to go in. He also has two PAs which he could now see, but hasn’t.

Now, we were thinking of travelling to my sisters house about 45 miles away, this weekend. It’d mean staying overnight in a household of people who are key workers ie. a social worker, a nurse, a dr’s receptionist and a care worker (we used to have 2 police officers and a fireman too! 😂). The reason really is to help DS. DS has no friends as such, friendships are really elusive and difficult for him. He’s very bright but he draws a total blank on socialising. He’s just started going out again and will walk for hours on his own, around our small market town and “hangs about” to people-watch. He’s a very gentle young man and has been badly bullied in the past. This walking/standing about has gotten him into trouble with people reporting him, calling the police because he “looks weird” 😡 and so, in an effort to keep him safe, I thought it a good idea to take him to see his cousins. Good for me too as frankly, each time he leaves the house, my hearts in my mouth. At the weekend he went out and was “walking” for 5 hours in this heat. He wasn’t answering his mobile so, I got in the car and went to look for him. Eventually, I spotted him at the park, pacing like a polar bear, and I could tell he was hoping to be invited to join a group of teens, all sat in a big circle BBQ going. Of course they just ignored him which is better than them reporting him as a “weirdo”.

But I’m scared, in view of their jobs. Having been so incredibly cautious could I now jeopardise everything?

WWYD? He’s 20 by the way so, not a child. I can’t make him stay in.

OP posts:
Inthemuckheap · 02/06/2020 13:01

No it's not allowed. 45 miles is up the road so just go for the day. Why doesn't he go back to college?

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 14:33

@Letsallscreamatthesistene... Two years ago, due to the endless bullying of local teens, DS had to be talked down from a railway bridge where he was threatening to take his own life. His mental health is very fragile. I consider that to be “at risk”.

We could stay at my mums apartment which, following her recent death, is now empty but the reality is, it’s very difficult to socially distance I think, once you get there. I think I’m just at my wits end with my poor DS. The parks are full of groups of teens... 20+ Not even pretending at social distancing.

OP posts:
Abbccc · 02/06/2020 14:37

@Mawbags

You could camp and wee outside?
They said that's not allowed either.
HermioneWeasley · 02/06/2020 14:39

Why do you have to stay over? Go and see your family, if you’re worried about infection then practice scrupulous social distancing and hand hygiene, and come home

Pipandmum · 02/06/2020 14:40

You are allowed to go into peoples houses to access the garden and use their toilet but not stay overnight. Do a day trip. Keep your distance while there.

vanillandhoney · 02/06/2020 14:43

@Mawbags

You could camp and wee outside?
No, you can't camp overnight in England at the moment.
Melawati · 02/06/2020 14:51

My autistic young adult DC is also really struggling.
But I’m not sure why your DS isn’t going to college (if that has been available to him)? And now he can have contact with his PAs is there a reason why that’s not happening?
Honestly, with that available to me I’d focus on trying to get him back into his normal routine and making contact with his familiar people rather than a trip away that sounds like it might make you all anxious.
With regard to people reporting him out and about, if you live in a small town have you contacted your local police to explain the situation? That might help with their response.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 14:56

@Melawati ... DS says he doesn’t want to “risk it” yet doesn’t get that going to see his cousins is also “risking it”.

Looks like we won’t be going anywhere.

OP posts:
TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 14:58

As for college... he has other classmates, I think it’s about 5 of them, who’ve attended throughout as they are considered vulnerable. To many ASD people, routine is EVERYTHING. Yet, he will not go in. Same with PAs. I can’t make him go in but it’s been so long now watching him pace like a caged animal and now, this “wandering the streets” again. It’s not doing my own health any good either.

OP posts:
TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 15:02

The Police and various shops are not aware of DS. Just at the end of summer last year, he had his phone stolen and got into a scuffle when trying to get it back. It was a small group of 15yr old boys who’d “befriended” him then mercilessly taken the piss out of him. DS didn’t tell me what was going on so I was just thrilled he’d made a couple of friends. But the, he came home one day with broken glasses claiming to have done it “on purpose” himself. What a fucking awful society we live in.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 02/06/2020 15:02

45 miles does not necessitate an overnight stay! Just go in the morning and come back in the evening. It sounds really tough for you all but the rules are pretty clear on this.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 15:03

@tactum... so very sorry. Drive slowly and carefully.

OP posts:
Melawati · 02/06/2020 15:06

Can you walk with him? Or could the PA walk, socially distanced?
Perhaps there’s some outreach work his college or PAs could do to help him work through his thoughts about the risks involved in going back.
I understand that you can’t make him go in, but it sounds like he needs some help working through the barriers he’s set up around going back/meeting people.
Can you explore with him why it’s ok to see his cousins but not the PA?

Embracelife · 02/06/2020 15:42

I understand but you can easily drive and soend the day in the garden only going inside to wee
No reason to stay over

Why are you saying you cannot do it in one day?

He can alsohave his pa s come and take him out.

ScarfLadysBag · 02/06/2020 15:52

It's an easy day trip so just go in the morning, spend the day in the garden, and then come home later in the day. No need to just not go entirely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2020 15:53

Why can’t you go for the day?

cardibach · 02/06/2020 15:58

I’m a,so co fused why you would have to stay over. I drove 50 miles on winding country roads to and from work every day for 2 years. It took about an hour and 10 mins. That was tiring (I worked 6 days a week) but once (or even once a week) to see your family in a socially distanced way in their garden would be absolutely easy.

TimeWastingButFun · 02/06/2020 16:04

Of course it's not allowed, are you not following the briefings?

TerrapinStation · 02/06/2020 16:04

Please answer why such a short trip means as overnight stay, there's no question that it's not allowed

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 02/06/2020 16:31

If i thought that it would help my sons mental health who also has asd id stay

Fluffybutter · 02/06/2020 17:08

You’re not answering the question .
Why do you need to stay over ?
That is not a long journey at all so you could easily go for the day and then home again

BessSedgwick · 02/06/2020 17:23

I don't have any advice (except to say that I'd do it, in your shoes) but I really hope you and your lovely son are feeling better soon. Flowers

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 19:20

@TimeWastingButFun. I was following the briefings but frankly, I have tired of the lies.

I will go for the day and then come home.

People on here need to read the whole thread. I have explained everything people are asking me.

OP posts:
TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/06/2020 19:22

It’s not a long journey for me to drive. It’s a long journey as in there and back, for DS. We’re only just managing to get him in the car to travel to college when he was going.

OP posts:
TerrapinStation · 02/06/2020 19:25

[quote TheLadyAnneNeville]@TimeWastingButFun. I was following the briefings but frankly, I have tired of the lies.

I will go for the day and then come home.

People on here need to read the whole thread. I have explained everything people are asking me.[/quote]
Honestly. I've read all your posts twice and I can't see where you've explained why you have to stay overnight somewhere so nearby. What time post was it?