AIBU about smokers visiting our new born?

[newbornmove]

Sorry it’s long

‘Background’
My husband and I have recently moved. In the old house smoking was allowed but in the conservatory. My DH, myself and visitors would smoke in there but with main door closed and back door open as I didn’t want the house smelling of cigarettes. Visitors that smoke a lot are my MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL (they smoke in every room of their homes like it’s normal). People in my immediate family smoke but they don’t smoke as much as my husbands family and can wait till they leave to smoke, nor do they smoke in their houses. Once I became pregnant everyone continued to smoke in the conservatory only and I just avoided the room.
Now we’ve moved (a week ago) and as theres no conservatory smoking is done outside by my DH but only twice a day (in the morning and at night) as he knows I don’t like the smell anymore. (He smokes all day at work though). Other people haven’t visited yet.

I explained to my DH now that we have moved and are about to have a new born in the house, after baby is born visitors shouldn’t be smoking in the house obviously or even in the garden (as he’s been doing). I explained about second and third hand smoke so even if someone is visiting, smoking at the back of the garden doesn’t make a different if they’re still going to come back into the house and be around our child. Because of this I don’t want anyone coming to the house to visit our new born son smelling like cigarettes either or leaving to smoke and then coming back in. My DH thinks I’m being extra but I don’t think I am. He also thinks as I use to smoke and now don’t (and he’s been ‘trying’ to quit and failing) I’m on my ‘high horse’ and need to stop acting like it’s a major thing. Because I’ve stopped I can actually smell the smoke properly now so can smell what his parents house smells like. I don’t want them to bring that smell to our house or bring it around our son. I think my DH doesn’t want to talk to his family about it tbh as when I’ve brought it up before they don’t see it as problem. MIL and FIL will happily smoke with granddaughter (who is 4) playing at their feet. When I explained SIDS they looked at me like I was talking about something that didn’t exist. Plus my DH thinks that because his parents have been smoking 20+ years I shouldn’t expect them to change for me. I know his brother and his wife will accept what I say but I’m sure his parents will not be happy. I don’t think I’m asking for much but being made to feel like I am so am I being unreasonable?

Are you in a country that isn’t locked down?

Cos irrelevant if the smoking, nobody should be visiting your newborn.

Smoking is gross and unhealthy. Also dangerous around babies

🙄 eventually lockdown so going to end and grandparents are going to want to visit. But ok fine I'll change the scenario. Right now people can visit in gardens, if DH's family visit and come sit in the garden am I being unreadable to ask them not to smoke in the garden, even if it's at the other end of said garden?

No you're not being unreasonable. Smokers need to wait 20 minutes after smoking to touch a baby, at least that's what I read when I had a newborn.

You may also want to tell your husband that it can increase the risk of SIDS.

I don't get how a visitor smoking in the garden is different to your husband doing it?

@Popc0rn sorry obviously didn't make it clear. After baby is born I think no one should smoking in the garden or house. The same goes for my DH as well.

You should be more concerned about your husband smoking and then sleeping in the same room as your baby. That is far more riskier than occasional visitors who are smokers and who will spend far less time in the same room as baby.

@Anoisagusaris I wish there was a way to edit posts after you post them. Or is there? As I said just above your comment: I didn't make it clear but same 'rules' will apply to my husband too. He won't be allowed to continue to smoke in the garden either.

Or leaving the house to smoke. I want him to smoke before he comes home (if he has to), change his clothes, shower and then not smoke again until let's say he goes back to work for 10 hours.

Your husband should have the willpower to stop smoking when your baby is born.

I think I'd worry less about occasional visitors in the garden (although I think you are within your rights to say someone who's been smoking can't hold baby) and more about the fact that your husband hasn't given up.

Agree you need to sort your husband out first. Will then be easier to tell his family you have a smoke free home and garden.

YANBU

Sorry to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like your husband really wants to quit smoking, why hasn't he quit already while you are pregnant? Maybe that's why he's downplaying the risk from visitors smoking in the garden?

You have obviously done your research into second and third hand smoke, and don't want it around your baby. You don't need the opinions of strangers on the internet (who probably haven't researched it as much as you have) to change your mind. I really feel for you, my exes parents smoked (only on the backdoor step with the door open), but the whole house stank! When we'd go to stay with them I'd have to go for a walk every few hours to get fresh air, sleeping there was horrible, used to make my chest feel tight.

How him this article OP.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-smoking.pdff_

There's plenty of information on the internet. If they DO persist in smoking in the garden remember the smoke/nicotine will still be on their clothes, breath and hands.

Thank you, to be honest I know I'm not being unreasonable but I just needed someone else to say it to make sure it's not just me being controlling or something.

Smoking is unnecessary. It is terrible for the smoker's health, and the health of everyone, child or adult, who is exposed to their stinking, filthy, disgusting, repulsive smoke. ALL smokers stink, the smell doesn't wash off their hair, their skin, their pores stink. Even a garden stinks after a smoker has been in it. How can you even think a bit of smoking, away from the baby, is in any way ok? It's not ok. Smoking is legal because it brings in huge amounts in tax. It is stupid, just set fire to your paper money.

Second and third hand smoke is a very serious threat to your baby. Your husband is an idiot.

Agree you need to sort out your husband first, he should have stopped when you were pregnant

Well done for being able to stop, OP, I know someone who just cut back because stopping altogether was too difficult for her so you should be proud of that

YANBU at all for not allowing them to smoke in your house or garden. I wouldn't want my house stinking of it after they'd gone.

My MIL smoked when I had DD1 and it was either she didn't smoke at the house or didn't come at all. Considering she only came for 1-2 hours at a time I didn't think that was too much to ask. You might have to refuse to see them if they don't take you seriously so they know that you mean it. It's harsh but you need to protect your son

Congratulations by the way

Even if he washed himself and changes clothes, it will be on his breath afterwards. And it never washes out of textiles properly anyway. I run a sling library and had a sling returned smelling of smoke, and it wouldn't wash out however many times I tried, and whatever I put on it.

And it goes on being harmful even after you can't smell it any longer (the smelly compounds aren't the only harmful ones; and dissipate quicker because they are volatile).

I wouldn't be with someone who smoked. He is doing your baby harm before it's even born, and that won't change afterwards, no matter what precautions he takes.

And it's not just SIDS; there are all kinds of effects including epigenetic changes that can affect their health for the rest of their lives, even if they aren't immediately apparent (unlike e.g. asthma).

Vaping isn't great either, but could he do that with the precautions you've suggested, as long as it is a genuine step to stopping, not something he'd get stuck on?

Fucking hell. All these lectures about her husband. I think the OP is aware of the hazards hence the question.

Kick them out into the garden. It's perfectly OK to ban smoking in your house. Trying to ban smoking in the garden may well be unachievable.

Just had my second 2 weeks ago and question midwife and health visitors kept on asking was are there any smokers in the house (witch there isn't) and then said for visitors they need to wait half a hour make sure hands etc are washed and outdoor clothing is removed

@Disquieted1 thank you.

My husband is aware that he needs to stop, it's just taking him a little longer to actually do it. He use to smoke so much before as in smoking every hour but now it's like every 3/4 hours. Which I think is amazing after smoking for 10 years. I'm confident that he will stop by the time baby is here and so is he, so I'm not really concerned about that. He just thinks us (well me) telling other people what to do to be able to come visit is being 'extra'.