AIBU about smokers visiting our new born?

[newbornmove]

Sorry it’s long

‘Background’
My husband and I have recently moved. In the old house smoking was allowed but in the conservatory. My DH, myself and visitors would smoke in there but with main door closed and back door open as I didn’t want the house smelling of cigarettes. Visitors that smoke a lot are my MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL (they smoke in every room of their homes like it’s normal). People in my immediate family smoke but they don’t smoke as much as my husbands family and can wait till they leave to smoke, nor do they smoke in their houses. Once I became pregnant everyone continued to smoke in the conservatory only and I just avoided the room.
Now we’ve moved (a week ago) and as theres no conservatory smoking is done outside by my DH but only twice a day (in the morning and at night) as he knows I don’t like the smell anymore. (He smokes all day at work though). Other people haven’t visited yet.

I explained to my DH now that we have moved and are about to have a new born in the house, after baby is born visitors shouldn’t be smoking in the house obviously or even in the garden (as he’s been doing). I explained about second and third hand smoke so even if someone is visiting, smoking at the back of the garden doesn’t make a different if they’re still going to come back into the house and be around our child. Because of this I don’t want anyone coming to the house to visit our new born son smelling like cigarettes either or leaving to smoke and then coming back in. My DH thinks I’m being extra but I don’t think I am. He also thinks as I use to smoke and now don’t (and he’s been ‘trying’ to quit and failing) I’m on my ‘high horse’ and need to stop acting like it’s a major thing. Because I’ve stopped I can actually smell the smoke properly now so can smell what his parents house smells like. I don’t want them to bring that smell to our house or bring it around our son. I think my DH doesn’t want to talk to his family about it tbh as when I’ve brought it up before they don’t see it as problem. MIL and FIL will happily smoke with granddaughter (who is 4) playing at their feet. When I explained SIDS they looked at me like I was talking about something that didn’t exist. Plus my DH thinks that because his parents have been smoking 20+ years I shouldn’t expect them to change for me. I know his brother and his wife will accept what I say but I’m sure his parents will not be happy. I don’t think I’m asking for much but being made to feel like I am so am I being unreasonable?

Everyone wants to keep their precious newborn baby safe, but please don't sacrifice your marriage over this. You've already made a unilateral decision that after the baby is born, your DH "won't be allowed" to smoke in the garden, not even at the far end, away from the house.

All the people on MN backing you up and going on about how terrible smoking is and how you are quite right to tell people who even smell smoky to keep right away will not be there when it's just you, your DH (who smokes) and your PIL (who both smoke). You will be outvoted.

If you can't persuade your DH to give up now, why would he give up then? Not because you say he's got to - he is ADDICTED. The only cure is for him to WANT to give up, and he doesn't, does he?

Car exhaust fumes are bad for babies, too - will you be insisting that no cars are allowed to drive past your house? Face reality, and do what all of us do - the best we can under the circumstances.

Yes, of course ideally it would be better for your baby to have a smoke-free environment. It's reasonable to ask (i.e. demand) that no one smokes in the house, and that smokers stay out for a couple of minutes after a cigarette to help the smoke blow away and wash their hands before handling the baby. It's reasonable to say that you don't want your PIL to look after your baby when you're not there, and that you won't bring it to their home. It's NOT reasonable to treat your DH and PIL like shit, or to go into a fit of anger and frenziedly demand that close relatives who are smokers should be banned from seeing the baby until it is 25 years old. Somewhere, you and your DH have to find a balance between what's perfect and what's the best you can do.

I don't know why people ask for anyone's advice on here anymore. So many rude replies.

I don't allow anyone to smoke in my house as we are non smokers, anyone who smoker who visits goes into my garden to smoke, never had an issues with this.

I won't allow smoking in my house, garden, yard, stables or field. I don't want to be near smokers,, even in the open air. They stink and it's foul and makes me want to vomit, so you have my sympathy op. He needs to stop.

He just thinks us (well me) telling other people what to do to be able to come visit is being 'extra'.

When it's your home and your baby, you make the rules, not the people visiting. My in-laws smoke, which my husband absolutely despises, and he doesn't allow them to smoke anywhere on our property.

I think it’s wonderful that you were able to quit smoking and are being proactive in trying to minimise the risk to your baby. Given so many of your extended families are smokers, perhaps you could come up with some general guidelines such as hand washing on arrival, no holding the baby within an hour of smoking and change of clothes. Maybe you could keep a designated jacket or change of clothes that visitors can put on when they come over. Try and be as practical as possible if you want to maintain a good relationship with these people and communicate in a way that shows you’re not trying to judge people’s lifestyle choices but you need to protect your baby from second and third hand smoke. Let people know the rules in advance so they can be prepared. Definitely best to keep the baby away from any homes that people have been smoking in. Personally, I don’t see the risk with smoking in the garden (assuming the baby isn’t in the garden at the same time) as long as it doesn’t enter the house but it’s your home and you are well within your rights not to allow it if it makes you uncomfortable.

I totally get the no smoking indoors but why can’t your husband smoke in the garden, what harm will it do unless it near the baby ?

I think you are perfectly reasonable. My only question is how far away do mil and fil live from you? Is it feasible they can wait till they go home to smoke?

My fil lives 3 hours away so going to see him involves an overnight stay. He actually made the effort to give up when we had our first baby. Then when that didn't last he goes into his garage to smoke or at ours in the garden. (Which if he was local I would say something about but he isn't- he also only does it about twice in a whole day visit).

That's such a lot of smokers in your family.

No one should be near your baby even smelling of it.

Well technically your house, your rules. The only person in my family who smokes is my brother. I do allow him to smoke in the garden but he has to wash his hands, clean his teeth and change his top before holding our baby.
My husband and I used to have massive rows about his mum smoking but luckily she's given up. I think it's a bit OTT to say no-one can smoke before visiting (unless you don't want people to visit) but if you don't want then to do it in your home that's up to you. Or the you could do what I do with my brother.

OP I agree with you, there is no way I would allow smoking in my new house, filthy dirty smelly habit that it is.
I would become the primeval mother if anyone, tried to smoke in close proximity to my new baby. If you visit you do not smoke, if you smoke you do not visit, simple.
Your husband just has to find a spot as far away from his newborn child as possible, if he chooses to smoke.
You, as a mother are responsible for the health and safety of your child, if your in laws choose to disregard this they would not be welcome!
This may seem to be an extreme reaction, but in my home I expect visitors to always put the health of my child, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

YANBU.
No way would I have allowed people smoking anywhere near mine when they were babies.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-smoking.pdf

Yanbu. Try showing this to your dh - it clearly states that he shouldn't be smoking at all and that giving up is best. He needs to put his child first now and stop trying to defend himself.

Yanbu re. visitors smoking too. My next door neighbour who smoked held my newborn son and to this day I can honestly say that washing his smelling of smoke blanket after she had been is one of my worst motherhood moments ever. It just felt awful and I was full of regret - she won't be holding any of our future children.

Assert yourself if need be op. I grew up around smokers and it aggravated my asthma to the extent I was in hospital many times over. Needless to say I hate smoking now. It's incredibly selfish and had adults put me first I might have had a hospital trip free childhood.

I'm a non smoker, never smoked but there's nobody more holier than though than an ex smoker! Ask visitors who must smoke to do so away from doors and windows either on the street or in garden, make sure no cigarette butts are dropped (pet peeve) as toddlers will pick them up, plan ahead! Your problem is you dh, not relatives - they will tow the line.

I don’t know what planet he’s on, but smoking is actually considered to be a huge thing, medically!

Well done for giving up, OP.

I'd talk to your midwife about it, if you have some firm rules backed up by authority or a leaflet that you can show them, it will be easier than if it's just your say so.

Your DH is doing well to cut down but if he wants to stop, sooner is better than later. The first few months with a baby can be very stressful and I'd say stopping then would be very hard. Stopping smoking is hard - but so is pregnancy and labour and you're doing that!

I wouldn't want smokers near my baby, but to be honest your DH may be a greater risk than occasional visits from in laws.